There's an Ick in Wicked, Right Guys?

Never let it be said that I wasn’t right behind her when she landed the role of Dot. I’d celebrated too, not that anyone noticed, for having returned from signing the contract, she was so lit up that, of course, it was she who commanded all the attention. But the victory stir was as mine as well, and before the champagne could be sent for, and the fans and Paparazzi arrived, and the corks began to pop, I’d already leapt up onto the sofa and made those Tik-Tok-tastic body-rolls, throwing my arms so high and wide, it had sent the spiders scuttling across the ceiling, abandoning their up-until-then safe-corner havens… So, yeah, at least I’d had some effect on them.

Her boyfriend, Garvey, although less exuberant, was also delighted. Her starring in ‘W’ – Isme Studio’s latest, bright as a harlequin’s button, family-friendly musical – meant her turning down ‘A Hundred and One Shades of Grey’ in which I’d been set to play alongside her, so that was me once again missing out on some long-overdue exposure. Still, since I wasn’t the raging green monster that Garvey was (he’d been type-cast as The Hulk in 2026 and had been stuck in the part for the last four seasons) and because I’d been forever-resigned to have her ‘do her own thing’, there was more chance of her breaking with him than she ever would - or could - with me, so however long I had to stay in the background this time around, there would be sunnier days to come, and I’d make my presence felt then.

But ‘W’? Oh, boy, that had me climbing the walls. Didn't get as far up as those youths did when they removed the three outer letters from its predecessor's showcased title in 2024, however this new production was wickeder than 'Wicked' despite the ‘U’ certificate, and don’t get me started on the original.

I might be wrong, but the switch from black and white to Hollywood’s so-called technicolour dream as it sparked into life in no subtle fashion in ‘The Wizard’ was, in as far as I see it, just the tip of the slippery slope for those like me who found themselves in the business, and from then on in, our slide into near-obscurity was rapid. Talk about fading us out, and so much for their vows of diversity and inclusion, but I guess one had to move with the times, give the audiences what they were led to believe they wanted, and the moguls obviously thought we’d had our day.

There was our song, of course - that was popular for a while, so a few of us did make it onto the stage to be regarded in our own right, but mostly we performed together, entertaining children in cutely comic routines. But what a far cry from the old film noir where our sharply-cast characters loomed large and menacing.

Hitchcock made good use of us, it has to be said, so all was not lost whilst he was still around, but after that, with the advent of computer animation, digital editing and what have you – all those touchscreen special effects – suffice to say we were regarded, for the most part, as surplus to requirements. What we could do, they reckoned, AI could essentially do better, so frankly, when it came to ‘W’, I was surprised I’d even made the final cut as an extra. ‘Follow, follow, follow, follow…’ just another faceless entity merging with the crowd along the golden, super-pixilated highway of conflicting information.

So, there was Dot, with her magical VR headset on, one which was said to determine the lies from the truths, negotiating all the twists and turns of this glow-bright golden road whilst trying to avoid the evil hacker’s pitfalls, potholes and traps to ensnare and misdirect her, to steal her identity (hence the title of the film – double you) and have her fall forever more into the dastardly dark web.

Of course, she was joined by the usual crew; the brainless troll, the bot without a heart, and the cowardly lurker who was basically just a round-shouldered Lurch, wardrobe having decided that due to this actor’s taller than average height (he was six foot nine) this was as good a chance as any to give the costume a long-awaited second outing. And as they pranced around the set, giving it large, as actors do, with me and the rest of the gang behind them, it became obvious then, just to what extent we paled into insignificance. The good Dot (whose character surname was Com, by the way, and might as well have been Con) couldn’t give a fig.

It was me who'd spotted her and the troll getting jiggy – and how they'd both darkened when I did so. The stand-off with Garvey came later. Him looking all jaundiced due to the poison-green Hulk paint never quite washing off, and the lumbering troll half in and half out of costume. She even made me get between them, not that it did any good. But then she'd turned and walked away, and for a while there, things were cool, her remaining–-- well, where the likes of me are said to belong when those who come before us take the spotlight.

Still, like they say, the show must go on, and before I knew it the cameras were rolling and… Oh no, I’d forgotten about the dog. Had to have one, didn’t they? Couldn’t do without. Never mind the age-old warning about never working with children or animals.

Okay, so the kids weren’t so bad, they walked over me a bit, jumped on me on occasion, poked fun and made the odd crude joke of my incidental gestures, but mostly they ignored me. But a dog! I’d had some terrible experiences with those. I could be lying flat out, minding my own business, but like their feline counterparts, the slightest jerk of my fingers or toes would have the more sprightly amongst them pouncing. And worse, I’ve even had them cock their legs against me in the street. And, oh my giddy aunt, what on earth had possessed the person responsible for this one to give it my name?

‘Here, Shadow, over here… There’s a good girl, come give Dotty a kiss.’

Lights upon us, I’d reached out and puckered up, only to see this giant canine silhouette leap onto the great blank screen to my right, and come bounding towards me.

Come back Hulk, all is forgiven. Come back Troll. But better still, please, please, please, somebody switch the lights off.