Work

Work first, play later.   That’s my life motto.   Work.   My main job as a husband and a father is to bring in the dough.   Pay the bills.   I’m a lawyer and my clients can call me twenty-four seven.   Forget what kind of attorney I am, my clients come first.   If I’m with my kid and we’re at Chuck E Cheese’s and everyone’s having fun, we’re all singing happy birthday and the fucking phone rings I politely excuse myself and help my clients with whatever the fuck they need.  It’s a stable job.   I work for a firm and am ethical.  I get a devil’s haircut ‘cause that’s what the clients want.   My suits are always cleaned and dry cleaned and look like new and I wear the suits all the time, even in bed, except when me and my wife are, well, you know.    But, I get back to my clients right after, even if she tells me she wants to cuddle.   We have a house, a bed, cars, insurance, all this shit ‘cause the firm values me.   I got a perfect score on the LSATs, straight A’s in school, played sports and we won.   Well, worked sports, not played sports.  But, I have IRAs and Roth IRAs, and overseas accounts.  Me and my family are safe.  Hell, we got smoke alarms, monoxide alarms, we even got dogs, to protect this place.  

       I’m the bread winner of my family.   See?   I’m a good dad.   I help my kids with their homework, cook, clean, give my kids chores, pay the bills.   But, the kids do things like ask if I wanna play Shoots and Ladders.   Waste of time, but it’s my duty as a Dad.  Work, work, work.  

       My wife works too, but as I just said, I’m the bread winner.   She’s an accountant.  In others words she deals with customers all day, too.   Kids go to Pre-K, it works.  

     But, sometimes my wife wants to talk or my kids want to talk and I’m doing things like studying for the next board exam, reading new House Bills, etc.   Things, always things.   We watch CSPAN over dinner.  You know; Cable Satellite Public Affairs Network.  Gotta know about the new bills on the floor.  Kids can watch cartoons after dinner.  

     I cook them nutritious foods like cabbage soup, biscotti, wheat bread, asparagus, jalapeños, grape fruit juice, water.   That way they’ll like this food later in life and no birthday parties with cake.   Nop.  Healthy foods.  

    I’m helping them read, along with my wife and no fairy tales.  Every morning before pre-school and my work I read them the Wall Street Journal and they love it.   Well, they look confused sometimes, but they’ll grow into it.  And my wife and I talk about it over the meals.  Economics and grape fruit juice. Meals of champions.  

     What do I do in my free time?   What do I do for fun?   I told you already.   I fuck my wife and I sleep, unless the fucking phone rings or the kids have a nightmare.  How long you been a therapist?  

    Well, as a kid, I worked hard, hell, I never got a B in school.  Straight A’s.   In my spare time I got a library card and started reading every book.  Started in one corner of the library and worked book by book ‘til I was finished.   That is, until I discovered ILLs.   Then, the world was at my fingertips.   My favorite book?    That’s a tough one.  Hmm, I’d have to say, “Robert’s Rules of Order,” can’t recall the author’s name.   Why’d you decide to become a shrink?   Makes sense.   What do I want to accomplish?   I just need someone I can bitch to for an hour every other week.  

      I started learning Spanish when I was five.  Then, I knew I could sell myself better.   Oh, yeah.  Always knew I wanted to be an attorney.   After watching Philadelphia at age 2.   Took calculus in middle school.  Got an A in that too.   Took all AP courses in high school. All A’s.   Even took courses at the community college at night, just to keep my mind active.   Then, graduated in two years suma comlada.  Became a member of MENSA and went to law school.  

     Learned about debating.  Sales.  How to lead a witness toward what you want them to say without the objection of leading the witness.   Basically how to win arguments.  It’s not what you know, it’s who you know.   Right?   Everything to everyone all the time.  Well, at least God can’t accuse me of sloth.  

     We go on vacations, but I’m always on call.  Always.   Hell, I’m a shrink, a father, a husband, an uncle, a lawyer.  What aren’t I?   But I . . . Say no to things . . . But everybody needs me and my job has me on call . . . PTO?   At my job?   In my dreams.  

    Ask my boss?   He’d laugh his head off.   Well, yeah, I have assistants working under me but . . . Then they’d be calling me about all the shit they don’t know.  My boss.  Call my boss, then why would he need me?   Better with rest?   You can say that again.  

    Yea, we’re unionized, but that’s only if we’re fired.   But . . . the union representative would be laughing their asses off.  Well, yeah I pay my union dues, but . . Well, I guess it’s worth a shot, maybe.   They can’t fire me for asking questions, can they?   But, I gotta think if my wife and kids.  I could get a promotion if I stick with it or a raise or something.   No, I haven’t asked, but . . . 

      I thought your job was to just listen.  The insurance companies. . . but what do they have to do with anything?   Yeah, the insurance is paying for my visit, but that’s why I pay them.   What?   They don’t care about me, just about me getting better in the least amount of time?   But that doesn’t make any. . .   Yeah, I charge by the hour too, but.   Son-of-a-bitch.   Who can I go to to get help with my problems then?   Friends and family?   No, they just want free legal advice from me and don’t listen.  Goddamn it.  I need someone to listen.  Tell the insurance company I’ll sue their sorry asses if they don’t give me reasonable psyche care.  Yeah, I know it’s not my area of expertise, but I know people.   Talk to them?   They hear but they don’t listen.   Like you really listen to me.  Teach them how?   Why?   You already know how and that’s why I want to talk to you.   Remember how it was when I was young?   Pay the shrink to listen to your problems.  Now, everyone just drugs you up.