Every Day at 2 pm

[4^th March 2007]

My phone alarm went off. I opened my eyes and looked towards the porch where I had left it. I didn’t want to turn it off. I just wanted to relish the melody. The melody and all the memories it carried.

I turned at the puppy next to me. He was chewing on a plastic toy, oblivious of the past, enjoying the present. I sat up and straightened my back. The scarf around my neck caught his attention. He must have smelled the hyacinths. He left out a little sneeze before going back to his toy. I gently gripped the scarf and brought it closer to my face. It felt like a kiss.

The branches of the oak tree were hovering above me, playing with the soft sun of spring. I stood up and walked towards the trunk. I kneeled in front of it as if I were asking for its blessing and picked up a stick from the ground. As I started digging the puppy came to assist me, frantically moving his tiny legs back and forth. When I was satisfied with the depth of the hole, he stopped and stood proudly in front of it wagging his white tail.

I took off the scarf and folded it carefully, before placing it on the cool ground. I let my fingers caress it one last time, pleading with the oak tree to let the scent of hyacinths linger on my fingertips forever.

When I finally let go I covered it with the freshly dug soil. I remained staring at the patch on the ground until the puppy decided to climb on my lap once again. I ran my fingers through his black fur.

“I wouldn’t change a thing” I smiled.

[2^nd March 2007]

My phone alarm went off. I quickly reached for the device in my pocket and turned it off. I got a couple of sideways looks. Just another reason for them to show their distain. Had they told me the ceremony was reschedule, perhaps I wouldn’t have forgotten to switch it off.

I had been at the church for hours, waiting. I started assuming that I had gotten either the time or the place wrong. There was .nobody I could call anyway, so I sat on the steps of the church, in defeat. I felt numb and lost like an abandoned child, the void in my chest growing bigger until it would devour me completely.

It wasn’t until 2 hours later, that I saw their car pull over. Her uncle helped her mother out of the vehicle and they slowly made their way inside. Other than a quick glance of pure spite, they completely ignored me. Her brother came out of the car next and approached me. He quickly apologized for not letting me now that they changed the time, without looking me straight in the eyes once. They were probably hoping I wouldn’t show up at all.

So there we were, in the church. Me trying to turn off my phone, trying to hide my existence as I’ve always done and them acting as if I’m a stain on their perfect, white canvas. A familiar wild anger suddenly flared up inside me, filling every inch of my body. I clenched my fingers around my cell phone and looked away from them.

She was lying so close to me. They did not deserve my attention. I could see her profile from where I was seated. Her face almost looked like a doll’s. She looked so serene. So calm.

The ceremony was finally over when her brother approached me.

“Look, I know it’s hard but they asked me to tell you… Well…” he was clearly uncomfortable, mumbling and fidgeting. Once again he wasn’t looking at me in the eyes. “Maybe you shouldn’t come to the cemetery.”

It was finally out in the open. Not that I wasn’t expecting it, but I still felt the anger creeping back. Even today they had to make it about themselves. They couldn’t respect their daughter, not even on the day of her own funeral.

I was about to refuse this ridiculous request…no, this ridiculous order. But then the scent of hyacinths gently embraced me. I simply turned around and stepped outside. I took a deep breath, trying to focus on the scent. I touched the scarf on my neck and sat back down on the stairs. When I got up to leave the sun had already set.

[28^th February 2007]

My phone alarm went off as I was standing in the waiting room. It felt like a sign from her.

I couldn’t sit down, my legs were too restless. I was technically committing a crime. A crime. How dared they? How dared they reduce me to nothing? That I had to sneak in like this.

“Hey” Naomi came in and touched my shoulder. “Come with me” she whispered. She walked in a hurry through the corridors avoiding the other doctors and nurses. I followed her close behind, mimicking her movements. She opened a narrow, white door by the stairs and signaled me to get in. We slid in the room and she swiftly grabbed some clothes from a chair. It was a small room without windows, a desk full of files and notes, a chair and a couple of lockers. My guess was that it was an old janitor’s closet that was now used by the medical staff.

“Wear this.” she handed them over to me. It was a pair of light blue surgical scrubs and a white coat. “I’ll give you a cap and a mask as well.” she searched a pink backpack which was tucked in underneath the desk. I quickly started undressing.

“If anyone asks, I’ll say you are a visiting doctor.” Naomi was now ruffling through the files. I suddenly became aware of the fact that she was jeopardizing her license for our sake.

“Thank you.” these words were not enough for me to express my gratitude. But Naomi accepted them anyway, with a weak smile.

We entered the ICU without anybody questioning us. The sound of our footsteps went unnoticed under the rhythmical beeping of the monitors and the constant noise of ventilators. Naomi guided me to a bed at the far right corner of the room.

“I’ll be back in five minutes.” she kindly tapped me on the back and closed the curtains around us.

I slowly approached the bed. I probably wouldn’t have been able to recognize her on my own. Straps and tubes were wrapped all around her small body and a ventilation mask was covering most of her face. She looked like she had lost even more weight compared to the last time I had managed to see her.

“Hey, baby.” I sat on the bed and took her hand in my hand, being mindful of the IV catheter. I felt like her body could break with the slightest movement. “It’s me.” I lowered my mask to make sure she could see me. She opened her eyes and after examining my face for a few seconds she gave me a smile.

“You made it.” the monitor started beeping a bit faster and I felt her squeeze my hand with a great force I wasn’t expecting from her frail body. I wanted to cry in her arms. She removed the ventilation mask with great difficulty.

“Calm down, sweetie.” I caressed her face and tried to stop her, “You need to save your strength.”

“Stop worrying. I’ll be fine.” she placed the mask under her chin. “I am fine now.”

Her eyes were sparkling in a way I hadn’t seen in ages. She is happy, I realized and felt my own eyes fill with tears.

“Grab that leaflet for me.” she momentarily let go of my hand to point at the monitor. There was indeed a leaflet right next to it, folded in two. “Naomi let me take it with me when they brought me in here.” she explained with a mischievous grin while I was handing it to her. Her hands were trembling a bit, but she managed to unfold it. It was advertising a dog rescue, I realized as my jaw clenched a bit.

“I called about a week ago and they said they had a male puppy. Black with white tail.” I wanted to protest,but the knot on my throat wouldn’t let me. “Please get him. For me. Please.”

For you or for me, I wondered but kept it to myself. I simply nodded.

“Naomi also let me sneak in this” she grabbed her scarf that was laid down next to her pillow. I hadn’t noticed it until then. “I wanted to give it to you, but I didn’t know if I would have the chance.

“I love you so much.” I kissed her knuckles as I took the scarf. The scent of hyacinths clouded my eyes. I kept her hand pressed on my lips to keep myself from sobbing.

“I love you too.” I could tell she was holding back tears as well. If only I could stay by her side. But I couldn’t think about that now. We only had a few minutes and I wanted us to spend them looking at each other’s eyes.

[27^th February 2007]

My phone alarm went off while he was talking. Like she was trying to reassure me. I turned it off while wishing that was true.

“As I said, the doctors told us that her condition is critical. Her organs couldn’t take it any longer and…” he stopped and looked at me almost apologetically. “They said it’s a matter of days.”

She was always speaking fondly of her brother and I could somewhat understand why. He was tall and wide, but his gentle demeanor showed all over his body. He could easily appear intimidating if he wanted to, but instead he always looked like a confused, meek child. A controlled child. I could tell why she felt guilty that she had escaped, while he stayed behind.

“They won’t let anyone not-related see her” he muttered awkwardly.

Not related. That nonsense again.

“I will let you know if we have any news. I will call you when…” he paused regretting his last sentence.

When she dies, anger built up inside me once again. He apologized a couple of more times before going back to his family. I sat down across the reception desk and tried to process it all.

Patients were checking in and out constantly and the receptionists were struggling to keep up. I wondered if my harassing them for hours to let me see her had something to do with it. They wouldn’t even tell give me any information on how she’s doing. It wasn’t until I threatened to make a scene that they asked for her brother to come meet me.

So that was it. That was how it would end. Without even being able to be by her side. Ever since they showed up they had barely let me spend time with her. An explosive urge to destroy everything in that reception room rushed through my body. I violently got up and run to the parking lot. Even the cool, fresh air felt suffocating.

It’s unfair, was all I could think of. It’s unfair, it’s unfair, it’s unfair.

I must have been pacing for half an hour before a slender figure approached me.

“Have you heard?” it was Naomi. She was out of her work clothes. She had probably just finished her shift. “She’s been moved to the ICU.”

I almost broke down into tears right there amongst the parked cars.

“I know” I managed to say, “They won’t even let me see her.”

Naomi leaned in sympathetically and offered me her shoulder. Perhaps she was seeing herself in me. A possible future self.

After a while she decisively stepped back. Something other than sympathy had formed into her eyes.

“I think I can help you.” she said. “But we need to be careful.”

[14^st January 2007]

My phone alarm went off and she smiled to the tune. It warmed up my heart as well, and I tried to return the smile.

“2 pm” she said while giving me a peck on the neck.

I would do anything to make her happy, I thought. I was sitting on the hospital bed right beside her, holding her hand. She still kept her scarf with her even here on this bed. The smell of hyacinths soothed her.

She was still week after she needed to be admitted yesterday. Her results had come back this morning. The metastases were eating away her body. The doctors said we couldn’t do much. We could only focus on keeping her as comfortable as possible.

“At least you can get a dog now.” I heard her chuckle softly, her head still tucked underneath my chin. I gripped the edge of the sheet as I felt all my muscles tense. I tried to keep my voice steady, but I was sure she could tell I was angry.

“Don’t say that.” I backed away a little bit, but she pulled me back. We stayed like that, clinging to one another desperate it would last forever, for a while longer.

“My mother called when you were out.” her voice vibrated against my chest. “She said they were coming to talk to the doctors.”

She must have guessed my worried expression because she immediately looked up and placed her hand on my shoulder.

“I made it clear that you will stay here with me.” she sounded reassuring but I could tell she was just as worried as I was. “No matter what, they cannot keep us apart. Remember that.”

I nodded, pushing away my fears. She had been fighting for over a year. Over a year and they hadn’t showed up once.

“Of course.” I said and I kissed her forehead.

“Ok, then.” she playfully tapped my leg, “Go get me an apple juice?”

“Well, since you asked so nicely.” I winked as she made puppy-dog eyes. I couldn’t imagine my life without her.

I stood in front of the vending machine, searching through the beverages. I couldn’t help but feel uneasy at the news that her family would get involved. They never approved of our relationship and had made it abundantly clear. To the point that they had barely spoken to her all these months while she was in and out of the hospital. And they thought themselves righteous. I felt the urge to hit the vending machine, even though none of the items I selected were stuck.

I took a deep breath and went back to the room.

“Guess who just came by!” she greeted me like an excited child who was just told was going to Disneyworld. “Naomi.”

“Naomi? But how?” We hadn’t seen Naomi in ages. We used to meet up with her and her partner a lot before. She was a doctor, working at a clinic at the other side of the city. “What was she doing here?”

“She started working here six months ago.” she explained. That made sense; we probably hadn’t spoken much over the past year. “She was going to one of her patients and saw me through the door. She said she’ll be back later, when she’s done.”

Having a friendly face around sure would be nice.

“Now where is my apple juice?” she tilted her head, pouting her lip a bit.

My heart always swelled when she showed me her childish side.

[3^rd September 2005]

“I love you” we were sitting side by side underneath the oak tree at my parent’s summer house. Her hand was caressing my thigh.

“I know” I hid my excitement behind a smug smile.

 She winked at me and turned around to look at the house. It was a small log cabin with a narrow porch and an old doghouse. Our family dog was long gone, but my parents couldn’t bring themselves to throw it away.

“It’s such a shame I’m allergic to dogs!” she pouted. “I’d love for us to get one. Your old dog was so pretty. I’ve never seen a black dog with a white tail before.” she paused for a bit and took a deep breath.

“It’s so nice that your parents let us spend the weekend. They are so kind. Unlike my family.” she let out a sigh. She didn’t like talking about her family. “I felt a bit overwhelmed by their acceptance.” she shifted the conversation back to my parents.

“They have been really supportive ever since I told them I was a lesbian.” I leaned a bit closer to her ear. “But they do like you better than any of my previous girlfriends.”

She playfully slapped my arm before giving me a kiss. “I love you” she said once more.

“You’ve told me already.” I joked.

“I just want to make sure you remember it. In fact…” she swiftly snatched my phone from my pocket, “…I will put a reminder. So that every time you hear the alarm it reminds you that I love you. Every day at 2 pm.”

“Why in the middle of the day?” I protested.

“So even if you are stressed during the day, you know that I’m here.” she grinned. I wanted to smile as well, but something else came on my mind.

“We need to go get your biopsy results at 2pm on Monday.”

“Oh, hush.” she cut me off, “The doctor said it’s most likely benign. Stop worrying.”

“Ok.” I put my arm around her.

I could smell her hyacinth perfume. She would always spray some on the blue, silk scarf she would constantly wear. She climbed on my lap and I ran my fingers through her hair. We stayed still, looking at the oak tree’s branches playing with the sun.

“Are you happy?” she finally asked.

“I wouldn’t change a thing.”