Winter's Sonata

As I am looking outside the window, I noticed the small white balls falling from the sky. These little balls make many people happy and busy.

Snowmen will rule the streets once again. Kids will start laying on the ground full of snow to create their own snow angel. Mothers will start making hot soups full of veggies and stuff. Lovers will have enough reason to meet and cuddle on a small couch. While I am here reading a crappy email and eating a leftover pizza. I hate pepperoni.

Dear Winter,

Thank you for your interest in applying for the Virtual Assistant Role.

As expected, we have received many applications and evaluated some candidates for this position.

However, while we were impressed with your qualifications, we have decided to move forward with other applicants whose skills and experience better meet our needs now.

I forcibly closed my laptop and closed my eyes.

1,2,3…

Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out.

It's okay, Winter. This is not your first rejection. This is the 29th.

Remember what J.K Rowling once said,

“It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all, in which case you have failed by default.”

A tear fell from my left eye. I've always wondered why my left eye always tear up first when I'm not a leftist. Maybe because my left eye is smaller than my right eye, the reason why it can't contain too many tears.

But it seems that my tears are so dependent on each other, they started streaming down my face.

Once I started crying, I can't seem to stop. Unless...

"Honey, what's wrong?" my mom suddenly barged into my room and ran towards me.

I'm 29 years old and here I am being such a crybaby in front of my mom. My mom was in her mid-50s, but she looked gorgeous. She had fair skin, just like mine. Her golden-brown hair was long and wavy, just like mine. I just wish I had her guts and courage as well.

She calmly sat on my bed and hugged me tightly.

"Let me guess, someone, emailed you something more heartbreaking than your ex's marriage invitation?"

I break away from her hug and crossed my arms.

 “Okay mom, first, it is heartbreaking. But mom, it was our wedding invitation.”

My mom just smiled at me and hugged me again. My mom’s hug is the best. It makes me feel so warm and safe.

 “Why don’t you try going out and meet with your friends? You can also date again if you want to.”

I sighed.

How can I possibly do that, mom? When I don’t have the confidence to face them. I don’t even think I am worthy to enjoy and have fun with other people.

I wanted to tell her that. But I didn’t. I never had the chance.

I looked at the mirror.

“I’ll be fine, mom.” I tried my best to smile so wide. Just like how I did during our graduation photoshoot. A lot of people admire my smile, I don’t know why. Looking at it now, it looks horrible.

“Don’t be too hard on yourself, sweetie. You deserve to be happy.”

After remembering those words, I cried once again. But this time, I cried silently.

***

I woke up feeling tired and heavy. I looked outside and it’s still snowing.

Damn, I really hate snow and winter.

Funny how I hate the season when my name is Winter.

I checked the time and it reads, 9:00 A.M

“Wow, I woke up a little bit earlier today.” I proudly told myself.

 “Are you happy waking up this late?”

I remember my mom looking at me with her arms crossed. She’s always like that when I wake up late. She told me that morning is one of the best gifts we received from above. I usually wake up before sunrise, drinking hot cocoa while watching my mom cook our food. I always feel pumped up writing something after that.

I miss those mornings.

I fixed my bed and combed my hair before leaving the room. My mom always nagged me about my disheveled hair every time I leave without fixing my hair.

I looked in our pantry if there’s anything I can cook or eat. But I only found these instant noodles that I bought online.

“Wow. When was the last time I went to the grocery?” I sighed.

I was waiting for the water to boil when my phone rang.

 Question Bomber Calling…

I turned off my phone and was about to get the boiled water when someone knocked on the door.

I carefully walked towards the door and looked in the peeping hole of our door.

“Winter? Please open the door.”

Ugh! Why is he here?!!

“I know you are inside. Let’s talk.”

“I won’t go anywhere.”

I opened the door since I know this guy. He has done it for the past three years.

Poor guy.

“What are you doing here?”

He just walked inside our house without removing his boots full of snow.

“Hey, remove your boots now!”

I looked at him and I noticed that his hair is longer now. But it suits him anyway. I think he is already visiting the gym, because, oh boy, that body looks hot. And his eyes…those dashing blue eyes that makes me want to kiss him right now--

Oh no. What the hell, Winter! Did you just fantasize about kissing your ex-fiancé?

He smirked at me.

I looked away. I feel like my cheeks are burning. This is bad.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” he walked towards me while I am walking backward to get away from him.

“Why?! I have two pretty eyes, that’s why!”

He’s now in front of me.

Damn! Why does he have to be long-legged?

He catches my gaze and looked directly through my eyes.

“I miss those pretty eyes.”

I feel my whole face is burning. Without further ado, I walked towards the kitchen.

“So why are you here?”

I am trying my best not to spill the hot water from the heater. I felt his presence behind me.

“Let me help you with that.”

I poured some hot water into the instant noodles and faced him.

“You don’t have to visit me every year.”

He looked at me intently. He’s slowly opening his jacket.

I closed my eyes.

“Are you insane?! We promised each other to do that after getting married!”

He gave me something warm in my hands.

I opened my eyes and saw two hot buns in my hands.

“I tried to keep them warm.” He smiled at me.

Lucas’s smile resembles my mom’s smile. It also gives me warmth whenever I felt lost and sad. For the past 7 years, Lucas never failed to be my companion when things are hard and easy for me. But all I did was leaving him when things went south.

I started crying.

“I don’t deserve that smile from you.”

He hugged me tightly.

I sobbed and talked.

“Why are you here?”

Sobs.

“Why are you hugging me?”

Sobs.

“I don’t deserve any of this.”

Sobs.

“Happy birthday, Winter.”

I could hear him sniffling. He’s probably crying as well. Lucas always cries when I cry.

If this isn’t loving, I don’t know what is.

I hugged him back and we cried together until we felt parched.

We sat on the couch for about thirty minutes without talking to each other. My head is resting on his broad shoulders while he’s just holding me gently.

“Do you still love me?” I asked without looking at him.

“Isn’t it obvious?”

I looked at him and he suddenly kissed me. His kisses are slow and passionate. I’ve always admired how gentle Lucas is to me. He never rushed me on anything. I was the one who's aggressive.

I started deepening the kiss. I bit his lower lip and Lucas responded to me. He loves it when I bite him. He started kissing my neck and collarbone. But he stopped right there.

He cupped my face and kissed my eyes, nose, cheeks, and lips.

“Will you marry me, Winter?”

I wanted to say, "Yes!" But I can't.

I looked away from him.

“I-I can’t. I’m so sorry, Lucas.”

Lucas slowly cupped my chin and captured my gaze.

“You are worthy to be loved, Winter. I hope you stop being so hard on yourself.”

***

The next morning, I noticed a small box from where Lucas sat. I opened it and saw letters inside it.

I gasped when I saw who those letters from. Some are from my readers, some are from my friends, some are my editor's and most of them are from my mom.

I immediately opened the first letter that was dated three years ago, after my mom died.

To my dearest Winter,

Happy 27th birthday to my sweetest snow. I know that you won’t be celebrating this day that’s why I asked your fiancé a little favor. You know, I really like that boy. He’s so gentle and patient with you. Don’t you dare let him go or I will hunt you in your sleep.

I’m just kidding sweetie. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you how much I miss you. I know how hard this is for you. But please, stop blaming yourself. No one wanted this to happen. But this is part of God’s plan in my life and I am grateful for the life that He has given to me.

Because I had the most loving daughter that I could ever have.

Please don’t stop your dream. You’re the most beautiful when you write, sweetie. I saw that.

Things will be harder but so will you. You are my daughter, right? We are strong women because we have a strong God who strengthens us.

You can do this, sweetie. I believe in you. Please believe in yourself as well.

Always remember this verse:

“Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you,

I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life.”—Isiah 43:4

Always here loving you,

Mom

“Thank you, mom.” I was about to fold the letter when I saw something written in the back.

P.s I think he’s waiting for you outside, your dashing fiancé. *winks*

I ran towards the door and slowly stepped on the cold snowy ground outside, for the first time in three years. I don't know why but it feels so warm and fuzzy as the snowfalls. I breathed in the fresh cold air and let it sink inside of me.

Snow never felt so happy and exciting, until today.

I saw Lucas shivering as he walks from his car. I waved at him and signaled him to go inside the house.

But before I step inside once again, I shouted.

"IT'S A YES!"