When A Princess Invades Your Kitchen, You Ask Questions

I dropped my spoon mid-bite. Not that I was in the habit of dropping spoons mid-bite (although that would make a rather interesting pastime, come to think of it), but for some reason, whatever that could be, a portal had opened up right in front of me, or at least, what I hoped was a portal. I saw stuff like this all the time on tv, why was it such a big deal now, dammit?

I picked the spoon from the ground, shakily, half-expecting some dreadful minotaur or god-forsaken creature to jump through. Then again, I was seventeen. We weren’t exactly known for our commendable judgement.

I threw the spoon into this swirly pink thing which I was assuming to be a portal. I heard it clatter from the other side. Okay, so wherever this goes, at least it has solid ground, I thought to myself. Stupid as I was, I resolved to explore. I grabbed my phone. This was an odd adventure to have, home-alone on a Saturday afternoon. If I survive this, at least I’ll have an interesting, out-of-this-world entry for any “What I Did During My Spring Break” essays I might be ambushed with when school re-opens, I thought to myself. And like that, in classic horror movie fashion, I stepped into the pink-swirly-mist-thingy-that-I-was-hoping-to-God-was-a-portal, without leaving any note to my parents or loved ones. Fun!

It was quite the opposite. I stepped in and saw a large palace-like place, it’s roof higher than any other structure I’d been to in person. I didn’t have time to marvel at it, though. All I did have time to notice was a warrior-like creature with pink-coloured hair charging to me from afar, bigger beings chasing closely after her. She screamed—wait, she?

Nowhere to run, I decided it was best to get back home before I became some cannibals’ lunch. I picked my spoon and jumped back into the pink-swirly-mist-thingy-that-I-was-hoping-to-God-was-a-portal, the warrior lady jumping in after me. Before you could say Jeconiah Winnington, she pulled out a fancy-looking trinket from her pocket and used it to shut the portal, leaving me trapped with her, with her panting heavily. I did what any other bold man-of-the-house would do.

“Mommy!!! Mom!!! Moooo-” she slapped her hand over my mouth. Oh right, I’m home alone. “Who are you, what are you, why the heck do you have a portal-opening remote where the heck was that and what the heck is going on?!” I said.

But of course, since the intruder’s hand was still on my mouth, all that could be heard was my muffled “mmmm mm mmmm, mmmm, mmmmsmm uh mmsmmmmm vmmdmsmmmmm?” which was hardly intelligible.

It was at this moment that I took the time to examine my captor. Her hair was pink (well, this was already established) and her eyes were a bright brown. Her lips were rosy, but not too rosy. She had the aura of one who had never been kissed before and intended for things to remain that way. Above all, she was unlike any girl I’d ever seen before. Almost, alien?

“Forgive my mannerlessness” she said, releasing my mouth from its captivity, her panting slowed down. “I am Princess Minkelnovia Grenisimericia Yodela Jophenia Lopetia The Third, however you may address me simply as Minkie” she said with a deep curtesy. How exactly do you react when an interdimensional warrior-looking lady barges into your home via portal and expresses enough decency to address herself as ‘Princess’, complete with a curtesy? Bow, perhaps?

“I, um bl- f-” I was stuttering when she burst into laughter. “Relax, human. I don’t bite. Sorry that whole princess thing caught you by surprise. Daddy says I have to introduce myself like that to every visitor from another earth. Strict Krendonian rules, I’m afraid.”

“Krendonian…?” Oh, adequate, my tongue was working again! “Is that like an African nationality I’m not aware of?” She cocked her head to the side.

“You’re one of those, isn’t it?”

“Those?”

“When I say those, I refer to oblivious men in general.” Ouch?

“Krendon is one of several alternate universes. Yours is Earth, mine is Krendon, others include Hatawi, Lingardia, Binx, etcetera. We mirror your planet, however, a little differently.”

“So, what you’re saying is... alternate universes really exist?”

“Try to keep up, will you?”

I picked my spoon from where I left it and moved towards the sink, not taking my eyes off Minkie for a second. She could be an inter-dimensional serial-killer, after all. I wouldn’t want to take the chance. I rinsed the spoon and sat where I’d sat before, stabbing my ice-cream once again with my spoon. I raised it to my mouth and glanced at the princess. She was staring at me now. Exasperated, I stabbed my ice cream once again with the spoon, facing her again.

“Minkie, right?” She nodded. “Your Krendonian technology, from what I see is quite advanced, and you yourself seem rather well-acquainted and familiar with the posh life. So, of all places to flee to, why pick Earth? And more importantly, why my house?”

“How can you tell our technology is advanced?” she asked, her star-like eyes narrowing infinitesimally. I cocked my head this time.

“Well, for starters, there is fact that you have developed portal-opening devices” I said, pointing at the pocket where she’d dropped the trinket. “Also, you’re wearing a bracelet which looks a lot like something made with Kowlog.”

“How do you even know what Kowlog is?”

“Well, my father’s a scientist, and he babbles a lot about work stuff with Mom. A hot mess—the both of them, but you learn to live with it! Also, I have access to the internet. Kowlog is an extra-terrestrial element that was discovered by some astronauts a few decades back. For a Kryptonian—”

“—Krendonian.”

“—right. Krendonian. My bad. For a Krendonian to have this much access to it, then you guys have to be quite advanced.”

“You’re perceptive.”

“And you’re pretty.” She brushed her hair away from her face and smiled, with her teeth.

“Now that we’ve established that you guys are better than us, do you mind answering my question? You are still in my kitchen, you know.” She didn’t seem to realize that last part till I had said it, just beginning to look around.

“Woah. Earth really is ugly.”

“Dammit! Just because I may have neglected my chores for a day or two gives you no right—absolutely none—to insult my home. Why are you here, anyway?!” it was just beginning to dawn on me that a portal had opened in the middle of my kitchen and a very impolite alternate-earth-princess, or alternate-earth-serial-killer(it was still rather debatable, okay?) had jumped out of it. Shit, mom’s not going to believe me if I explain this to her. 'The fact that there’s a strange pink-haired lady in the middle of your kitchen, you mean?' Oh, shut up, conscience!

“Fine.” Said the princess, propping herself up on the kitchen counter. “I guess I’m beginning to sympathise with your logic. My name is—”

“I think we’ve established names” I interrupted.

“Not really. You never did tell me yours.”

“I never felt obliged to. But for the record, my name is Javion. Do proceed,” I said with mock bow.

“Okay. Well, as you know so far, I’m princess of Krendon, but I have failed in coming around to how I winded up here in the first place.”

“No shit, Sherlock.”

“Well, my mother, Astoria, disappeared a few months ago. Father searched for her with the best of Krendonian technology. We’ve searched for her in every inch of the universe, except here that is. Earth has always been looked down upon in our Multiverse. A bloody planet with remarkable levels of hatred and bloodshed. And unsophisticated technology. Mother could never wind up here. At least, that’s what Father keeps saying. I choose not to believe that. We have searched literally every other planet. There’s always the chance that she’s winded up here.”

“So, that’s why you’re here? To search for your mother, the Queen Astoria?”

“I’m on Earth, so I’m obviously going to deal with that. But that’s not exactly why I’m here. You see, when my mother disappeared, Father claimed I needed ‘securing’. I never set foot outside the palace without at least ten guards. A guard watches me as I sleep. A guard waits outside my bathroom while I bathe. It’s all so—frustrating!”

“And that’s why I saw you—”

“You know, Javion, you sure seem to interrupt a lot.”

I sighed.

“Proceed.”

“Thank you, Javion, you know, you’re actually turning out to be quite the gentleman.”

I glared. She beamed.

“Alright, so, as all over-sheltered teenagers do, I decided to talk to Father. He wasn’t so sympathetic towards my proposal to have all the bodyguards executed. Neither was he sympathetic towards my proposal to go on a solo search to find Mother. Rather, he deemed it fit to literally lock me up in a tower to prevent any more of such unladylike thoughts from filling my head. He had intentions to send me over to the Royalty Reformatory over in Binx. Any rebel’s nightmare. Fortunately, the idiotic Fazar left the Roover on the person of one of the idiotic guards—”

“What’s a Fazar? And what’s a Roover? What does it do? How did you even get it du—”

“Details, do they really matter?”

I gave her a look that would freeze a volcano twice over.

“Okay, fine. The Fazar is the chief of guards in Krendon. He had to leave because he had some…food poisoning, so he gave the Roover to the guard who was on duty in front of my tower room’s door. You see, the Roover is the most fragile and sophisticated of all our Krendonian technology. It’s still quite new, and only one exists. It does things for the wielder that would blow anyone’s mind.

Grappling hook, sleep gas, laughing gas, normal gas, invisibility cloak, formidable weapon, portal opener, teleporter…it really is an all-in-one package.”

“Wait…portal opener? That means—” she pulled the trinket out of her pocket.

“Bingo. Don’t ask how I got it though. That’s a story to be told in a whole other book.” She shuddered at what I was supposing was the memory. I shuddered too, imagining the memory.

“So, then what?”

“After I got the Roover from the guard, things were easy. I teleported myself to the main palace, to work things out with Father. He barely even gave me the chance to speak before ordering his guards to grab me and put me on the next shuttle to Binx. So of course, I ran from them. It was a painful chase. I can’t recall ever having to run that hard before. I kept fiddling with the Roover, trying to see if there was any button or something that could put the guards to sleep. I hit one and it cloaked me, made me invisible, then I hit it again and I was visible again, except that my gown was gone, and I was now cloaked in Krendonian armour, which you see me in now.”

Oh!

“The guards gained on me eventually, and I hit a random button which opened up a portal which you jumped out of, then saw me screaming in shock, then jumped back into it…”

The pink-swirly-mist-thingy-that-I-was-hoping-to-God-was-a-portal!

“I had no clue where I led to, but, seeing as you were a life form, I deduced that maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea to go in. I jumped into the portal and saw an endless swirl of pink. Next thing I hear is robotic voice that says, ‘Kowlog detected. Hello, Princess Minkelnovia Grenisimericia Yodela Jophenia Lopetia The Third. Destination: Earth. I wish you a safe trip.’ And then I popped out here, quickly tapping the button to shut the portal behind me. Then you started screaming like a man-baby and I had to shut your mouth and—”

“Okay, okay, I’m pretty much caught up, thank you very much. But one thing doesn’t add up though.”

“Which is?”

“I’m quite sure I have no Kowlog bracelet, but when I jumped through that portal, I heard the exact same thing; only difference was the name. It called me ‘Prince Javion Trabel of the Golden Tranga…Trion….”

“...the Golden Trangard??” Minkie’s eyebrows darted up in shock.

“Yeah, that’s what was said. What is the Golden Trangard?”

“Javion, your parents aren’t by any chance Florencia and Larrison are they?”

“Yeah, they are. Problem?” At that moment, the doorbell rang. I froze.

“Big problem,” she said.