By The Safety of The Wings

Humans have coined the term “wings” for the sides of the stage. I've always questioned why. Why use a word that already has so many other definitions, to represent something completely different. But is it all that different? With what seemed like a million butterflies in my stomach, fluttering around aimlessly, I might just about understand why they were called “wings”.

'I've done this an uncountable amount of times.'

This sentence was playing itself endlessly over and over again in my head. But something about this time just feels different. Maybe it was that the theatre was at least twice the size of what I'm used to. Or maybe it was because I was the lead role this time. Matilda. I was actually pretty old for that role, but I was just about the size of a midget anyway.

The thing about my production, is that we have two Matildas. Another girl played the same role yesterday while I played an ensemble part. It's funny how I'd hypothetically be doing the same thing, but from a different perspective. It's weird how your emotions change once your viewpoint changes, even though it's practically the same thing.

Funny thing is, my dad somehow managed to get into this production. He said he was going to join me to audition for fun, and he ended up getting cast as, Mr. Wormwood. Matilda's dad. So I've got a dad onstage and offstage now. There goes my one escape from my family.

“Nervous?”

Speak of the devil. I wanted to shout back “I think the answer to that is pretty darn obvious”, but held back. Sarcasm was typically my way of dealing with anything that was out of my comfort zone, but this didn't seem like the right time. I'm sure my dad was just trying to help. But a number of sarcastic comments were already forming...

“And don't be sarcastic with me now.”

Well, there goes 98% of my replies.

“A little. I had that beta blocker just now, for the sake of not ruining the whole show due to something as small and common as pre-show jitters.”

Are pre-show jitters really a small deal? I'm sure everyone has it. It's just the matter of how one would deal with it. I recall the pill I just swallowed. Typically, one would need to be prescribed. But I was lucky that I had doctors as parents. So after some simple convincing, my parents agreed to let me have one for the first show. Major stage actors and actresses mention that they use beta blockers to calm down before the show. But to be honest, I couldn't feel any difference whatsoever.

Maybe it's all in the head. No matter how much I breathe or shake, or even go so far to take a pill, it won't really help if I'm still panicking in my head right? Man sometimes I wish emotions and thoughts were as easy to control as the things we say and do on stage.

“Hey. Just remember, you're an actress. You have an impressive talent of acting on stage. Why not try a bit offstage? See if that helps.”

He smiled that familiar smile that only appears when she knows he said or did something right. I let his words sink in. Slowly, a character formed in my head. One that had all of my physical features, but stood a little taller. Her thoughts in her head weren't frantic and all over the place, but calm and composed.

Step one of analysing the character, done. Now, embodying the character. I put her thoughts into mine. I imagined myself as this person that I've created in my head. Suddenly, I was standing taller, more confident. My mind was focused and quiet.

But what if I'm stuck in this persona forever? I always witness teenagers have identity crises over acting to be someone they're not. What if that happens to me? What if I get so used to using this mask that one day, when I'm offstage, I break character. So much so that I lose myself.

Wow. The brain can do wonders when it's overthinking. Fantastic.

“CALLING ALL CREW AND PERFORMERS TO THE STAGE. CREWS AND PERFORMERS. TO THE STAGE.”

Well at least that will keep me occupied for a bit. Better than staring at myself in the dressing room mirror and manually crushing my self-confidence.

Upon arriving to the stage, there were multiple kids with colourful costumes chattering around. My costume was rather dull compared to theirs, but I guess that was the point. Crew camouflaged in pitch black clothes ran around trying to get things in order. Sometimes I wonder what is it like to be in the crew. Do they envy us for getting all the limelight or do they feel safe and secure behind the scenes?

I guess it depends on the person, whether they enjoy attention or not. And using a dash of common sense, the people that liked attention would be the ones performing while the people that didn't would be the ones backstage. But what if they're a mix? A stage crew that likes attention. Maybe the head of the stage crew? And a performer that doesn't like attention. Someone that generally prefers to be in the back row of the ensemble.

I feel like I fit pretty well in that category.

Then why am I here? Having something as common as pre-show jitters. I've been doing theatre for so long. Granted, they were small shows and I wasn't the lead. But still.

I saw the adult cast calmly walk in. Their aura of confidence and calmness was almost contagious. Almost. I saw Ms. Trunchbull perambulate around, her makeup and costume made her one of the most intimidating people in this room. I walked up to her just to catch up. She's one of the best mentors I have and unlike her character, she's a real softie for children.

“New Matilda to traumatise and torture today I see.”

“Really funny. I don't need your help to be tortured I already feel like dying on the inside. Pre-show jitters be turning into a full-on panic attack.”

“Hey calm down kiddo. You do great in rehearsals. Just do the same thing now. It just so happens there's just a couple people watching you enjoy your form of art.” His voice was so calm it was almost insulting.

“A couple people would be an understatement.” I could feel my voice dripping with its typical sarcasm.

Our director cut in before he could even reply. “Attention everyone! I hope most of you are warmed up and ready to do the show. As I'm sure most of you know, the role of Matilda will be played by Clara tonight and shall be her debut night in this role. So everyone, give her a round of applause. Clara, we all know you'll do great.”

The word panic suddenly seemed like an understatement now. Me, someone that isn't even five feet tall, is going to be leading this whole company. Doubt was seeping into my brain in every single crevice it could find. Our director was giving us a few pointers from yesterday's show but nothing processed in my head. What did it matter anyways? The show will probably be ruined no matter what.

Shut up. That voice of doubt was seriously starting to get really annoying. I can do this. Plus, it's not like I have a choice now anyway. No backing away from this now. Even if I do, that's just going to be an even bigger disappointment for the cast. It wasn't long until I realised our director dismissed us and it was time to get to places.

I went back to the dreaded wings. From there, I could just about see the audience slowly fill up the theatre. Focus, Clara, focus. You know everything by heart. Just trust your instinct and you'll get through the show fine.

Normally, logical thoughts like these are overridden by emotions.

Act your part. Calm down. You are confident. You are strong. And heck you're playing Matilda. One of smartest, confident, and headstrong character there is.

I ended up deciding to go through my blocking just to occupy my brain. All seemed calm and well until I heard the announcer's voice. But my frantic brain only managed to capture a few keywords.

“Ladies and gentlemen...starting soon...phones are off...no recordings...role of Matilda...Clara Jenkins...”

Another worldwide announcement about who's going to be the one to mess up the show. Fantastic.

The bell to the first song starts. I had the luxury of only coming on stage after 9 minutes, but have almost no break in between after that. I watched as my fellow cast members go on stage. Dancing and singing the staging that has practically been embedded into our brains and muscles after 6 months of rehearsals.

I watched as my dad prepared to go on stage for his scene. He flashed me an encouraging smile before putting on his facade of his character and walking on stage like a natural. I can't believe he didn't do much theatre as a child. He would've been a professional by now.

Everything will be leading up to me. I closed my eyes and pictured myself as Matilda. A British, 5-year-old, bookworm, genius, brave girl. I suddenly felt even shorter than I was but viewed the world with such confidence. Standing behind the safety of the wings, I know I had to leave and rely on my own wings eventually.

Nine minutes flew by way too fast. I was on stage, hiding behind the table waiting for my reveal. In my heart, I was completely freaking out. Pre-show jitters as one would say. But in my head, it was clear, and I was ready.

The tables parted and there I was. Dead centre. Walking down the stage, playing the part that I've been a part of for six months. All pre-show jitters were gone. Guess all of it was just in my head. It was just me, Matilda, and the audience.

Let's do this.