You Won’t Believe How We Met

I’m standing in line at the Bmo Harris Bank on 1300 S Wabash Ave, Chicago to cash my pitiful paycheck of $318.00 before taxes. That I received from busting suds all week at Fogo de Chao Restaurant that is the leading Brazilian steakhouse, or churrascaria, which specializes in fire-roasting high-quality meats since 1979 utilizing the centuries-old Southern Brazilian cooking technique of churrasco. 

Yeah, I know that was (TMI), too much information. Anyway, I’m standing in a long line when suddenly 3 people came inside the bank wearing masks. One had on the mask of Oprah Winfery, one had on the mask of former President Barrack Obama and the one aiming an M-16 gun into the back of my head wore a Willie Nelson mask.

I’m thinking to myself is this my last day on earth and would I land in heaven or hell. It’s funny what thoughts come to mind when you truly believe you’re gonna die. He told me to lay down on the floor in which I did without hesitation.

Oprah Winfrey mask wearer was telling everyone to raise their hands in the air and walk to the center of the huge bank.

I’m now deeply thinking why does ole Willie mask wearer has just me and this lovely lady lay on the floor.

 I know I’m a gonner now and he was going to blow my head off as an example of how series they were about robbing this bank on a Friday when most people there where probably there to cash their miserly paycheck. I took a quick peek at the lovely lady lying beside me and she appeared to be silently weeping.

If I was mighty mouse or even underdog I would have protected her with my life. But as reality will always dictate about me I was just a lowly dishwasher.

In my spare time I paint portraits to supplement my income. That’s why I could quickly identify the would be robbers. I also have a Eidetic memory the ability to recall an image from memory with high precision for a brief period after seeing it only once and without using any mnemonic devices.

When Barrack mask wearer let off a barrage of bullets at the chandelier on the ceiling I don’t think anyone in that bank did not believe they were not serious.

Oprah mask wearer took the butt of the M-16 and cold cocked the under paid security guard in the back of the head. I got to thinking at that moment I truly don’t believe he’s an accomplice to this bank robbery. No, no, no, not taking a real life spinal cord eventually occurring hit like that for the team.

 Lovely lady lying beside me is far pass sobbing at this bank robbing point, she’s now done went an gone berserk.

I just knew in a matter of seconds she would be standing at the pearly gates. Willie mask wearer told her to get up and go stand over there with all the other frighten people. Now my mind is in complete confusion as to why I’m still laying on that ice cold floor that possibly 1,001 Dalmatian people probably walked on throughout that day.

Well it didn’t take long for me to find out what Willie and the gang of mask wears wanted from me. He demanded that I get up. He handed me a huge black duffel bag and led me to a vault door the size of the Titanic. When I stepped inside I truly thought that I had died and went to hell. There was more money inside that vault that could possibly had gotten bipolar rapper Kanye West the presidency of the United States of America. Willie mask wearer took me over where there was stacks of bearer bonds. Then Willie mask wearer pointed that M-16 at my head and told me I have one minute to fill it.

My mind was saying I don’t even need a minute to load that bag up especially now that my life depended upon speed. You got to remember I’m a suds buster and that requires a lot of speed to get them plates and silver utensils back into circulation, especially at lunch time.

Now here I am standing inside of what I thought was Fort Knox, a machine gun pointed directly at my head and all I could truly think about what if Willie the mask wearer turned his back and I could steal a couple of stacks of that real money. I felt that sack up in 25 seconds as he led me out of that vault.

A part of my mind was hoping that he killed me in that vault so that I could happily and honorably die among all those dead presidents. No such luck as I got in line with the other 46 people.

All this took place in 6 minutes and 7 seconds.

Although in truth to me it felt like an eternity of time.

Just as fast as they appeared. That’s how fast they disappeared.

The next thing I know is that the beautiful woman who was lying beside me had her arms wrapped around my neck and sobbing on my weak shoulders. I could smell the fragrance of her expensive perfume as I stood there like a mannequin in a Macy’s Department Store display window. She pulled away and thanked me for saving her life.

I didn’t have time to ponder on that untruth because about 67 dressed up like Ninja Turtle wearing cops stormed upon us like them storm troopers in any Star Wars Movies.

They acted like we were responsible for the bank robbery.

I didn’t get back to my apartment until well after midnight with a mandatory personal invitation to be back at the police station in the morning. The black and white chauffeur driven squad car would be at my door at 9am sharp to pick me up.

No sooner than I got out of the shower there was a light tap on my door. I looked out of the peep hole and it was my landlord Mrs. Butterworth. She was there to collect on my weekly rent. I had two options. One wait her out until she let herself in or two, face that 599 pound sexy devil and tell her about the day I had and why I never got a chance to cash my pathetic paycheck.

I opened my dilapidated apartment door and was surprised to see Mrs. Butterworth wearing an elephant size negligée and holding a half gallon bottle of Thunderbird wine.

She told me that she had seen me being handcuffed coming out of that bank on the Six O’clock news.

After drinking two extremely full 12 oz glasses of that 13 % alcohol cheap wine all I remember is her climbing on top of me in which felt like she was placing all of the worlds weight upon me.

It was 8:33am when sore body and all I woke up. I had just enough time to get ready to get picked up and interrogated once again.

When I went to the refrigerator to get a cold glass of water to take with the 3 Excedrin pills. There was a receipt attached to the refrigerator door showing that I had paid my rent in full this week.

I’m thinking to myself, what Mrs. Shamu from Sea World did to my mind and body I should have been exempt from paying rent for at least 7 months.

I been known to being a little hot headed. Well, okay a lot of hot headed, especially when I get frustrated.

After another 3 hours of being questioned about the bank robbery I got up and just walked out to hear screaming profanity speaking cops.

On my way out the door I ran smack dab into the lovely woman who unwillingly laid beside me on that trampled on bank floor. They were kindly escorting her inside the precinct. It was 1:18 pm.

A few months had passed and I switched banks to cash my below poverty wages. I did asked my employer when are they going to get up with the times and get me some direct deposit. That request felled upon dirty dishes as I once again mentally prepared to stand in another long bank line.

As fate or destiny would have it when I raced to the spot I would be more than likely standing in for over ten to fifteen minutes. I was in a race for that spot with the lovely woman who laid beside me during that bank robbery.

 I took her by the hand as we dashed out of that bank faster than Usain Bolt. Today we are married and in a few days will be expecting our first child.