Jesus Yelled at Me

Earth orbits around the Sun at a speed of approximately 67,000 miles per hour (107,000 km/hr). At the same time, Earth spins on its axis at approximately 1,000 miles per hour (1,600 km/hr).

All the while, Earth is bombarded by electromagnetic radiation from the Sun. Thankfully, the Earth produces a magnetic field – acting as a shield.

Additionally, the galaxy is hurling through space and the universe at an estimated and mind-numbing speed of 1.3 million miles per hour, and seemingly randomly. I don’t know who’s driving this thing, but I’m praying we don’t encounter a black hole. Those’ll kill you.

There are gamma rays and x-rays. All sorts of rays.

If that’s not enough, the Earth cyclically shifts between cold and hot causing volatile weather patterns, which produces flooding, hurricanes, and tornadoes. Additionally, random earthquakes, erupting volcanoes, and droughts occur – and storms producing lightning, causing wildfires also occur. And let’s not forget about rogue asteroids and meteors.

And aliens.

The Earth is overpopulated from all species. Humans especially. We can all agree on that.

Humans are not helping the problem either – they’re only exacerbating the problem.

Humans can’t get along. Countries can’t get along. Politicians can’t get along. And the media doesn’t help. Social media doesn’t help. Humans don’t even help. There’s much divide between humans who would otherwise be friends. Everything’s an issue, abortion, racism, guns, taxes, politicians, education, you name it – it’s an issue.

Species of animals and creatures are going extinct.

Killing each other for no good reason, bullying, complaining…humans complain about everything. Don’t believe me? You’re on social media, right? The biggest and easiest platform for bullying and complaining.

At any rate, humans need a good shaking. A come-to-Jesus’ moment if you will.

Please don’t take offense or think I’m writing irreverently or sacrilegiously. I’m certain I’m qualified to tell this story because I attended church until I was eighteen. I sang in the choir. 

It’s time for Jesus to come. You know, come down to Earth. Revisit. There are many interpretations and opinions on when and how this all happens, but this is my take.

God and Jesus have played rock paper scissors regularly and over the years. Jesus always wins. He’s won nearly 2,000 games. An extraordinary feat, yes. I feel like God lets him win though. Why do they play? To see if and when Jesus will return to Earth, of course.

Tonight’s a little different though. One, two, three – paper covers rock – Jesus wins. One, two, three – paper covers rock – God wins. One, two, three – rock crushes scissors – God wins. Jesus stands dumbfounded. God smiles, gives Jesus a knapsack, and sends him off.

I imagine Jesus’ hurling through space and time. Like the part in Willy Wonka where they’re riding the boat on the chocolate river or from the film A Space Odyssey where Bowman is seemingly travelling through space and time. I love that film – and the music. Don’t get me wrong, I like Willy Wonka too.

Meanwhile, God’s preparing Earth for Jesus’ arrival.

Tonight, yes tonight, you’re going to begin to hear clamor on every media outlet. I know it’s Friday and everybody’s looking forward to the weekend, but you’ll have to suck it up.

Humans begin reporting strange events, stranger than what we consider strange today. Like over-the-top strange. Everyone’s glued to their TV or mobile device – or both. They’re taking pictures, videos, and calling family and friends. Hysteria is beginning to set in.

Mysterious things are happening in the far east, but it’s already night there so it’s hard to grasp what humans think they’re experiencing. Perhaps it’s aliens. No one knows.

Strange events occur throughout the night, which is already tomorrow and into the night in the far east, but it doesn’t much matter.

By morning, complete and utter chaos is on display in my town and neighborhood. There’s no electricity, phones don’t work, mobile devices don’t work, vehicles don’t start, it’s stormy, and the street is filled with every neighbor. If all the neighbors are out at the same time, something must be wrong, right?

Groups of people are forming. They’re talking about what’s happening and speculating about what they’ve heard or seen – or had reported to them. People are crying. Normal crying and hysterical crying. People have their hands raised to the sky. Some calling for Jesus and others just raising their hands – I guess because they can or just want to fit in. Who knows.

Someone points to the sky, “What is that? Is it a plane?” Then it explodes. “Maybe we’re under attack. Maybe we’re at war. Does anyone know?” Aliens perhaps?

“Where’s Darryl? He’ll know what’s going on. Let’s go get him.”

Darryl lives at the end of the street by himself. He’s deep into two-way radio communication. Darryl is single and lives in the basement of his parent’s house – both who are now deceased.

We had to wake him up. He knows nothing. We try to explain what’s happening, so he jumps on his radio. Nothing. Nothing works.

We’re screwed.

As we walk back, we see Uncle Charlie in his backyard. He’s the neighborhood uncle. You know, helps everybody out, always has something you need. WD40, duct tape, claw hammer with a missing claw, plumber’s putty, an extra electrical panel, miscellaneous parts for fishing reels, a machine for loading shotgun shells, a grease gun, a battery charger, spare parts for lawn furniture, etcetera.

Uncle Charlie always smoked in his backyard because he thought no one could see him, even his wife. They were an older couple, always yelling – in a loving way.

A rather large group then gathers around the local church minister. He’s citing scripture from one hand and reading from the book of revelations from the other. People are deep in prayer.

Well, this is it.

The wind picks up and the temperature drops many degrees. Snow begins falling and the sun is shining. Dogs are howling, birds are flying in circles.

I keep looking for a rainbow. Nothing.

I spot little Sara from up the street. She is about eight or nine years old. She is like any child. You know, innocent and real. Not afraid to point out that someone has an abnormality. You know, stuff like that. Although, she always strikes me as wise beyond her years.

Her parents are special. They’re the type that coddle and hand out a trophy for every event – even losing a soccer game. Good job, you lost that one good.

They’re good Christian folk though.

Sara begins yelling out for the world to hear, “Jesus is coming. I know it – I can feel it. He’s coming. He’s on his way.”

The minister marks his place in his bibles and walks over to Sara. Now everyone’s hysterical. No one knows what to do or where to go.

The minister does his best to settle everyone. “We don’t know what’s happening. No sense getting hysterical.”

Uncle Charlie confronts him, “If Jesus is to come, wouldn’t you know that ahead of time. I mean, you’re a minister.” I shake my head and the minister returns to reading the scripture.

Uncle Charlie’s wife comes out of their house with a tray full of lemonade. Homemade. It’s quite good. I mean, as far as lemonade goes, she’s nailed it.

As she walks carefully to where the rest of us are standing, we hear the fire alarm blaring from the fire department and another siren – like a police siren or maybe an ambulance. Can’t say for sure.

Dave covers his ears, he’s a little different. Who knows, he may have been intercepting some alien communications.

Taking in everything around me, I begin to contemplate the question often asked in human conversation. If you could go back in time and meet any one person, who would it be? There’s no right answer, but there are certainly controversial answers.

I always respond with several answers. Someone from my family deep in my past, the person who first created the wheel, and Jesus. Yes, Jesus. Not for all the mundane reasons people give. It’s more personal than that. He’s my personal Jesus after all.

“Is that a robe or a tunic? Are those sandals the least bit comfortable? Do you really play rock, paper, scissors with God? With all due respect, I feel like overpopulation could have been stymied. I mean, I understand the drive to procreate, but if orgasms hurt things might be different. We’ve really screwed up, haven’t we?”

It wasn’t the time or place for that.

The sky opens. Sara falls to the ground and takes the pose. Is she possessed? Yes, and apparently by Jesus.

A bright light shines down forcing everyone to look away briefly. Was it him? Was it time?

A giant orb floats down and comes to rest at the end of our street, some fifty yards from us. The brightness fades. The figure walks slowly toward us. I’m certain it’s Jesus. He’s got it all, long flowing hair, beard, tunic, and sandals. He’s holding out his arms, palms up.

Lord.

It’s all surreal and pure.

Sara rises and runs to him. She all but disappears.

Jesus continues walking down the street and past many people. Some lift into the air and disappear into the sky. Others turn to dust right where they stood. But why? There were three things going on.

Wait, four things. Some people were left standing as if nothing happened.

Darryl, who I suspect had never been to church in his life, and I doubt had ever heard about Jesus, ran toward Jesus and all but disappeared just like Sara.

Uncle Charlie’s wife, still holding the tray of lemonade, was wondering why Jesus hadn’t taken a glass, I guess. Uncle Charlie was a pile of dust beside her.

Me? I stood silent and thinking, “I should’ve reached out to Jesus when he passed. I should’ve run to him. I should’ve run to him.”

Jesus reached the end of the cul-de-sac and turned around; arms still raised. He spoke. Not yelling but in a firm and loud voice. “Run to me, run to me. Reach out and touch me.” And then he yelled, as if looking directly at me, “Run to me.”

I ran like my life depended on it, grabbing a glass of lemonade as I passed by Uncle Charlie’s wife.

As I ran, I couldn’t help wondering, “Why is no one else running? Are they so paralyzed by fear that even the site and presence of Jesus himself couldn’t motivate them? What will happen to all those left still standing?”

Jesus sticks out his tongue and captures a snowflake, and yells out, “I’m here for you, come with me.”

I reach Jesus and touch him. It is glorious. Although, I was hoping for a hug.

Jesus turns away and weeps for those left standing.