Had She Known Then

It always happened as her birthday month loomed closer. Mbali would do a series of rewinds in her mind as she thought back to the years that had gone by. The thoughts were hardly ever reminiscent of any cumulative successes or achievements, but rather of failures she had encountered. The could haves, may haves and should haves all sang in unison for her. They sounded off tune. All of the things she could have grabbed hold of leapt out from within the darkest corner of her mind. The lights had gone off there a long time ago and the circuit seemed broken for good. She was the only one who could be able to restore it back to normalcy.

The demon that haunted her the most was that of her uncompleted University Degree. She had missed out on, or rather played with, her opportunity...the jury was still out on which of the two it was. All her other siblings had gone to different universities and had graduated with First Degrees, some Masters even. This was a double edged sword for Mbali. On one hand she was proud to celebrate her siblings' achievements, even brag a little about them. On the other hand these facts were a constant unsettling reminder to her that there was something common to the entire family that she was not a part of. This unsolved mystery was still the story of her life some 15 years later.

Growing up carefree and nonchalant, Mbali was a mix of all sorts of traits. Hardworking and serious, yet sometimes at the expense of more urgent matters. Compliant and obedient to her parents, even when the delegated tasks were overloading her. Outspoken and strong headed, unfortunately not in relevant issues at times. One could say that hers was basically a misplaced passion. It was to backfire against her when she agreed to work and learn at the same time. Mbali didn't know it then like she did now, but she was still immature. At least for the task that had been presented to her by her father.

Mbali's father was a staunch believer in working oneself upwards. The hard work and determination he had single handedly applied to his own life showed up through his achievements. Having put himself through school and made it into the top management of one of the biggest companies in the country, he knew his beloved daughter could do it too. As a matter of fact he insisted on it. Since she thought the world of him, it only made sense for her to enroll with a Distance Learning University whilst at the same time working at her dream company. The stage was set, nothing could go wrong.

Everything did. From settling for a course she didn't particularly like and a job she mistakenly believed she had been made for, this became a time bomb. An absolute recipe for disaster. This was a second choice course she took only because she didn't believe enough in herself to go for the big one. Outsiders had convinced her that it was something she couldn't achieve. She shouldn't have listed to them. Well, Mbali got admitted at the Distant University and registered for her modules, maximum 10 per year for the next 3 years or longer if she decided to move at a slower pace. Mbali was certain that she was going to be done with it in the minimum time. That's how ambitious she was..and still is.

Now let me mention that Mbali is African meaning she is also cultured to be submissive and respective to her parents (in Africa respect usually equates obedience). Household chores were her portion and she executed them without ever complaining. That left her with very little if any energy to study and progress with her schoolwork. Working her "dream job" meant irregular shifts and a constantly tired body. She should have complained, but her fear of disappointing her parents was greater than her desire to succeed. She thought she had it all under control. 

You see Mbali was actually a very bright student, in a lazy way. She was capable of sitting through a lecture and absorbing every word that made sense to her only to do one revision a day before an exam and ace it. With correspondence learning, the ballgame changed dramatically and she became her own tutor. She tried and failed, tried again and then quietly let go after completing only 3 modules in almost 2 years. She just wasn't mature enough.

15 years later, she still managed to somewhat climb the ladder through hard work and by using the Diploma she had obtained before attempting a degree. She was reasonably successful financially, even more than some of her degreed siblings. Yet still, the emptiness remained of not being like everyone else. Some 4 years before she had attempted to upgrade her Diploma to an Associate Degree but unfortunately she didn't pass that one. She did however another 2 years later manage to obtain an important certificate and license to use within her field. If there is anything this achievement taught her was that she had finally grown up, she had done it by herself, whilst working at the same time.

As Mbali sits in front of her laptop with her birthday 3 weeks away she half smiles. Mixed feelings are haboured within her as she tries to comprehend the fact that she is finally returning to University at an age of 35. This will be one of the best birthday presents she gives to herself. Sad because her father is no longer there to see her push through what he started. Exciting since she will live up to the dream. She is ready now. With a few clicks she renews her student membership from 15 years ago, as she registers for the degree she always wanted to do in the first place. Her first choice. This time there won't be any stopping her progress, she has grown up. She is mature enough.