Coffee at The Crossroads

Nexus Coffee Bar sat in a place of pride in the middle of the Nexus. Situated at the crossing point between Earth and the outer planes; between Heaven and Hell. It sat at the crossroads of reality. As such, it was frequented by customers both Celestial and Infernal, not that one could tell the difference by looking. In fact, I blended right in, and I am neither.

Long ago, I discovered I could walk out of Hell uncontested. I never made it further than the Nexus before finding myself back again, though. Each trip I could spend more and more time there, as long as I didn’t let my mind go blank. It was on one of those trips that I realized the coffee bar was free, and I became a regular.

"Did you hear the latest A/D stats?" The voice that whispered in my ear with a warm puff belonged to Azreasha, or "Rae" as she preferred. Azraesha was an inveterate flirt, which I figured out on our first meeting. She was also an Infernal, although I only found that out after we'd talked a few dozen times.

"No, I didn’t. Interesting news?" I whispered back. I learned a long time ago to just go along with the conversation and not try to fake any sort of knowledge I didn't have, like what an “A/D stat” was, or why I should care.

"She's just excited because we're slipping." The voice whispered in my other ear, although with less breath, belonged to the Celestial, Lillian.

I turned around and leaned in close to the two, who stood with an arm around each other's waist. "Why are we whispering?"

"I don't know," Azraesha whispered. There was an awkward moment between the three of us. I'm not sure who started it, but we fell into a fit of the giggles. An outside observer would never guess that the slim, pale, freckle-faced, pony-tailed redhead was an Infernal, the short, dun-skinned brunette with bright green eyes and a hint of pink in her cheeks was a Celestial, or that the dark brown-skinned woman with messy black curls was a human who had walked out of Hell.

"Should I pick up our order while you two find a table?" I asked.

"You're such a dear," Lillian said. "I'll have a triple anger-brew today. I'm going to need the energy."

"Just my usual, cutie." Azraesha brushed her hand against my cheek. 

"Okay, a triple anger, a half-and-half love and lust, and a double peace for me. I'll be right back."

One of the unusual features of the Nexus Coffee Bar was the ordering system. Once one decided what they wanted it was started without requiring any other input. Except for times when it was super busy, it was enough to decide on entering what to order and head straight to the counter to pick it up. Our coffees were sitting in a carrier on the counter by the time I got there. Tucked between the cups was a flyer.

I found the ladies at a table in a back corner and joined them. Lillian looked at the flyer and said, “Ooh, fall tasting tomorrow. I’ll be here.” She held the flyer out. "Rae?"

Azraesha read it, a smile spreading across her face. "I love these things. I wonder if they’ll have any new flavors this time, or just the usual fall lineup. Either way, you know I’ll be here.” She passed the flyer to me. "What about you, Abby?"

"Hm, a coffee tasting? I’ve never been to one.” I smiled. "I think it might be fun."

Lillian raised an eyebrow. “On that note, I think Rae is bursting to tell her news."

Azraesha sat up straight, shoulders back. "The A/D rate for the last quarter, it’s… just insane! 6.4 percent ascension, which is about average, but,” her eyes widened, “descension was up from 0.3 percent to 2.4 percent!"

"Descension?" I asked. Ascension made sense to me — those who ascended, from Hell to Heaven. Did this mean it could work the other way, too?

"It's incredibly rare... or at least it used to be," Azraesha answered, “but sometimes souls travel from Heaven to Hell.”

"There's been some sort of emotional sickness, a sort of memetic virus spreading there.” Lillian sighed. "We're doing what we can to limit the spread, but it's difficult."

Azraesha hugged her. "Leelee, I'm here for you. You'll get through this."

Lillian leaned her head on Azraesha's shoulder. "Thanks, Rae, but don't call me Leelee."

Lillian sat up and started in on her extra-strong coffee. "So, Abby, how much longer do you think it'll be before you ascend?"

I was stunned. It didn't occur to me that they might know I wasn't one of them. "I, uh... what?"

Azraesha laughed. "Don't be surprised. We knew you were a human all along." She leaned in close. “You've already figured out that you can walk out of Hell."

I nodded. "I can, but I keep popping back there. It’s annoying.”

Rae lifted my face with a gentle finger on my chin. "When you figure out what you're holding on to, you'll be out for good."

"What I'm holding on to?" I searched her blue eyes for an answer but found none. "I just keep getting dragged back."

Azraesha leaned forward, close to rubbing noses. "The only thing that can drag you anywhere is you." She gave me quick kiss on the forehead. "We have to get to our jobs. See you here tomorrow!"

I wandered around the Nexus for a while, mulling over what Rae had said. According to her, something I'm holding on to is the reason I keep going back to Hell. To put it out of my mind I watched the crowds streaming through, trying to guess Celestial or Infernal. But from the way Rae and Lillian had just acted, any of them could be human as well. With that the game lost its luster and I found myself back in Hell.

It's not like the stories. There's no fire and brimstone, or demons with pitchforks, or anything even remotely sinister. Instead, it's my life, but the only parts I can see are those where I made a mistake, wronged someone, or hurt someone. At first it was every single horrible moment. Over time I grew inured to most of them. Now, only one remained.

"Mom! Look, I don't have time for this.” My exasperated sigh was exaggerated for effect. “I’m going to the mountains with some friends from work, we can talk about it when I get back.” My knuckles grew white as I gripped the cell and my mother droned on.

“Abby, I really feel like I need to see you, today.” Her voice shook. “I don’t feel… it just… something feels off, and I need you here.”

“Mom, I just spent the whole weekend with you last week, my friends want to see me now.” I rolled my eyes. “There’s nothing wrong, just watch your shows and I’ll stop by when we get back Sunday evening.”

“Abigail, please, I need to see you today.”

“Mother, I love you but you’re being selfish and more than a little of a pain in the ass. You’ll see me Sunday. Bye.” I ended the call before she could say any more.

I didn’t get to experience the trip again, as that was a good time. Sunday morning, we packed up and headed back to civilization. As we reached the pass and re-entered the connected world my phone blew up — missed calls, texts, voicemails. My friends dropped me at the hospital, and I left my bags with them.

My mother didn’t see me on Sunday. She’d had a stroke two hours after our call, fell into a coma, and never recovered. I held her hand and cried; begged for her forgiveness. She had reached out to me and I blew her off. More than anything, I hoped she knew that I loved her.

After I endured this never-changing loop several hundred times, I forced myself to turn around and walk. The Nexus was never more than a few steps away. No matter how long I spent in Hell, every time I entered the Nexus was the “next day” relative to the last time I’d been there.

Lillian and Azraesha were already seated and Lillian waved me over. “You’re just in time. They’re bringing the samples out now.”

The tables were set with small plates, scorecards and pencils, water glasses, still water and sparkling water, soda crackers, and pear slices. “What’s with the snacks?” I asked.

“These are for cleansing your palate between samples.” Azraesha placed a soda cracker and slice of pear on her plate and poured herself a glass of sparkling water. Lillian did the same, but with still water. I followed suit, and Azraesha filled my glass with sparkling water before I could decide between the two.

Wait staff brought out trays with five shot glasses on each, numbered. In the center of the table they placed five cards, face-down, numbered on the backs; the fronts held the names of the drinks. The score card listed the numbers and a place to enter a score, 0 - 10, for each one. There was room for comments on the back of the cards, but Lillian told me hardly anyone filled that part out.

We decided to go through them in order, starting at number one. Lillian and Azraesha decided we wouldn’t look at the names of any we hadn’t yet tried.

Rae sniffed the first. “They do this one every fall,” she said, “and for some reason there are a lot of folks hooked on it.”

It smelled spicy and rich. The taste was warm and complex, with a sharp tang and an earthy sweetness underneath. “It tastes a bit like cloves, nutmeg, cinnamon, and is that pumpkin?” I asked. As it went down, I felt a lurch in my stomach as if I were falling. “What is that?”

I turned over the card, but before I had a chance to read it Azraesha answered, “Fright; not my favorite — hate it.” She marked a dark 0 on the scorecard. Lillian, however, shivered once and beamed.

“I take it you like it?”

“It’s the best part of fall,” she said, marking a 10 on her scorecard.

I marked it a 3, but probably should have marked it lower. The next, I hoped, would be better.

After a small bite of cracker and pear, and a couple sips of water we moved on to number two. “Oh,” Lillian said after sniffing it. “If it’s what I think it is they haven’t done this one in a few years. I missed it.”

After her 10 on the first, I was hesitant to trust her recommendation. Still, that’s what I was here for, to try new things. It smelled a bit like moist dirt. I took a sip, and Azraesha and Lillian watched closely. “There’s a sweet but sour taste to it, kind of like a berry top-note.” After swallowing the rest I felt a mild case of the blues creeping up on me. I hesitated to turn the card over, but Lillian swooped in and did it.

“Yes! They brought Melancholy back!” She marked another 10 on her scorecard, while Azraesha and I both rated it a solid 6. She looked at our cards. “You two have no taste!”

“Says the woman who slams triple-angers,” Azraesha said.

We cleansed our palates and moved on the next on the list. “The rest of these are all brand new,” Azraesha said. We could see that on the scorecards, where next to each of the remaining numbers was a little blue stamp that said, “Brand NEW!” but we didn’t bother to point that out to her.

The next one was difficult to define. Every time I thought I had a grip on the smell, I lost it. “I — I’m not sure what this smells like, besides coffee.” Lillian and Azraesha both looked confused as they smelled it. “Well, down the hatch.”

“It tastes like citrus, or — no,” Azraesha said, “not citrus, more like, uh….”

“I’m not sure what it tastes like. It’s really subtle, almost insidious.” I looked at the empty shot glass. “I didn’t feel anything, though. Wait — maybe I did. I’m not sure.”

Frustrated I grabbed the name card and turned it over — Doubt. “Considering it does exactly what it says in the name I want to rate it high, but the flavor is just so-so.” After a bit of back-and-forth, we all rated it a 5 and got ready for the next round.

“It’s got a peaty smell,” Lillian said.

We all agreed and swallowed it down. “Dark,” Azraesha said.

“Almost too dark,” I said. “Almond notes.” The possibility that it was laced with cyanide popped into my head. My stomach tied itself in knots, my heart raced. Maybe drinking coffee designed for Celestials and Infernals was a bad idea for a human.

“I love it,” Azraesha said, and marked it 10 on her score card.

Lillian marked it a 6. “It’s all right, but I don’t think it agrees with Abby.”

Azraesha handed me a cracker and a slice of pear. “Here, take this.”

I did, and as my palate cleared the feeling went away. “Let me guess, Dread, right?”

Azraesha turned the card over. “Damn! She got it! I thought maybe it was loathing.”

I marked a 0 on that one and we took a short break before the last one. Finally, we all grabbed our last sample and took a sniff. Lillian’s nose wrinkled and Azraesha turned aside in disgust. To me, it smelled like… home.

“Well, we didn’t come this far to back out now,” Azraesha said. She placed another cracker and several slices of pear on her plate and refilled her water. She took a deep breath and said, “Let’s do this.”

Azraesha swallowed, gagged, chugged her sparkling water and stuffed a cracker in her mouth. Lillian frowned. “That’s the worst thing I’ve ever tasted,” she said.

“It’s warm, it tastes familiar, comfortable,” I said. “Maybe it’s an acquired taste, but for some reason it tastes normal to me.” I marked it a 10 while Azraesha and Lillian both marked it a 0. Azraesha turned the card over and nodded. When she didn’t say anything else, I looked at the card myself. Guilt. Her words returned, that I needed to figure out what I was holding on to. That was it.

“Azraesha, thank you.”

“For what, Abigail?” She was casually nibbling on the remaining pear slices.

“I know what keeps dragging me back.” I lifted the shot glass. “This.”

“That’s foul,” Lillian said. “You definitely need to let go of that.”

“I used to wish we were more like humans,” Azraesha said. “I won’t say I envied you, except when they do the Envy blend in the spring, but I thought it must be nice to be able to feel emotions just… whenever.”

“It’s a bad deal, though,” Lillian said. “Who wants to feel anger when you need to focus, or contentment when you need to fight?”

“Exactly.” Azraesha grabbed my hand and held it between her own. “And who would ever want to feel… that,” she said, nodding at the shot glass in my other hand. “I’d rather be run through with a spike.”

I felt the weight lift for the first time since my mother died. Tears began to pool in my eyes.

“Oh no,” Lillian said, “we made her sad.”

“No,” I said, “not sad. Just very happy right now.”

“But you’re crying.”

“Lillian,” Azraesha asked, “are you telling me you’ve never heard of happy tears?”

“Oh, yeah, I’ve heard of it, I just thought it was a saying or something. I didn’t know it was real.”

I turned the shot glass upside down and slammed it down on the table. “Can I have a hug?”

Instead of answering they both moved around the table and held on to me. “I’ve let go of so many other things, I think it’s time to let this go, too.”

As we held on to each other I noticed that they both started tearing up. “Happy tears!” Lillian said, and she and Azraesha laughed together.

“But, how?” I asked. “I thought you couldn’t feel emotion without…” I nodded toward the empties on the table.

“That,” Azraesha said, “or if a human openly shares it with us. Thank you. This is the most precious gift ever.”

We held each other for what felt like hours, although it was likely only a minute or two. “You two probably need to get to work. Meanwhile, I think I’m ready to go home.”

They kissed me on opposite cheeks, then we untangled. The two of them hugged briefly and giggled, wiping their tears, before walking their separate ways.

I strolled around the Nexus, watching people, not trying to figure out who or what they were, but just… watching. I cleared my mind and let myself drift, and a door opened to my right. Beyond the door stood my mother, arms open, a warm smile on her face. I ascended.