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Funny Contemporary Crime

Hello there Instagram!!!

Just stopped by to tell you that--

My little girl is officially graduating from high school today!

Now you know Jed and I *refuse* to spoil our children #GoodParenting but since Kysa has gotten into *every college she applied to* we thought we’d reward her with a #BrandNewCar

As you can see, we chose her favorite color--Burgundy. The dealership didn’t have any cars in that color so we had a little custom number done up. She was so excited to take a photo with her new car that she nearly forgot to put on the brand new outfit I got her the last time I was in Paris for work. Yes, it’s #Couture but it’s never too late to help your daughter develop a sense of style #Fashion #HighFashion #Werq

After we take a few more photos that I’ll be dropping in a slideshow later this week, we’re going to grab dinner at the new steakhouse that opened in town #RogersSteakhouse because you know the Palladsen family loves a good meal with good company. That’s why our friends @SenatorBroderick and his new wife Christa will be joining us at dinner and possibly discussing my husband Jed running for the Congressional seat that’s about to be opening up #GovernmentSecrets #Shhh!!!

That’s why, unfortunately, I will not be able to attend my #20YearReunion tonight, but believe me, I am there in spirit!  When you’re running a household, being a mom, and potentially helping your husband change the future of America, you can’t always get to all the events you’d *like* to get to #BusyMomLife but I’ll be seeing you all in at the 30th Reunion and hopefully by then life will slow down a bit, am I right???

#LoveMyLife #LearnLaughLove #WifeLife #BlessingsAndBeauty #SweetSixteen

*  * * * * * *

I just wanted to thank all of you who reached out to check on me and Jed after the trauma we experienced while in the Maldives.

While we are fine #ThankGod #GodInAllThings our yacht, the S.S. Holly (Yes, named after me, Jed insisted, he’s such a kook, but he’s my kook #MyKook) has been permanently decommissioned after striking another yacht belonging to teen pop singer @JumpFast. No hard feelings towards Jump for not moving his yacht fast enough. Those things are large! We all had a good laugh about it, because what is a yacht but another thing? Things can be replaced.

And speaking of replacements--

If you swipe left on the photo of the S.S. Holly above during her better days, you’ll see a photo of the newly christened S.S. Holly Jr!

Yes, Jed went out and bought me another yacht when he heard how upset I was that we wouldn’t be able to do our usual trip through the Mediterranean this winter. #MyKook just hates seeing me sad even though I would have been very happy to stay home with him and cuddle in our #BrandNewHome!!!

Yes, that’s right, we bought a new house after Kysa went off to college. Like many empty nesters, Jed and I looked around after dropping Kysa off at #Yale and decided we needed a bigger nest. Keep swiping for photos of our pool and tennis court. I plan to take a few lessons with none other than superstar tennis player @ScottMasada1 but only to keep myself in shape, because as you all know, good health is so important.

That’s why I wanted to bring your attention to the plight of my dear friend Judy, who, for some reason, has decided *not* to be on Instagram #OfftheGrid which is a real shame because Judy is currently going through a health crisis and needs your help. She wouldn’t want me telling you all the gory details, because her struggle is personal to her, so I won’t be telling you her diagnosis or what she has #Cancer #DownWithCancer #WheresOurCure but I would ask you to scroll down to the comments section and click on her GoFundMe so that you can donate and help offset some of her medical costs. I, myself, would be making a donation if not for all the money Jed and I just sunk into the new yacht and the new house and the custom-made toilets we’re installing in our guest house. Judy is such a peach, and even though we lost touch after high school, a photo of her in the hospital popped up on my feed as I was looking for photos from the reunion #WhereAreTheReunionPhotos #WhatAreYouHidingQuarryHigh? and I knew I just had to help in any way I could. Illness is no laughing matter. Not like--

#TheSlipUp a new comedy coming out next week from Sunlight Pictures. Jed and I got an advanced copy of the film, and wow, I was #RollingOnMyNewMarbleFloor holding my sides, because it is *just* that good. You have to see it, because supporting #GoodArt is so important during these troubling times.

By the way, @JumpFast I’m still waiting for you to follow me back!!!  

#FastJumper #Yacht2Yacht #CrazyLifeButIWouldntHaveItAnyOtherWay

<3 <3 <3

* * * * *

The face you see in the photo above is the face of a woman who has no make-up.

Yes, I may have just been asked to model for a *very popular* make-up brand after bumping into its founder at the Women in Power seminar I hosted and curated, but I am #NotAfraid to show you who I really am #TrueWoman #WomenInPower even without all the bells and whistles #Bravery

Speaking of #BellsandWhistles, my good friends at #WhistlesRUs wanted me to let you know that they’re having a half-off sale on all items in their store, including whistles and probably some other things. I’m not sure, as I’ve never been in there, but I hear it’s *wonderful.*

Now show me what you all look like without make-up on. Come on, ladies, let’s be #Proud of who we are before we announce our partnership with a make-up company that may or may not be having us do a full-page ad in Vanity Fair

#CleanFaceCleanLife #WokeUpWonderful

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

* * * * *

Now it *may* look like in the photo above that Jed and I were at the house of a rather controversial business owner who *may* or *may not* have said some offensive things about women, liberals, the Swedes, climate activists, men who wear shorts, and dairy farmers, but I can assure you that we did *not* know it was this person’s party we were at when this photo was taken. We were asked to attend by our dear friend @SenatorBroderick who is no longer on Instagram because he is laying low due to the #RumorsAndLies spread about him and some campaign donations he unknowingly accepted #Politics

#MyKook Jed is still interested in a run for Congress and that means sometimes you end up places you’d rather not be and get absolutely stunning photographs taken of you in your new Stanley Wallander dress--of which there are only five in the entire world.

Jed and I just sick over this entire misunderstanding, because we love dairy farmers, and would never want them to think otherwise.

In fact, I’m partnering with @DairyFarmersofAmerica to tell you all about how much I love #Milk and #MilkProducts. Click on the link in my profile for more information about how #Milk and #MilkProducts can change your life just like it changed mine.

And please, don’t believe everything you see on the Internet unless it’s coming from a #TrustedSource like me, your friend, Holly.

#MilkProducts

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

* * * * *

No, my friends, your eyes do not deceive you!

That is a photo of my amazing daughter Kysa back in her old bedroom, scrolling on her phone, and not paying any attention to me.

I should explain.

Kysa had a little problem at college with #UnderageDrinking and so she’s back to #Reflect and #Rediscover who she wants to be now that she’s taking a little break from Yale. Some might call it an *expulsion,* but in our family, we’re referring to it as #AnOpportunity You know here at the Palladsen house we find #SilverLinings in everything!!!

Much like the S.S. Holly a few months back, Kysa’s new car was, tragically, totalled in an accident that was mostly not her fault. A few drinks may impair a person’s judgment, but there is absolutely no need for there to be so many utility poles up and down the road you take if you’re going from Yale to the off-campus liquor store. We’re considering a #Lawsuit against the town and the electric company, but for now, we’re just so glad our baby is okay and back home where she belongs--for the time being.

Now, if you swipe to the left, you’ll see a photo that’s been making the rounds. I know many of you would not expect me to draw attention to this photo, but I can assure you, it does not bother me at all, because I know my husband and #MyKook and this photo is not what it looks like. Those two women with him are both *dear* friends of our family and there’s nothing torrid happening other than three people having a good time without their shirts on. Honestly, when did #Society get so stuffy? Can’t you hang out with your buddies even if their tops are off? Why are we, as women, so quick to #Shame other women who don’t feel like constraining their breasts inside of a bra and top? I think that’s the conversation we need to be having #ImportantTalks #ThingsToThinkAbout

Anyway, Jed will be posting his own response to the photo, but I just wanted to let all my friends know that all is well with me and the fam. Oh, and Judy reached out to me, and #Praise she’s doing much better. She did, however, ask me to take down that photo of her, because she said I crossed some sort of line and that apparently I #Bullied her in high school, which I do not remember at all. That’s why I’m partnering with @MemoryLossSuplements because if you’re like me, so much of your life is just one big gray area that you’d like to have access to again.

Or maybe not! Who can say? Maybe we should leave some things in the past. Maybe we should just live in the past when everything seemed simpler. Just my take, folks. #MyTake #MyOpinion #LiveYourTruth

Be sure and check tonight for my evening video on how to cook a healthy dinner for a hung-over former college student who won’t stop telling you to leave her the eff alone LOL

#TheyGrowUpSoFast #HealthyDinner #MomStrong

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

* * * * *

Don’t panic.

Kysa and I are fine. The photo above is what the house looked like after we evacuated. I assume Jed is fine too, but it’s hard for me to say that with much certainty, because I haven’t spoken with #MyKook since he ran off with those two women from my last post on the S.S. Holly Jr. with all our money and money he’d taken from his now-defunct campaign as well. That’s right. My husband will not only *not* be going to Congress, but I doubt he’ll even be my husband for much longer.

And then we have #TheFire

I have *no idea* how it started, but Kysa has been chain-smoking lately, and I’ve decided to do it with her, because #IfYouCantBeatYourKidsJoinThem so perhaps it was a wayward cigarette, although I’ll never admit to that in court, because the insurance money I’ll be getting for the house is all I’ll have to live on now that Jed is gone. That’s why I’m making this profile private, so none of you better rat me out #SnitchesGetStitches even though I swear I had nothing to do with the #AllegedArson

The agents investigating Jed are now here speaking with the agents investigating #TheFire and everybody wants to talk with me, but I’ve chosen to opt for #SelfCare in this moment, and make s’mores instead over by where the sitting room used to be. If you swipe left, you can see Kysa roasting marshmallows as well, and, as usual, we’re #MakingTheBestofThings

Kysa has my favorite blanket around her shoulders from @MauraLucy and her Fall 2022 Collection. Why can’t I tag Maura? Has Maura blocked me? Oh, that’s just great. ***JUST GREAT*** I hate that stupid blanket anyway. It feels like sandpaper against your skin. I should have thrown it in #TheFire along with my wedding ring and all those documents Jed had showing that he signed my name on everything.

I may be deactivating this account soon, and if I do, I just want you all to know that #LifeCanStillBeBeautiful provided you know what’s *most important,* and by that I mean, a secret bank account in Aruba and the S.S. Holly III which I purchased without Jed knowing because I had a feeling #MyKook would double-cross me eventually. I may bring Kysa along or I may not. It’s never fun having a drunk onboard, but she does hate her father as much as I do, so that might be comforting.

Be sure and click on the link in my profile and use the offer code #FireSale to purchase fire insurance from my good friends over at @MackintoshInsurance because every time someone uses the code, I get a small commission. Believe me, friends, I could use it. It’s not going to be easy being a single yacht-owner.

Until we meet again, try to #LookOnTheBrightSide which is easy if everything you own is on fire, because then it’s #AllVeryBright

Gotta go. Kysa needs to use my phone to have some cocktails delivered to the house via this new app that brings you alcohol. Isn’t that incredible? Just incredible.

It’s amazing what these phones can do.

July 29, 2022 20:38

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44 comments

L.M. Lydon
19:52 Aug 09, 2022

I love the rampant abuse of hashtags and name-dropping throughout the story. You capture the stereotypical influencer tone of overcasual pseudo-breathlessness amazingly well. And this part truly made me laugh: "A few drinks may impair a person’s judgment, but there is absolutely no need for there to be so many utility poles up and down the road you take if you’re going from Yale to the off-campus liquor store. We’re considering a #Lawsuit against the town and the electric company"

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Story Time
21:44 Aug 09, 2022

Thank you so much!

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