Lost Child

"It doesn't count if you're already planning your defeat." The girl in front of me says, her silhouette becoming blurier as the sun sets through the blinds behind her. Or is it really the darkness that makes her blurry? 

"But what if I lose? Then nothing is left of me." I look down at my lap as my fingers catch the tears cascading from my eyes. So it was not the darkness then. It was my tears starting to blur my vision. I wonder if my future is as blurred as the girl in front of me right now. 

"You will keep losing if you keep having 'what ifs'." I heard a sigh and suddenly more tears came. The girl in front of me doesn't say anything more. Instead I hear her own labored breathing as if she was crying with me. This is a typical scene for me. The girl is no stranger as well. I may never have the chance to get her name, but everytime I come here to be alone, she’s here. Not a minute too early or too late. She always arrives at the exact same time. Funny thing how fate works. Or is it destiny telling me that I am not alone with my fears?

I doubt though that the girl sympathizes with me. I'm as pathetic as I could get. I hide behind my 'what ifs' letting other people label me as lazy and full of excuses. I want to lift my head up and console the girl as her sobs begin to mirror mine. I want to tell her that there will be better days. But who am I kidding. I can't even see myself facing another day like this. A day where I drag myself awake and sit through my whole day in auto pilot. Only feeling the sadness when the starless night sky darkens my already darkened tomorrow.

"It's not even midnight and yet you're already giving tomorrow to nothing? Won't you at least try?" Her voice breaks at the last word as if saying it hurts her just as much as it does to me. Trying hurts the most because it's mostly failure in the end. 

"I don't know how anymore." Or I just can't. I can't because trying hurts just as much as not doing anything. So why should I even bother? Either way, I'll be hurting. Might as well hurt the easy way. 

I look up and see the girl with a smile. Her eyes though betray her. There is sorrow and regret in them. Her irises as dark as the sky behind her window struggles not to drown itself. As if it's blackness could somehow save her from her own struggles. I can see her welcoming the darkness even more as she stares back at me. The darkness scares me. Her eyes scare me. She scares me above all.

But then I realize that I am the darkness. I drag her down. I disappoint her. The sobs were my doing. She was crying for me. She knew we were the only ones in the room. It was either me or her that saves us both. But I know for a fact it can’t be me tonight. It was never me who did the  saving. One reason why I came here was to be saved. So why does she keep looking back at me as if I could save her? Because I did save her. Not once, but in most of the nights. What I thought was a recurring nightmare of crying out for someone to save me was my reality. And this night is no different. I am well aware that I am awake and the girl in front of me is real.

"I'm sorry." I tell her as I smile back with genuine happiness. I'm not totally going to lose. No matter what, I still have her. She never left even if I was drowning in my own darkness. She laughed with me. She cried with me. She has seen everything. I reach my hand out as she does too. Again, fate? Destiny? Just when I suddenly thought of forgetting myself and instead helping her out, she did the same.

"You have me. You always will. Even If all else fails, I'll be here to back you up. If you're tired, let me temporarily take the reigns from you until the time you can take them back." She reaches her hand out to me the same way I did. We both laughed seeing how we moved at the same time. As if we were one body, one mind, and one soul. As if I am her and she is me. 

I am her and she is I.

"Life goes on." I tell myself wiping my tears away as my reflection slowly becomes clear. I can see myself clearly now. No more tears to drown me. Me, myself, and I. 

I got this.

"No. We got this." I told the girl in front of me as we both turned our backs to each other and looked up at the moon. It's not so dark after all. We just needed to look away from ourselves because there's something to brighten the night someplace else. There are more possibilities as infinite as the stars. They might be hiding today behind all those rain clouds, but they’ll come back. They always do. Like the moon that changes its phase, it becomes whole again.  It may take some time but I now know the wait is worth it. The pure bliss once I get to that point of feeling full and yet more keeps coming. I won’t be just whole, but I’ll be more than what I am.

"Life goes on indeed."

I woke up with a migraine. Again, nothing really surprising. It’s also not surprising to see the girl from last night. Her hair in a messy bun, some strands falling and covering her red rimmed eyes. But she’s smiling. I smiled back and decided to open my windows. After feeling suffocated and almost drowning last night, we both needed all the fresh air we get and fill our lungs with it. Today would be another fight.

“I can’t promise anything.” I tell the girl as I face her back.

“Try.” She whispers as we both neared each other, her smile causing my own.

I think to myself the same thought that keeps bringing me back to her crying form in the dark. Would I make it?

“"It doesn't count if you're already planning your defeat." She answers back as if hearing my thoughts.