The Baby Bubble Bum Bot Infant Rocker Soother Feeder

NEW! The Baby Bubble Bum Bot Infant Rocker Soother Feeder rocks, feeds, and soothes your infant who can't seem to get over his need for human contact. Perfect for getting a moment to yourself during a busy day.

Product features:

+ Responsive soothing motion to mimic what it would be like if his mother bothered to pick him up.

+ Programmable bottle feeding function if you're not breastfeeding, which you really should be.

+ Library of songs and stories for infant brain development — you know how important that is, right? (Monthly subscription fee applies.)

+ Just $1200 plus shipping! Free returns! Only it won't fold back up into the box so maybe just put it in the basement, along with the floor seat and the formula dispenser and all the other things you bought after desperately searching “four month old sleep regression??” at 3 a.m. FUN FACT: We pay extra to show up in those results.

+ What else are you gonna do, put him in daycare? One of those awful places that'll ignore him when he cries, like you read about when you were 8 months pregnant?

+ Those are $24,000 a year at this age anyway, so our price tag doesn't look so outrageous now does it?

+ Calendar feature with reminders to help you remember everything you’re supposed to do on a max of three consecutive hours of sleep. Make sure you get groceries tomorrow!

+ But wait, did you know there’s arsenic in the brand of pureed mangoes you bought last time? Maybe you should dig out the baby blender from the basement and buy fresh mangoes to make your own baby food like you thought you would do for your older kid until you ended up feeding him the processed prepackaged whatever he’ll actually eat without a fuss. You have all that free time now.

+ We’re not saying you should have known better, but if you follow baby bubble bum bot infant soother feeder rocker on social media, we’ll teach you 10 secret tricks for avoiding picky eating. Hint: You’re already doing number six wrong!

Assembly:

+ Assembly will take two people 2-4 hours to complete, not accounting for each time you're interrupted to fetch a bowl of fish crackers or feed the baby or make a car go vroom. You're not going to turn on the screens for this right? You have standards.

+ Maybe you can work on it overnight since you're not sleeping anyway.

+ Or maybe your spouse can do it after working all day instead of spending time with the kids!

+ To operate the product, press and hold the center button. Keep holding. Press again. It can’t possibly be broken straight out of the box. Dig through this manual to find the customer service number, which will ring and ring while we have a good laugh.

+ Product will make a loud beep to indicate operational status regardless of whether your easily startled baby has already been placed in the seat.

+ No, there’s no way to turn that off.

Warnings:

+ Product uses material known to cause serious injuries to infants as well as the exact kind of batteries you're out of at the moment.

+ Do not let infant sleep in the Baby Bubble Bum Bot Infant Rocker Soother Feeder. Move him to his flat, cold crib, which will wake him up, and ruin whatever plans you had to eat or shower or clean the house during his nap. Might as well go to the store now!

+ Do not expect any help — even for a 10-minute trip to the store — especially not from your own mother, who moved to Florida or Arizona or wherever to post conspiracy theories about vaccines and the Great Pyramids. (Product cannot spread election misinformation; check back with us about Gen 2 though).

+ Do not expect it from your in-laws, who can't afford to retire despite working since they were 17. Baby will see them once a year at Christmas. Don’t think about how there’s only two months till Christmas and only a dozen or so Christmases after that where the kids will want anything to do with you.

+ Don't expect help from anyone else either, because to ask anyone for help would be to admit weakness, and you aren't weak, are you? Never mind that you had a serious medical event just a few weeks ago — hauling that carseat and that diaper bag and the toddler into the car is the best way to get your figure back!

+ Or is it all too much, to send your emails and keep to a pumping schedule and do chores and errands and create enriching summer activities for the toddler and exercise and date your spouse while soothing, rocking, and feeding your infant? Practice self care and take a few deep breaths before operating the vehicle.

+ Ignore that nagging voice that it's not supposed to be like this, so hard and so lonely, the suspicion that in another time or another kind of world you might have raised children alongside your friends, or left them in the care of village elders, maybe. Push the thought out of your head so you can hiss at the toddler to quit using the freezer doors as monkey bars.

+ Under no circumstances admit how tired you are when strangers in the store ask if he’s a good sleeper, which is a completely normal expectation of a baby. Their babies were good sleepers, thank God, so you must be the problem.

+ Avoid crying in public. It'll upset baby after he just got to sleep. Choose between waking him up again to get him back in the car, or standing under the awning in front of the store to keep him out of the rain while he finishes his nap. Sure, let the toddler stomp through the puddles till he’s soaked — he probably won’t get sick again.

+ You forgot to get the other brand of pureed mangoes.

+ You're crying again. Hopefully the passersby think it's just the rain.

Stressed? New for adults from the makers of the Baby Bubble Bum Bot Infant Rocker Soother Feeder! Try the soothing rocking Sleep Pod for adults — now with noise canceling material, so no one can hear you scream.