The Path To True Happiness

The smell of books and hand sanitizer fill the library with a sense of comfort, but this does nothing to tame my anxiety. I'm in the self-help aisle, and I'm currently having an internal battle about whether or not I should check out anything. You see, I have depression. It's mind-numbing and leaves you desperate for relief. I don't usually get self-help books. I've never chosen to read a self-help book on my own. They seem useless.

My aunt bought me one on "How To Be Confident." Oh, please. Like I'd ever become confident just because a book told me so. My self-hatred is just a symptom of my depression. It's not something I can easily fix. Well, enough thinking. People are starting to give me weird looks for just standing here staring at the same spot on the shelf. I grab the book with the yellow words, "Happiness" on its spine.

This looks like something I need to read. I'm relieved to finally check this book out and return home. I turn the lights on and the silence of my apartment hits me like waves crashing over unsuspecting rocks. I hate this silence so I decide to play some music while I read. It's piano covers of pop songs. It sounds really pleasant. I take out the book and focus on the cover. The words are yellow and bold as ever in front of the black background.

I open it up to the first chapter. It's called "The Bridge To Better Thoughts." I silently read the words on the page.

Your thoughts influence your moods much more than you would ever imagine. This chapter is here to prove that and create a bridge for you to doubt your negative thoughts. The perceptions of ourselves and the world help to create our personalities.

Ah, boring. My views on the world are something I can't change. Trauma made sure of that. I sigh and pull up the unread message on my phone.

Hey, do you want to maybe come over?

It was Madeline, my best friend. I didn't want to interact with people today but I read it so now it's my duty to reply.

Sorry, I can't. I'm cleaning the house before my aunt visits.

Okay, I'll see you tomorrow then.

It wasn't entirely a lie. My aunt is coming over soon. It'll be a few days before she'll be here though. I just find myself becoming more withdrawn lately. I open up the book again and continue to read.

Pay attention to your responses. How do you view the world? It's a question that only you can truly answer. Think about your perception as a whole. Do you think the world is incredible or hideous?

The question causes me to pause. The world has been nothing but cruel to me. It took so much of my happiness and destroyed it. I can never be as happy as I used to be when I was a child.

I was blissfully unaware of the situation until I got older. My mom and dad would constantly argue over the smallest things. The issues began getting bigger and my mother saw my dad with another woman. It was that night that we left. We lived in the car and ate gas station snacks for breakfast and soggy pizza for dinner. Middle school was Hell for me. I had no friends. Everyone said that I stink. It was humiliating. Now I'm here on my own and I suffer from depression. This is why I hate the world.

I open the book and read once again.

Judging by who this book is meant for I'd say that you really hate the world. Why else would you be so desperate for happiness? Now ask yourself what the good things you see in the world are. Look at the simple things and ask yourself if it's really as bad as you thought. I know this will be a bit difficult so take your time.

I close my eyes and try to think about anything that I find good in this world. Madeline. Although I've been difficult at times, she's always supported me and I'll continue to do the same for her. The next thing is my aunt. Even though my parents don't really speak to me anymore, she visits at least three times a month. I go to her house on holidays.

I begin to imagine what the book was saying about small things. Compared to all of the bad things in my life, the nice things are pretty small. The important thing is that they exist. I open the book once more.

I know you must've found a few because there's always at least something good about our lives. The negative impacts seem bigger than the positive ones but that is only because you choose to let them be larger than they should be. It's up to you to decide what you think are the most important parts of your life. It's all a matter of thought. Now notice the small miracles you can find and the big ones too. They're found in nature.

I shut the book and walk outside. All I see are cars and some dumb clouds. I stare at them longer and notice that one of them resembles a rabbit. I can see it now just hopping about. Animals. This world doesn't deserve them. They are miracles. Dogs continue to love even after they've been hurt and abused. Unlike me, they love unconditionally and hold the negatives at bay.

Lions and other wild animals are fierce and dangerous, but behind that, they're just trying to survive. There's never an evil motive behind their actions like humans have. I look at the sky and notice that everything really is kinda beautiful. The way the sun shines through the trees gives me a warm feeling inside. I walk inside and open my book back up. I'm going to finish this chapter and take a walk afterward.

Nature is a pretty beautiful thing once you let yourself notice it. The world must seem a bit less hideous now, huh? Now it's time to look at another perspective. The one you have about yourself. What are some beautiful things about you? The way we see ourselves affects our internal happiness greatly. There's something amazing about everyone. Look at the small things first, such as appearance. Then you should go deeper into your character traits. This is the part of us that always shines.

I walk to the mirror and study my face. I have bad acne that I absolutely hate. It's worse now because I'm not wearing make-up. My eyes are dull and sad. My lips are thin and I feel like a mess. My heart beats faster as I stare at my imperfections. It reminds me that I'm alive. 

I remember life being beautiful though. It's actually amazing that I'm even standing here now. I wouldn't have been able to recognize the beauty this world can have if it wasn't for my heart that keeps me alive. The character traits that I have are the things that make me who I am. I'm Ruby Harper. I love to draw and listen to music. I have a sense of humor that once cause Madeline to choke on her water. I'm strong enough to power through the days everything seems pointless. It takes bravery to live with depression.

I open up the book to read the ending.

All of these things make up who you are and the world you view yourself in. You have your own sense of consciousness that is all your own. You have the power to change it and find what you value.

The chapter ends there and I place my bookmark where the new one begins. I thought I would take a walk but I'd rather see Madeline today. I'll tell her what's going on and how I found this book. I'm pretty sure she'd enjoy it.