Jailbirds

It was October 13, I fell asleep during a full moon. Suddenly, I was soaring above an endless green forest, with the brightest hue of blue wings that shimmered in the sunlight. I flew distances, feeling free but then the moon started to align in between Earth and the Sun.

From afar, I saw blue and red sirens and heard a prayer.

“I need help,” the girl cried to no one and everyone. 

With a sound of thunder, I woke up from my dream, inside a jail cell, with a girl.

“What in the world?!” I shouted. The girl groggily opened her eyes and stared at me. To my dismay, I am now a brown feathered bird. Upon realizing this, I chaotically started to fly around the cell, thinking if I crashed into the walls, I’d turn back into a man.

“Stop, you’re going to hurt yourself!” she said.

“You can hear me?” I asked.

“Yes, of course I can hear you. Wait, how come I can hear you and what are we doing in jail?” she asked.

“I don’t know but I fell asleep on the couch at home, woke up in here with you and AS A BIRD!” I said, flabbergasted.

“I’m so confused!” cried the girl.

“No crapola! That makes the two of us!” I exclaimed.

“Okay, hold on, I’ll ask the police officers. They must know what happened and hopefully, they’ll release the both of us. There must be a reasonable explanation,” she said. She started shouting and then pounding on the metal door, trying to get the attention of one of the police officers. 

“Ma’am, you need to stop screaming and pounding on the door,” the attending cop commanded.

“What am I and a bird doing in here?” she asked.

“You were involved in a car accident and what bird are you referring to?” asked the cop.

“Can’t you see the bird?” she questioned.

“No, ma’am. I DO NOT SEE A BIRD … geez drunks are the worst jailbirds,” the cop ranted and walked away, muttering the last sentence under his breath but slightly loud enough for her to hear. More confused than ever, she sat back down on the bench. I flew down to sit by her side. We both scratched our heads.

“My name is Jedson,” I said, introducing myself. 

“My name is Helen,” she replied. Suddenly, she got up and started pacing around the cell. “How is this possible? What is going on? This must be a nightmare I’m stuck in. Wake up. Wake up, NOW,” Helen frantically repeated, almost hyperventilating.

“Yo’ you gots to calm down, Helen. Look on the bright side. You didn’t wake up with a beak, feathers and wings. I'm a man, even if I dig these wings, I want my MANLY body back,” I said. She cracked a smile, calmed down and wiped away tears from her cheeks. I racked my bird brain to remember details of anything that would spark an explanation for this bizarre, freak incident. Slowly, bits and pieces of my vision that served as memories started coming back.

“After falling asleep, I had a dream I was a Blue Jay,” I said, thinking out loud. “Then, I saw a cluster of blue and red flashes, so I started flying towards the lights. Hot diggity darn, I remember now! I saw a bloody man, a bunch of cops and ambulances and then you were put into handcuffs. It was pure mayhem. But that doesn’t explain why I woke up as a brown bird and in jail, with you. I didn’t break any laws … ” I rambled on and on.

“Wait, Jedson, you’re losing me. I have a pounding headache. You need to slow down because you’re not making any sense. What happened before I got arrested? I need to know about the car accident,” Helen hissed at me. Geez, this girl is so demanding, I thought. I’m a gosh darn legit jailbird and she’s wailing over the fact she’s in jail? Fighting the urge to retort with harsh sarcasm, I thought about the first thing I saw as soon as I got to the accident. Thus, this is my story as a Blue Jay … .

I swooped down and saw a gray Honda SUV, running with the headlights on. A man was sitting in the passenger seat with the door open, one leg out of the vehicle with blood on his face and mouth. 

“What happened?” the cop asked the man.

“She ran me over!” the bloody man shouted as he was pointing to you, sitting in the backseat of the car, crying hysterically. The cop asked you what happened but you couldn't utter a legible sentence. Then the cop looked at the female standing outside of the car. The injured man was crying out in pain.

“Try to stay calm, the Fire/EMS is on their way,” the cop said. You and the bloody dude must have been partying earlier because the cop asked the man if he drank any alcohol earlier. The bloody dude ignored the question and screamed how he was dying.

Finally, the sounds of the EMS sirens announced their arrival. The injured man stood up, tried to walk over to the ambulance but collapsed to the ground after a few steps, unresponsive. The officer and the EMT’s immediately rendered aid to the man. 

“His injuries are too severe, we need to rush him to the hospital,” shouted one of the EMTS. They lifted the man up onto the gurney, pushed the wheeled stretcher into the ambulance and zoomed off with the red and blue sirens blaring.

Once the man was whisked away to the hospital, the cop walked back towards the vehicle. The woman standing outside the car was accompanied by his fellow Police Officer Pluto.

“Are you taking her statement?” the cop asked.

“Yes and you should try to get a statement from the woman crying in the backseat of the SUV. After I’m done here, I’ll check in with you,” Officer Pluto said.

The cop walked over to you. Helen Cry Melon, you were a hot mess. I can tell you were genuinely distraught and upset.

“Ma’am, I need you to be calm right now and step out of the vehicle. My name is Officer Uranus. What is your name and can you tell me what happened?" he asked.

“I am so confused about what is going on. My name is Helen. Is my boyfriend going to be okay? Is my boyfriend going to be okay? Can I sit back down to process what happened?" you asked the cop, clearly upset and concerned about the injured man. However, Officer Uranus must have smelled alcohol on you too because his demeanor changed. Ignoring your questions, he asked you to take the Standard Field Sobriety test, which you agreed to do. 

The first test he had you do was the Horizontal Gaze Nystagmus test. He placed you in the starting position with both feet together and hands by your side. He explained that you had to follow the tip of his pen with your eyes, without turning your head.

Before starting the test, he said he noticed your pupils were equal in size and tracking. As the cop moved the pen, jeez did you have trouble following the tip without moving your head. He had to repeat the instructions FOUR TIMES! During the test, Professor Uranus said he noticed the lack of smooth pursuit in both eyes. Then observed Distinct and Sustained Nystagmus at Maximum Deviation in both eyes. Next, he said he saw Onset of Nystagmus prior to 45 degrees in both eyes. Lastly, he observed Vertical Nystagmus in both eyes.  

“Okay, are you ready for the next test,” asked Officer Uranus.

“Yes,” you said.

The next test the cop had you perform was the Walk and Turn. The area where the test was performed was flat and free of debris. Thank god you were wearing UGG boots.

“Will you be comfortable walking in those boots and do you have any medical conditions that would prevent you from performing this test?” asked the cop.

“Yes and I do not have any medical conditions,” you replied.

The cop placed you in the starting position, right foot in front of your left foot, touching heel to toe. You had her hands inside your coat pocket, he asked you to take your hands out. I ain't gonna lie because your behavior and actions from then on, I found ridiculously hysterical. You took both hands out of your pockets, started talking in alien gibberish, then put both hands back inside the pockets, all the while not even close to staying in the starting position. Every time the cop tried to talk, you would just interrupt him.

“Here, let me demonstrate what you need to do,” Officer Uranus said, in an impatient tone. If I was the cop, I'd put you in handcuffs at this point for sounding like a whiny 4 year old. He finished showing you what you had to do.

Brace yourself for this part of the story cause it should be a scene written for the sequel to Dumb and Dumber. It was utterly, unexpectedly sooo funny that I couldn't stop chirping, almost losing my feathers from rolling over on the ground. You gave yourself a pep talk of 'I can do this, I can do this,' for a minimum of ten minutes. You must not have convinced yourself because you preceded with several 'air squats'. All done with extreme conviction, preparing to compete in the Olympics.

Yes, you should be horrified by now. However, in your defense, I thought your comedy skit was done with intense conviction as though you were about to compete in the Olympics. Which made it more comical given the situation you were in. Helen, I must say I've never laughed so hard and so long even the cop shooed me away several times. I was beyond fits of hysterical laughing that I peed all over my feathers when I saw your air squats coupled with the expression on the cops face. Drama dosed with belly aching comedy does not happen in my life. Needless to say, you failed the remaining tests and I'll save you the anxiety of hearing the details. You can read it later, marinade in humiliation privately. But just remember, had you done this in any other situation, it would have been extremely funny and I'm sure all your friends would commend your ability to make people laugh.

Truth be told, I would have put you in handcuffs after the first test, not sure why the cop made you finish the remaining tests, knowing full well you would most likely fail. Hence, the reason why you are in jail.

Now, the story with your sister. According to Officer Pluto, Phoebe volunteered to drive you and the injured man home since the both of you had been drinking at the party. Immediately, you both fell asleep in the car. Once Phoebe drove into the parking lot of the apartment complex adjacent to your apartment complex, the man shouted he needed to throw up. Immediately, she stopped to let him out. He disappeared in between two cars to vomit. Phoebe did not see him return, so she continued to drive until she found a spot to park in. You were still sitting in the car.

However, a Sergeant was also called to the scene of the accident. He saw the SUV parked a few feet away from a closed gate on an access road that connected the two adjacent complexes. The headlights were on and the SUV was still running. The Sergeant walked to the injured man, sitting in the front passenger seat. The Sgt asked the man why or how he got to be sitting in the front passenger seat. The man said he didn't remember. The Sgt looked at the man's jacket he was wearing and noticed scuff marks, as if he had been dragged on the pavement. The ambulance arrived and rushed him off to the hospital.

The Sergeant then spoke to Phoebe. He said he didn't smell alcohol on her. She said that she was the designated driver. On the ride to Helen's home, the man and Helen were arguing. He shouted profanities at her sister. When Phoebe pulled into the parking lot of the complex, the man demanded she stop the car to let him out to throw up. She did so and she saw him disappear. Helen was in the car while she found a spot to park in.

When asked if Phoebe was 100% sure Helen was driving the car that ran the man over, her first response was yes but hesitated and then said she was not sure since she did not see her sister driving the car. Sergeant Jupiter thanked her and proceeded to inspect the area of the accident. 

The Sergeant found two vomit piles 5-7’ feet apart, one in between two vehicles and one in the roadway. About 20’ north of the vomit in the roadway was a pool of blood opposite an island separating the parking spaces from the road. In the pool of blood were broken bulbs from the sweater Jim was wearing. The vehicle rest position was about 20’ west of the blood.

“Alright, I hope my story was clear and precise because I’m not about to tell it again,” I said to Helen breathless. She was intensively listening, hanging on to my every word. 

“I don’t remember any of that,” she said, putting her face into the palm of her hands, about to cry.

“Woooo, nooooow, don’t start with those tears and break down on me. We need to figure out how to get me back to being a human again so I can be a witness to your case!” I squawked at Helen. The two of us waited patiently until someone in her family posted bail.

Once safely back at Helen's apartment, we both started rambling out every silent thought we had since I told her my story. Helen opened her laptop and typed in 'how to turn a bird into a human' in the search engine. Not amused by her lack of wit, I flew over her head and pooped a nice one, hoping it would wake her senses.

“What in the hey? Hey, Jedson, that’s not funny!” she cried. “If you have any suggestions, I’d gladly hear it, no need to be disgusting! Fine, I’ll start with another search.” she said, as got up to get a towel to wipe my turd out of her hair.

After hours of rigorous research, Helen finally decided to take a break and shower. I started rereading her notes. We read Einstein's String Theory, a story of space and time unified by a single, harmonious vibration from tiny loops of energy that lie deep within the heart of matter. Basically, every living organism is universally connected. We also read Carl Jung's synopsis on synchronicities. He explained synchronicities are events that happen when seemingly unrelated events coincide in improbable ways that have some sort of significance to the person. He believed these events are evidence of a unifying consciousness at play in the universe, creating physical manifestations of what’s happening in our psyche.

Then I read in small words at the bottom of the page, the exact time of the accident, a solar eclipse occurred. My birdbrain was refueled with a possible answer, which sounds just as bizarre as the fact I'm a bird and Helen doesn't remember running the injured man over. Excited to bounce my theory of a possible reason as to why this had happened to us, Helen walked into the room, looking defeated, pale and exhausted. Instead of going back to the desk, she laid down in her bed. She looked at me and said she was tired and needed a nap. Before I could respond, she was already snoring. I decided to nest on a pillow beside her and fell asleep.

We were flying above an endless green forest, our wings finally bright as the blue sky. Our flight through space and time with a story to resonate for all to read and decipher the outcome of that night. 

Flying peacefully, we knew the actual details of the events will forever be locked in a box with a key only the Universe vowed to safely hold.