Polaris

Polaris

The first thing I remember opening my eyes was the stars overhead, as I lied down on the cold snow on the ground. The feeling of blood running down my head was a peripheral thought when it came to the glorious stars above.

Then there was you.

-

You first took me in the cabin, that was the second thing I remember. Up until that point I was numb to say the least. Or it may just be that the pain I was suffering was just too much that my body had to over compensate for it by making my whole body feel like nothing.

You carried me gingerly, and took me into your arms as I broke down crying on your couch.

I couldn’t remember anything.

Nothing.

-

You taught me to do the things human beings should have been taught when they were younger. But I didn’t know them, I couldn’t have, and yet you still were patient enough when I couldn’t even make my legs to move. It was disgruntling, and humiliating but you were there. You were always there.

Some days it felt like my brain was a mess of all the fuzzy things in the universe. Like white noise, or like those fuzzy pillows that always have hairs standing up. Some days it felt like I was on the top of the world and you would smile as I came waddling towards you hoping to help you cook.

All of it was confusing and I would rage, and you would let me be to get the stress out, but sometimes I would cry and despair because I knew something was wrong. Something was so so wrong.

And you would hug me, (but there would always be that whisper of idontknowthisidontknowthiswhatisthiswhatisthis) and it seemed that everything would be alright. The human touch seemed to ground me, and you were my anchor.

You would brush away the hair covering my face as I shivered, and you would whisper, “Everything would be fine, everything would be fine.” Over and over again.

And I would believe everything you say because I know nothing better.

-

When the winter blizzards finally subdued and you could drive your old truck so we could go to the doctor’s office to finally get the answers I needed, I was scared.

No, more like terrified.

What if this was permanent, that I would always be this husk of a human being remembering nothing before you? What would I do then, if I could never find what I was before, and you got tired of me?

Probably die and wither in the snow as you threw me out, my mind supplied. I chose to ignore it, and continued the conversation we were having about the songs on the radio.

I nodded along because I have no idea about the songs from before that you were comparing it to.

When you finally explained what our situation is with the doctor, and I tried to give a description of the fuzzy, almost-tangible-but-not-quite-there-yet memories that I have, he nodded solemnly.

“You might have retrograde amnesia, from trauma to the brain caused by the vehicle you were riding to crash into the tree. Now, we might have to run some more tests on you to see if the damage done to your brain is extensive.” The doctor tried to explain concisely, though I was still lost at the words I was hearing that didn’t make sense to me.

His face got serious as he continued, “Best case scenario, it would take about a month or two to get the memories back, though it may not be in full. Worst case scenario, you never get them back.”

It felt like the world was dropping in on me, slowly caving in as the words dug deeper into my mind. Never. Never. It’s quite a scary word, especially when regarding the life you have built up before.

But you held my hand tightly through it all, and you smiled at me and said everything will be alright. And I believed you because I didn’t know anything else than to do so.

We came home knowing that there was damage, but not enough to completely debilitate me and you sighed saying that was enough for him. If that was enough for you, then I knew that it was enough for me too.

Because even that small chance was enough for me to know that there was still hope.

-

The next few months we spent together was calm. Almost blissful, as I was in my ignorance. Ignorance for the way you would watch over me while I chop the wood for the fire place and bite your nails in anxiety, and the way that you always did everything for me.

I never noticed it. All I knew was that at that point you were my everything, and I couldn’t imagine a life without you. Hell, I couldn’t even remember one without you.

After the first two months I came to you, saying I was worried that I wouldn’t be back the way that I was before, and I broke down that I would just be forever your burden, if you didn’t throw me out.

And like always, you stroked my hair and pulled me close until my wailing came down to soft sniffling.

“There will always be hope. Even if it takes 5 years, or heck even 10 I know that something good will happen. I swear.” You exclaimed as I settled back into the corner of the couch facing away from you.

I looked away.

“And even if that doesn’t happen, I know I’ll never be rid of you, kiddo.” And you ruffled my hair.

I didn’t do anything but roll my eyes fondly, and brush you away.

-

A year had passed since the accident. I never really counted the days we spent as they all just mushed together into this one ball of memories that I keep in my mind as my memories of you. But you did, and I was thankful for it.

So I woke up on the day that you first found me with you in front of me, holding a cake that had ‘Happy Day’ written on top of it.

I giggled uncontrollably at the sight of it, and it made you chuckle too.

“So, what is this?” I asked you, as I stared down the chocolate covered monstrosity you held.

You widened your mouth in fake shock, “This, young lady, is a cake to celebrate the day I picked you up! Now, eat, I want to stuff you full before you open you present.”

I smiled brightly before following you to the kitchen where I sat down and ate the meal you prepared for me. It was delicious, as do all of things you make me. I knew it was that way because it was all I had ever tasted.

The next thing you did was to hand me a little box with a bow on top of it. I opened it, and it revealed a locket with a dainty little design on it. I remember looking at you in awe and disbelief as I saw a little picture of us together inside of it.

“Oh, just a little memorabilia for when you finally get back your memories. So just you remember this lil’ ol’ pal here.” He gestured to himself and I couldn’t stop laughing.

Then all of the sudden I stopped, and my face was struck with surprise. You looked at me quizzically, raising you eyebrow.

I smiled at you, “I’m Eleanor. Eleanor. And I’m 22.”

-

You caught wild animals for a living, selling them for their meat and that’s how you provided for both of us. Half of the day I was stuck home most of the time cleaning and doing other chores while sometimes I got to explore outside.

It was a about a year after the moment I first remembered my name, and since then I started to remember small tidbits from my life little by little. Like how I was quite popular back in high school and had a group of friends that I went with to shop.

You laughed at me and said I was a city girl, and if I still had my memories I would be running to get the hell away from this place.

I frowned because I can’t imagine not liking the place I had stayed in for almost 2 years.

We were celebrating a successful hunt where you managed to catch a deer and sell it for more than what it would usually sell for and had extra cash to spare. So you rented a DVD and bought us a box of pizza.

I remember watching the movie, and watching as the girl kissed the guy. I wondered how that would feel like, and imagined you and I mashing lips like they were. It felt like butterflies.

And so I did it, out of the blue without saying anything before and you stilled.

It felt like time itself has stopped. And when we finally separated I stared into your eyes before you excused yourself and went outside to smoke.

It was the dead of winter, so I knew you must be cold, and you didn’t bring a thick jacket with you so I grabbed one for you and myself and went to follow you.

“Look, I’m sorry if whatever I did upset you. I didn’t mean it-“ I started to explain before you cut in.

“I had a wife once you know? Pregnant too, when I was in the military. Then she died of complications and I was left with almost no marketable skills to get a job. I- I- I once had a life you know? I… Why the heck am I even telling you this?” You remarked as you continued smoking your cigarette and I sat obediently by your side staring at the stars in the night sky.

“Probably because you felt like it was worth sharing to me at the moment.” I said humorously at you the same statement you had said to me countless times.

You only chuckled a little before you started to kiss me again.

-

We were chopping wood in the backyard for the fireplace then, I remember. You and I were laughing at some jokes the butcher at the meat shop had told you, and I was commenting at them.

It was a normal Saturday then, nothing out of the ordinary when suddenly I froze.

Memories had begun to enter my mind. Memories that seem to have come from nowhere. My parents, and their names, my address, my first boyfriend, and how I got here. They were coming back slowly, trickling in with the headache that sent me kneeling on the floor clutching my head.

You sat with me as I sat crying, whispering, "I remember." Over and over again.

You only nodded and said "I know." Everytime I said so.

You held my chin in your hand and tilted my head to see eye to eye with me, your face set in a serious expression that seemed to express both the gravity of the situation and the inner turmoil you felt inside. I wish I could calm you, and make you believe that I would never, never.

“You have to go find them,” You whispered to me, tears pooling in your eyes as you said them.

I whisked my head no vigorously, “No. No. I’m not going to leave you. I’m not.

You laughed solemnly as you wiped the tears off my cheek.

“You’d forget me soon, El. You’d forget me. And you’ll forgive me for making you do so. But I know you’ll never forgive me for not letting you leave.” You whispered as you pulled me close, me whimpering silently against your chest.

That night I left with a suitcase that you said is mine now, and all of the clothes that I have that you have given me.

I didn’t look back.

-

7 months have passed.

It had been 7 months since I had last seen you, last talked to you. Before I could never have believed that I could do that for a week, much less 7 months.

But I did it. And I’m still here.

The night still shone with the moon overhead, the stars sparkling like it did years ago when I first met you. It really puts into perspective how little things change over time.

I approached the little cabin, its door open the way it was when I was here. I chuckled a little at how little security you have, when the past few months I lived in a house with all the brand new modern security systems that humans have developed.

I entered, and everything looked as if I had never left. But there wasn’t my apron in the kitchen, my coat on the coat hanger. It felt like something mine that was suddenly not.

Not lingering any longer I continued to walk until I reached the expansive backyard you have, if it can be called that and not a full-blown forest. And you were there, still wearing the same clothes you used to wear, still chopping wood with the same axe.

“Hey.” I whispered quietly, but the night was so quiet, the stars our only witness that it was loud enough to seem like a scream.

You stopped what you were doing and smiled at me, wiping the sweat off your forehead.

“You came back.” You sighed into the night air, looking at me incredulously.

I smiled tearily at you, “I came back.”

Then you were kissing me and everything suddenly went quiet. It felt like home. Like everything I ever wanted in life. It was like coming back to the place you belonged.

When we separated, I could not help but look up at the stars and laugh. The start and the end of my journey, truly. I smiled when I saw the bright star that haunted my dreams away from you.

The only thing I could compare to you was the North Star. When you are lost, you could always find your north, much like I did with you, finding home when I was lost.

And I knew that you would always be my North star.

My Polaris.