The End of My Addiction

I turned off my car engine as I spotted him driving towards me. I took one last glance in the rearview mirror to make sure I looked semi decent and that my bangs still sat neatly on my forehead. I ran my fingers through the rest of my nappy hair and wished I had brushed it before I left the house. I whispered to myself ‘you got this’ as I reached for the door handle. I was wearing a fitted tee and a pair of his old sweatpants. As silly as it sounds, Tanner always said I looked so cute in his sweats. Maybe somewhere deep down I tried to win his approval one last time. I stepped onto the hard pavement and brushed off the crumbs that were hidden in my clothes. The night air was warm and dry, but it felt nice on my pale skin.

He parked right next to where I stood and slowly opened his door. He towered over me like usual. He looked perfect. Sometimes I would ask myself how I even got a guy as handsome as him. We both looked into each other’s eyes and a soft but sad smile slipped onto his face. I couldn’t quite read how he was feeling. It had been a few days since I last saw him but his whole demeanor had changed. He started to search through the pockets of his faded blue jeans. He took out the crumpled cigarette box and tapped it against his 2016 Nissan Maxima that he was still paying off. He pulled out the last cigarette, “the lucky one”, he always called it. I never quite understood what could be so lucky about a cigarette, but I never had the courage to ask him. He lifted the cigarette and handed it to me. Our hands touched briefly.

I took it and put it between my chapped lips. I wasn’t much of a smoker before I met him, now it was something we enjoyed doing together. He lit the lighter and held it to the end of my cig. The warm orange glow reflected off his face which gave him softer features. I sucked in the hot heavy air and allowed the smoke to fill my lungs, promising myself this was to be the last time. I slowly let out the smoke and relief took over my body.

We both leaned against his car as it shifted under our weight. “You look cute.” He scanned my body and I blushed. “This is really it, huh?” He asked sheepishly after a long pause. I passed him the cigarette and let out a deep breath.

“I guess so.” I wasn’t really sure there was anything even left to say. He nodded as he rolled the cig around in his hands. I’d never seen him do this before. It was very rare for him not to hold it between his teeth.

He looked up at me “Can I ask you something?” He took a slow but deep hit after the words spilled out of his mouth. I nodded at him encouraging him to proceed. He exhaled a big cloud of smoke and slowly handed the cig back to me. “Do you think we will find each other again?” I saw sadness in his eyes. This was the first time I saw it, but I knew it had to have always been there.

“I think we will.” I wasn’t actually so sure. He was going away to college, and I was almost certain it wouldn’t take him much time to forget about me. I loved him very much, so it pained me when I came to this realization.

He looked into my eyes again, but this time didn’t look away. “I promise I will come back for you.” I blushed at the thought of this. I couldn’t help but imagine the day we would be reunited. He would have his bachelor’s degree and we would be ready to tackle the world together.

I finally took a small hit not wanting to smoke it too fast. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep T.” I could see the disappointment in his eyes. I know he expected me to return the hope, but I couldn’t keep lying to myself. We knew this day would come. He was going to leave me behind in the town we both used to call home and go out to the big world.

I handed him back the cigarette, and he held it in his hand again. We both knew that once it burnt out to nothing there wouldn’t be anything left to hold onto. This was it. The last goodbye.

“Why do you have to be like that? We have talked about this. I am going to go get my degree and then I am going to come back and take care of you.” I tried not to cringe at that statement because I knew he had well intentions. I wish I was still as delusional as him, though I couldn’t tell if he only did it for my sake.

“Four years? You think in four years you wouldn’t have found someone else? Or even wanted someone else?” I looked back into his eyes, “Tanner, I love you, but you have to be realistic.” I held the cigarette at this point. I took a deep inhale to try to fill my lungs. I felt so empty and vulnerable, I was eager to feel full again.

“I am being realistic. I just have a feeling. Things like this always have a way of working out.” He grabbed the cig and quickly took another hit. We both stood silent not sure what to say next.

He began to speak again as smoke poured through his lips. “Listen Haylee, I love you so much it consumes me. Just promise me you won’t forget me and have a little faith. I am going to come back for you. Four years is a long time but it’s nothing compared to a lifetime, which is what I want to spend with you.” I couldn’t help but smile at his remarks. I felt my guard slowly ease away. Maybe I had been too quick to let this all go. To pretend that he meant nothing to me and that the year we spent together was just something to do.

“You know what T…” the cig was now only a butt with a pill of ash falling off. “Maybe we can try to make this work? Maybe we can try long distance? I don’t know … I can come see you in Cali…” My words were abruptly cut off as the sound of screeching tires circled around us.

“Fuck.” Tanner whispered under his breath. He took one last wimpy hit then chucked the almost nothing cigarette butt onto the ground. His jaw line became more defined as the muscles in his face tightened.

Suddenly headlights blinded my vision. The car stopped right in front of us. The purring of the engine faded into nothingness. Everything was quiet, so much that I heard my own unsteady breath.

The car door swung open, and my stomach turned into knots. A black stiletto hit the pavement. “Baby bear, this doesn’t look like one of the boys.” She giggled. She stumbled unsteadily and grabbed onto Tanner’s arm. You could instantly smell the booze leaking from her pores.

She had a skintight dress on that left nothing to the imagination. Her lips were bright red and eyes a smokey grey. She smacked gum in between her teeth like her life depended on it. Her blond hairs swept across her imperfectionless face. I look up into Tanners eyes which tried their best not to meet mine.

The blond mop of hair broke the silence that had fallen onto us. “Baby who is this?” She scanned my body up and down. I was dying for another hit. Something to help me not feel so exposed.

He looked at her. “What are you doing here hun? I told you I needed you to let me say my last goodbyes. I thought you were out with Melissa?” He spoke in a hush tone and hoped by some miracle I didn’t hear.

“Yeahhh… but she got boring, and I wanted to see my baby.” The words stuttered out of her mouth. I wasn’t sure how she had even formed a proper sentence let alone drove.

Tanner gritted his teeth and let out a forced laugh. “How did you find me?”

“I tracked you silly.” She pointed at his phone. “Find my iphone, duhh.” She then looked at me again. She smiled and smacked her lips together.

I realized I was holding my breath. I looked at Tanner for answers. It looked as though he was trying to find them himself. I finally found the words to speak.

“Um, who is this?” I pointed at the barbie doll that hung from his arm.

“This is…” he started to speak but his words stumbled off. I could see so much thought behind his eyes.

Impatiently the intoxicated sorority girl spoke. “I’m his girlfriend silly. And you are?” My heart dropped. Hearing the confirmation of what I already suspected was just too much. How did he have a girlfriend? I know we just broke up but only because he had to leave.

“Um, I guess you could say I’m his ex-girlfriend.” I said to her. I felt all the confidence leave my body. How was I supposed to compete with that?

She let out a laugh “Ex-girlfriend?” She scanned my body again “As if. Baby cakes, who is this girl?” She looked into Tanners eyes “I know you don’t date dumpster trash.” The gum shot out of her mouth without her noticing. “Honey…” She looked into my eyes. It seemed as if sobriety had taken over her being. “We have been dating for a month and we are in love. He is going to college in Cali so we can be together. Now look at me and then look at you.” She snorted and scanned my body for a fourth time.

Dread and embarrassment washed over me. How could he have done this to me? An ounce of adrenaline ran through my veins. “a month?” I asked. I tried my best to ignore the nasty comments she threw my way. “We just broke up three days ago.” I shouted at him.

The blond hair piece and I look into Tanners eyes both trying to get some type of answer.

He looked at his supposed girlfriend. “Baby don’t be silly. This is my cousin. She is just playing a joke on you.” He leaned in and planted a kiss on her overly rosy cheeks. I felt rage course through my veins, but I couldn’t find the words to express it. He continued. “Why don’t you go wait in the car, and I will come meet you in a minute. Let me finish saying goodbye.”

I didn’t want to be alone with this man. He had become a stranger to me in just a blink of an eye. I didn’t want this evil barbie princess near me either but as long as her presence remained, I wasn’t the center of Tanner’s attention.

She rolled her eyes and then laughed. She looked at me and smiled “What a silly girl. You almost got me there.” She returned her attention to Tanner and gave him a sloppy kiss. “Come find me in the back seat of my car when you are done with this.” She winked and then strutted away as though she was on a runway stage.

Once she got back into her car Tanner looked into my eyes. I wanted to run away and go hide forever but the weight of my feet wouldn’t let me budge.

His voice was soft now. “Haylee I am so sorry about all this. I… I didn’t mean for it to play out this way. She is crazy.” He looked at me waiting for an answer. I had so many thoughts and questions running through my brain I didn’t know where to start.

The only words I could speak muttered out of my mouth. “Why?”

He took a deep sigh and looked over at the empty cigarette box. I knew he was looking for some type of escape, so was I. “I don’t really have an explanation. I met her at a party a couple months ago. I didn’t have the heart to tell you cause your birthday was the following weekend. I knew we were going to end eventually because I was going to leave for college. I decided to just wait it out.” He paused, “I didn’t want to hurt you. I still love you Haylee and I always will” He tried to reach out for my hand, but I stepped back.

I tried to hold back the tears that were begging to be released. “Fuck you.” I spitted out. I tried to sprint to my car, but he stepped in front of me and blocked my way. I used to always love how much taller he was then me. It used to make me feel safe and protected. Now it felt like a prison. Like I was trapped and didn’t have a way out. He wrapped his arms around me, forcing me into a hug. The sweet smell of his cologne washed over me. It used to bring me comfort, but now I felt hatred. I tried to push him off me, but his grip was too strong.

“It’s going to be okay.” He whispered to me.

I felt rage flood over my whole body. “Get the fuck off of me!” I screamed. He released his arms from around me and frowned.

“I’m sorry I just wanted to say goodbye to you. You don’t have to act crazy.” I couldn’t tell if he was cynical or just delusional.

“Goodbye forever.” I cried. I pushed him out of my way and got into my car. I tried to catch my breath, but the tears consumed me. I wondered if our whole relationship was a lie. Did he ever really love me? Was this all just some kind of joke?

A few minutes passed, and I was able to catch my breath. I knew I needed to get out of the parking lot. I started up my car engine. Suddenly I heard light tapping on my window. I saw acrylic red claws waving at me. I rolled down the window an inch just so I was able to hear her but not so she could reach me.

She leaned in very close. “Hey honey. Tan tan told me you were really upset about him leavin. I just wanna let ya know that you’re always welcome to come to my beach house in Cali. Daddy has a big house out there.” I could smell the tequila off her breath. I was convinced she had drunk way more since I saw her 5 minutes ago. I actually felt bad for this girl. How could someone be so clueless yet so full of themselves. “thanks” is all I said to her. I rolled up my window and drove away.

Tears ran down my cheeks for the next few days. I was so distraught about what conspired that night where we shared our last cigarette.

***

Later in my life I found it kind of funny how everything happened. How the whole ending of our relationship was just a silly metaphor. Once he got me on cigarettes, I was instantly addicted just like I was addicted to his perfect persona. We both tried to make it last as long as we could but eventually it burns out, it always burns out. I think I was still holding onto that last hit, but he had already bought a new box. It was just an endless addiction, and he had lost that battle. I can proudly say I did not.