Long Time Love

As the sun rose over the long horizon, I took a long, deep breath. Enjoying every moment of it. It felt cool, and almost like water, hurtling down my throat, into my poor, old lungs. Being 52 and having lung cancer has its pros, but mostly it’s cons. It taught me to appreciate the little things in life. Those times where I can breathe, and almost have a little spark of hope flare-up. Maybe my cancer has gone? No, the next breathe more painful than yesterdays, reminds me that I’m still holding on to life by a strand. I spent a good chunk of my time holding on to life a little too much. As a teenager, living on the edge was simply running down the school halls, or not asking to use the bathroom. My heart would start beating really fast, and my breathing was heavy and loud. The adrenaline going through my veins was enough to make me keep going. As soon as I got to my destination, I realized how awesome I was! To be breaking the rules, that was very unexpected of me. Now as I look back on my high school self, I noticed that I really never lived. Running through the halls was literally nothing special. I always took the safe route, no matter what. I didn’t drive on highways until my mid 20’s, I didn’t drink until I was almost 30, and children were too much for my mind to handle, let alone my body. As I sit in my lawn chair, on my front porch alone, I let the tear fall down my cheek, as I look back on the life I never lived.

I drove back to my old town. Wanted to look back on some of the good memories in life. The park where my friends and I would sit and make bracelets. The river where we would splash around and wash our hands after making mud pies. The McDonald’s where I would pick up something to drink, before heading home to do the dishes. Last but not least, the skate park. Out of everything in my dull life, the skate park is where I was the most adventurous and had the most fun. I went there all the time. Usually to study or meet up with friends. I only rode around there when my friend Jasmine came by with her skateboard. Jasmine was wonderful. Her long, brown hair would flow in the wind as I watched her skate down the road towards me. She had on her overalls, stained with paint, and was wearing a pair of Vans shoes. She wore a white shirt but was usually stained with some ketchup and mustard of course. She had the brightest smile and the loudest laugh. She was incredible. So incredible, that in grade 10 I asked her out. I was surprised to hear that she liked me back. It was great news! Until she continued her sentence by telling me her parents didn’t know that she liked girls. I knew if her parents knew, she would never be allowed to see me again. So for her sake, we remained as friends. 

In grade 12, a month before graduation, Jasmine said her goodbyes to me in the schoolyard. I was incredibly confused, as we still had 4 weeks before going our separate ways. She quickly told me how her parents found out she wasn’t straight, and she had to leave home before something bad happened to her. I was still in shock when she hugged me. I had no words. Only when she looked up at me crying, did I manage to say, “I’m sorry.” She ran away, leaving the yard, and just before she turned the corner, she blew me a kiss. Her hand left the pole, and I saw something fall down. I ran over and saw a necklace sitting in the grass. It was in the shape of a skateboard, and on the back had her initials. I simply sat in the yard holding that necklace and didn’t get up for a long, long time. I was mad, and hurt, but the only thing I wanted was to be with her.

After I graduated, I never really found someone as perfect as Jasmine. Everyone was, ordinary I guess. Ordinary like me. I wanted someone who might’ve been able to bring some light into my life. But after years, and years of looking, I never found someone. My parents tried to set me up with a guy when I was about 25, not knowing I was a lesbian, and of course, it didn’t work out. My parents didn’t really have high expectations for my future, and after a while just forgot about me. Besides, I was independent and living in a whole other city. They didn’t need me, and after a while, I didn’t need them. When they died 5 months between one another, I went back to my home town for the funerals. This was shortly before my 50th birthday, just before I was diagnosed with lung cancer. June 25th, 2018, I went into the hospital due to difficulty breathing. I came out a couple of days later, as a diagnosed lung cancer patient. That was the moment where I sort of gave up. My house was a disaster, I was just barely paying the house bills, and I had to trade my car in for something cheaper. An old Chevy truck. It was actually my dad’s truck that I found at a dealership in my old town. I saw it and knew I had to get it. It was cheap, and the lady working said I could have it for 10k. Apparently, the manager knew me somehow and wanted to give me a discount. I didn’t know who it was, but I was wasn’t going to ask questions.  

Fast-forward to now. I’m driving through my home town in my truck when I see the skatepark. I park on a side street nearby and walk to the park. The trees looked a little taller, and the grass seemed a little patchy. It wasn’t the exact same, but it was enough to comfort me in such dark times. I went over and sat on the bench next to a few of the skate ramps. I could feel the spring breeze flowing around my head, making it cold. Before I went back to my truck, I looked around the skate park a little more. I saw Tony’s wheel bearing still stuck between the rail and the ramp, and Emily’s sweater strand was still tightly wrapped around the streetlight. On my way back around the ramps, I saw some gold glitter. I remembered Jasmine and her friends loved using gold glitter on everything! Clothes, book covers, and even their own shoes. I looked a little closer and saw the glue, looking pretty new. The glitter was in the shape of a J. My jaw actually dropped to the ground. Was it just a coincidence? Probably. I remembered the red sharpie in my truck and decided to go get it.

The five-minute walk to go get it felt like seconds. I was so excited, thinking that Jasmine might actually be near here again. I’m still quite mad at her for leaving, but at the same time, I understand it was for the best. I walked back quite quickly and went back to the ramp with the glitter on it. I popped off the cap of the sharpie, and put the letter H. I never really was a fan of the name Hannah, but I learned to live with it. I kept the sharpie in the grass next to the ramp and left. I made the decision to stay at a motel in town and would check on the ramp tomorrow. 

I got back in my truck and headed to McDonald’s for something to eat. It was about dinner time. So I got a chicken sandwich with a Coke to drink, and a small fry. I pull up to the window, and the lady notices something wrapped around my rear-view mirror. She didn’t say anything, but I could see her eyeing the interior of my truck. I got my order and parked in the parking lot to eat it. I was not curious, what was she looking at? I checked around my truck and didn’t see anything until I finally got to my rear-view mirror. There was something shiny wrapped around it. I put down my food and tried to unwrap it from the mirror. It took me a minute, but I managed to get it off and it fell to the floor. I picked it up and saw it was a skateboard. I looked at the back of it and saw the letter J. In a second I put my truck in drive and sped to the dealership. Jasmine was here, and I had to find her.

I got to the other side of town in record speed and took the necklace inside. I asked the man at the desk for the manager. He seemed confused and asked why. I didn’t know what to say, so I just stood there with a weird look on my face. He sighed and called for the manager to come to the front desk. I could hear the voice on the phone, and they wanted to know who was asking for her. I yelled from the other side of the desk, “Hannah! Jasmine, I kn-”. My sentence was cut short by a series of long, painful coughs. The worker seemed concerned, but I put my hand up to signal I was okay. He put the phone down and said I could go through the side doors and see her. I said thank you as I was speed walking towards the doors. I opened them and saw a lady, with long, brown hair, and a pair of overalls, standing at the window with her back to me. I whispered, “Jasmine, it’s you.” She turned around with a smile on her face, and a tear rolling down her cheek. I could tell that she seemed surprised to see me bald, and quite skinny, but that obviously didn’t matter to her. She ran up and saw the necklace in my hand. She reached for it, and I held her hand with the necklace still in my grip. She looked at me, at our hands locked together, and back at me. She looked me in the eyes and kissed me. After more than 30 years, she finally kissed me. She pulled away and hugged me. We stood there for a bit. I could tell she was remembering us as kids, and I was doing the same. All the memories came rushing back, and I never wanted to let her go. 

Unfortunately, the moment didn’t last long, as I began to cough again. This time, blood was coming up too. What a way to impress the girl of yours dreams after 30 years. She grabbed ahold of me and sat me down. I told her in between coughs to call 911. She quickly grabbed the phone, and in a matter of minutes, we were in an ambulance, being rushed to a nearby hospital. I was getting dizzy, and eventually, I passed out. I woke up shortly, to see myself in the hospital. Jasmine was talking to a doctor just outside my door. She walked in to see me awake, and she looked worried. “You have, lung cancer?” I nodded my head yes. The doctor came in beside her and said I only have a few weeks, maybe a month or two left. Most of my time would be spent in the hospital, or in bed at home. I began to cry, thinking my home was too expensive, and I can’t afford to keep living like this. Jasmine came up and hugged me. She whispered in my ear, “You’re going to be staying with me now. I promise you don’t have to worry anymore.” I laid there for a while as they did more tests. Jasmine went to her home and prepared to have me stay for some time. I left the hospital the next day and saw her beautiful home for the first time. We sat in her living room and talked for nearly a whole day. We both had no kids, no partners, and no real lives. It was a relief to know I’m not alone.

For about a month and a half, I was in an out of the hospital. Jasmine did a great job at taking care of me, and for that month and a half, we did date. Every once and a while going to a nice restaurant or spending some time at the skate park, just talking. Around the end of May, I was too weak to leave the hospital. Jasmine spent a week with me, playing games and watching tv in the hospital room with me. Monday morning, at around 10 am, I gave up. I asked Jasmine to go and to leave me be. She held me in her arms, crying, saying she didn’t want to leave. I knew it was for the best she didn’t watch me leave this world. So, I reacher for her head, and whispered in her ear, “Jasmine, I’m sorry. I love you, so please, just let me go.” She looked me in the eye and nodded her head. She replied with I love you, and gave me one last kiss. As she walked towards the door, I took what little strength I had left and reached for my table, grabbing a necklace. “Jasmine,” I called out. She turned around. I threw her the necklace she gave me in 12th grade, and on the back next to her letter J, I scratched the letter H into the metal. I mouthed the words thank you to her, and she smiled and waved goodbye. 

Monday night, at around 11 pm, It was over.