Ms K Kettle

"It just isn’t fair!” Tina bawled into her hands. The steaming cup of tea in front of her slowly cooling. I reached out to offer her a reassuring pat on the shoulder.

“I know it isn’t fair. Some people get super strength, some people can fly and some even time travel. But you, you, have the power to heat tea.” I gave her as much comfort as I could. Which, considering we had only just met, was not a lot. From between her fingers the client stared at me with watery eyes.

“Its just my boss…he’s not very nice. And he has an incredible power. I hear them talk about him on the news like he’s going to be the next Captain Jack. I try to be a good person. I really do. I was so excited when my number came up. And its, just, so…shit.” The client took a deep steadying breath and seemed to regain some composure.

“Now I completely understand where your coming from, but I want to be clear, heating tea is not a shit power. It’s no super speed and it hasn’t got anything on reality manipulation. But. It. Is. Not. Shit.” I gave her my hundred-watt smile. Works every time.

“It is! What am I meant to do with hot tea! I used to be waitress and I hated every second of it.” The client stood and started to pace across my small office. She was wiping the excess of her makeup away, removing what the tears hadnt already.

“Well, you definitely won’t be waiting tables anymore. The first thing is to establish are some boundaries. What constitutes tea? How hot can you make it? It’s important to take some time when you are getting to grips with this kind of change. I know you feel, overwhelmed and disappointed, but it could end up surprising you.”

“How do you mean?” the client turned face me.

“Well you’ve heard of Moonshine, right?” She nodded. “He’s a famous hero, people love him. Ten years ago, he was exactly where you are now. Crying his eyes out because he had the stupidest power in the world. But he found his niche. We can do the exact same thing for you.”

“I guess, I mean heating tea is pretty bad. But having a glow in the dark ass is a pretty awful power.” A small smile broke across the client’s face.

 “Yep. And now he works with the coast guard as a mobile lighthouse. Dozens of ships have been safe in storms thanks to him. Bad power, great hero. That’s what we do here.” Well that and the other thing.

“So, we just find my niche? That’s it?” By now here tears had dried. The client had a surprisingly calm demeanor. It would be a big plus when she dealt with the press.

“There’s a little more to it. We work with the media, set up a strong online presence of your brand and maybe do a couple of late-night shows. Before you know it, people are all over you. There’s always anther guy that can lift a car or shoot beams from their eyes. But you know what they all have in common?”

“No?”

“Law suits. Throwing a car at someone is damn expensive. Even if they’re holding a death ray. Captain Jack spends half his time in court. You think anyone is suing Moonshine?”

“Okay Mister…erm. I’m so sorry I didn’t actually catch your name.”

“Just Legion, no mister.” I gave her the big smile once more.

“Okay Legion, thank you very much for your time. I’ll think about what you’ve said. Oh, and I’m sorry I got a little emotional. I’m having a bit of a bad week, relationship issues.” The client gathered her hand bag and gave me a firm handshake.

“No problem, we’re here to help. I’ll set up a meeting for a next week. I’ll speak to a few of our specialists and see what we can come up with. For now, just take it easy and take some small steps.” I opened the door for the client to leave. As she left there was some purpose in her stride.

I had earned a drink, I think. Another client meant another fat government subsidy. She was young, cute and had a confident air around her. She was going to big. I could feel it.

I’d have to give some thought to what she could do with the tea. Maybe she could work in powerplants. Heroes that ignore the laws of thermodynamics are always popular there. We could call her Karly Kettle or something like that.

I flicked though my phone as a I poured a scotch. Across the headlines there was death, destruction, and Keen up on manslaughter charges again. Everything right with the world. I blazed past it all and came to the feel-good stories. It was my bread and butter. The top story was about Canine visiting an animal shelter. He was telling all the dogs they were coming home with him. It really was something to watch him work. Whenever he made a story, I could feel the companies bank account getting heavier. After Canine it was the same kind of thing. Aquafina swimming with dolphins, Cupid speed dating and Cantrip doing a magic show. I settled in to read the comments.

After a while the harsh ring tone of my phone cut through the quiet. It was a private number. Usually I managed to keep anonymous, every now and then though some crazy would figure out my number. Still, ignoring them never worked. I put down my drink and answered the phone.

“Terry’s tapestry and tap, how can I help today?” I answered in by best Manhattan accent. There was a long pause.

“This is Detective Winters, I’m looking for Legion?” The voice was a hard-no-nonsense type. Uh oh.

“errh…yeah this is Legion.” I replied awkwardly.

“I’m here with a Miss Tina Seraph. She claims to be a client of yours.” The police getting involved this early was never good.

“Yes, I represent Miss Seraph.” Trying to sound as official as possible.

“Your aware that encouraging improper use of powers is in violation of subsection C12 of the McArthur bill?” Double Uh oh.

“I am aware of the legislation, Detective Winters. I assure you that I have done nothing outside of the law.”

“You did not encourage Miss Seraph to ‘experiment’ with her powers?” Definitely not good.

“I did encourage her to determine how her powers work, but it was very clear that she should do so in a controlled environment.” I had already fired up my laptop and I was franticly writing an email to my legal retainer. This kind of thing happened occasionally.

“A controlled environment, huh? Well I’m at Miss Seraph’s building. Seems she got home and found her boyfriend in the shower with another woman. She says she threw some tea bags at them and used her powers.”

“And?”

“And so far, we’ve pulled five bodies out of what’s left of the building Mr. Legion. Fire department say they’ve never seen anything like it. Only person unharmed is Miss Seraph here, who keeps insisting I call you. I’m gonna need you to come down to the station to answer a few questions.” Oops.

“Of course, officer I’ll be right down.” I hung up the phone and sighed. I downed the rest of my scotch and was across my office before the burn had hit by stomach. I smiled at the receptionist as I strode across the hall toward the only other office on the floor. I opened the door without knocking.

Inside there was a mammoth figure with flaming eyes and black rock skin. Next to him was a man that looked exactly like me.

“Sorry to interrupt I’ve got a situation with a client. Looks like she’s going to be one of yours."