Darkest before the dawn.

April 15, 2017. It is always darkest before the dawn. River could still hear her grandfather’s words as she quietly stepped out of the front door 15 minutes before the sun was to rise. She was out here specifically to watch the sunrise. A moment she and her grandfather use to enjoy together. With his passing two weeks ago, she wanted to start to make this a tradition for herself. It didn’t need to be every day, but she wanted to continue the act of watching the sunrise and remembering the good moments of life. This is what she and her grandfather would do. She could remember that her grandfather would get her up early, he would have his coffee ready and hot chocolate for her. He would already have a blanket set up for her outside, and it would always be warm even if it was one of the coldest mornings. Sometimes they would be outside too early and would listen to the animals beginning to wake up. They would listen to the changes in the air. They would watch as the last of the night light would leave the sky, and the temperature would dip to its lowest point. And then the first rays of the sunrise would show. The light would suddenly reemerge in the sky. Her grandfather would tell her that the sun was pulling in all the energy it could so that it could create a dazzling show for them. So that nothing else could take away from its spectacular self as it brought the day to the world. River knew that it was not the truth, but it sure seemed like it was a good way to look at things.

March 12, 2020. It is always darkest before the dawn. River was called to an emergency meeting. She hated anything that had to be told to them in an overwhelming way. And emergency meetings were never calm and organized. She took a deep breath and told herself that it was just the dark moment where she would hate everything of the unknown to come. When you don’t know what is coming you can’t prepare for it. You can’t tell yourself all will be fine because you know that it is just a lie. How can the sunshine if the next step is the brightest moment you ever see? How can you suck up the energy to shine when you don’t even know what type of energy there is to pull from?

Her entire office crowded into the small conference room. Only during emergency meetings do they all need to be in this space. And it seems with all this talk of a major illness going around they would have found a better way to do this meeting. The last thing River wanted was to get sick. She had some important presentations coming up, and she did not want to have to do them while fighting off whatever this thing was. As she sat in the room she looked around at some of her colleagues wondering what they have all been up to since some of them were closer than they had ever been. She wanted to mention personal space, but then that seemed a little rude.

The regional manager stepped into the conference room and everyone went silent.

“Hello everyone. I am going to make this quick because as of noon today we will need to begin to follow social distancing protocols. And as of tomorrow at 2 pm this floor is closed.” There were murmurs and some raised ends of sentences that buzzed all around the room.

“I know this is sudden, but it would seem that we will need to close the office doors for at least two weeks. I want you all to take home the office laptops you have been issued. If you have not please see Sophia immediately so we can get you one.” She paused. “I know some of you are working on projects, please continue this. There are a few presentations next week, these will … I am not sure yet. They may be postponed or we may just work on a new way to do them. Keep working on them, and we will…see what happens.” She paused again. River could see that she was working on fumes. That she had been working really hard and understanding and organizing how to continue the work of the company in a new format. “I want everyone to make sure that you bring all your contact information home so that you can continue working.” She paused, took a deep breath, “Does anyone have any questions?”

Noise erupted. It was like the room was sucked clean of energy. River suddenly couldn’t breathe. She stopped to look around her at what looked like murmuring clowns. There were faces of panic, concern, mortification, and complete confusion. The noises all merged into one. Everyone was trying to be heard, and yet no one was at the same time. There was no way anything could occur with this crazed mass in this small office space.

Quietly, River slid her chair back, and she turned to step out. She stood behind her chair and lifted it back, tucked it under the table. She breathed out and took a slow and low breath in. She turned and stepped away from the chaos. She moved to the door and stepped out into what was fresh air. Into where there was space to be and to breathe. River went to her desk, where everything was nicely organized. She unlocked her cabinet to the left of her desk and pulled out her work laptop. She placed it into her work bag. She then grabbed her notepad where she kept all of her notes and random contacts that were not already saved to her phone. She glanced around; the floor still quiet. And she realized that while the world broke into the chaos she just emerged from, she was going to go home and be safe. She was going to be able to keep her normal routines, just all from the comfort of her own space.

June 15, 2021. It's always darkest before the dawn. Working from home was not as amazing as River had hoped. It was nice at first, and then it just dragged on. She was still productive. She was able to complete projects and to work on her presentations. She found new platforms that made her simple old plain presentations more fun and eye-catching. But she also found that in order to fill all the time she used to use to go do things, she was working. Or she was working on making things better for work. It was like work took over her entire life, because, well…there was nothing else to do quite frankly.

River just wanted to feel more normal again. In fact, she was beginning to miss the office. Not necessarily all the people, but the ability to leave her space, to sit in different locations that are not just 15 feet from her own kitchen. To use an office kitchen, as gross as it may be.

River had a meeting with her boss in 15 minutes. She was pretty sure it was to just go over the new project she received. It did not look too overwhelming, and in fact, look like a typical process she had done many times. In some ways, River felt like this project was her specialty. River looked over the overview one more time to just make sure. She figured the meeting would be quick with the boss and then she could just go about her day. Maybe she would go for a walk today to get out and catch some fresh air no that things were calming down. Maybe actually get some food and eat it in the park. Be outside for a few minutes without a mask.

River watched as the time was ticking closer to the meeting time. She opened the zoom meeting early. She hated to be late, and she feared that the link would be wrong if she waited until too close to the meeting time. The link took her straight to the waiting for the host screen. She checked her water, and that her pen worked. And then the screen changed. Her boss was signing in early too.

“Hi, River. As usual, you are prompt.”

“Hello. I don’t like to be the last one in. That is sure. Kind of sucks the air out of my lungs when I do that.” Her boss smiled.

“So, I asked to meet you today because we are going to start bringing people back into the office. And some we are going to leave on work at home. I know that you have been super productive from home. Almost too productive. I have seen some of your email times are really late. I know that schedules are weird over the last 16 months, but you have to take time for yourself.”

“Oh, yes, that is something I know I need to work on. You said some. What are you thinking about for me?”

“Well, that’s just it. I really want you to come into the office. I think I need you here. Mainly because…I need you to head a task force to ensure we are all following the new protocols and policies.” She paused. River’s face did not change. “Am I asking for too much?”

“You are not! I was just thinking that I missed those darn walls in that building. I have no problem coming in. What do you need me to do?”