WAITING WORKS OUT IN THE END

Neetu stood in front of the kindergarten gate sobbing. Fear gripped her chest, and her sweaty palms forming fists clenched the tiffin basket handles as she held it in front of her. People with their vehicles zoomed past her in the lane, and rickshaws crawled through slowly to find a customer. She tried to see every rickshaw driver's face to find if it was Vitthal, and finding strange faces instead of him made her cry more.

Vitthal had got late once again today to pick her up from school. Neetu waited panic-stricken until all the kids left but when she was left alone, her throat stuck, and her eyes welled up.

                          *******

As she cut the cucumber for the salad, Neetu thought about her missing periods since last one month. Was it going to be real? She had not even decided if she was prepared for this. It felt strange to be going through something she helped others with. She wondered if being a mother was as complicated as being a gynecologist.

She sprinkled salt and sugar over the cucumber and ran hastily to the toilet to do her urine test. Latching the toilet door, she peed in the glass bottle she had fetched from the hospital. Then she opened the rapper of the test kit, and brought out the dropper to suck the urine from the container. Just two drops were needed to know on what side you were, pregnant or not?

She placed the test strip with two pink lines on the side of the basin and carefully put two drops of urine from the dropper and stood watching it intently. First one line turned blue and then the second. This meant that she was pregnant. Pregnant, just the word brought a strange wave right at the pit of her stomach and rose up to her chest and then lashed at the neck and her face. Her face felt warm.

She stood holding her sweaty fists in front of her chest, staring at nothing for sometime trying to get used to the idea. 

                              *******

Vitthal said," Why do you cry Neetu baby? I always come, don't I?"

Neetu did not know what to say. She just did not know how to not cry when left alone at the kindergarten gate after every other kid left. Calmed down, she quietly sat in the rickshaw, her cheeks tear strained. When her house came, she hopped down, saying bye to Vitthal, and ran to her mom's maternity home. 

Her mom, Shraddha sat on the doctors chair having almost finished her morning session. Neetu climbed into her lap and took out a printed paper from her basket and said," Cir-cu-rar from school, mamma."

Shraddha gave a little laugh and took it from her hand and started reading. After a minute she smiled, and her eyes widened with pleasure. She said," Wow, Do you know what this cir-cu-rar says, Neetu?"

Neetu's forehead wrinkled with curiosity. She asked," What Mamma?"

Shraddha told her," Your school is going to take you for a picnic."

Neetu asked," A picnic?"

"Yes, a picnic. You will go with your friends and your teachers to a garden. You will take snacks and your playthings with you, and spend the whole day playing with friends."

" You won't come mamma? And Pappa?"

" No, that's a school picnic, Neetu. But you will have lots of fun. I will tell Indu Bai to bake you a cake and make sandwiches for your picnic."

Then she got up lifting Neetu in her arms and went to the garden. Their garden was in the backyard and had fruit trees planted by her grandfather. There was a guava, custard apple, pomegranate, papaya trees at four corners and a huge jamun tree in the centre of the plot. When the gardener came, he planted seasonal flowering plants. Neetu's grandfather would plant a fully functioning vegetable garden with carrots, radishes, potatoes, cabbage and green chillies, when he came to stay with them. Nana and Nani would come in summer and during vacations to take care of Neetu. She had vacation and Shraddha could not take out time from the hospital. Nanaji would have some activity while he stayed with them. Shraddha and Neetu's father, Mohit were busy doctors.

Shraddha took Neetu close to a pomegranate tree and pointed to a low hanging flower. It had little triangular orangish red petals, with a yellow stigmata.

 Shraddha told her," You know Neetu, this will grow into a pomegranate fruit. It will be ready in another 15 days and then you can take it to your picnic for your friends."

Neetu hopped down from her mother's lap and started clapping excitedly doing jumping jacks.

                                ******

All of the next week passed in Neetu running to the garden after school and taking a look at the pomegranate flower. The stalk below the petals ballooned up a bit each day. 

Neetu said to Shraddha," It will grow up bigger and bigger until my picnic, isn't it mamma?"

Shraddha answered," Yes, Neetu, it will."

"But who puts the seeds inside it so that it grows big everyday"

" A fairy comes at night and puts the seeds sent by God into the fruit."

" From where does God bring the seeds, mamma?"

" Eat your lunch Neetu. I have to go for a delivery of a patient."

" You are going to make a new baby?"

" Yes, Neetu, see you in the evening, baccha."

And so it went on for 10 days.

                            *******

Mamma had retired now and Neetu had taken charge of the hospital. She knew now that mamma never made any babies, she only delivered them. The only baby she ever made was Neetu, herself. Neetu smiled at the thought of her own lost innocence. 

Neetu spent some early weeks of her pregnancy in a state of confusion. It was one thing to deliver babies and undergo the same thing herself. 

Initially she had humongous hunger and she ate huge lunches and dinners. She only thought about food and nothing else. Before being pregnant her likes were different.

She said to Appu," I never liked sweets earlier. Now I go on craving after rasgullas and gulab jamuns and jalebis. I wonder why?"

Appu laughed and said," So now I will become a halwai instead of a cardiologist."

As days passed, Neetu had severe nausea. She could eat nothing. Cabbage, cauliflower and each vegetable had an obnoxious smell. 

Once when Sumit came home he found Neetu lying crouched on the sofa. She had vomited even the tiniest drop of water she had drunk.

No antiemetics helped her. She had stopped going to the hospital and a few last remaining deliveries were conducted by her assistants. No new patients were registered.

Appu came close to her and held her by her shoulders and asked," Can I make some cool strawberry milk for you?" 

Neetu got up exhausted and nodded.

                          *******

Neetu had taken a look at the fully grown pomegranate ready to pluck for her picnic. On the day of the picnic when mamma came to wake her up, Neetu was running high fever. Shraddha sighed and said to Mohit," I won't send her for the picnic with this fever."

Mohit pulled a face. He said," My poor baby!"

Mamma always had to balance her practice with Neetu's growing needs and demands.

When Neetu woke up, it was 10 am. She threw a tantrum about not being able to go to the picnic. She rolled on the floor howling. Shraddha picked her up into her lap somehow pacified her. After 2 days, Nana and Nani came to take care of Neetu. She had influenza and mamma could not take more leave.

But it was okay. Nanaji told her stories everyday and Nani cooked everything that she loved to eat. Nanaji held her hand and walked her to the garden in the backyard and said," This is our picnic, Neetu."

They ate the pomegranate and sandwiches on the patio of the garden. 

                             *******

Neetu diagnosed herself with hyperemesis and the nausea and vomiting went on until 28 weeks. 

She drawled," I now know why a going to be mother is ready to suffer through it all."

Appu asked,"Why?"

"Only to see her own beautiful creation in the end."

Appu looked on with empathy on his face.

Neetu had lost a lot of weight but her belly had grown big.

As the 32nd week started, one morning Neetu felt terribly uncomfortable that the baby had not kicked since last evening. 

She mumbled to Appu," Something's wrong Appu. The baby has not kicked since the last 12 hours."

Sumit chided," Keep your gynecologist's brain aside. Everything will be alright."

"No, no...we have to get a USG scan done Sumit. This is what I advise my patients. But first NST.

NST showed no heartbeats and USG confirmed that it was an intrauterine death of the fetus.

After the induction of the delivery and being home after the baby's burial, Neetu and Appu came home. Neetu stood in the centre of her living room, suddenly finding it empty, a similar void inside her being. She dropped down sobbing loudly, the same way she had when she got flu and was unable to go for the picnic.

Nanaji had told her that some pomegranate flowers drop dead on the ground and never bear fruit. Genetic tests had given high risk for her next pregnancy. So trying to have another baby was out of question.

But it had all worked out in the end. She had all the time in the world for her practice, to go abroad and develop new techniques for infertility. Just one failed pregnancy had given birth to empathy for the sufferers in her heart to last a lifetime.

Maitreyee