The Show Business

The Show Business

By Lydia Wilen

“So I started noticing fine lines under my eyes. Nothing fine about them. And the deepening smile lines around my mouth were nothing to smile at. While wondering what to do about it, I was seduced into watching an online seemingly-endless infomercial, promising to repair and reduce the appearance of deep lines and wrinkles. Taking advantage of their 6-jar offer, I ordered and received the advanced action, anti-aging, micro-sculpting, wrinkle repair cream. Of course, I followed their suggested use by putting a nickel-size dab of cream on my finger and, using an upward motion, gently massaging it on the right side of my face until it was completely absorbed. Then I repeated the process on the left side of my face. As advised, I did this in the morning and at bedtime. For 90 days I did: finger, dab, massage, absorbed. Sadly, the lines on my face were still there as prominent as ever. However, my finger looked ten years younger.”

She laughed. Life Coach, Dr. Evelyn Walsh, laughed out loud. Maybe I’m not so crazy to want to be a stand-up comic at my age.

“During the summer, my mother would buy my father a few bottles of beer that would be kept in the refrigerator. My father wasn’t a drinker, except for Manischevitz wine on holidays, and a very occasional beer on a sweltering summer night, when the window fan in our Brooklyn apartment was not able to cool things down. On one of those nights, he asked 10-year-old me to get him a beer out of the fridge. I asked him, ‘Which one? Shakespeare?’My father laughed out loud. When my mother and sister came home, my father repeated it to them and also they laughed out loud. That was it. I was hooked. Making people laugh was thrilling.But, in those days, it was a lot more practical to get a job and earn a living. Having earned a living, I can now afford to do stand-up.

“And who better than a Life Coach to hear me out, see what I got, evaluate my delivery, assess my material and see if I will have audience appeal.It’s a lot to ask of you, Dr. Walsh, but I can’t count on the people close to me. They’d be prejudice and probably not completely honest.

Thumbs up. She gave me a thumbs up. I came to the right place.

“The ‘sculpting-cream-finger bit’ would be the start of my stand-up routine. Acknowledging that I’m not a kid. But I’m tired of all the old folks jokes. Enough making fun of seniors walking into a room and forgetting why, or dropping something and before bending down to pick it up, thinking ‘Do I really need that?’. Instead, I have all kinds of (AIR QUOTE) ‘funny’ from living this long and knowing a lot of people. For instance, Arnie Levin, an on-in-years cartoonist for the New Yorker magazine, had a motorcycle group of his contemporaries. Hell’s Angels? Hell no!Arnie’s group called themselves, ‘Schlemiels on Wheels’.

She laughed again, then wrote something on her pad, while encouraging me to continue.

“I thought of comic categories, like ‘I’m kidding … I’m only kidding.’That’s when I’d say something I thought was funny, but the person I said it to, didn’t agree. Ill give you a couple of examples.

“The mailroom in my building has a few bookcases filled with books that residents left for others to read and then put back on the shelves. One evening, I was checking the shelves and an elderly man seemed eager to look for a book. When he passed by me to get to another section of the shelves, an object grazed my hip. I looked over at him and saw something I hadn’t seen in years. Without censoring myself, I asked him, ‘Is that a telephoto camera lens, or are you just happy to see me?’

“The man was old enough to know that famous Mae West line.Okay, so I changed it a little to fit the situation. I thought that maybe he doesn’t understand English, until he told me he uses the lens to take close-ups of birds in the park. By then I knew better than to make any bird jokes.”

Dr. Walsh smiled and continued writing on her pad. Since I wanted - actually needed - her input about how far to go in terms of bordering on bad taste, I continued with…

“This is one of my best under-duress, non-appreciated ad lib lines, but I’m not sure about how comfortable an audience would be with a story this personal and graphic. I’m counting on you for your opinion.

“I was in my early 30s. I woke up on a Sunday morning and I was hemorrhaging. No joke.It was beyond scary. I called my primary doctor who called a gynecologist she knew and asked him to meet me at his office. He was there by the time I arrived.His nurse was also there. She helped me out of my bloodied clothes and into a hospital gown. As soon as I was stretched out on the examining table with my feet in the stirrups, the, yes, young and attractive doctor approached. Now, with the major amount of blood spewing out of me, and the doctor reaching in between my spread-apart legs, you would think I would make a joke about the parting of the Red Sea. But no. Instead, when he leaned over with his fingers inside me and his face about seven inches over my face, I said to him, ‘Come here often?’

“I heard a stifled laugh from the nurse in the corner of the room, but nothing from the doctor. When the exam ended, he said to the nurse, right in front of me, ‘I never saw anything like this’. Not exactly what a patient wants to hear.

“He gave me pills that he said would stop the bleeding and told me to eat some liver. The pills did stop the bleeding and I did eat some liver … with fava beans and a nice Chianti. I’m kidding.I’m only kidding.

The Life Coach seemed to be writing down a lot. I guess it was feedback notes for me. So I just continued…

“Another comic category I thought of is Private Jokes.We all have ‘em. A misheard statement or a crazy thing that happens that makes us laugh, usually with a family member or close friend, and it can become a Private Joke that’s used as a way to describe something. It’ll be easier to understand once I give you an example.

“I’ve had bouts of bronchitis since I was a young, skinny kid. When I would have a coughing fit, it would be hard to believe that the horrendous sound of me coughing came from me. Okay, all grown up and not so skinny, but with the same occasional blaring bronchial cough.

“Several years ago, I came down with bronchitis and, of course, the cough that went with it. My sister Joany was on a business call in our office. When I started coughing before I could leave the room, the person Joany was talking to heard the noise I made and said in a happy, excited way, ‘Oh, you got a dog!’

“From that day on, if someone had a cough or cold and one of us wanted to tell the other, we’d say the person’s name followed by ‘…got a dog.’

Dr. Walsh didn’t laugh and didn’t make a note. I guess it didn’t work for her. Maybe it’s because the story of how it became a Private Joke is funnier than how the Private Joke line is used. Maybe I’ll get her to laugh with real jokes.

“Stop me if you’ve heard this one. When was the last time you said that because you were about to tell a joke? Can’t remember? It’s been that long since you’ve told someone a joke? Now it seems to be left to the Internet users to pass around all kinds of humorous emails. Bu wouldn’t you like to experience the joy of telling a joke that makes someone laugh? Hearing that laughter in person or on the phone is a thrill? Here’s your chance to pick one or more of the jokes I’m going to tell, for you to tell someone else.

“You know YouTube and Twitter before it was changed to X and Facebook before it was changed to Meta… All three, YouTube, Twitter and Facebook were going to merge and be called YouTwitFace.

I can read Dr. Walsh’s lips as she writes down YouTwitFace. I’ll consider that a plus. She’s looking up at me, waiting for me to continue.

“For the non-techy seniors here, picture an elderly couple sitting on their patio. While sipping her glass of wine, the wife says, ‘I love you so much. I don’t know how I could ever live without you.’ Her husband hears that and asks, ‘Was that you or the wine talking?’ And she answers, ‘It’s me talking to the wine.’

She’s shaking her head as if to say go on.

“For all you pet lovers out there, listen to what happened when my friend took her Terrier to the vet. She and her dog were both taken to the examining room. Soon a Labrador came in, sniffed the Terrier for 10 minutes, then left. Next an Abyssinian came in, purred and stared at the Terrier for 10 minutes and then left.Finally, the vet came in, handed my friend some medicine, along with a bill for two hundred and fifty dollars.She gasped and asked, ‘Doctor, we’ve been here for 20 minutes and I get a bill for two hundred and fifty dollars?There must be some kind of mistake.’ The doctor said, ‘No mistake. Fifty dollars for the medicine I just gave you, one hundred dollars for the Lab Test and a hundred dollars for the Cat Scan.’”

That got a smile but no writing on the pad. I’ll try a joke that’s a little more women’s libish.

“The airplane took off and the flight attendant did her routine about seat belts and emergency exits. She finished her shpiel by saying ‘Now sit back and enjoy your flight while Captain Alyssa Bivens and the crew take you safely to your destination.’

“After hearing that, a nearby male passenger got the attention of the attendant and asked, ‘Did I hear you right? Is the captain a woman?’ She smiled and said ‘Yes. In fact, the entire crew is female.’

The passenger became outraged. ‘They should tell you that before you board the plane … before you buy a ticket. Had I known there were only women in the cockpit…’ ‘That’s another thing, sir, we no longer call it the cockpit. It’s now the box office!’

She laughed and immediately wrote something on that pad of hers.

“I have more jokes, but my hour with you is almost up and I think you’ve seen enough to tell me if I have what it takes to do stand-up.”

“It’s, what, 70 years since you got your father a beer?I hate to squash the dream, but I think it’s time to take up knitting. You going out on a stage… You’d be naked in front of an audience. Vulnerable. Unsafe. Defenseless. It’s too much to ask of yourself. Audiences can be cruel. Remember Rodney Dangerfield? He got no respect.

“Forget doing stand-up. Sit down. Enjoy not being under that kind of pressure. I know it’s not what you wanted to hear, but I’m saying this for your own good, your own well being.”

“And now, the Comedy Club on Columbus is proud to present a newbie. Yup! This is her very first time on stage. Put your hands together for retired Life Coach, Dr. Evelyn Walsh.”

APPLAUSE

“So I started noticing fine lines under my eyes that weren’t so fine anymore, and the deepening smile lines around my mouth were nothing to smile at. While wondering what to do about it, I was seduced into watching an online seemingly-endless infomercial, promising to repair and reduce the appearance of deep lines and wrinkles. Taking advantage of their 6-jar offer, I ordered and received the advanced action, anti-aging, micro-sculpting, wrinkle repair cream. Of course, I followed their suggested use by putting a nickel-size dab of cream on my finger…

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