To the man I love

I attempt to forget, as I am tempted to remember.

To remember your face and recall its features, the way you looked and looked at me. Deep in my soul that stare of hatred crawled beside my heart and out of it took a bite so big – a chunk – left me a daze.  

“Stop!” I screamed “Wait” I pleaded.  But beggar non, me not enough for sure, to stop you that day from leaving.

“Sorry,” I said “I am so sorry” over and over. Pinching your ears like a gramophone’s broken needle, stuck on an endless cycle of repeat, but the damage was not to be undone. The damage I did that day to me and you. To us. How I hated myself you can’t even begin to imagine – or maybe you can. But I guess now you refuse to –

I can’t stop to wonder, what alcohol enough have you been drinking. I, myself forgot and tried to find a new one. Let me tell you, he wasn’t to be found at the bottom of my bottle. Jinn. Your favorite as I remember. I remember more and more stuff about you lying here as I do on this floor. It’s filthy and I hate it. Probably not as much as you are hating me. Oh well! If you can’t accept a little tiny mistake, maybe I am the one who deserves better. Maybe, YES! I do deserve better. Better and brighter than you. Better because things like that happen to everyone sometimes, and other people are quick to understand. To forgive. To forget. And no one is perfect! Why am I the one to be judged for what society taught me to do? For the way God made me curious and easy. And what about you?

How the hell could you not see this coming? As I laid next to you in bed day after day and the day after that. My eyes locked away from you, far. Over a screen they laid their interest. Over a screen warm as the fingers touch, cold more than my subconscious, as I scrolled though messages for hours after and before you closed your eyes. How on earth could you not see this coming? “He’s a friend” you told me “a good one. We've known each other for years plenty now. We were kids when I first met him at that party. Friend of a friend - Of another friend - Later I was feeling down one day, and we went out for a couple of drinks. He lifted me up then, never let me down” you said.

Too bad now. What a stupid irony our lives have become. His and mine and yours. Pieces and bits too hard to put back together and hard as that may be, you made it even harder. Half the puzzle you kicked on your way out of that room. Half the puzzle lost and scattered across the flour. Under the table pieces went. Fuck! How can I ever find them? I called you last night again. I tried to reach out like you always wanted me to do every time you left and left me behind to go to your stupid business trips. Fuck now! You must be thinking men marching in and out of our apartment to taste my lips and feel my taste. And I swear to you I never did any of that. I never tried any of what thought disturbing might be on your mind. It was an accident, a fucking accident you know. Like those that happen from time to time but I’ve changed. Damn it I promise! But then I look up and realize again I’m talking to my mirror. I wash away the liquid fog with my hand. Trails of glass reveal a face of mine I don’t recognize anymore. A face that feels like my mother’s did when she was lonely. When my father did the neighbors wife. Oh please, I beg of you, please pick up the phone. Don’t let me be like that. Don’t let me feel the way you promised I would never when I told you that story from my past.

Why should I even feel that way? Why must you have the upper hand? I want to talk, like humans do. Like we use to. That’s not too much to ask for. No! That’s the least you could do after promising your love to me over and over and the time after that. On dinners and occasions. My birthday and yours. Valentine’s and Christmas and with me you figured out the details of our lives one by one and down we wrote them on papers we stuck on the fridge and the wall and all over the hall. Because we built this life together. This life isn’t yours now to throw it all away. Days I’m looking for you. Days I want to talk... No! I want YOU to talk, I want to hear your voice. And if what you want is a fight then be a man, come here and get it. Break down that door and shout and scream and hit me. I deserve it. Call me your love, call me a whore – Your choice. Come sir and give to get what your soul desires – But Please come over and back into my life. Love like mine elsewhere I promise you won’t find. Trust me when I tell you. Trust me. Trust me? Why would you ever trust me?

It is my promise true. But that promise I gave you before. Didn’t I? Oh my god, I did. Promise to you, to love you, and promise to me, to give more than I get. Promise and there another promise I didn’t keep. Did I? Oh, my lord, I didn’t. That’s why you stay away. That’s why you hate and hate me. My gosh what have I done. How could I ever be so stupid? So stupid to betray the man who trusted me with every bit of his heart and break us apart. It was me. Me who broke the puzzle. Me who kicked the pieces to come astray and maybe now I am the one who chooses not to find them. I m looking for them in the dark and light yet I haven’t found to assist me. Maybe because I know It’s all my fault and you are the one who’s right. Right to stay away from me. Go far, go wide. You are right to hate me and believe no more in the words I wanna say. Words you didn’t have to hear and if you ever did you would not believe of them any. Damn, what have I done? I wonder and I cry.

It’s been hours now I'm weeping. On the filthy floor I lay alone, my arms around my body tied to keep inside the last of my love. The one you use to offer and now to myself I have to remind how to give again. I try but I’m failing. I’m failing to love you and love me. I’m failing to be human whole again and then I cry and scream. I drink pretending to be Struble. An ocean blue of sadness slowly I’m drinking. Drowning day by day in the pools of my own regret. Morning comes around as I’m going under.  Thoughts of you plunder my emotions. Thoughts of us, ships around me, carried away they are by waves and I’m drowning. I pull out my lighter and to my lats cigar, I sing. The smoke fills me up and now heavy from alcohol I lay there as the shadows of steel surround me. “Carry me away. Carry me” the lullaby of moonlight I murmur as my eyelids shut down.

Moments later and I hear the screams. They echo in the background of my room’s own smoke. Eyes I open wide and something blinds me. Like acid bitter and stiff. I cough and cough and rub my eyes, but the tears keep coming down as I’m breathing in a sea of fumes and my life ebbs away, carrying the precious oxygen in the back seat of its car. I look around and my cigarette – where is it? – No longer where I had it. The cigarette!  Soon I realize and I begin to scream like the others.

I shout! “HELP! Help me, I’m here” and down the stairs, I listen to the people running. A stampede of human flesh aching and begging to escape. Down the stairs and out on the street they go. I panic and stand. Alcohol bruises my perception as the up comes down. A step I take, tumble follows and soon my chest meets the floor. The filthy floor. Here I lie in the grave of my own house and my eyes are shining, shimmers red of the flames behind me. “Shit” I’m only able to say before the cough takes over. And then from within the flames, I see you. A silhouette familiar opens the door like you did that night and caught me with your friend doing what we shouldn’t on the couch of our own home.

Closer you come to me and closer as I wait. “Where are you?” a voice familiar rings into my ears. “Down...” and I cough “...you see me? Down here” You grab and pull and soon I’m on your back holding tight like you command me. “Thank you” I whisper, and you run towards the others. Thank you now and I thank you to this day. The day we were finally back together, and you explained to me how much you loved me. How much you cared to come in and save me because outside my house you’ve been waiting for days feeling lost without me. Oh, lord how lucky am I. How lucky to hold the man I love again between my arms. I swear with you my love I wanna be forever. I swear this time it’s true and as we kiss my heart burns hotter than the flames above. That’s what I tell you.  

“And that’s what you told him?” “Of course. And I meant it” “Oh, really? So you did” the man could not resist to laugh and smirk “Then why are you here tonight and not with him like you promised?” Quickly the woman rolled her eyes “Don’t be silly, you fool. He’s out of town for now and if he comes back again by accident... this time he won’t see me do what I shouldn’t”

“You shouldn’t?” the man pulled down her blouse. “I shouldn’t” she repeated. “Then why do it?” he insisted and this time the woman pinned him down before she climbed up his body and laid rest her inner thigh on the firm bulge between his legs, space getting tighter. “I do it” she explained “I do it because I love him and I love you the same. So much so that choice I can’t make between you. The only difference, you accept that when he can’t and so he doesn’t” “So...” said the man “What does that make me?” The woman thought about this one before she gave an answer. “It makes you a good man,” she told him “...but a very bad friend”.  “Really?” he mumbled and playfully slapped her derriere “I thought friends were supposed to share” he pulled her close and squeezed.  

“Of course. Why wouldn’t you?” she played her bitter card, but the man didn’t care anymore -or any less for that matter- He was already inside her. Inside the woman he truly loved.