My Blanket has a Mind of its Own

Did I ever tell you about the time my blanket tried to kill someone? Yeah, it’s quite the story. And I swear, it’s totally true. You see, it all started when I was at the park totally minding my own business. I mean, I guess I wasn’t totally minding my own business because I was on Earth and not our plane.

As you might know, we are occasionally able to travel to another plane of existence. One that doesn’t have magic, at least not the kind that we are used to. I guess the closest thing to magic they have there is neurochemicals. Melatonin, dopamine, and oxytocin. You and I are able to manipulate those chemicals with our magic. We can make them sleep by increasing their melatonin, excited and euphoric by increasing their dopamine, and make them love by increasing their oxytocin.

I was walking around the stalls with my blanket in hand. It wasn’t often that I was able to come to this plane, but I always loved it when I actually came. It was only during a particular time of year that I could come and it was the most lovely time of year. Well, I guess the caveat to that is it’s the most lovely time of year depending on where I come out. Antarctica during the northern hemisphere’s springtime isn’t fun, Antarctica is never really very fun. The ants are too serious there. Seriously.

I was perusing the stalls that were selling trinkets and odds and ends that people were trying to get rid of because they took too much space in their houses. I believe the humans call it cleaning the springs from their houses. I haven’t quite heard all that.

I must say that my blanket was in rare form that day. Usually, he and I had a relatively decent relationship where he knew that I was the master. But today, the spring festival must have done something because he was downright rambunctious. He pulled me towards stalls he wanted to see and musicians he wanted to hear. He even tried to eat some food, but I had to stop him there.

“Do you want to go into the bag?” I muttered into the blanket as I pulled it away from a curry food stall. “Don’t worry, you’ll get your food. But we can’t let anyone else see you eat it.”

“But why not?” He asked me, his voice low and slow as if it took him a long time to come up with the words.

“Because blankets don’t eat in this plane.”

“Well, what do they eat then?”

“Well, they are inanimate here. They don’t have personalities like you do.”

“Are you serious? Or is this like the time you told me that blankets are drowned, then left to burn to death?”

“They call it laundry.”

“Heathens.” The blanket snarled.

By this point, I was probably looking insane because I looked like I was sniffing my blanket and was muttering to it.

 I was looking for someone in particular. Several years ago, I was watching the customary may pole dance that honored the people from my plane when I saw the most extraordinary woman with flowing blond hair and scar on running up one side of her face dancing under the maypole weaving in and out with other people.

I knew I had to talk to her, but I found that something prevented me from doing it. It was probably that I was a chicken shit. That’s actually what my parents named me in my plane because they saw a chicken shitting when I was born. Not the most auspice of starts, I guess you might say. You might be confused as to why there were chickens in my plane, let alone blankets? That’s a great question that I don’t think we will ever know because someone…cough, cough, the writer…hasn’t deigned to share that it us yet. But I digress. I was named chicken shit when I was born, but I chose the name River once I reached adulthood a few years ago.

I had watched her from afar ever since I watched her dancing, but I was always too shy to actually go up to her. I wish I could be one of the people who has so much gusto and confidence that they can just walk up and say, “Hello, my name is River and I think you are beautiful and would really like to take you out for a cup of coffee.”

But most likely, what would come out is one of two things. Thing the first: “Hi, um...uh...my name is...uhhhh.” And then promptly forget my name and want to cease to exist from sheer and utter embarrassment.

Thing the second: I probably would start talking a mile a minute. “Hey, my name’s River. You’re beautiful. I’d really like to take you out for coffee and talk about all the things you are into. I don’t really care what your into, but I really want to hear all about it. Unless it is about sports, I hate sports. But I guess I can suffer through it if you decide that that is what you want to talk about. I will suffer for your sake. I should really stop talking right now. Why can’t I just stop talking.” At that point, I might slap myself to shut myself up. “Wow, you probably think I’m nuts now because I slapped myself like that. I just can’t get my mind to stop talking.” Then, I would mutter to myself and try to tell myself to shut up. Yeah, I am actually speaking from experience with this. Many a potential partner were terrified away by that showing of awesomeness.

So there I was, staring at her like a creep and hoping that I could actually walk up to her. The wind whipped my long brown hair and I thought about how if the wind was right, I could totally walk toward her like an angel. A Charlie’s Angel, my hair whipping all around me like Medusa’s snakes. Okay, that might not be the best example to use. Yeah, I’m actually positive now that it wasn’t. Mistakes were made.

 With the wind majestically whipping my hair about, I stood up from the blanket I was sitting on and started stretching. If I had the courage, I would walk as calmly as I could, slow and steady wins the race. But Blanket apparently decided to go to her, but he sure as hell wasn’t calm about it. I watched in horror as he wrapped around her face like a face hugger from Alien.

Her friends were trying to take it off and I was about 10 feet away. I wondered to myself, what is the best thing to do in this situation? Should I just back it up, back it up, back it up? Or do I act heroic and try to rip my blanket off her face. A few seconds later, and her friends were still trying to take the blanket off.

Like a superhero from the comics, I ran in to rescue her from my blanket. I could see that it was wrapping itself around her. I wanted to yell at it to let go of her, but I couldn’t do that because that would make me look crazy. So, I did what I knew would make it go back to sleep. I rubbed one finger along its side.

Of course, I didn’t realize how this looked at the time because I was trying to be all heroic. But it turned out that I had stroked her face while a blanket was slowly suffocating her. Before I knew it, one of her friends, of the male-presenting variety, punched me in the face. On the verge of blacking out with blood pouring out of my nose, I saw the blanket loosen and fall to the ground.

 I had saved the girl and gotten a bloody nose out of it. I just buttplanted onto the ground clutching my nose and moaning in pain. “What the hell was that?” One of her friends, a big husky woman, asked.

“I don’t know. One minute, I was just hanging with you guys. Then, this thing just comes out of nowhere and wraps around my head like a face hugger from Alien. What was it?” She answered.

“It’s a blanket. We were trying to pull it off you, but it wasn’t working.”

“I most certainly am not.” Blanket answered, the rage obvious in his voice.

The three people froze and I just closed my eyes. I finally answered, “Seriously, Blanket? You are a blanket.”

“Well, I guess I am a lower-case b blanket. But my name is Capital-B Blanket. You have to pronounce my name right.”

“Did you,” She asked slowly, she looked around at her friends, “Did that just talk? Are you hearing this as well?”

“Yeah.” Her husky friend squeaked.

“What the hell is going on? Are we tripping?”

“You are standing still, so I don’t think you are tripping. You would be on the ground or stumbling if you were tripping.” Blanket answered.

“Why did you have to go and do that?” I muttered.

“Go and do what?” He asked with fake innocence in his voice.

I stuffed my face in my hands and cried out, “Talk to them. You know there are rules for this sort of thing. We talked about this just before we left. What did I tell you?”

If it was possible for a blanket to look guilty, Blanket was doing that exact thing right now. I waited for him to respond, “You told me to not to talk when humans are around.”

“And?”

“And don’t attack anyone.”

“So why did you do both of those things.”

“To finally introduce you to the love of your life? Your mom and I talked.”

“Oh, come on! You’re trying to set me up? With a human?”

“Um…hi, what is going on right now?” She asked.

“Uh, you imagined the whole thing?” I asked, hoping that she would buy it.

She answered by crossing her arms. “Did that blanket just talk?”

“No?” I asked again, hoping even more that she would buy it.

“Come on, tell me what is going on. I demand you tell me what is going on.”

“She demands, River. She has demanded of you. You must now deliver.”

I felt my limbs freeze. When we are on this plane, we must follow everything that is demanded of us.

Unable to stop myself from speaking, “Blanket and I are from another plane of existence and we can only come here a few times each year.”

“Why are you here?”

This time, I knew that I could stop myself from speaking, but I spoke anyway. “Once a year, I get away from the pains of my realm and come here. I get away from everyone calling me names and thinking I’m useless. I get to come here and watch life begin anew. Springtime, the time for trees to bloom. When people come out of their essential winter hybernation. It is always winter where I come from, to experience the warm wind against my hair just once, it’s amazing. It makes the rest of the time feel worth it.”

“Then why don’t you just stay here?”

I set my jaw, “Because bad things happen when my kind stays here.”

“Bad things?”

Once, a drunk king wanted the whole city to feel the euphoria he was having and demanded we transport his kingdom to a land of alcohol and booze. And that is why you can’t find Atlantis anywhere on Earth. We transported the city to the drunk islands in our realm. But there’s a bad side, like Pompeii bad. Like literally Pompeii.”

“Are you magical?”

“I can use magic that affects different things on this plane. The Earth’s plate tectonics, and human neurochemicals. Others from my realm have stayed and become gods to you. Aphrodite and Eros both affected Oxytocin, Ares affected adrenaline, Zeus could manipulate the electrical impulses in your brains. Are we done yet?”

“I suppose.”

“Now, I have one thing to say to you. I demand you come with me.”

Her body stiffened, as did the bodies of the other two. She was fighting it, but she can’t. Nor can I. I wrapped my mind around the other two and poured adrenaline into their systems. They fled screaming away from us.

She watched them run off, terror filling her eyes. “Why?” She gasped, shivering from fright.

“I saw you all those years ago, and I knew. You are the lost princess of our people. The one who can bring a balance to our chaotic plane. I’ve come to bring you home.”

“What if I don’t want to?”

“We all have to do things we don’t want to in times of need, and make no mistake, this is a dire need. Come with me.” I softened my tone slightly, “Please, come with me. Come see my world, our world, your world.”

“I’m a princess?”

“Yes.”

She smirked ever so slightly, “I always wanted to be a princess.”

“My dear, you will become more than a princess. You will be a queen.”

“I like the sound of that.” She said, a smile forming on her lips.