Leaving It All Behind

Story contains sexual violence, violence, and gore.

I stepped onto the train, turning around to see my parents. They were standing there on the pavement tears pooling up in their eyes. “I love you!” I said, they mouthed it back and I hurriedly turned the corner before they could see the tears start to form in my eyes. In my rush I bumped into a man in front of me who looked down at me with a sneer. “S-sorry.” I stammered. He turned away and squished his massive heft into the bench seat. I slowly walked up the aisle and slid into an empty seat.

The train car I was in was, I wouldn't say cramped as the man bumped into and I were the only two in this car, but the way the seating was crammed into the car, there was only a narrow path down the aisle, and the room down the aisle was just enough for a petite girl like myself, if the big guy tried to go further he'd have to walk sideways.

I stuffed my hands into my pocket and leaned back closing my eyes. “Ma’am?” A voice said and I jerked my eyes open. I looked over and my heart started to race, and my forehead became flush as my eyes took in the man wearing a police uniform in front of me.

My mother's words floated in my head. “Don’t get flustered seeing a police office, it’s suspicious. Treat them like you would any other person.”

I took a deep breath and… giggled. “Sorry officer, I must've zonked out.”

“Officer?” The man laughed, his laugh was melodic. “I'm just train security. I'm sorry for waking you but I need to see your ticket.”

I nodded, feeling my cheeks brighten. “Oh, yes!” I said. My heart racing more now from embarrassment. I pulled the crumpled ticket from my purse, smoothing it over my knee to flatten it handing it to the security man.

He took a cursory glance at it and handed it back. “Thank you! Please enjoy your trip.” He said and made his way back towards the back of the car. I looked around and noticed the car had two others. A mother and a sleeping toddler in the seat across from mine.

“This is bullshit!” A voice roared behind me. I looked back and the hefty man was screaming at the security man. Shoving a piece of paper, presumably his ticket, into the nice man’s face. “Is this good enough? Do you trust I didn't sneak on? I'm no fucking thief!”

“I’m sorry sir, didn't intend to offend you, just have to check the tickets of everyone riding.”

“No, you singled me out because I'm fat.”

“No sir, but if you don't calm down we'll have to ask you to leave at the next stop, and if need be we’ll involve the authorities…” My face flushed and I felt a chill crawl up my spine at the mention of authorities. “…We don't want that, you paid for your ticket, just sit back and please enjoy your trip.” The security guy left without another word, and with that the toddler started bawling.

Blood. Blood was everywhere. It was all over my hands. They were shaking. What did I do?

I woke up falling out of my seat, thumping into the aisle. I was covered in sweat. The dream never left me, I fear the dream never will. The mother looked over at me. “Darlin’ you okay?” She asked. I looked up.

“Nightmare.”

“Oh, it's gon’ be alright.” She said. Her thick Southern American accent produced a calm effect. “Life is always harder in the mornin’.” She said with a motherly smile.

I shook my head. Standing up and slipping back into my seat. “It’s not going to be alright.” I said.

“You runnin’ from something, someone?”

I nodded. Looking at my hands. “My ex-boyfriend.” I said and clamped my lips shut.

She nodded. Rubbing her hand on her baby's head. “Come over here, talk to me.” She said motioning me over. I slipped across the aisle. Her charm was disarming. “You’re so troubled, tell me about it.”

I took a breath. Knowing not to reveal too much. “My ex raped me.” I said.

“Darlin’ that's just horrible.” She said, planning a gentle hand upon my cheek. “Did you tell the proper authorities.”

I looked down at my shoes. “Of course I did. They didn't respond properly.”

“Meaning they didn't give two shits.” She said, anger emanating off her. The train rattled as if it too was angry at this outcome.

“Exactly. They asked if I went to the hospital and got tested, and this and that.” I shook my head. “It was all too much.” I said feeling tears start to form. “I had no proof and he was an upstanding member of a football team, we couldn't possibly ruin his life, but ruining mine is okay.” I roared.

“The system is like that.”

I looked down at her baby. “I was pregnant.” I said looking up at the child in her arms. “I got an abortion, I didn't want to bare his kid, I didn't want anything to do with him. When he found out he was livid.” Tears were pouring now. “I don't regret the abortion, I regret him finding out. He cornered me. He tried to rape me again.”

“He tried?”

I had said too much. I grasped at the hem of my skirt, pulling it down. “Yes, he tried.”

I looked her in the eyes. “Did you?”

Less than a day in my journey and I'm already coming clean. This must be a record for worst criminal alive. “I killed him.” I said. Remembering the knife I had used. The blood soaking my hands. The life leaving his eyes as I stuck the blade into his throat. Again and again. I was hyperventilating. “I couldn't go through it again.” I said, tears flowing down my face.

A gruff voice emerged behind my ear. “That's horrible.” The mother and I both jumped as the hefty guy leaned forward, we were so enthralled in the conversation that we didn't know he had moved up. “Please tell me you castrated him.”

“No, I cut his throat to ribbons.”

“Good girl.” He said ruffling my hair.

“You ruining from the law?”

“No. Not anymore.” I said, looking out the window. “I'm done running.” The train starts to slow, and I look up and out at the station. “I’m done looking back, I'm going forward.”