The Start of the Next Chapter

June 8

Today is our wedding day. After nearly a year of hard work putting together every single detail, I’m so excited that I finally get to marry Tom. I thought I would be more nervous about making sure it goes right, but honestly, as long as I get to marry him then it will have gone perfectly. Although, I’m sure that’s exactly what every single bride says BEFORE her wedding day starts, I may have a different opinion of it once the girls come over and the opportunity for things to go wrong start happening.

Right now I feel at peace with our decisions that we were worried about. We were so worried about if we should do a first look, and now I’m so glad that I won’t see Tom before I’m walking down the aisle to be his wife. The pictures from that moment will be so special and the jitters will be completely irreplaceable. We were also so worried about choosing our honeymoon destination. We didn’t want to be cliché and choose Mexico, but also wanted to make sure we were safe and not staying at some random resort in a random country. I am so excited to leave for the Sandals Grenada. We’ve been planning the wedding for a year, and this honeymoon for nearly eight months. I’ve always wanted to go to the Caribbean and since I get to go with Tom to this super romantic resort, I cannot wait.

At this point I know I’m procrastinating getting out of bed. I am nervous that as soon as I get out of bed any wedding-day nerves will start to creep in, but I know that the girls will be coming to get me in less than half an hour and I still have to have coffee and shower. So I think it’s time to get going.

I cannot believe it’s my last journal entry as a single woman!

June 9

Remember yesterday when I said that the only thing that had to go right was marrying Tom?

what.a.joke.

I didn’t get nervous until I put on my dress and then something about the air just felt off. Maybe it was because around that time I realized that Tom never sent a good morning text, or because I had some kind of intuition about the situation, but as soon as I put my dress on I started to feel strange about the wedding. But I didn’t tell anyone, I kept it to myself just in case it was “normal wedding stuff.”

Well, it wasn’t.

I arrived to the venue early, did the finishing touches, took pictures outside with my family, the bridesmaids, etc. Then, when it came 2:00, I lined up with the bridesmaids like we practiced at the Rehearsal Dinner. The march started, the doors opened, Tom and I made eye contact and I smiled. But he didn’t smile back. That’s when I was validated that something was wrong today.

With each step I took down the aisle I was hoping he would smile, but he didn’t. When I finally made my way to him I grabbed his hands and whispered to him, asking if he was okay. He just shook his head, turned away, and walked away.

I was so embarrassed and confused. I had no idea what to do, so I retraced my steps straight out of the ceremony and out the doors, running as fast as I could in my heels and dress. I don’t know what happened after that because my sister met me outside, we got in her car, and just left. I hope someone said something because otherwise everything would be a lot more awkward.

After that I just sat in my room crying. I couldn’t really say anything. And if I’m being honest, I haven’t eaten, drank, moved, or said anything since. I’ve just pretty much sat here.

Tom’s called a few times, but then I turned my phone off so I couldn’t be bothered. He’s probably called more. I’m going to call him and ask what happened.

June 10

Last night I talked to Tom for the first time since he left me at the altar. Gosh, that sounds so tragic, but somehow that’s my life now. The girl that got left at the altar.

He said that he left because he felt overwhelmed because the night before our wedding he was thinking and wasn’t sure if he wanted to commit to being with me the rest of his life…a little late for that, huh? He told me he still feels overwhelmed at the thought of it, but also sad at the thought of losing me forever. He said that he still wants to be with me and would meet me at the airport tomorrow for our honeymoon.

Funny, I hadn’t even thought of our honeymoon with all of this until I talked with him. But when I hung up with him, I let my sister know and told her that I have plans to go with or without him, even if that means having a two week romantic getaway by myself.

So I woke up early to get to the airport. I waited and waited and waited at our gate, and Tom never showed up. Eventually I ended up boarding our 13 hour flight by myself and headed to Grenada alone.

I’ve checked in to our honeymoon suite, overlooking the ocean with a private pool. Tom’s parents paid for the trip, which was so nice of them. When I checked in the clerk read off the last four numbers of Tom’s parent’s card back to me and asked if all room charges should go to that card, and I agreed. Now, I know that this isn’t totally nice because Tom isn’t here and we didn’t talk about this before, but their son just left me heartbroken for absolutely no good reason…something in that has to lead back to a bad childhood or something, right?

Anyway, I’ve counted over 10 happy couples here so far and I want to vomit. But also cry. I think I’ll just stay in the room for a bit because the thought of other people just living their lives happy is too much for me right now.

June 14

The last three days I’ve literally only drank margaritas. That’s it. I try to go to restaurants during off hours to try and see the least amount of couples. Yesterday I fell asleep on the beach because I was too sad.

June 15

Today I went to the spa for a massage and just some quiet time. It was so relaxing and tranquil. The spa is always one of my favorite parts of resorts.

While there I ran into two girls that are on a girls-trip, Jamie and Miranda. They quickly noticed me hanging out alone and invited me over to sit with them. We got to talking and it turns out they live in the Bay Area too. What are the chances?!

Part of me is so happy to not feel like I have to wallow in my sorrow anymore because I have people I can talk to. But I’m also kind of sad that I have a reason to move on, even if it’s just two girl friends. Am I allowed to start feeling happy?

I know Tom wasn’t my only source of happiness and this trip was meant to signify the beginning of the next chapter in our lives. And it is definitely going to be the start of the next chapter of my life as a single woman at 31. I know I do not want to be stuck in a cycle of sadness for too long at the beginning of that chapter.

June 16

No earlier than 9 am did Jamie and Miranda come knocking at my door. They were so excited to grab breakfast and head to the pool. I reluctantly joined them because I know it’s good for me to leave the hotel room, but at the same time, every time I do something I cannot help but feel extremely sad. This is not the way I wanted to spend this trip or this honeymoon.

When we booked this honeymoon I imagined us staying up late and sleeping in late, cuddling all night. I imagined us being the annoying couple at the pool kissing and Tom giving me a ride across the pool to the bar on his back. I imagined us sharing a cabana on the pink sand beach. And I really wanted all the special honeymoon things—the romantic dinner, the champagne, the sunset cruise, the pictures, the picture of our rings and passports, and wearing skimpy swimsuits to be part of this experience.

Honestly, hanging out with two girls I met yesterday was not part of the plan. Still, I hung out with these girls all day today and they were pretty fun. I still feel like an outsider, but I think I’d rather feel like an outsider than be alone and sad in my honeymoon suite.

June 17

Yesterday Jamie and Miranda told me they had booked an all day excursion to explore Grenada on a Jeep and had me sign up too to get me off the resort and see some new sights. I really appreciate how welcoming they are and how they really just want to include me in their vacation. I don’t think I’m that interesting or cool, but more power to them.

We spent the day in a Jeep exploring the island. At one point we had a beautiful view of a beach that was nearly empty. I took some breathtaking pictures of it, but looking at those pictures tonight all I can think about is how sad I am that I’m alone in them. I always hoped I could have a three-panel canvas of a beach picture like this with my husband and I in the shot.

When I signed up for today’s tour I also signed up for an excursion that I’ll do by myself tomorrow. I think it’ll be nice to have some alone time and also see more of Grenada.

June 18

I woke up nice and early this morning to go on a hike to St. Margaret’s waterfall. The sights were absolutely beautiful. I chose this excursion because it is 100% something Tom and I would not have done on our honeymoon. He is strict about relaxing on vacation, meaning nothing athletic. I don’t mind being athletic if it means seeing a beautiful sight. And in everyday life I am pretty active and regularly exercise and run, so I was happy to get some endorphins flowing in my body. After the alcohol, sugar, and everything else I’ve consumed in the last week or so I thought it was a good idea to give my body a change of pace with something natural to make me happy.

I know I keep saying it, but I cannot stop thinking about how this vacation was supposed to be our honeymoon, the start to the rest of our lives. However, it’s the start to my life alone and I am taking full advantage of it by doing things I love and make me feel happy. I’m trying to feel less sad each day, but I’m not naïve. I know that I will still have to grieve my relationship once I get home.

June 19

I decided that I would spend all day at the beach today. I’m trying to get as much time in outside and in the sand as possible. This isn’t something I really do back home, so I want to make sure to soak it up.

I caught up with the girls for lunch and then spent the afternoon with them, which was a nice change of pace. I’m surprised with how much I’ve gotten to know them in such a short amount of time. I still feel like an outsider, but I also feel more integrated. We have inside jokes, we have plans to see each other when we get back, and I know more about their lives and their secrets.

Miranda went through something similar to me last year. She was engaged and then two months before her wedding she found out that her fiancé had cheated on her, so she had to confront him, end their engagement, and lost a lot of nonrefundable money on her wedding because it had been mostly planned. This makes me feel more comfortable opening up to them because I know that they know they understand where I am coming from and the stages of grief I am feeling.

I just cannot get over how beautiful the pink beaches are. This was absolutely the right place to come for our honeymoon. I don’t know if everything happens for a reason or if everything is random. If everything happens for a reason, I was meant to be here alone for some reason, and I don’t doubt it. Everything is beautiful and I feel physically at peace here. I still feel sad, but this has been a great place to grieve; not to mention the chances of running into people like Jamie and Miranda in this situation anywhere else. If everything is random, this would have been a beautiful place to have a honeymoon and I have no doubt that we would have fallen more in love here; but the random nature of life has led me here alone and I have fallen more in love with myself here.

June 20

Since I’m leaving soon I decided to take advantage of another spa day. I got another massage and then a facial. I figured I might as well because this feels like healing on another level. (I’m also not paying for it, if you know what I mean.)

The people here that give these treatments are experts. Everything feels so good and now I feel so refreshed. It’s also so refreshing to spend the day alone and in quiet, knowing that I am taking care of myself in every single way.

As I enter into the “real world” soon, I am going to keep massages in my routine as I continue to heal from this heartbreak. Maybe those feelings will take me back to this vacation.

June 21

I’ve had a great day with the girls. We ate food, had tons of sun, and laughed a lot. Since dinner I’ve been in my private pool alone and I’ve just been thinking.

Do I return gifts without opening them?

Do I write thank you cards anyway?

Do I have to call everyone invited to the wedding?

Do I have to take Tom back if he asks?

How long do I have to wait to move on?

Will I ever move on?

Is it appropriate to post my pictures from this trip?

How do I avoid the “sad eyes” from my friends and family?

I wish I could just post the beautiful pictures from this trip when I get back and not have to deal with anything else and just get back to my normal life. I don’t want to have to dwell on this anymore.

June 22

I leave this resort tomorrow. I am so sad. I still feel sad about my relationship and my ex-fiancé leaving me at the altar and embarrassing me in front of my friends and family, but I also feel sad that this time alone to grieve and move on is coming to an end. This place is beautiful and I am absolutely obsessed with the pink sand.

I’m also extremely nervous about coming back to “real life.” I’m so nervous about facing everyone and having to talk about what happened. I’m so nervous that Tom will try and talk to me and guilt me to take him back. I know this is me feeling like it would be easier to avoid everything and I have to face it all eventually, but I am so beyond nervous to go back tomorrow. I don’t know if I’ll sleep tonight, I might just spend this last night in my private pool.

June 23

It was another 13 hour flight back to the Bay Area. The whole time I just stared out the window and down at my feet. I couldn’t listen to music or read. I’m so nervous about getting back to my life. When I finally got back to my apartment there was someone standing at my door.

Tom.

I paused and ran through scenarios in my head. I considered turning around and leaving, but I decided that I wasn’t going to avoid in this new chapter. I invited him in and made coffee, even though it was late afternoon. He begged me to give him another chance. He talked about his cold feet and how he was too in his head, but after two weeks of reflecting he has no doubt he wants to be with me.

I sat there patiently, listening to every word he said. But I didn’t feel his words the way I used to. I didn’t intrinsically trust him the way I used to. There was irreparable damage done in our relationship and I have done fundamental healing away from him.

When he was finally done I told him that our honeymoon was supposed to be the start of the next chapter of our lives, and that by doing it by myself, I realized that it was the start of the next chapter of my life…and that I would be doing it alone.