Unspoken

Tormin’s eyes begged her for forgiveness, but his truth remained unspoken.

“I thought you said you were leaving?” Clara said.

Tormin’s face was grim and unflinching. The conversation had gone on for long enough and at any moment he would set foot out the door never to return.

“I am. I need some clarification before I go so this never happens again,” he explained.

Clara folded her arms with irritation and blurted out that there was nothing to clarify. A long, everlasting sigh escaped from Tormin’s lips, gently breaking the tension in the air. The wooden chair squeaked quietly as he rested his weary body on it.

“Clara, just for a moment, would you look at me like I still have a soul?” he pleaded, his shoulders heavy with emotion.

Clara stared at the floor, bitter tears welling in her eyes, “You’ve been disappearing like this so often without ever telling me where you go. How was I ever supposed to trust you?”

Tormin swallowed; pushing all his heartache to the back of his throat and forcing it down into the abyss of his stomach. The tears in Clara’s eyes welled and spilled over, lining her cheeks with a shiny residue of fear and torment. Suddenly, she became animated, waving her hands about and revealing more expression in her face than she ever had, “I thought we had something special. I know it sounds cliché but you always made me feel okay at the end of the day and I always felt so sure in your arms and now I just don’t even know who you are anymore!”

The words caressed Tormin just as well as they stabbed him through the midsection. Everything was falling apart and he was no longer strong enough to hold it together. The parts of his past crumbled and fell to the floor before him, carried by Clara’s broken trust.

“Fine. Don’t say anything,” She snapped, retreating back into a defensive form.

Pinching his eyes closed tightly, Tormin pondered the consequences of telling her the truth. It was heartbreaking to have to lose someone like her but if it meant she would be safe then surely it would be worth it.

“Clara, I want to tell you everything. It’s just better that you don’t know. And you going and disappearing on me like that was a horrible thing to do,” he said, with some strange hurt in his voice, “I thought something terrible had happened to you.”

Clara almost felt guilty, but she adamantly reminded him that he was the one always disappearing and she had every right to disappear just the one time. In words of heated anger and disappointment, she justified her behaviour and pointed out that he never considered her feelings when he would disappear repeatedly, “You hurt me a thousand times over. Do you think I only noticed you doing it this week? I’ve known for months.”

Tormin’s eyes begged her for forgiveness, but his truth remained unspoken.

“Why don’t you just tell me where you’ve been going? Is it that hard?”

“Yes.”

Once again becoming animated, Clara growled and slapped her hands onto her head, “Why? Why is it so hard?”

“I can’t tell you... I know I ask for too much when I ask you to just trust me, but I can’t tell you.”

“Then I can’t trust you. Just get out,” she said, firmly. Her voice was stern but deep within her was an urge to grab onto Tormin and never let him go. It was at these times of despair and vulnerability that she craved his embrace the most, yet now it was him causing her the pain and the confusion in her heart spiraled her down into a deeper misery.

“Clara. I wasn’t cheating on you.”

“Then tell me where you went.”

Her demands were met with silence. Tormin was stubborn, but he had never lied blatantly before. His reassurance was almost enough to win Clara back, but she knew she couldn’t handle not knowing where he kept disappearing to, even if he wasn’t cheating.

“I love you, Clara. I’d never do anything to hurt you – you know that.”

Cuddling herself with folded arms, she nodded slowly. Her pursed lips revealed how hard it was not to argue the point. Tormin stepped forward to try and comfort her but she backed away. The pain of resisting him forced more tears to stream down her face. It was painful enough to make Tormin tear up, but he knew it was for the best that he didn’t answer her.

“So, that’s it then,” Clara confirmed with the saddest voice. Tormin’s heart broke as the words reached his ears.

“I understand if you can’t live like this. I understand if you need that closure. I can’t give it to you,” he said, slipping his hands into his pockets.

“Why did you even start this?” Clara questioned, thinking about the entire course of their relationship.

Tormin bit his lip, “Because I fell in love with you and I hoped it wouldn’t matter.”

The answer brought so much pain to Clara that her entire face seemed to crease as she squeezed more tears out. Her gasps for air between sniffles was all they could hear for a moment. Tormin desperately wanted to hold her and comfort her as her body melted to the ground, but all he could do was watch and wait.

“I know you’ll be okay, Clara. It’ll take some time but you’ll be alright,” he said, with as much hopefulness as he could.

She looked up at him with dreary eyes, “Was I not worth the truth?”

A wave of guilt washed over Tormin, “You are worth the truth. You always have been.”

“Then why don’t you tell me?” she cried, sobbing uncontrollably on the floor, “How could you do this to me? Why?”

She stared up at him with the greatest anguish and frustration she had ever felt.

Tormin’s eyes begged her for forgiveness, but his truth remained unspoken.