The Douche Hunt

„Where I come from, the air is unbreathable,” Jack murmured to himself and took a deep breath. Here, in the countryside, the air was clean, fresh and warm. He was a bald man in his thirties, dressed in black leggings, shorts and a black hoodie. He now jogged down the road like he did every evening on his weekend getaways in the countryside. He adjusted his airpods. The sun started to set and the sky took on a beautiful shade of pink. No human in sight. Behind him, a triangle of lights flew over the evening sky and landed in a wooded area on a small hill. He didn’t notice it at all. He breathed in again and sped up a little, taking in the view. With a loud blop, his head suddenly thrust to the side, catapulting one of his airpods and a wonky flower of blood exploded from the side of his head. He fell on the tarmac. Three tall figures, dressed in metallic suits slowly walked down the hill and examined the body. Their skin was gray and blended with their suits. One of them, a female, knelt over the body. Her name was Kylaria. 

“You killed him. He’s bald. It must be one of their young!” she said and shook her head with contempt.

“I don’t know, he looks… mature,” Looran looked at the body and tilted his head.

“We don’t hunt the young,” Kylaria said calmly.

“You are morally superior to us, so I guess we should listen to you. Er… not!” Looran said, looked at Goran and they burst out laughing.

“I like that head. I want to keep his head!” said Goran, excited.

“Let’s find another one. I want a pinkie finger for my collection,” said Looran. He was like a little kid, jumping up and down. They put the man’s head and pinkie finger in a mylar bag and left the headless body in the bushes. They walked down the road, confidence emanating from every broad move. Kylaria followed them. 

“Can they see us?” Looran asked.

“Only a blur. They don’t even know what hit them,” said Goran and tapped a metallic box on his hip.

“Perfect,”

“Is this your first hunt on Terra?”

“Second,”

“Hah! You have a lot to learn,”

“Only senile males! We play by the book!” Kylaria instructed them.

“Mniah!” Goran waved his hand at her.

“Look at their primitive technology,” Looran pointed to a cell tower on the hill. 

“Pathetic,” Goran sneered.

***

“I like it here. So peaceful. and quiet,” Sean said to Ted. Ted didn’t answer. He was busy flicking bugs off his pink polo shirt. He looked at the cabin they had rented for the weekend. It was Kyle’s idea. The cabin sat in the woods, it had a deck, a fire pit and a lounge area. A great place for a group of friends. Only that they weren’t friends. They just worked at the same law firm.

“Yeah, very quiet,” said Ted visibly displeased. It was a rural kind of silence, that wasn't silent at all. Toads and crickets screamed in the green. Ted was slightly overweight and he didn’t enjoy the outdoor heat. Kyle pulled the grill out of the back of his Porsche and set it next to the fire pit. Sean opened the door to the cabin and looked inside. He turned on the lights. 

“Hey, it’s really cozy!” he said to them. They unpacked their luggage. Kyle fired up the pit and the grill. Sean set the refrigerator next to a lawn chair, opened a beer and sat down. Ted stood watching Kyle prepare the meat.

“So how’s the new wife doing?” Kyle asked Ted.

“Good, good,” he answered. 

“So, you’re doing a lot of ehe-ehe?” Kyle moved his elbows in a suggestive way.

“Yeah Ted, tell us everything. We want all the juicy details,” Sean said. Ted rolled his eyes and shook his head. Fucking idiots. 

“How are her titties? Nice and-” Kyle’s head exploded, spraying brain parts all over the hot grill.

“What the hell, man!” Ted yelled. He looked around in panic, but immediately composed himself.

“What… What… What...” Sean repeated in a stupor. 

“Come on!” Ted took Sean by the clothes and pushed him into the cabin. He closed the door, and knelt down, to search his elegant tiny suitcase. He pulled out a S&W gun and loaded it. 

“You... you brought a gun?” said Sean, still in shock.

“Of course, I brought a gun, we’re in the middle of nowhere!”

“Exactly… so why would you need a gun?” he persisted. Ted looked at him sarcastically raising his eyebrows. He sat on the floor under the window, put the spare magazine in his pocket and cocked the gun. He peeked through the curtains. Dimly lit patio, the headless body, meat scorching on the grill, beer bottles. No shooter in sight.

“I don’t understand. We only just got here. It’s pitch-black outside,” said Sean.

“He handled criminal cases. Maybe a disgruntled client?” Ted wondered.

“But who would-” said Sean.

“A lot of people, OK? He was a douche bag, Sean. That’s what happens to douche bags.” 

Ted peeked through the window again. Kyle’s body moved.

“Hey look!” he said. Sean crawled to the window and crouched beside him. He peeked outside his head shaking, eyeballs bulging.

“What? He’s alive? Without a head? Is he a zombie?” Sean squealed.

Kyle’s arm lifted up and started wobbling in the air. His pinkie finger detached itself from the body and floated in the air for a bit, turning to left and right, and then it just disappeared.

“Did you see that?” Ted hissed. Sean did see it. His mouth was wide open.

“I don’t know what I saw,” Sean said weakly.

“Fuck this!” Ted stood up, stretched his arm out and shot at the body through the glass. Bang, bang, bang, he emptied the entire magazine and with the last bullet he heard a metallic clonk and a squeak from the outside. Two aliens appeared out of nowhere.

“He got me in the leg!” Goran yelled jumping up and down.

“They got the shield generator too!” Looran said. The two were waddling around in circles, not sure what to do. Kylaria stood a small distance away and observed the two, shaking her head.

“It’s aliens! It’s fucking aliens!” Sean yelled, spraying Ted with his spit. His eyeballs drifted up in the sockets and he collapsed to the floor. Goran and Looran looked at the window. Ted didn’t wait. He loaded the gun, stood up, kicked the door open and screaming like madman shot blindly at the alien visitors, blasting them full of lead.

“Yaaaaaaah!” he yelled, and heard the gun click. They were dead. The smoke cleared and all went silent. Ted sat on the ground heavily, panting and sweating. He wiped his eyes and his forehead. 

“Don’t shoot please,” Kylaria said politely from afar.

“Who’s there?” Ted jumped up and pointed the gun at the darkness.

“I’m with… them. I’m not armed,” she answered

“Come out so I can see you!”

Kylaria walked towards the cabin in graceful, small steps. 

“I need to take their bodies. It’s intergalactic protocol. I could get in trouble if I leave them here,” she said.

“You… you speak English,” said Ted.

“Yes, we use it on many planets, because it’s the simplest form of communication.”

“OK, well, won’t you get in trouble for letting me see you?” he asked, perplexed.

“I’ll wipe your memory as soon as we’re done,”

Sean came out of the cabin, all disheveled. 

“Why did you kill him?” he pointed to Kyle’s headless body. Kylaria worked fast, arranging the two alien bodies into neat bundles. 

“Why did you do it? Answer me!” Sean yelled. Kylaria shook her head.

"We are on a hunt."

"A hunt?" Sean asked, opening his eyes wide.

“I see you are very upset. I’m sorry for what happened. He must have been very dear to you,” she said.

“Actually no. He was kind of a douche bag,” Sean stared into the darkness, in a moment of philosophical sobriety. Kylaria sighed and nodded.

“Just like these two,” she said, pushed a button on her suit and disappeared with the bodies. Ted nodded to himself. Sean shook his head, and held it with both of his hands looking at the bloody mess.

“Still, I kind of liked him. Is it weird?” he said.

“No, it’s... human,” Ted sighed. A triangle of lights lifted up into the black sky behind them and flew over the hills.