Humpty Dumpty, The Real Story

Humpty Dumpty, the Real Story  George Davis

  The headlines in the Eggland Gazette read, HUMPTY DUMPTY, FELL FROM THE TOP OF THE OLD STONE WALL AT POACHBURG HALL. Mr. Dumpty is in surgery at the Albumin Medical Center. 

  The article went on to say, he had a skull fracture. The King has sent for all his men, ordering them to drop whatever they are doing, and rush to the hospital and make sure, Humpty lives. 

  “I want you to stay with him until he recovers,” the king said.

  Humpty Dumpty is the mayor of the small town of Cracopen on the coast off the island of Crate. His work has been exemplary for the seventeen years he has held that position. He has collected more taxes for the king than any previous mayor in that town. Is it any wonder the king wants Humpty restored to health?

  “Nurse Cluck, keep the patient comfortable and let me know if anything changes and I mean, anything.”

  “Yes, Doctor.” Doctor Crower knew how important it was to keep Humpty alive. If anything happens to him on the doctor’s watch, the king will have his head.

  “How are you feeling, Mr. Dumpty?” Miss Cluck asked.

  “I’ve got a terrible headache,” Dumpty replied. “And I hurt all over.”

  “Well, the doctor is doing everything within his power to get you up and out of here.”

  “That’s ni...” Humpty fell asleep; the drugs kept him drowsy most of the time.

  The King himself came by the hospital to check on Humpty.

  “How’d this terrible thing happen?” He asked. 

  “How?” Miss Cluck said. The king, known for his impatience and terrible temper, frightened Miss Cluck.

  “They said he fell off the wall at Poachburg Hall, Your Highness.”

  “What was he doing sitting atop that rock wall?” the king asked.

  “I... I... I'm--- not--- sure, Your Majesty,” Miss Cluck said.

  “Then who is? I want to know what he was doing on that wall. Get me the doctor. Now.”

  “Yes...Your...Magnificence.”

   Miss Cluck called the doctor at home and told him the king wanted to see him. Now.

  “But... I haven’t eaten supper yet--- oh, never mind, I’ll be right there.” 

  “Good evening, Your Highness,” Doctor Crower said entering the room.

  “Good evening, nothing. I want to know what Dumpty was doing sitting atop that awful wall. Now, why was he up there?”

  The doctor afraid to say the wrong thing said, “I don’t know, Your Highness.”

  “Well, who, for pity sake knows if you don’t?”

  “I have no idea, Your Highness. I only know they brought him in around three-thirty this afternoon...”

  “I won’t stand to have you lose this patient, Doctor. He is very valuable to me. If he dies--- you will answer to me. Do you understand?” the King raged.

  “Y...es, Your Highness, I understand.”

  “Then see that you use whatever is necessary to make sure he lives. All my men are available to help. Is that clear?”

  “Yes, Your Highness.”

  “Now take these men and their horses and put my mayor back together. Today, Doctor, today.” The king stormed out of the room, his entourage in his wake.

  “Doctor, Dumpty isn’t going to make it, is he?” Miss Cluck said.

  “I’m afraid not…too much damage.”

  While the doctor and Miss Cluck were talking, Humpty Dumpty flatlined. 

  “He’s gone, Doctor,” Miss Cluck said.

  “What are we going to do Miss Cluck?”

  “I don’t know, Doctor, but you’d better think of something fast, or you will be at the king’s mercy, and you know, he is not merciful.”

  Doctor Crower thought for a moment, his eyes staring blankly at the ceiling. Suddenly, a smile crossed his lips. “I’ve got it, Miss Cluck, I’ve got a plan. I’ve got something I want you to do for me.”

  “Anything, Doctor?”

  Miss Cluck returned from her errand for Doctor Crower. She passed him the gray carton containing a dozen eggs, twelve mayoral candidates enclosed. It should not be a problem.

  “Yes, we are going to find a clone,” the doctor smiled.

  “But, how will you pass him off as Mr. Dumpty? There is a lot to being a mayor.”

  “Humpty Dumpty was nothing more than a stooge for the king, and anybody can make a stooge out of an egg. After all most of these guys have scrambled brains.” 

  The doctor sat back in his chair, a frown on his face. “Now get going, Miss Cluck, and don’t let any of the King’s Men know what we are up to, or it will be the end of us all.”

  “I won’t, Doctor.”

  Miss Cluck opened the carton and picked an egg that looked very much like Humpty Dumpty. She put it in an incubator to warm it up.

  “Brrrr! I’m cold,” the egg said. “Where have I been. The last thing I remember is some man putting me into a soft bed. I must have fallen asleep.”

  “What’s your name?” the doctor asked.

  “I have no idea. I don’t know who I am.”

  All the better, the doctor thought. “Your name is Humpty Dumpty. You are the mayor of Eggland.”

  “I am? That’s funny, I don’t remember being a mayor.”

  “You’ve got amnesia, Mr. Dumpty, of course, you wouldn’t remember. Trust me, you are Humpty Dumpty.”

  “If you say so...eh, just who are you?”

  “I’m Doctor Crower and this is Nurse Cluck. You are in the hospital.”

  “I am? What’s the matter with me?”

  “You fell off the wall at Poachburg Hall and broke your skull.” “I did?”

  “Yes, and our fine staff here put you back together again. You are as good as new.”

  “That’s nice," the new mayor replied. "When can I go home? And, by the way, where is home?”

  “Why, it’s Eggland. You’re the mayor, remember?”

  “Yes, yes, of course. I am the mayor of Eggland. My name is Humpty Dumpty.”

  “And, under no circumstances are you ever to sit on that wall at Poachburg Hall. Understood?”

  “Yes, Doctor, I understand.”

  The Captain of the Guard told the king, his men had put Humpty Dumpty together again. 

  The egg from the market became the new mayor of Eggland and ruled for many years to the delight of the king and all his men. And, everyone lived happily ever after, except the real Humpty Dumpty, of course, the doctor poached him for breakfast the next morning and had him on English muffin with Hollandaise sauce. From then on throughout the city of Eggland, that meal became known as Eggs Benedict(ion.) Though, I doubt Humpty would have appreciated the doctor’s irreverent choice of food.