For me

I stare at my reflection. My eyes are swirling pools of hatred and disgust. I'm not looking at myself, I'm looking through myself. I cannot seem to focus and I'm dizzy and disoriented. I can feel the hum of blood coursing through my veins. I hear my heartbeat throbbing in my ears. My blood is boiling. My face is red with anger and I feel as though steam is lifting from my skin. I breath in deep to calm myself. There's a knock on the bathroom door, "Sadie, are y-you okay?" My sperm donor of a father stammers out.

"Fine, I'll be out in a minute." I growl.

"Take your time sweetie." He intones. Sweetie? Really? He doesn't know my personality traits, how dare he even say such words. My mother was the one who raised me, alone. She worked and raised me. That was her life as a 21 year old. No parties, no boyfriends, no life outside of being the best mother and father that she could be. I didn't always make it easy either. My teenage years were rough, not only for her but for me, like any teenager I assume. There were years where we literally could not be in the same room together without one of us crying. It was miserable, it was Hell. It was us. We got through it. Together. As mother and daughter and became closer for it. My mom is one of my best friends in this world and I respect everything about her. And now here's this man. This man that I don't know, and frankly don't care to know, showing up 21 years later to have a relationship with me? Ha! The audacity! I'm sneering into the mirror as I think of ways to tell him off. He showed up at my work at Applebees. No call, no warning. Just "Hey Sadie, remember me? I'm your dad." Like what?? Who does that? Selfish asshats, that's who.

"What do you want Troy?" I bark at him while he's trying to flirt with Amber, a busty blonde server. Ugh.

"I-I-I was h-hoping we could t-talk somewhere private?" He's clearly nervous and it makes me smirk with pleasure at his distress. Good.

"I have nothing to say to you. Anything I have to say will not be pleasant to, for or about you so I think you should just leave, shouldn't be too hard for you to figure out." I turn on my heel and start to walk away. He catches my arm and I turn on him with fury burning in my eyes. "Do. Not. Touch. Me." I enunciate each word. His eyes are wide with surprise and dismay. I don't care. He deserves everything I give him. He drops my arm and I blow past him without a second thought. Fuck him. I see him leave while I pour cocktails for the servers. My mind is whirling with emotion, mostly dark and cloudy feelings that I don't want to admit exist.

He got her pregnant and bailed. He got married shortly after and had two other kids that he raised in the same town as us. He never paid child support, he never came to any sporting events or school functions. When I was 5 he took me shopping for my birthday and then again at 12. After that I told my mom I didn't have a dad and that was that. She let me choose that for myself. The way I saw it, my mom was more than enough for me and any time spent with him was time I would lose with my mom. Time after all is something we'll never get back. 12 years old and I knew the value of time because of a dead beat dad. Sad, but a good thing to understand about life I think. So no, I was not going to give him any of my time. He hadn't earned it. He had robbed me of having a loving father. Fathers were supposed to be wrapped around their daughters fingers. They were supposed to dress up in princess clothes and tickle them until they peed their pants. They were supposed to threaten their boyfriends and hold you when your heart broke. I stoked my resentment for my father. I tended to it like a pet. I heard stories of his other children having a hard childhood because Troy was a pretty severe alcoholic who got angry when he drank. That made me feel happy. Not for his other kids getting hurt but because he chose to dump me and it sounded like I was all the better for it. My mom would never have allowed that. She would have killed him. Fierce savage woman. To this day, if someone hurts me she is so protective she would gladly rip their head off with her bare hands. But that's what mothers are for. They are our defenders until we can defend ourselves and even after if they can. I never needed a dad, and certainly not an abusive one, I have her.

I'm trying to unlock my apartment door when my phone rings in my jacket pocket, I scramble to answer the call and get into my place at the same time. "Hey mama! What are you doing up so late? it's like 4 hours past your bed time." I smile into the phone and check the clock, yep 11pm.

"Shut up brat, I'm not trying to be awake right now I just had an interesting conversation." She sounded sleepy.

"Oh yeah, one of those 1-900 numbers again?"

"Haha Sadie, no seriously Troy called me." I stopped short, they literally never talk, even when he came around the two times, she snubbed him completely and I didn't blame her.

"Okay, why?" I asked

"He told me about going into your work tonight and he said you scared the shit out of him." She sounded smug.

"Yeah, so?"

"You don't want to hear him out Sadie?"

I snorted into the phone, "Fuck no mom, you know how I have felt about him since I was 12. Why would that suddenly change now? And why are you even calling me about this? You know he's a piece of crap person."

"Sadie, I know and I know how you feel and you are such a strong, smart, beautiful woman. I love the woman you have grown into and perhaps he's wanting to know that person as well?" She says it tentatively like I'll aim my anger towards her.

"Yeah I bet! He does nothing to help raise me, I turn out good because my mother is a strong badass, and now he wants to know me?! Hell no. He could have been there to see and help shape me, maybe anyway, but he didn't. He walked away. He chose that. Time someone gave him a taste of his own medicine." I said matter of factly. My mom sighed heavily into the phone and she sounded exhausted. "Mom, don't even worry about this, it's not a big deal. I know where I stand with him and now so does he. Get some sleep okay? I love you."

"Sadie..."

"Yeah?"

"It's cancer, he has three months, maybe less. I know how you feel about him but maybe this will give you a change of heart, maybe not, but you should have all the facts before you make your decision." I stilled on the couch. My mouth went dry.

"Uh, okay mom, um wow, okay I'll think about it." I sputtered.

"Are you okay honey?"

"Yeah mom, it's just, well crazy. I'll call you tomorrow, I love you."

"I love you too." I hung up the phone and stared at the blank tv screen in front of me. Cancer. Dead. Gone. Not on this earth anymore. My brain was in shock. My heart hurt and that was a surprise and a betrayal. How can I care about this stupid man? Am I really this pathetic and weak? He has done nothing but decimate fatherly figures for me forever and now what? I feel sorry for him because he's going to die and somehow that gives him a pass on all of his shittyness? My resolve snaps back into place. No. This was not me. I'm determined to forget this and keep living my life. Keep working and reading and kayaking. I don't need this and he has two other kids, kids he was there for, to blubber over him. I'm good. Decision made I went to bed and slept like the dead. ;)

I paddled myself into the middle of the high mountain lake. The day was cool and cloudy and I was alone. I loved it. This is where I could think. Where I could be unabashedly myself. Troy had died three months ago and I hadn't cried. I didn't shed a single tear for the man I never knew. I wore my hatred like a life preserver. I was okay with that. This was the forth time I had come out here to read the letter he had written to me. Twice I put a rock in the plastic bag it was in and danced with the idea of sinking his last words to me. Both times I had stopped at the last second and put it bag into the kayak with disgust at my own cowardice. Today. Today I would read his wretched words and be done with it. I stuck my paddle next to my feet and pulled out the bag that held it. I took in a deep breath and tore the letter open.

Dear Sadie,

I am sorry. I am sorry for being a selfish coward and not being a father to you. You deserved better and I failed you in every possible way. I make no excuses. I don't blame you for not seeing me, even under the conditions such as they were. I am proud of you. I know I don't have the right to say those words. I had nothing to do with you becoming who you are, but nevertheless, I'm proud. I'm proud that you have some of my blood running through those steely veins of yours. I'm proud that you told me to get lost when I came to see you. You are a fierce woman and I wish I could say that had anything to do with me but we both know it does not. I'm proud that you have a strong mind and a will of iron. You are an impervious woman and any man lucky enough to have you will no doubt have to be a legend among men. Your mother is the same kind of woman, as you well know. She did an amazing job, in spite of me I think. I'm sorry again for the neglect and indifference that I showed you your entire life. I do not deserve your forgiveness and therefore shall go to my death knowing the resentment and hatred you hold in your heart for me. I would however ask a small favor from you, not that I deserve it. I ask that you let that hatred and contempt wash away from you, not for me, as I'll be gone when you receive this letter, but for you Sadie. You cannot grow into your full potential under the darkness of those feelings. They will consume you if you let them and I ask that you forego them, for you. That is my final request, that you forgive my atrocities against you, for you. That is the only gift I wish for as I leave this world a broken, small man. I'm sorry Sadie. Go now and grow in the light.

Troy

My hands are shaking as I read the final words and something in me breaks and shatters. I gulp and swallow the air around me trying to breath through the gut wrenching sobs that tear through me. I feel sharp blackened pieces of hate break off of my soul and my heart swells inside my heaving chest. My mind is dazzled at the brightness of the day I had thought was cloudy moments before. I clutch my hands to my chest as I feel the resentment cleave it's way out of me. The pain in blinding and then there's a blissful peace I have never known. I have never felt this light before. I'm smiling from ear to ear as I look to the sky above as a ray of sunshine spotlights me in the middle of that high mountain lake.

My eyes are leaking uncontrollably as I whisper to the sky "I forgive you, for me."