Significantly Insignificant

Gemma and her dad had never been close. Before she reached her teens, her parents divorced, and he was all but out of her life completely. Distant memories remained in her mind about him. She remembered his giant stereo set and R&B albums that no one was allowed to touch. There was one time that he threw a block party and he charged the guests $1 to use the bathrooms. Her fondest memory was the year that the Chicago Bears triumphantly won the Super Bowl. The entire family learned the lyrics to ‘The Super Bowl Shuffle.'

Other memories layered on top of all of those. Terror and fear. The sound of his voice was like the thunderclap of God. When there were punishments to be dealt out, he was the dealer. No amount of remorse or prayer could spare a soul from his wrath and leather belt. It was hard for little Gemma to separate the rage from the nice guy. To her they were all the same, an could flip on a dime. Her confusion kept her in trouble; because whenever he would come home from work, she would instantly lock herself in her parents' bathroom out of terror. His solution to the problem was to pry the door open and spank her for her "crime."

There was one memory that remained unresolved. It was so brief and just a glimpse of time. Gemma could not remember if it was real or the stuff of a fanciful dream. She could not have been more than six or seven years old at the time. Her class was on a field trip. Mysteriously enough, her dad was a chaperone. They rode on a small ferry boat down a river. She specifically remembered them passing the John Hancock building because her dad made one of his flat-lined jokes about it. The vivid picture of Gemma sitting next to her dad while eating an orange Hostess cake remained a permanent fixture in her thoughts. This was the one time that the two of them shared a kind moment. She was not afraid of him, and he was quite charming.

As the years passed by, Gemma’s relationship with her dad was almost no-existent. Here and there, he tried to rectify things and reach out. One summer he drove from his home in the outskirts of Chicago to Fairfax Virginia requesting to take Gemma’s brothers for the summer. Gemma demanded to go as well, so they all piled up in his pickup truck and drove off. Gemma’s dad had spent some of his life as a long-distance truck driver, so this haul seemed like an easy feat for him. Against sound advice, he forwent getting any sleep and drove his young children through the mountains of Virginia. In the wee hours of the morning, he drifted into a light sleep, and the truck almost careened off a mountain. Nothing but God and a guardrail saved them from certain death.

After unconvincingly telling everyone that a deer jumped in the road, Gemma’s dad decided to wait for his current wife to collect them and bring them home. Dad and kids took shelter in a hotel for the remainder of the week. Sadly, this was the most quality time that he could offer his children. After they arrived at his home, he went back to his regular work routine. It was rare that they saw him during the day. Gemma noted that the anxiety that she felt from him as a small child was still very much intact. Even though he did not yell or threaten them, that discomfort was a wall between them.

Well into her adulthood, Gemma’s dad would pop up unannounced into her life. No matter how she tried to force herself to overcome her distrust of him, she could taste the bitter dread on her tongue. Her guard was always up when he was around. Many family members felt that he deserved a second chance, but to Gemma, there was nothing to salvage. She knew that he would never physically hurt her ever again, but the psychological effects of her childhood made it impossible to see him differently.

The things that Gemma knew about her dad’s childhood kept her from a certain perspective. He came from a violent and broken home, far worse than she had experienced. Her dad was a survivor who used his wiles and charm to get through life. He could lay it on thick to the point that more willing souls would allow him back into their graces. He even charmed his way into Gemma’s college graduation, even though he put not one penny forth to pay the way. The graduation was held at the university, but for some reason, her dad thought otherwise. He made everyone so late that not one family member was there to cheer as Gemma crossed the stage to receive her diploma.

Several years later, the opportunity came for Gemma to take her children to meet their distant relatives. Her dad was front and center, ready to embrace his grandkids. He was cool and smooth as ever. She was grateful that her children found him amusing, rather than a terror. To her surprise, her dad had made extensive plans to throw a large cookout in honor of her return. He set up a pool for the kids, bought fireworks, and several movies to watch. It was almost overwhelming for Gemma to see him so playful and adventurous. Her dad even planned a road trip to a beach in Maryland. Gemma was delighted because her children had never been to a real beach.

During the road trip, Gemma sat in the passenger seat while her dad drove. They sat together fondly reminiscing on the past. She recalled his stereo, records, and the block party. When she brought up the field trip with the ferryboat, he could not remember the event. This saddened her because she felt it was the only good memory of him that she could call her own. She did now notice that her comfort level with him was far more at ease than it had ever been. This gave her satisfaction because she was forty years old and no longer the scared little girl.

Towards the end of the beach trip, Gemma’s dad mentioned that he wanted to pick out a small souvenir for a co-worker who had done the same for him. Gemma and her dad left the rest of the family to visit the shops. This was the first time they had been alone in many years. As they laughed and shot the breeze, Gemma picked out a glass hummingbird. It was quaint but cute. She even offered to pay for the item. In her mind, this occasion would replace the vague childhood field trip. At least she knew that this one was real.

Weeks later, while driving to the airport Gemma asked her dad how his co-worker liked the gift. Her heart was broken when he revealed that he lost it before he could present it to her. Just like that; a significant moment with her dad was insignificant. To him, the moment was probably as cheap as the item itself. To her, it was a last ditched effort to have a cherished memory of her father.