A first performance

Everything is going to run smoothly. People are settling down. I just need to breathe. Deeply and slowly. Evacuate my fears. How do I do that? I should have paid more attention to the yoga classes my mother made me listen to during the past few months. She always knows what is best for me.

Wait. What is happening on the other side? People are running. Someone is shouting. It is so loud out there. I can feel the crowd. I changed my mind. I do not want to go. I will just stay here. Why do we always need to get out of our comfort zone? 

When I first thought about this event, I considered it as a conclusion, an ending. The result of several months of work. I saw myself evolve and become a better version during that period. I guess I can be proud of the energy that I have persistently put in alongside my determination. It was not always easy. I did not expect that many ripple effects at such high speed. Time flew by so fast. I cannot believe that I am here today. I feel that I am not ready. I could improve much more. Did this day come too early?

It is dark on my side. I can perceive some lights out there. I can slightly discern movements. More people are coming in. Equipment are getting their final positions. The overall clamor is thickening. Just a few more minutes.

I now think of this moment as just the beginning of something bigger. So many opportunities are about to unwind. I am going to meet people that will help me achieve bigger goals and dreams, guide me in my upcoming troubles, assist me in my deepest efforts and share their most profound experiences with me. I cannot wait for these connections to grow. But I have to go through this first.

My head is on fire. My heart is racing. I must get my mind back on track. I have come a long way to be here. I am prepared. I must keep to the plan. People gathered for me this evening. They are expecting me. I need to focus, get into position, and get going. I can handle hard challenges.

When my parents met, I was just a dream. Isn’t that incredible to think about? That in some way I existed even before I was conceived. My mother really wanted me. She had tried and suffered two miscarriages before me. I was her last hope. She told me so. As for my father, he loved the idea of me. He wanted to make my mother the happiest woman on earth. I am not sure however that he had truly thought about the responsibilities that come with parenthood.

I have no siblings. In that regard, my parents have continuously and consistently been giving me everything that I could possibly need. They have provided me with so much already. I am going to make them both proud here and now. I will continue to fulfill their wildest dreams. Most people assume that it is a burden, but I will carry it with honor for as long as I can.

Right now, they are in the front row. I am getting nervous. I know that they have high expectations. They are a tough crowd. It makes me want to be a better human being. I can only think about them right now. They are my fuel. I know they are counting on me to push through my fears and show up at my finest.

As a matter of fact, I am getting excited. All these past struggles, the long preparation, and the relentless dedication are finally about to pay off. I hope it will to be worth it. I like to consider myself as a high achiever. I feel confident that that everything is going to go according to plan. I just need to follow through exactly the way I am supposed to.

I do not know anyone else than my family in this building. How odd is that? Complete strangers came to witness my performance tonight. It is meant to be a great show. I want it to be spectacular. It is set to get intense. I want people to never forget this moment. I am going to make sure that they discard every problem that they have. Even if it is just for a few minutes. I want to deliver my best. I want them to cry, laugh and feel a roller coaster of emotions. My job is to blow people’s minds and take them on a sensational journey.

I feel nauseous thinking about my audience. What if they do not like me? What if everything turns out to be terrible? If it turns out to be awful, what will I do? I do not want to feel rejected. Humiliation is my worst fear. I believe it is the most cruel emotion a human can feel.

Wait. I haven’t considered the worst case scenarios. How could I not? I regret it now. I should have thought about every possibility and map out every solution. I never wanted to contemplate an imperfect outcome. Once again, I should have listened to my mother. She is always ready for anything.

There is no time left. It is just a matter of seconds now. I am in position. Blood, sweat, and tears coming up.

Sounds are getting clearer and clearer. I can start distinguishing who is talking. My mother does not sound pleased at all. I might as well hurry up. She has been hanging on long enough. I can see some lights. It is so bright. Actually it is excruciating. My eyes are tearing up. I was not ready for that. I cannot stop my eyes from hurting. I wanted to come with pleasant features. This is not going according to plan. Wait. Who is touching me? Someone wants to grab me. I do not know that person. My mother is now yelling. What is happening? Where is my father? I cannot go back now. It is too late. I am coming.

“Welcome to the world baby girl”.