Remembering before deciding

A year ago, I was made to make the decision that will change my future, that will determine love between hatred. My story started ten years ago.

I grew up with parts of my life jumbled up everywhere, from parts of it on the streets to parts in Calfornia to Temple, Texas to Hattiesburg, Mississippi to Danville, Illinois to bad houses to Boston then finally to Kent. I was born with the worst parents in the world, my father abused my mother and they were both drunkards. They would go out dealing, leaving three years old me in a shed. I remember the time when I was five and I saw both of my parents getting beat up by some gang, I ran in to help but one of the men gave me a solid right-hand punch. Then I blanked out, the next morning I woke up in a disposal bin. My whole lower face was in scrutinising pain and was soaked with velvet blood. My jaw hurt so much and I felt like I had been beaten up. I remember I then saw black bruises all over me. Looking back, I think my nose was broken. But again I look back and I think that was the time I should have run for help and leave my rotten parents behind.

I then remember the time when I was seven and my dad died, the same gang that beat me up when I was five seized my dad and told my mum to cough up, but she never did and the gang killed him. After that my mum got involved with people she shouldn't have and we were always moving around to avoid them. Until my mum's money ran out and we ended up living on the streets. One night my mum told me she has had enough and that when I wake up she will be gone and be living life without me and that I will die and perish on the streets. I kept begging her to let me stay with her but it ended with her giving me a hot slap. A slap that still rings in my ears till today. I tried staying awake that night so that when my mum leaves I can follow her but somehow I fell asleep. As promised when I woke up the next day she was gone. I was so cold, she had taken all the blankets with her and it was winter. In fact, she had taken everything leaving me with nothing. By that time I was eleven and I ran out to a passer-by and I ended up in care.

Being in care was so much better than being with my mum living on the streets. I got served food and meals. I got to go to school and interact with kids like me. By thirteen I made the ultimate choice. I was adopted. My mum was way out of the picture and no one had heard from her. The police thought she changed her identity but whatever she did I didn't care because she was the chapter of my book that I had turned over. I was adopted by the most lovable parents called Amy and Dave, they filled in all the gaps of sadness in me with happiness. They gave me the best education and sent me to a private school. Then I went to Harvard where I got an English degree before waving goodbye to America and saying hello to England. I settled in, in a place called Kent and face timed my parents every evening.

One night I got a call from an unknown number, I remembered Dave always telling me to be careful around unknown numbers. But after some seconds of debating with myself, I picked up the phone since I am a mature woman who is twenty-one and can pick up a phone, even if it is an unknown number. I recognised the voice at once. It was my good for nothing birth mother. I asked cautiously, how did you get my number and she replied my baby girl I can explain. I screamed, don't call me baby girl I don't think I was your baby girl ten years ago when you abandoned me on the streets. Then I heard sobbing from the other side of the line. But I didn't care because I hoped the pain she was feeling was a trillion times worse than the pain she made me feel. I dropped the call and dialled Amy and Dave. I explained what happened and they said we know. I was shocked.

Apparently, my birth mother had been in contact with Amy and Dave, she had been chatting with them for a few months and decided she wants to get back in my life since she has ''changed''. So Amy and Dave passed on my number. I was so mad at both of them. I felt like I had been betrayed by them. I then remembered the first time I arrived at my care home. I felt like I fitted in since everyone had problems coming from their parents or they were going through with losing their parents. I remember my social worker Susan Lanagoon, the woman that gave me everything she could and provided me the best care home possible. I then remembered my carers Sam and Julia, who were my first taste of something close to proper parents. I remembered the first time I went to school, I was in year seven, I could barely read or write. After nine months of intensive learning and after school learning clubs, I was up to speed. I then remembered the day I met Amy and Dave, that was the moment when a plethora of joy started in my life. Meeting them pulled me out of a black void and meeting them made my life feel special.

I then fell to my conclusion Amy and Dave didn't betray me they tried to help me.

A YEAR ON.

I don't regret my decision to say no to my mum because I know what I went through will never be mended. Those endless nights of crying myself to sleep, those nights where I just wanted love, warmth, and hugs. And for her to come out of the blue to want to waltz back into my life, she has a nerve. For now, for me, it is W.I.H ( wither in hell) birth mum and dad.