The Girl in the Mirror

Margot was in jail.

Chrissy had called to let Jess and I know before Mrs. Miller called our parents. The only sound in the room was of the muted stares Jess and I exchanged and the whispers of wind in the California summer night sky. “Pack a bag and leave,” Chrissy urged, “It’s only a matter of time before they come after the rest of us.” As much as we didn’t want to believe it, she was right. Out of the four of us, Margot was the absolute worst person possible to be put under pressure. It was only a matter of time before she cracked the way she always did. We often questioned why we kept Margot as a friend when she was always the reason we got caught, but this time, we were done for good. Our parents were out of town on their 20th anniversary vacation, so we figured running away wouldn’t be too hard. It was only 15 miles to the Mexican border. We kept telling ourselves once we were in Mexico we’d be safe. Sometimes I wonder if we actually would have been safe in Mexico or if it was just an easy thought to distract our teenage minds from the truth. It took a total of 5 minutes and 27 seconds for Jess and I to throw whatever clothes we saw first, our passports, and wallets into 2 raggedy ripped up duffle bags we took on our annual family camping trips. We sprinted down the stairs and out the door only to be greeted by sirens, flashing lights, and our inevitable demise. Maybe if it had taken us 5 minutes and 15 seconds or maybe even 5 minutes and 20 seconds to get out the door of our suburban, basic, cul-de-sac house, maybe if we had ran a little faster or packed a little less, I’d be telling this story while staring at the clear blue skies of Mexico, and not the bland popcorn ceilings of the Ravenwood Reform Academy and Boarding School for Girls.

A deafening knock on the door of my dorm room accompanied the equally atrocious voice of our floor’s residential advisor. My favorite way to be woken up at six in the morning. “Breakfast in 30 ladies!” she howled from the hall. I yanked my itchy baby blue school mandated blanket over my head, as my preppy perfect roommate, aggressively threw open the drapes covering the window across from our bunk bed. It was like she was conspiring with the sun in efforts to purposely blind me. “Lets go Elise, you can’t be late again,” she pestered, clapping her tiny pale hands in my face. I often found myself having to make a conscious effort to avoid punching the pep out of her inhumanly high pitched voice. I finally decided to find my way out of bed with 5 minutes to spare before I was expected in the dining hall. My roommate, Ally, had long since left. I hurriedly pulled up my blue and green plaid skirt, wrinkled beyond repair and rushed out of the room while simultaneously attempting to tuck in my equally creased white button up shirt, as my matching tie dangled in between my teeth. I fumbled into the dining room as ungracefully as humanly possible and as usual I was greeted warmly with whispers and giggles.

 “Look at her hair.”

“Someone’s hung over.”

“Her poor parents.”

Even with identical clothes, I had never felt more different in a group of people. I paced quickly through the rows of miniature devils to find an empty seat. As I finally sat down, the girls around me stared intensely. “Can I help you,” I mocked at them. They quickly looked away. Maybe if I made an effort to fit in, they wouldn’t gawk at me like I was an alien, but fitting in meant accepting the sad fate this school bestowed upon its students. I had been at Ravenwood for over a year and I had never fit in. I never planned on fitting in.

After breakfast I went about my daily schedule. Academic classes followed by lunch and a short break followed by reform classes, dinner and then straight to bed unless you were awarded off campus privileges. Obviously, I had never been awarded off campus privileges. As I trudged through my academic classes I tried my hardest to avoid the sinking feeling engulfing my body. Something felt wrong. 

After lunch I began the worst part of my day. Walking across the courtyard from the dining hall to the dorms. The courtyard was what administration called a “free space” meaning there was little teacher surveillance. This allowed the giggles and whispers of the halls and dining room to turn into blaring laughter and shouting insults. I stared at the dark gray ominous sky. It matched my emotions as I pushed through the rude words. I stayed focused on the dorms. I was only feet away when I felt a strong tug on my backpack. Caught off guard, I fell to the ground with a large thump. Laughter surrounded me. “Look what the cat dragged out of the dumpster,” giggled a notorious voice. Callie Samson. Her bright blonde hair and clear skin glowed even in a day as bleak as this one. I shook off her words and began to pick myself up. Callie’s tormenting wasn’t anything new, but today was different because she didn’t let me go. Instead she laughed and kicked me back down. At this point she had attracted a decent sized circle of girls all laughing at how helpless I looked. It was at this moment that I realized how pathetically alone I was in such a large group. My eyes began to well up as I tried my hardest to bury my tears. “Aw she’s gonna cry,” Callie mocked. “You gonna cry Elise?” she pestered and kicked at me again. “Cry!” she yelled. The spit from her words was like a slap in the face. “Cry Elise! Cry” at this point she was kicking at me. “Cry!” she repeated over and over as she kept kicking harder and harder. Other girls joined in laughing. The rain began to fall and soon there was no difference between the pelting rain, tears, and blood.

I don’t remember when I blacked out. I awoke to yellowish overhead lights. The blanket covering me wasn’t as itchy as the one I usually slept with and I felt safe. I attempted to move the blanket and was met with a sharp pain coursing through my arm. I winced, catching the attention of a woman across the room. She turned to look at me. “Look who’s up.” Her smile was warm and comforting. It was as if she belonged anywhere except this school. “Luckily they didn’t get you too bad, just a broken arm and a slight concussion. I’ve seen much worse at this school,” she mumbled on as she quickly scribbled on her clipboard. “How long…” I began but the nurse quickly cut me off, “almost 24 hours, but you should be good to get back to your daily routine tomorrow.” “Can’t I just stay here,” I begged, but I knew the answer. The nurse laughed, “don’t worry, Callie’s been expelled.” Even though this was meant to make me feel better, it didn’t take away from my fear.

I was escorted back to my dorm a few hours after I awoke. Ally had never been quieter. She barely spoke and when she did it was to ask if I was ok or if I had taken my medications. I had never seen her be so kind. The next day Ally awoke me with her same high pitched voice, but it seemed kinder and quieter. She helped me get dressed through a blinding headache and for the first time my uniform wasn’t wrinkled and Ally neatly tied my tie around my shirt, which still remained untucked. I walked into the dining hall and was met with my daily stares and whispers, but no giggles. As I took my seat, the girls didn’t stare. Instead they did everything possible to avoid eye contact. No one mocked me as I walked to my classes and no one yelled insults when I crossed the courtyard. It was as if I had entered an alternate dimension.

Days turned into weeks turned into months. Ally ironed my uniform every night with hers and helped my tie my tie every morning. I started walking with her to classes and soon her friends began to throw me slight smiles when I passed them in the halls. The girls in the dining hall stopped staring at breakfast and no one paid any attention when I walked across the courtyard. When I finally got my cast off I started tucking in my white collared shirt and Ally taught me how to tie my tie on my own. Some mornings I wouldn’t even recognize the girl in the mirror staring back at me. What had I become? 

Finally the harsh winter mornings turned into cool spring sunrise wake up calls. I awoke to an early sunrise on a particularly warm April morning. “Good morning!” Allie’s calming voice greeted me from the opposite side of the room. I smiled and repeated the greeting. I began getting dressed as usual when our residential advisor’s kind voice reminded us of breakfast in 30 minutes. I quickly tucked my crisp white button down into my freshly ironed plaid skirt and fastened my tie around my neck. I brushed out my hair and didn’t look in the mirror once. I wasn’t sure why, but I felt I’d scare myself if I saw the girl staring back at me. As I approached the door Ally handed me my backpack and we began our walk to the dining hall with 15 minutes to spare.

The dining hall was particularly chatty today, as Ally and I took our seats with our friends. They all smiled and greeted us before we unloaded the morning gossip. “Did you hear, there's a new girl starting today. She got here last night!” Ally exclaimed. Just then the chatter began to turn into whispers and giggles as a small girl fumbled into the dining hall. I couldn’t help but laugh. Her uniform was wrinkled, her shirt untucked, her tie untied. She looked like the definition of a mess. “How unfortunate,” I giggled to my friends. The girl made her way to our table and sat down. We stared at her intensely looking her up and down. Before we could decode the new girl our principal called our attention to the front of the dining hall. “Ladies! I’m sure you've noticed we have a new student today.” Ally and I exchanged glances. Our principal looked at the girl. “Sweetie if you could please come up and introduce yourself.” The poor girl limped to the front of the room and looked out at the crowd. “Hi” she stuttered nervously.

“My name’s Margot.”