Party with GG

I hated having to return to my hometown after I graduated from college, but I was unable to find a good paying job. The last thing I wanted to do was go to Grandma’s party, so I told Grandma I would spend the evening with my great-grandmother. I always called her GG. 

I wanted to pull the covers over my head, and not thinking about doing anything-especially going to Grandma's party.  I remember when Mama would spend days in bed, and now I associate morning with some kind of insidious pain. People talk about Mama without mentioning her directly. There are still rumors about Mama getting kicked out of college, her falling out with the Democratic Party, and her nearly getting kicked out of the Unitarian Universalist Church.  

In my family, we don’t use the word mental illness. We just say someone has “her ways.”  High strung was another common synonym for mental health issues in my family. If someone was an alcoholic, that person was referred to as decadent. My family tree was full of decadent, high strung people who had their ways.   Now I was starting to have “my ways.” I have severe social anxiety and haven’t gone to a party in years. Yes, I’m a bit high strung.  

 I finally decided to see a shrink even though everyone in town would find out.  Grandma said I just needed to get busy, but there wasn’t much to do in my town except go to church, hang out at a bar, or go to a redneck party. I wasn’t going to tell anyone I was seeking help, as we definitely didn’t need another high-strung person in the family. I live in a town where everyone knows everyone, and I will always be known as my Mama’s daughter. kudzu. 

When I arrived at the shrink’s office, I filled out a bunch of forms and cautiously answered the questions about my mental health issues and family history. I didn’t dare say anything about Mama’s issues, as I was afraid I would automatically get diagnosed with bipolar and put on stronger medications. It’s a good thing I was still on my Daddy’s insurance, so unlike Mama, I had options in terms of where I wanted to go.  The mental health clinic was terrible, so Mama never got good treatment. 

 After I filled out several forms, I studied the fish in aquarium located in front of the couch and noticed a fish was on the bottom and didn’t move at all. When I turned in my paperwork, I told the secretary that I thought the fish was dead. 

“No, he does that all the time. Just a crazy fish.” For a brief moment, I saw a look of regret on her face. I smiled to put her at ease. I wondered if was playing dead because the other fish ganged up on him.  

  A large woman who appeared to be in her fifties rocked back and forth.  an elderly woman kept asking, “What am I doing here? Don’t need to see a doctor. Nothing hurts. “  

A man with a Mark Twainish look called my name.  I took a deep breath and mentally rehearsed what I would say. I did have to see a therapist after Mama died, but I’d never been on psychiatric medications before.  I tried hard not to show any amusement over his hair and maroon tie that didn’t match his jacket.  

“Go ahead. Have a seat. I’m Dr. Gamble.” He shook my hand and sat behind his desk. There were books and files all over his desk.  

I sat down on a black chair in front of his desk.  I glanced out his huge window and could see so much of the town.  

“You got a great view, “I said. 

“Yes,” he said without any infection in his voice. 

He opened a think folder and studied my intake papers. 

“So how can I help you? “ 

“I feel depressed. But I don’t know how much of it is due to my situation. I just graduated. And i'm terrified of social gatherings. I haven't slept for several weeks because my grandmother wants to have a party.” 

“So what do you do?” 

“I am a part-time waitress, and I get paid to help out with my great-grandmother who has Alzheimer’s disease."

“ How is your appetite?”  

“ I’ve lost some weight..”

“Any suicidal thoughts? Hearing things that aren’t there?”  

“No,” I said. 

“Has anything happened recently like the loss of a loved one or some other major stressor?”  

“ I just graduated from college and moved here. ” 

He leaned back and raised his left eyebrow. 

His stare was starting to make me a little uncomfortable. I shifted in my chair and tried to avoid shaking my knee. 

  “Have you ever taken an antidepressant?” 

“No.” 

      “I’m going to put you on a low dose of Effexor. It is good for depression, anxiety and ruminating. Works on all neurotransmitter systems. Now when you feel better on this, try to remember what it’s like to feel happier. Hold on to those feelings. The goal is to get off medication. Can’t think of his name, but I read about this guy who would induce different mood states just so he could control his mind and moods. “

I wondered if the drug would affect my personality or make me gain a bunch of weight. Mama had been taking medications like Haldol along with her Lithium then she took Depakote and gained over fifty pounds.  When I grabbed the prescription, I noticed my hands were shaking.  

“I am worried about my memory,” I said. 

“So write things down, so you don’t forget.”  

 “I journal a lot,” I said. “My Mama was sort of a writer. “

“Really? I have several writers in my family. “

“And remember to write down your memories so you won’t forget.” He smiled at me for the first time.  

Dr. Gamble handed me a prescription also wrote “make a friend,” on a separate prescription slip. He led me to the checkout window and wished me told me he would see me in six months. The snarky looking receptionist handed me an appointment card.  I glanced over at the aquarium in the waiting room and noticed the crazy fish was still on bottom. Just as I walked out, I heard the secretaries talking about a bridge that had collapsed earlier that morning.  

I filled my prescription outside of town. I could only imagine running into someone who knew about my family history while I was getting my medication filled. I got lost on my way back home, but I liked the idea of getting lost and found in my hometown. Everything looked different, and I just noticed all how green everything was. Grandma had begged me to go to the party, but I insisted on going to my great-grandmother’s, and we’d have our own party. Grandma thought about bringing GG to the party, but i convinced Grandma it would be better for her not to go. GG got upset around crowds.  At the last family party, all my relatives practiced shooting. It was just too loud for my sensitive ears. And they are always talking about the next apocalypse or a civil war because the communists were taking over. 

  When I got to GG’ that evening, I had to keep knocking before she came to the door. I wanted to give her the option of opening the door before I used my key. GG opened the curtain and peeked out the window over the door before she opened it.  

“What do you want?” GG was wearing a gown with stains all over it and old, pink bedroom slippers. 

“I am supposed to visit tonight. ”

“I’m busy,” she said. “People come in and out all the time. This is my house. My house.” 

 “Thank you for letting me come in.” 

“Want some tea?” GG asked. “We can have a little party. 

I didn’t really want any, but I wanted GG to feel useful. 

“Wish I had baked a cake. I like lemon pound cake. I fix it all the time.”  

“That’s okay.”

I walked over to the living room while GG went into the kitchen to get some tea. The television was on full volume. Judge Judy was screaming at a sobbing young woman and told her to get a life. GG handed me the tea and flopped down in her brown recliner she must’ve had for years.  

“It’s time to party,” I said.

“Wee,” GG said. 

“I just don’t understand why all these people are here. It’s my house My house. I paid for it and don’t own anything on it. Paid for it myself. My house.” She pointed her finger at me. 

         “It’s a nice place,” I said. 

“Yup. Got everything I need. My tea, my recliner, and the phone book. Is my car out there?” 

I turned around and opened the blinds.

“Come and look,” I said. 

“Katherine tried to take it away,” GG said. “I raised her better than that.” 

 The sky turned pink and purple moonlight shone through the trees. 

“Look how pretty it is outside.” 

“Let me see,” GG said. I helped her out of the recliner. 

“Oh, ain’t it pretty.” GG usually got upset when it started to get dark. “We got to have a little party. Just us. We won’t tell anyone. It’ll be our secret. 

“Yes,” I said. 

“Well, that is right pretty.?” 

“Now let’s party,” I said. 

“Yeah,” GG said. “We can do what we want. Let’s go for a ride.” 

The stars rose and the neon strip of moonlight shone through the magnolia branches. GG went back to her recliner. I closed the blinds. 

“ It sure is pretty.  This used to be a mill village you know. I’ve lived here for over fifty years,” GG said.  It seemed as though GG was able to go back, and live her life in reverse? Would it really have made any difference? Yet in many ways she was a child again. I often thought about going back to the beginning, the imperfect state of possibility, where everything I ever loved could be complete and whole again. 

  GG played with the phone and tried to change the channel with the phone while I tried to remember what things were like when I was a child. GG put down the remote control and pointed the phone at the television.  

“It ain’t working.” 

I laughed and offered to help. 

“I can do it. Why are you laughing?” 

“Nothing really.” GG kept pointing the phone at the television. I covered my mouth with my hand.  

 “Don’t think you’re too big to get a whipping. And Katherine ain’t either. Don’t know why she took my car. I could take her down to the jailhouse. You got a lawyer on the case?” 

“Your car is in the driveway.” 

“You got a boyfriend?” 

“Got rid of him,” I said.  

“Did you kick his butt?” 

“Yeah,” I said. I laughed then GG laughed. I laughed even harder. 

“They ain’t worth the trouble,” GG said.

GG put the phone in her lap. 

“We got to get into something. Cause the fun part if getting out. What are we gonna do?” 

“Don’t know.” 

“You want some tea? “GG asked. 

“Got some. Thanks.”  

GG thumbed through the phone book. “ I used to work for the phone company. Don’t know what I’m looking for. Was I gonna call somebody?” 

“I heard you used to know everything that was going on.” Grandma said GG would find out when people were cheating on their wives or husbands and call them when they first got to the motel. 

“I still do. You still dating Mr. Silly Britches?” 

“I don’t have a boyfriend,” I said. 

“You got you a job?” GG put 

“Yes.” 

“That’s good. I know you’re nervous, but that don’t mean you can’t do nothing. Save up your money and get you a house.” It took me a few seconds to realize GG was talking about Mama.  

“I will.” 

“Why did you go away? Think you too good for us? Or were you trying to get away from Mr. Silly Britches? ” 

“Nope, just went to college.” 

“That’s alright then. Always knew you could do it.”  

I looked down at my bright blue sneakers. Maybe it was a good thing that GG thought Mama was still alive. GG still talked about her dead boyfriends and people at the telephone company who passed away. I debated whether or not I should tell her I was not my mama. GG’s blue eyes that sparkled with mischief reminded me of Mama’s eyes when she was contemplating saving the world. GG studied my eyes and her face looked young for a moment. Her faded eyes sparkled for a moment.  She studied my face again and looked happy and sad then she looked puzzled. 

“Who are you?” 

“I’m Jane, Mary’s daughter.” 

GG looked into my eyes and smiled. 

“You do have your mother’s eyes.” 

“Yes, she did have pretty eyes. Now have our little party.”