Fear

There are several things people are scared about.

Some are afraid of spiders, some others by clowns. There is people who is afraid of the heights or about getting on a plane. And there is even people who is afraid of loving.

In summary, fear comes in many forms and it depends on each one of us.

I, for example, am afraid of the unknown.

Not knowing is one of the worst feelings ever. But, does it even make sense? My fear? Since there are lots of things I do not know, and lots of things I am not sure if I am right about.

I don’t even think that makes sense, but I am sure about something.

I am afraid of the people I don’t know.

Because you cannot tell what their intentions are, or what they’re thinking about.

Which leads me to another thing: I don’t know either what the ones I know are thinking about.

That is why I don’t trust people and that is why I don’t have any friends.

Going outside is kind of rough to me. I go out once in a while just for groceries and a thing or two that I might need. After all, I work from home so going outside isn’t really necessary. That way I get away from people.

Enough about me.

Do you want to know why I’m saying all of this?

Do you really want to know?

I am telling you then.

There is someone outside.

Someone who has been around for the past days.

I’m not sure who that is. I haven’t ordered anything, and even if I did, they should’ve ring the bell.

As far as I know, it’s been three days.

But what do I know?

Oh, y’know what else happened three days ago?

I went to the supermarket.

I was buying groceries for a week or two. Everything as usual. Until I arrived to the cashier. She was something else. Something I couldn’t understand.

I wondered what was she thinking about when she offered me gum from her pocket, or when she asked me if I was willing to take another juice box since they were on a promo, or when she smiled at me when I delivered her the money to pay.

She was… shiny.

But that’s exactly what’s odd about it. I mean, one usually goes to the cashier, expect them to pass on all of your products and then tell you how much you owe them. That’s it. End of the short conversation.

Somehow, she was different.

How is that relevant anyway?

Someone is outside.

Someone who appeared at the same time she did.

Perhaps, they were her friend? Or was it her?

Oh, c’mon, why would a nice cashier look for my address after I answered any of her questions and offers? That, that would be weird.

But the someone outside appeared at the time I came back home. Maybe they want something from me. Maybe they are not even here for me. Or, maybe, they are not even there.

If they’re not even there, if there’s nothing or no one outside, what have I been seeing? And why?

I decide it’s better to find out by myself. No one is going to help me anyway. And even if they were, they would never understand.

I open the door gently, little by little on a slow movement. And I move a couple of steps forward. I look one way and then the other. I even look up.

No one is there.

“If this is a joke, it is not funny”, I struggle to say, on a cracked voice, “Whoever is doing this, please leave me alone”.

“You have been alone for too long”, I hear.

I cannot identify where’s the voice coming from. I look everywhere. Even inside the house.

I probably went nuts already.

“That is correct”, I hear again.

“What is correct?”

“That you have gone nuts”.

Why is that voice listening to what I’m thinking about?

And why am I answering? I wonder.

“Because you have nothing better to do”.

“I am a very busy person”, I say a little bit louder.

“Haven’t you ever thought about… how you closed so much to people because you couldn’t know what they were thinking about?”.

“I didn’t do such thing. I never had anyone to begin with”.

Why do I answer?

“Because you know I am right”.

And from one moment to another, I miss the person who was standing outside. I miss feeling stalked from them, because at least they were outside. Now, I am being attacked from my inside.

“I wouldn’t call it an attack, but whatever”.

I close back the door. Hoping the voice disappears when I do.

Hello?

And it seems to work.

I am finally alone in my head again.

But when I look through the window, I can see the silhouette standing outside again. They are wearing a long black coat; I can’t even distinguish how their hair looks like or any facial characteristics; and I wonder why I asked for them to come back.

I don’t know any more what is worse.

All I know is I want it to come to an end.

Is this because of what I am afraid of?

Now knowing people is an absurd fear?

“Yes, it is”, I say out loud without intention. “What was that?”.

I look at my hands and touch my face with them. That sounded like the voice but it wasn’t the voice. It was me.

As fast as I can, I go back to the kitchen, where the window is, and look outside once again. The silhouette turns at me and I try to see their face.

I can recognize that.

The color of their eyes, and the shape of their hair; the way they smile and the glasses they’re wearing; even the clothes under that coat.

“That is me”.

As soon as I say those words, the silhouette waves at me and then disappears without trace.

“Is this because of the cashier?”.

“Yes, it is”, I can hear the voice again. “Just because someone is kind it doesn’t mean they have other intentions. And even if they do, you can’t do anything about it. Do you understand that?”.

I don’t.

But what have I understood from the beginning?

Isn’t that what I’m afraid of?

The only thing I know is,

I can’t be scared forever.