Christmas Lights

Christmas, somewhere in the attic, a boy, 10 years old, is looking for more ways to be invisible. The snow from the windows feel like the perfect camouflage, and he was gone. He does not want to see the lights dance while his parents drown the carols with words he’d yet learn to embrace as he grows. In one of the boxes, labeled R, he found a red and green notebook, almost too perfect. It houses drawings that looked like his, and the words “Top Secret” in the cover. The only two words that could grasp his attention for secrets were treasured gold for little Nick, and he read on.

7 years old|

November 5 1998

Diary,

I played with Mason today. By the way, he’s Ginny’s dog. He’s big enuf to be a lion! Mom won’t let me have a dog. She Wait. There’s something outside my window. Could be a cage. But cage for what?? I bet it’s a lion! Wait. I’ll check and give you an update. 

UPDATE: Mom said lights out. I’ll go tomorrow.

Goodnight.

23 years old|

April 12, 2005

Good morning. I woke up early again. I’ve been doing that a lot now. I miss Mom. If she were here she’d know what to do, wouldn’t she? I have a new apartment, a girlfriend of 4 years, and a decent job. Seems like I’m getting my sh*t together but why do I feel like I’m more lost than ever? I don’t know why I even write anymore. The sun’s not up yet. I could barely see the lines from the pages yet I can’t bring myself to turn the lights on. I’m writing from my balcony, and tiny raindrops are still trickling down my roof, to my sorry-ass plant, and all street lights seem hazy. Rose’s just tolerating me at this point, I know. She’s too nice to leave me like this. Lucky me. My job... I’m resigning in a few weeks. Rose doesn’t know it’s the most toxic workplace, she’d just think I’m making excuses, but she’ll try to understand. She always does, and it’s heartbreaking. So, looking forward to that. Psh. I wish she could be happy. I do wish it could be with me, still. I miss the way she comes home and asks me “guess what food I ate today” and it’s always fun — like a raspberry sandwich with bacon, or a pizza with sugared crust, and we’d laugh, but now, it’s just silence, and a weak smile. I am so stumped. I can’t understand how my mind works sometimes. Maybe god, if there is one, messed up with me, huh? Maybe.

Morning.

24 years old|

June 4, 2006

I bought flowers for Rose. Sorry looking things, really. It’s just as much as I can afford, but I did try to look for the prettiest one. It is her anniversary after all. One year, and I still can’t believe it. I asked her to talk to me in any way, but still, nothing. What am I expecting, though? I’m writing this now, with all the christmas lights turned off in the middle of the woods. Haven’t been here a while. Maybe that’s what happens when you grow old, we forget. So here’s to you buddy. Here’s to us.

Good night.

12 years old|

UNDATED

My second in command and I decided to dress up like dorks for school today. I think it’d be fun. We really played the part, but I don’t know. I think everyone was too busy. Nobody seemed to notice. Kinda sad, we made a ton of effort.

Goodnight.

82 years old|

UNDATED

Dear Diary,

I’m sorry. The dates blur now. It is wednesday, I’m quite sure of that though. It’s cold too so it may be autumn. I can’t quite write fast enough.

The sun is halfway gone now. My legs don’t work right. I guess that’s what happens when you’ve walked too many steps already. Tina was nice enough to push me out here on my wheelchair. She’s on her phone now, kids these days. Sometimes I wish I had kids of my own — someone I could call Junior, but I guess this lactose intolerance, and asthma ends with me, aye? He-he.

Sometimes I daydream that there’s a kid somewhere who’s gonna stumble upon this thing in the middle of the woods, sometimes I wish it would be my kid, like a king passing on a throne. The best I could wish for now is that a kid a somewhere would stumble upon this little thing in the middle of the woods, and notice the intials R-R. I do I hope they’d know what to do with the christmas lights.

Night.

7 years old|

November 6, 1998

Dear Diary,

I found the most coolest placeever! The cage out my window? It’s not a cage. It’s a abandond (Jeff said) carusel. Abamdond means like, it’s from the old days like time of the pirates and stuff, and they just left it here. Cool. I called Rose too. She wanted to make it a fort. I said I wanted to make it our treehouse where we draw and stuff but instead of a tree, it’s this cool thing with paintings. She really wants to make it a fort so I just said okay, but we’ll draw there and bring pillows anyway. Jeff brought tools. He helped us fix it. Jeff’s funny. He thinks he’s a grownup, but he’s just like us but taller, and with more hair in his armpits. I think most grown ups are like that, don’t you think? Just kids with bigger clothes and a bunch of papers with a different name, takses taxes. Anyways, It didn’t turn around again but we made it look cool. We painted “R-R FORT at the front. We put this like huge blanket around that smelled funny. Rose said that’s best cause it helps keep the lions and bears away! Wouldn’t want that. I cut some windows at the side. Rose said I’m her second command, you know, the sidekick in fort-talk. I said I didn’t want to be. If anyone’s gonna be a second command, that’d be her. I found the carusel! Tomorrow we’re gonna buy some christmas lights so it never gets dark there. Wish you could see it, Diary! Anyway, I wish it’s tomorrow already!

PS

So we made some rules today.

YELLOW LIGHTS: no danger

RED LIGHTS: waging war

COLORFUL LIGHTS: party/celebration

NO LIGHTS: empty fort

That’s about it. I think it’s stupid but it makes her happy, so okay.

GOODNIGHT!