The Lost Memories of Ann

Julie

I met her at the end of the December of 2020 in the Queen Elizabeth II Hospital, sitting outside the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) waiting for her grandmother. She’s almost 22 years old when I first met her. She looks like a serious and insightful person, also full of respect and a responsible person. She’s not a friendly person but I swear that she has a beautiful smile if she chooses to smile. She only chooses to smile when talking to people. When she is alone, you can see her troubled face.

It is the rainy season when I have the first talk to her. She’s sitting alone on the bench outside the ICU while drawing a comic. Normally, I will see her playing with her smartphone. Well, that is the habit of youth. I’m the one who started the conversation. Amaze by her drawing, I want to know what is she doing.

 “I’m trying to do a comic, based on my real-life experiences.”

She answered me.

That is the last time where I see her in this hospital. After her grandmother passed away, I never see her coming again.

Ann

“Are you sure want to cut the red ribbon?”

Beautiful women in a white uniform ask me.

“Yes. It’s time to cut it. I don’t need it anymore.”

I reply with a dull smile. I don’t know what should I do and even don’t know myself either. I can’t see the rainbow anymore and listen to the chirping bird on the apple tree. I can’t feel the spring season, and also when autumn is coming. I can’t taste the sweetness of Christmas anymore, also the joy of celebrating my own birthday. Everything is colorless, silent, and tasteless. The only miracle is, I can still listen to the rhythm of the falling rain.

“I’m not sure about this but I hope you don’t regret doing this.”

Look like she doesn't agree with my decision but there's nothing that she can do to help me.

“I won’t. If I have to regret it, that is the next thing to think about it. Now is the time to cut the ribbon.”

I still with my decision. I can hear her small sigh.

“Okay. This is your decision. I hope you are not doing a wrong decision. The red ribbon will be cut on the count of 3…2…1…”

The light turns off and my world turns into the dark once the ribbon been cut.

January 15, 2004.

I asked my little sister to play with me but she won’t. I’m too excited with my new game, climb up on my parents' cupboard and land into their fluffy bed.

"Come on! It's fun."

I told her but she still won't.

"Come here! You should try it. You'll like it once you try it"

Once again she refuses me.

I grab her hand and bring her to climb up on the top of the cupboard. At the top of the cupboard, I tell her to jump but she doesn't want to. So, I push her down and then I jump after her while laughing with fun. It's just like jumping on a trampoline. My little sister then cries and my mom comes over.

"What did you do to her?!"

I look at my mom and say;

"I just play jumping away from the top of the cupboard with her."

My mom looks so angry.

"DO YOU WANT TO KILL HER?!"

Mac 23, 2004.

We play with our new bike!

My little sister uses a four-wheeled baby bike while I’m using a tricycle.

We are having fun until I hit her four-wheeled baby bike not on purpose and she cries.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean it.”

I said to her, but she still crying until my mom comes.

“What again have you done to her?! Can you stop bothering you little sister?”

I feel like…No, I didn’t bother her at all.

“I did not bother her. My bike hit her but I didn’t mean it.”

My mom is still angry.

“You don’t have to lie. Can you please be good to her? You’re such a bad sister!”

No, I’m not doing anything bad. It is hard to believe and forgive me?

“But I didn’t do anything bad to her.”

My mom won’t listen to me and it’s hurt me.

“Stop lying. YOU ARE REALLY A BAD PERSON.”

April 29, 2004.

My dad asks me to go to the basement to put something and my little sister follows me from the back. After I’ve done my work, I close the basement door and suddenly I heard my little sister screaming.

“What happen?!”

I ask her with a shocked face.

“My finger!”

She replies while crying.

“Oh! Sorry. I didn’t see that. Why did you put your hand there?”

I’m started to panic and my dad comes with a red face.

“What happen here?!”

His voice sounds angry and I’m scared. My little sister shows her finger to my dad.

“Why did you do this to her?! Why did you hurt her?!”

Once my mom heard my dad’s voice, she comes out from the balcony.

“You hurt her?!”

Now, both of my parents are angry.

 “Come here Chelsea, next time don’t ever follow your sister. She only will hurt you.”

My dad takes her and sends her to my mom.

“You are such a BAD sister, Ann.”

My heart hurt when he called me a bad sister. I didn’t mean it at all. Why can’t people understand me? I don’t ask her to follow me but when something happens, I’m the one who will always get blamed.

I enter the living room and see my little sister with my mom. My mom gives a sharp glance straight into my eyes.

“You are BAD, Ann. Why can’t you stop doing something bad to your little sister? You are the BAD SISTER EVER! LOOK AT CHELSEA FINGER!”

May 15, 2005.

My father is doing something with his hoe but I don’t know what and I’m playing with my cousin. We are playing with my toys. He plays with my car and I’m playing with my big white airplane bought by my mother. It’s almost 6.00 o’clock in the evening and I still playing with my cousin.

“Ann go upstairs and take a bath. It’s already dark so stop playing.”

My dad asks me to stop playing.

“Wait. I will, but wait a minute.”

I continue playing with my big airplane.

“Go upstairs. It’s already evening.”

He repeats it.

“Wait.”

And I continue playing again.

For the third time, he didn’t say anything but he comes to me with his hoe and took my airplane. He broke my new big white airplane in front of me and my cousin with his hoe! No more shape left! It’s totally broke into small pieces.

“Now, go upstairs and take a bath!”

I’m too shock! It’s my new airplane!

“Ann, I’ll go home. See you tomorrow. Bye.”

My cousin leaves me and back to his home quickly.

I leave my toys, go to the bath, and crying.

January 1, 2007.

I’m now in primary school, year 1 but I still can read. My mother is so angry because my father is a teacher but I’m too stupid. I have always been scolded by her because I can’t read even simple words. I only know how to write my name. One night, she asks me to bring my textbook and read it in front of her.

“Read it!”

I open my textbook and read it loudly but I can’t read it smoothly. This makes my mom even angry. She pulls my hair and asks me to read it again.

“Read it! How can the simple words also you can’t read and pronounce correctly?! YOU ARE TOO STUPID!”

I started to cry. She pulls my hairs even stronger and I feel hurt.

“Your father is a teacher but you are too stupid! You can’t read at all!”

I still crying. My head hurt. She’s still holding my hair.

“Read it AGAIN!”

I read it again but still can pronounce it correctly. Hence, she pulls my hair and crashes my face on my textbook.

“Now. Read it once more! I want to listen!”

I still can’t read it correctly! My mom then crashes my face on the wooden wall of our house.

“STUPID GIRL!”

She shouts and I continued to cry.

Jun 16, 2007.

Every night, Chelsea and I will have a small chat before bed. Tonight, I make a small joke with her and she’s laughing. Since her voice is too loud, I cover his mouth with my hand so that my parents will not hear it and scold us.

“Shh…! Stop laughing! Mom and dad will scold us if they heard us!”

I tell her in a soft voice, whispers into her ear.

“But it is funny. HAHAHA.”

I put my both hands to stop her laughing and cover her loud voice. I don’t remember cutting my nails and it hurt my little sister’s right cheek. This makes her cry. Once she cries, my dad comes over.

“What happen?!”

I look at her and my dad with a clueless face. My mom comes after him. Chelsea then shows us her cheeks. I can see blood!

“Ann! Now you are trying to leave a scar on your little sister's face?! What kind of sister you are! If she gets married one day, you want her husband to know that you are a bad sister?!”

My mom yelled at me. I didn’t mean to hurt my little sister. It was an accident!

My father put medicine on my little sister’s cheek.

“You are cruel, Ann!”

He said.

February 7, 2009.

Every time I got ranked 2 and below in the test, my mom would hit me in the palm of my hand. I need to get 1 position in each exam to satisfy her or she will hit me. There were times I got the 2nd position and he hit me in the palm of his hand with a cane. It's painful! A number of hits based on the level you get. Since I got 2 points, I got 2 hits. One in the palm of my right hand and the other in my left hand. Chelsea is not as smart as I am. As a result, he always got the worst position in his class. He always got a ranking of 8 but he only got 4 hits.

There’s a time when many of my subjects get lower marks. It is not because I’m not studying. I always face a problem with reading a question during an exam. The question always changes if I read it multiples times. Sometimes, I will mark a wrong answer even though I already choose the correct answers.

“YOU STUPID! STUPID! How can you get a low mark on your test?!"

This is the first time my heart hurt too much when my mom called me like this.

I run to my bedroom with my all test papers, crying alone in my bedroom.

“Why am I so stupid? Why I got a low mark on my test? WHY?!”

I’m too depressed. I take my test papers and tear them into small pieces while crying alone.

January 30, 2021.

I am still sad and angry at my mother. I give everything they want to my parents but they still say that I never appreciate what they give me and all their sacrifices for me? Mom always told my sisters not to be like me. I am an ungrateful and stubborn daughter.

Why my life should be like this? WHY? I’m the one who always been scold during my childhood, all the mistake that didn’t do was blame to me, I was pushed to be a smart and intelligent person until my face was crashed on the wall?! My other stupid siblings never treated like this!

When I tell the truth, people prefer to believe the lie than the truth. I’ve been called a BAD sister but I’m the only one who takes care of my little brother during his sickness. Not Chelsea nor my dad! I’m frustrated!

My mom said I’ll never succeed if she didn’t do all of those things for me before. Yes it true but, ISN’T IT LIKE A CHILD ABUSE? When I train my siblings like how I was trained by my mom before, she’ll scold me. WHAT IS THIS?! THIS IS HOW I WAS TREATED AND TRAIN BEFORE! NOW ALL MY SIBLINGS KNOW NOTHING AND TOO SPOILED!

I don’t get pocket money and I have to hold my hungry stomach, my mom wants me to enter Science School and it is a MUST. I did it for her. I manage to enter Science School. When I have a problem, they never believe me! THEY HATE ME! THEY CALLED ME A LIER!

She wants me to enter University, yes I do it for her. I didn’t stop my study because I want to make her satisfied. As I grow up, I finally recognized that it like I don’t create my own future but it was my mom who creates a future for me. She asks me to do this, to take this, and to become this. For all these years, I always listen and follows what she asks until I forgot to think about my own selves, my limit.

For 22 years, I feel like I do not grow up with a healthy mind. Every moment of my life full of frustration, verbal abuse, and all the bad things that should not be experienced by a little child. If I’m a person who never appreciates what have my parents did, I will never choose to do whatever they want and sacrifices my time also my dignity to cover my young brother’s sickness. I have to close the villagers’ mouths from talking bad about my young brother by showing my best result in academics.

I sacrifice my sleep at night for him that causes me to sleep during class. I gave Chelsea my pocket money during my college time when she was at secondary school because she is extravagant. Although I also don’t have money to survive in my college during that time, I still gave her some of my money without asking her to pay it back to me.

I always ask myself. Why must I live in this world? Why should I born if I have to face all of these bad things? WHY??! Am I the only unfortunate person in this world?

 Julie

She's actually having a mental illness but not the kind that will make you shout here and shout there like the other mental illness that you can found in the mental hospital. She's having too much depression from her childhood until her adolescence. She came to this hospital on her own and ask me to let to live here.

"You can live here because you don't have a chronic mental illness. You can still solve this problem by having a family gathering."

I tell her this because she's too young and I believe that by having a family talk, her problems can be solved.

"No. You don't understand! People always say that they know my problem and understand me more but they're not!"

I feel sorry for her. I never knew that behind her serious and beautiful smile, she hides thousands of painful memories.

"So, what does it means if you want to stay here? Did your parents know?"

I look into her dark black eyes, waiting for her answers.

"I want to cut ties with them."

I'm a bit shocks when I heard what did she said just now.

"So...they don't know that you are here, right?"

She nodded.

 Ann

It’s a new day and a new dawn for me. I can hear the birds chirping, smells the red roses in the park, and taste the sweetness of celebrating my birthday. I have my own room, blue in color. My own bed, white in color. My own PC, my own tablet, and my own studio. I have a quiet room to pray and I have my own kitchen to make the food that I want. 

Julie

“Ann is not there. We gave her a special room to stay.”

I know they are Ann’s parents because I’ve seen them at the Queen Elizabeth II Hospital before.

“How can you know us?”

Ann’s mom asks me.

“A Psychology Specialist can read people easily.”

I reply with a smile and asks them to follow me.

“This is her room. We made it a bit special than the other because she is our special patient here. We don’t provide her food but we give her permission to use our kitchen to prepare the food that she likes.”

Ann’s mom looks at her daughter with red eyes. His father is still quiet.

“I thought I know her well but I don’t. I want her to go home.”

She said.

I bring them closer to Ann’s room. When Ann notices that I’m coming with two other people, she comes closer.

“Ann, do you know them?”

I ask Ann.

“I think I’ve met them before but I don’t remember, where. Who are these people?”

Ann’s mom cries once she heard what was out of her daughter’s mouth.

“Ann faced with mental depression from her young age."

“I want her to go home.”

Said Ann’s mom.

“I’m sorry but I have to tell you this. You can’t bring her home because she already becomes one of our special patients here. Besides, she already lost some of her past memories.”

I explained to Ann’s mom.

“But before she lost her past memories, she had said something.”

Ann’s mother looks straight into my eyes.

“What did she said?”

She asks me.

“If I can choose to die, I will…But I was born to live…”