The Greatest Mystery of All-Time

In the beginning. God. Creation. Adam. Eve. 

Within six days God created all things. He formed heaven and earth, light, plants, animals, and then man. Once man took center stage, however, of all the complexities that God had accomplished, it would be man’s mistake-ridden life that God would monitor, and quite frankly find much humor therein. Perhaps the sole purpose for man’s creation was that simple. Shear amusement. But this is not a story about why or how humans came to be. This is a story about the first man, Adam, and how he nearly ended it all. It is not about Adam and Eve eating an apple either, that came later. No, this story has never been told before, at least not in writing. This story occurred at a time when Adam was watching a host full of animals. It is in this story alone that a chicken and egg both came to be.

******

In a time before time began, Adam was alone. He had been wandering the fields and overseeing the garden, and God saw that it was not good for him to be alone. So out of the ground, the Creator formed every beast of the field and air and charged Adam to name each. It was the first exciting moment of Adam’s life, and his first true responsibility, save for making sure nothing harmed the grass from growing, of which nothing of evil existed at this point anyway. So receiving this charge, Adam was ecstatic.

All animals of creation gathered for Adam, and there were quite a few for him to address as all living creatures up to this point were present with none yet facing extinction. An endless line formed, one that has not been seen barring the same path tracing the equator. And a young Adam began his charge to name the animals. He did so with great honor too, at least at first.

As the initial wave of animals drew forward, each kind awaited Adam's anointment. Adam carefully examined claws, hooves, and paws, paying close attention to digits, the vast disparity in fur, feather, and scale. Adam was thoughtful to select a fitting name for each. His first designation was long-winded and detailed, the "Parastratiosphecomyia stratiosphecomyioides", a wasp fly-like creature. His second and third names were equally as detailed. But after a while, in a period that covered multiple balls of fire appearing high in the sky, Adam’s thoughtful consideration of each type lessened. Adam thought he had seen the same animals again and again. The zebra was the horse albeit with stripes, and the pony was merely a smaller version of the horse too. Adam thought he was having man's first delusions. He could not comprehend how the animals kept coming in a line that had no end in sight. Adam’s descriptive nominations began to falter. Soon, in a relative matter of time-speak, Adam turned to simpler names, "ant", "cat", and "dog". 

Adam's initial signs of deterioration emerged upon the designation of the sloth, as Adam’s patience weened while watching the creature ever so slowly meander into place. As it crept at a rate only to be later matched by the "slug" some thousand animals after, Adam mused its name in boredom. And yet the newly minted Adam had quite literally nothing else in the world to do. And so it went, on and on and on that Adam remained, sitting, then standing , alternating between the two to break up the monotony of time. While searching in the distance for an end in sight to his task, he began to hear the strangest noise.

At first, Adam thought he was witnessing man's second delusions, or was it hallucinations, he did not yet know the difference. A sound was being carried toward him and progressed louder with the advancement of each animal. 

Down the line of animals Adam continued, reviewing then christening each. All the while growing in disturbance. Adam called out the next animal.

"Ostrich"...then the disturbance echoed cluck, cluck.

"White rhinoceros", cluck, cluck continued. 

"Brown rhinoceroses"...cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck.

The line had advanced enough that whatever brought forth the noise was now one animal away. The irritation of a cluck now echoed in Adam’s ears. And the creature responsible was in a commotion directly behind the next large animal that was stepping forward. Adam could hardly tolerate it’s...well... Adam had not yet decided what to call the annoying tone.

Adam searched to see the origin of the obnoxious sound while the next up now stood before him for its crowning designation. The large animal proudly stood in place, looking at Adam with reverence to the man, showing dignity in its moment of annointing. Adam, however, could pay little attention. He promptly discarded it, yelling out ‘Llama’. That was the first time that an animal spit.

***

Adam’ hardly noticed the mucus-filled liquid that hit him. He wiped its excrement from his face while concentrating on the succeeding animal. Its sound carried it up to the mound of dirt that served as an anointing podium before Adam. Here, Adam saw his vexation.

The moment in time may have paused. There was no other life in creation to Adam. Only this one. Neurologically Adam may have been firing on all cylinders, but neurosis was setting in, if only Adam knew what that was. Adam gawked as the creature before him didn’t quite walk onto the “stage”, nor waddle, but strutted as if to show off as the main event. A feathered little thing had been making all tbstcommotion. It paused while bobbing it's head, cocking it to stare at Adam sideways. A strange red flap of skin dangled beneath it’s chin on an otherwise all white bird. Then, crazed eyes met those of Adam.

In an instant, outstretched wings and legs operating began operating of any apparent normal brain activity. In all manner of speaking, calmness ceased and complete chaos and irrationalith sprang to life. Both in the bird and in Adam. Adam felt man’s first panic attack while watching an insane animal attempt to run then leap, launching itself 10 feet off the ground before falling back and landing on its feet. Adam felt his emotions stir inside as the creature leapt again, screeching all the while. Over and over. The line of creatures we're dazed at the absurdity of the antics, but Adam was not. Adam lunged forward. When he did, the distressed animal saw man’s first pschotic breakdown and with feathers discarded, the wary animal bolted. Adam began pursuit.  

***

In a process of trying to capture this wild animal, Adam and his preyof carried on for quite a while. The disturbed animals in line peered in stupefaction as the man tasked to attend to them was at times crouching, crawling, jumping, and eventually trying to mimic the winged beast in the vainest attempt to catch it; all to no avail. The line of animals followed the two’s campaign until they were barely visible over the horizon. Then eventually, they were both out of sight. 

After a time, Adam too lost track of the wildest of the wild birds. But he did not return to the line of animals in dejected fashion, as one might expect. Instead, Adam stayed on his mission. He took a moment to rest against an apple tree. As he stood there taking in the shade and admiring the ripe and delicious variety of apples dangling tantalizingly from its limbs, Adam felt paranoia. Although tired and hungry from a hard's day's stint, Adam thought better of eating from this particular tree. Perhaps he was truly mentally unstable now, but his every being told him to leave it be. Plus, his mind was on something else. This feathered varmint. So with a mere pause, Adam regained his composure and promised that despite the craze of this animal, and that he was now speaking out loud to himself, he would pursue and capture it at all costs.

During his pursuit, he followed a trail of strange prints. It was the only manner to track it as the bird had gone silent. Gone was it's emitance of a cluck. That quietness actually gave Adam time to think, and during that time he named his quarry. ’Chicken’ is what he decided upon. His other suggestion would have been 'cluck', but it remained an all to familiar sound that he'd sooner prefer to forget.

As Adam walked and thought about how to approach the animal, this chicken, without scaring it, he decided that he would stare it down, unblinking until it submitted. In the name chicken, he would conquer this, man’s first, foe. And so it was to great surprise to Adam when he eventually found the chicken laying on it’s back with it's hind legs facing the sky. Quiet and still.  

At first, Adam approached careful not to disturb, but once he was right on top of the winged animal and his shadow cast over its body still revealed no movement, Adam became anxious. Was Adam now facing man’s first anxiety attack.

The chicken did not appear to be basking in the overhead ball of fire in the sky, so Adam told himself. When Adam tried to coax it with his own brand of clucks, there was still nothing. 

Adam knelt beside the chicken and lifted its lifeless body. Inside him, something hurt as if he had been struck multiple times in the chest. But this was different than all the preceding thoughts. While it felt as though his insides had bee deflated. Adam held this small and once formidable foe and then he wept. 

Above the scene, the spirit of God hovered. The creator could see Adam hurt. And it was for an animal that had brought him to his knees. Of all the feelings that Adam had experienced, this was the one that God had wanted to see. Adam was experiencing love for the first time. Despite the annoyance of the chicken, Adam had not wanted its harm. That was love in its simplest and purest form. After all, Adam was made in the image of his creator. Yes, God could see that Adam felt the same love for all living creatures.

And so God saw that man and chicken living together was good. As Adam held the chicken, the smile from God brought the vitality back into the chicken and it opened its eyes once more. Adam held its body close to his own. He firmly gripped the chicken’s wings so it would not escape and while it burrowed closer to him, Adam could fee the thumping of its chest to his, as if synchronizing to a rhythmical beat.

Then Adam rose with chicken still in his arms and he carried back toward the way they had come. In God’s wisdom, he decided that Adam’s task of naming and safeguarding all the animals was one that needed a helper. And seeing how the chicken was so nervous and fearful of everything including its own shadow, God decided to give it a companion as well. So God created woman first to aside man and then he created the egg to accompany the chicken. The creator did not want the chicken to be adult in the manner he had created before. This time it would be simpler. An oval object that man could monitor alongside his friend the chicken. The patience would be good for them both. Maybe even calm man’s nerves and avoid a psychotic episode. Patience would be a virtue. And then to test that patience further, God would have woman in the midst. She would also serve as an additional measure of security to ensure that Adam did not mess up overseeing the egg. This would be equally her charge, at least until it was time for eggs of her own. But that is another, far more complicated story.