Egan's Creek Simulator

CONTENT WARNING FOR HOMOPHOBIA

[ Play the game here —> https://jaythefirst.itch.io/egans-creek-simulator ]

Rosie’s Diner and Bakery is world-famous for their cakes, shakes, and being the restaurant where Harry and Giselle broke up during the season finale of Project A-List, a trivia tidbit that places your otherwise unremarkable Midwest hometown on a smattering of road trip maps.

Your father liked to joke that nobody drives to Egan’s Creek, only through Egan’s Creek. And he’s right, which is why you only agreed to stop here since you’re headed out east anyways.

As you pull up outside the brightly-colored diner, you keep double-checking your phone just in case Mom cancels. Then you could shrug to Ciara and say, “Maybe next year,” and you could all go on pretending like you don’t have parents.

Your mouth is dry by the time Ciara pulls the car to a stop.

Ciara

“Last chance. You can still ditch. Or have me come with you.”

She meets your gaze without pity or judgment.

You try on your old Egan’s Creek smile and find that it no longer quite fits.

You

“I’ll be fine.”

You wince as the words come out too cheerful, like the smiling cow on the Rosie’s sign.

Ciara leans forward to squeeze your hand and kiss you.

Ciara

“Just remember—you’re strong, you’re tough, and nothing she says can change that.”

You nod and pull your jacket tighter. It’s leather, which you would normally never have the confidence to pull off. But this one is Ciara’s and smells like her perfume.

You like to think it lends you strength, like a token or a good luck charm.

When you exit the car, Ciara gives you a thumbs up. You smile back before turning to face the diner.

The moment you step inside, the familiar scents of fries and vanilla ice cream wash over you in a wave of nostalgia. From the murmur of conversation and the hurried steps of the wait staff, Rosie’s is doing brisk business today.

You hold the door open for an elderly couple as you scan the diner for your mother. You spot her sitting at a two-top, reading a newspaper as she sips a mug of tea.

Like most things in Egan’s Creek, Mom hasn’t changed a bit. Her long hair is still dyed blonde, still styled in an elegant twist at the back of her head. One of her lavender acrylic nails taps against her mug to the beat of the faint music playing overhead.

She’s wearing the necklace you gave her for Christmas seven years ago.

Smoothing the front of your jacket, you exhale and approach her table.

Mom looks up from her paper and a broad smile stretches across her face. Her white, even teeth flash in the fluorescent lights overhead as she stands and throws her arms out.

Mom

“Penny! You came!”

[ Accept the hug—>ONE ] [ Dodge the hug—>TWO ]

*

ONE

Her arms wrap around you. It feels like she’s pinning you in place. You awkwardly loop your arms around her and give a little squeeze back.

You

“Hey, Mom.”

She releases you, beaming, and takes a seat again, gesturing for you to do the same. You sink down onto the red vinyl cushion, grateful for the stability.

Mom

“So!”

She flattens her hands on the tabletop, leaning forward slightly.

[ Go to—>THREE ]

*

TWO

Though you feel a twinge of guilt, you dodge her hug. Her arms fall to her sides and she doesn’t try to hide her hurt expression.

You

“Hey, Mom.”

She salvages a smile and takes a seat again, gesturing for you to do the same. You sink down onto the red vinyl cushion, grateful for the stability.

Mom

“So....”

Her hands toy with her mug of tea.

[ Go to—>THREE ]

*

THREE

Mom

“How’s school?”

You

“Fine.”

You keep your hands in your lap, where she can’t see your fingers fidgeting.

Mom

“Passing all your classes?”

You

“Yeah...”

You

“Calc is hard, though.”

Mom

“Have you made any more friends? I know last time you said something about, oh, what was her name? Kyra?”

You

“Ciara.”

Your hands clench before you deliberately relax them.

Mom

“That’s the one. Is she—”

The hassled-looking waitress stops at your table just then, and you give a mental sigh of relief. Mom orders a house salad. You opt for a vanilla malt and some fries.

As the waitress scurries away again, you quickly take hold of the conversation.

You

“Still with that book club?”

You continue to make tentative conversation for the next few minutes. Things seem to be going well...time to wade a little deeper.

[ Ask about your father—>FOUR ] [ Ask about your brother—>FIVE ]

*

FOUR

You

“How’s Dad?”

You swear a cloud passes over the sun outside. Mom’s face becomes more heavily lined as she frowns, showing off the all the age she’s tried to wipe away with face masks and hydrating creams.

Maybe she has changed a little, you think. Maybe her outer face has gotten younger while this secret inner face has gotten older.

Mom

“Penny, your father is still very upset about the things you said when you moved out. You really hurt him, you know. It’s painful for him to even look at photos of you!”

You have a sudden flash of clarity in your mind’s eye, where you can see an almost psychic vision of what they’ve done to the house.

Your room remodeled into a guest bedroom—or storage space for Henry—and all the family pictures carefully cropped.

“A daughter?” they’ll say when the neighbors ask. “We never had a daughter. Just Henry.”

Your eyes and nose feel all staticky and you know you’re tearing up. Mom watches you with her face perfectly arranged in just the right mix of sadness and sympathy.

Mom

“I know it’s hard, hun. Fighting with your family always is. But I was hoping, now that you’ve both had time to cool off, we could go back to how things were.”

How things were.

You used to have that cookie-cutter, Egan’s Creek life, complete with backyard barbecues and once-a-year vacations to somewhere fun and touristy. But it isn’t Dad’s singed burgers or hiking in the Smoky Mountains that you miss, it’s the little stuff.

Like the way your dad would call you Penny-bear when he wanted you to know you were loved. Or the way you and Henry used to have long conversations into the night, whispering in the dark. Or the way Mom would brush your hair while you watched old movies together, making sure each curl was gently untangled.

Your chest feels too small, like your heart might beat so hard that it breaks your ribs.

You sniffle, and Mom passes you a napkin.

Mom

“We could go home, if you wanted.”

You almost start bawling right there. You want to. You want to so badly that you think you could die from it. But you hesitate.

You still remember the day you left for college. The day you told your parents The Secret, in hopes that it would alleviate the immense shame that had been crushing you since Jenna Atkinson kissed you on the cheek in eighth grade.

You had hoped for clarity. You knew they would take your side, just like they always did.

Memory of Dad

“I didn’t raise my daughter to be a fucking ****!!”

The word still sits in your mind like a shard of glass, cutting you up every time you try to pull it free.

You used to hear that word whispered in the halls at school, following the girls with no boyfriend. Never once did you imagine your own father would scream it in your face.

You screamed back, of course. This raw bundle of nerves and nausea, you yelled that if he couldn’t love you now, he never truly did. You slammed your new dorm door in your parents’ faces, and you’ve barely spoken with them in the year since.

Maybe you overreacted. The Secret was a shocking departure from the good little girl you’ve always been, and people make rash decisions when confronted with upsetting surprises.

[ “I need to apologize.”—>SIX ] [ “Dad needs to apologize.”—>SEVEN ]

*

FIVE

You

“How’s Henry?”

Your mother brightens.

Mom

“Oh, he’s doing very well in his junior year. His grades are the same as ever, but he made quarterback on the high school football team. And he has a girlfriend, though he thinks we don’t know about her.”

Your heart already hurts, even before she leans closer with a conspiratorial smile.

Mom

“Speaking of which, are there any special boys I should know about?”

You think of Ciara, waiting out in the parking lot. You think of tumbled sheets and tangled legs and the way her chapstick makes your lips tingle.

And you think, also, of the last words you exchanged with your father.

Memory of Dad

“I didn’t raise my daughter to be a fucking ****!!”

The word still sits in your mind like a shard of glass, cutting you up every time you try to pull it free.

You used to hear that word whispered in the halls at school, following the girls with no boyfriend. Never once did you imagine your own father would scream it in your face.

You screamed back, of course. This raw bundle of nerves and nausea, you yelled that if he couldn’t love you now, he never truly did. You slammed your new dorm door in your parents’ faces, and you’ve barely spoken with them in the year since.

You

“Mom...”

[ “I’m dating a girl.”—> EIGHT ] [ “No boys yet, no...”—>NINE ]

*

SIX

Mom beams at you. So full of pride.

Mom

“I was hoping you’d come around. Your father has been dying for a chance to talk things out with you.”

Really...? It’s Mom who was always calling you. You’ve heard nothing but silence from Dad.

Maybe he’s only just now softened to the idea. Or maybe he wanted you to apologize first.

You

“I’ll be in town tonight and a little of tomorrow...maybe he and I could meet up, too.”

Mom

“I’ll let him know.”

She leans across the table to touch your arm, and you don’t pull away.

Mom

“This will all work out, Penny. We’re family. That means we’ll always love each other, no matter what.”

You smile, just a little. What Dad said still hurts, but maybe you can all move past that.

Mom

“So...have any boys caught your interest at the new school?”

And just like that, you feel as though you’ve been blindsided by a bus on the highway. You know, instantly, that Mom has spent this whole conversation assuming you’re over The Secret. That you’re “normal” now.

You

“Mom...”

[ “I’m dating a girl.”—> EIGHT ] [ “No boys yet, no...”—>NINE ]

*

SEVEN

Mom’s face loses sympathy in slow motion, and you can almost physically feel her disapproval radiating across the table.

Mom

“Penny, your father was under a great deal of stress. His only daughter, going off to college for the first time, and you thought that was an appropriate moment to make such a poor joke?”

You

“It wasn’t a joke.”

Mom

“Penny, it’s not funny to make your parents worry about you like this.”

You take a deep breath, catching a faint whiff of Ciara’s perfume off your jacket.

Memory of Ciara

“You’re strong, you’re tough.”

You

“It’s never been a joke. I like girls, Mom. That’s why it hurt so badly when Dad said—when he said what he did. Because he treated...that part of me like a flaw. And it hurts that you support him over me.”

Mom

“But...you can’t be gay. You had a boyfriend in high school!”

You wince. It’s been a blessedly long time since you thought about Derek.

You

“For show, yeah. So the other girls wouldn’t start rumors about me. But it wasn’t real. I didn’t feel anything for him.”

Mom

“You just haven’t met the right man yet. When I was your age—”

You

“Mom—”

Mom

“—I told my parents I was never going to get married! But tastes change, and boys mature. You’ll figure it out.”

You

“I’ve already figured it out! I know what I want, and it’s not a husband!”

Mom

“I told my own mother just the same thing—”

Frustrated, you brace your hands on the table and look her dead in the eye.

You

“I have a girlfriend, and we have sex. A lot. Really, really good sex. I know what I feel. You don’t.”

That shocks her into silence. Then, her face melts in a perfect pout, and she starts to cry.

Mom

“Oh, Penny... You don’t know how much this hurts. My only daughter—”

Another inhale. Another hit of perfume. You’re strong; you’re tough.

You

“This is part of who I am, Mom. And I don’t want...I don’t want conditional love. I don’t want to negotiate across a table for my parents’ affection. I either have it, or I don’t, and that’s not something I can control. So...it’s up to you whether or not you have a daughter, I guess, because I’ll be fine either way.”

Mom is still crying. People are starting to turn and stare.

You

“It’s okay to have complicated feelings about it. I just...want to know if you’ll still love this version of me.”

You wait. Nothing but quiet hiccups and sniffles from the other side of the table. Your heart sinks into your stomach.

You

“Okay. Call me if you make up your mind.”

You stand, feeling shaky and gangly like a newborn calf. You make it most of the way out of the cafe when you hear a tear-smirched voice call after you.

Mom

“Penny...I’ll call you.”

Your heart squeezes. You don’t have a name for the cauldron of emotion inside your chest. You nod once, and make your way out into the parking lot.

Ciara is waiting for you.

[ END ]

*

EIGHT

Mom’s mouth opens, then closes. Her nails click tap-tap-tap against her mug. She’s staring at you, searching your expression as though struggling to understand.

Mom

“Penny...we talked about this...”

You

“I don’t know that Dad calling me a slur counts as talking.”

Mom

“I left you voicemails.”

You

“I didn’t listen to them.”

She bites her lip, looking hurt.

You

“I’m not going to magically change just because you’re too embarrassed to talk about it.”

Mom

“I’d really hoped you were over this little stunt by now...”

You

“Stunt? You think I’m dating a woman for attention?”

Mom

“I don’t know what else this could be. You’re not gay, Penny, you had a boyfriend in high school.”

You’d really rather not think about Derek, but you force the words out of your mouth anyways.

You

“I pretended, okay? I didn’t want the other girls at school to think...to know. But high school is over now. I’m not going to hide anymore.”

Mom

“And have you thought about how this affects us? Your family?”

You take a deep breath, and some of Ciara’s perfume drifts from the jacket you wear. You can do this.

You

“I can apologize for yelling at Dad, but I’m not going to apologize for being myself. And if that means you hate me, then I guess that’s your choice.”

Mom presses her hand to her mouth, eyes shining with unshed tears.

Mom

“We love you, Penny. Truly, we do. We just want what’s best for you, and this...”

You

“This is a part of me. Not a—a lifestyle choice. Can you understand that?”

She hesitates. Her hands wrap around her mug, and she stares into it as she thinks.

Mom

“I—I just don’t want you to get hurt...”

You

“Maybe I will, and maybe I won’t. Neither of us can control that, really. But it would mean—it would mean the world to me, to still be your little girl.”

A few of the tears slip free from Mom’s eyes. She sniffles, and grabs your hand again.

Mom

“Of course you’re still my little girl. You never stopped being her.”

You squeeze her hand, and a tear of your own traces down your face.

You

“I love you, Mom.”

Mom

“Oh, Penny...I love you too. I—I’ll talk to your father, okay? We’ll figure this out. As a family.”

You let out an unsteady breath and nod, feeling like there’s a melting ice cube stuck in your throat. This is more than you hoped for, walking in the door.

And maybe things with Dad will be harder. Maybe you’ll never be that perfect Egan’s Creek family again. But you leave Rosie’s Diner still warm from your mother’s hug, and that’s not something you’ll ever take for granted.

[ END ]

*

NINE

Mom

“Don’t you worry, I’m sure you’ll find someone. I was a junior in college before I met your father.”

You should feel relieved that she took that dodge so easily in stride, but instead you can feel nausea tugging at your attention.

It’s fine, you tell yourself. You didn’t lie, exactly. And maybe it’s better to avoid bringing up The Secret at all. Just for today.

Your food arrives soon, and you spend the rest of the meal chatting politely back and forth with your mother. You stay safely away from relationships and any talk of the future, instead remaining firmly reminiscent.

Despite the apparent ease of your conversation, the ill feeling steadily grows, until it’s an elephant stepping on your chest.

By the time you hug your mother goodbye, you can barely breathe.

Mom

“Penny...? Is everything alright?”

You

“N-no. I love you, Mom.”

Mom

“Oh sweetie...I love you too.”

She gives you one last hug, and then you’re released into the parking lot once more.

As you and Ciara drive away, you find a name for the creature crushing your lungs.

Shame.

[ END ]