Lighthouse in the Storm

A/N: This story does revolve around the topic of depression. So please, stay safe. This is more of a poem format, and I just had an idea and wanted to write it out in a way that best suited me.

I’m watching the raindrops

pound against the window

No sun insight

Covered by gray stormy clouds

It’s dark

It’s cold

A flash of light

followed by a boom

Hope for a second

Cling onto that light

But as soon as it comes

it’s gone

The sea is violent and bleak

just like my mind

The waves are my thoughts

rolling around in turmoil

Turning into tsunamis

crashing and pounding against my skull

I’ll tell them that it’s all right

That I’m fine

But every time a wave hits me

My coastline crumbles and falls into the sea

Into the churning dark abyss

that I’m precariously dangling above

And it happens

over 

and over

and over

Again

and again

I’m losing my mind

And all that I’ll say

is that I’m okay

That I’m fine

But it’s all a lie

It’s starting to seem

that everything I say

is a lie nowadays

The coastline is battered

Torn apart

The black

sickly

dark waves

Eating away at me

I can feel myself 

Being chipped away at from the inside

Turning into an empty vessel

and I pretend not to mind

Pretend not to notice

I just keep pretending

that everything’s fine

Keep telling everyone that I’m okay

But deep inside me

I can just barely feel

the panic bubbling in my chest

Spiraling in the wind

Like a bird

Spreading its wings

Taking flight

Because I can see what’s happening to me

I can’t feel anymore

Everything I say lacks emotion

And I can’t feel anymore

I’m hollowed out from the inside

And I’m shattered

But I can’t show it

Because I knew this would happen

Nobody seems to notice

They accept my lies

Without a second thought

And just go on with their lives

Leaving me behind

And it’s so dark

And I’m so cold

I’m so lost

I’m so alone

I’m so empty

And nobody seems to notice

Nobody seems to care

So why should I?

Every day I’m putting on a mask

Hiding behind it

Because I don’t even know 

who I am anymore

I can’t remember who I am

Who I was

And all I see

Is a nobody

Somebody who doesn’t belong

I see my skinny frame

My ribs that jut out

The dark bags under my eyes

That leaves me wondering

Will I ever be enough?

I’m left to wonder

Stuck in the storm

Inside my head

That just won’t end

I’m so desperate

So imperfect

And I want so badly

to be perfect

to be flawless

To be the person 

that everyone wants to see

But I’m not 

I’m useless

My mind is rocky and barren

Crumbling

Self-destructing

Empty

And I hate it

I hate it all

So I run 

Run to the ocean

The waves are cold and rough

Like the knife in my pocket

So I sit on the edge of the rock

Just above the waves

I draw the knife

I hold it up

And I cut

Blood drips from my arm 

onto the brown rock

A wave batters me but I don’t flinch

Because I’m used to it 

I look down at the rock

And the blood is gone

Into the depths of the ocean

Like it was never there

So I keep cutting

and cutting

And more blood 

Drips onto the rock

Over

and

Over

Tainting it

So that no matter how many times

The ocean washes over it

It’ll always be there

Irreplaceable

Stained

and beautiful

In a dark way

I roll down my sleeves and head home

Nobody glances at me

Nobody looks twice 

at my baggy hoodie

Someone yells at me

To go wash the plates

And I do it

Obediently

Because I don’t know what to do anymore

I don’t know what to expect anymore

I don’t know what I want to be anymore

Because I just don’t know anything anymore

And I’ll never give it a second thought 

Because that’s the way it’s always been

Summer break is over

And I find myself not feeling any dread 

or excitement

Like I used to feel

But I’m fine

I tell myself

Over and over again

That I’m fine

that this is normal

So I put on my dark hoodie

to cover-up 

the red swollen cuts on my arm

And I walk

I don’t look three times before crossing the road

I don’t wave and greet everyone I see

I don’t walk on the sidewalk

like a careful person

Because I’m someone that I don’t know anymore

I get beat up

By the group of girls

that always beat me up

And for once 

I don’t fight back

Because I’m done fighting back

Because I don’t know how to

They finally leave me 

And I peel myself off the floor

Not feeling any pain

I’m just numb

and cold

Just like always

So I stagger to the bathroom

And slump against the stall

And just lie there

Feeling nothing

I hear the sound 

of somebody

Coming in the bathroom

Their shoes

Echo against the tile

But I just sit in the stall

The door opens

My knees are hugged against my chest

as I stare 

At the wall

Not caring who it is

The footsteps stop outside the stall

And someone gently pushes the door open

He has tan skin 

and blonde hair

He seems perfect

In every way

The complete opposite 

Of me

And I wonder 

What he wants

with a loser like me

He crouched down beside me

And leaned on the wall

I can’t say I was surprised

Because I don’t know how to feel surprised anymore

But we just sit there

Drinking in the silence

But this time

It isn’t as empty

I’m not as empty

And I can feel a spark

Of emotion

It isn’t much

But to me 

It’s my whole world

I get up to leave 

And he follows me 

We don’t talk

We just head to class

The days fly by

And life gets easier

I may have my bad days

When the seas are dark and wild

And the sun is gone

And I head back to that rock with the knife

But I also have my good days

When the seas are sparkling blue

And the sun shines brightly above me

But one day

it gets to the point

where not even the rock and the ocean can do anything for me

I can feel the spark inside of me 

stutter and flicker

And so I start to wonder

Why am I still here?

Why am I still alive?

Would anyone notice if I left?

So I walk out to the rock

And stare into the depths 

of the inky black water

for the hundredth time

And wonder 

What it would be like

To jump into them

And just fall asleep

before I fall apart

So I relax

Thinking about the blackness

I look down at the sea 

once again

And I sling my legs

over the edge of the rock

And I get ready to jump

When someone hauls me backward

Away from the edge

I scramble to get out of their grip

The rain plasters my dark black hair to my forehead

But whoever it is has an iron grip 

And they lead me away

from the rock

The knife left out on the edge

The blade stained with blood

When we make it to the beach

Away from the rocks

They let go of me

And I spin around to see who it is

And it's the boy 

from school

His blonde hair

plastered to his forehead

and what shocks me the most 

are the tears in his eyes

They spill over his cheeks

And he asks me one question

Three words

That make me freeze

"Are you okay?"

And I go silent

And I think

Am I okay?

Was what I was going to do okay?

"No," I reply. "No- I-I'm not okay."

He nods 

tears still running down his cheek 

and we walk down the beach together

I look back

and I see

the ocean consuming the knife

the knife with too much blood on it

and I'm glad

and disgusted with myself

With what I've been doing

What I've become

So I look away from the rock

And focus on where I'm headed

He leads me to a lighthouse

It's battered

The white and black stripes of paint

are peeling away

But the lighthouse still stands

It stands straight and tall

A survivor against all the storms 

the waves and the wind

And for a second

I want to be just like the lighthouse

But I shake that thought off

And climb after the boy

The stairs seem to be endless

they keep spiraling

on and on

until we finally reach the top

We sit down on a wooden bench

And look out the window at the rain

"I had an older sister," he says. "She was beautiful. Perfect in every way. We used to play up here all the time when I was younger." 

He looks at a crayon drawing lying on the ground.

"She started acting weird. Stopped coming to play with me. She was always wearing hoodies."

He closes his eyes, tears running freely.

"One day, I found blood inside her sweater sleeves. I ran to the lighthouse."

He opens his eyes.

"She climbed to the top and broke the glass. I ran after her, but I- I wasn't fast enough."

I don't have to ask what she was doing

Because I almost did it

Oh God- I almost did it-

It hits me like a freight train

The weight of realizing

That I tried to kill myself

And that ever since summer break started

I haven't shed a single tear

Not let one emotion

leak out

And for that 

I finally cry

I sob because I haven't cried in months

I haven't let anything out

I haven't told anyone anything

And what has that done for me?

I cry because someone asked me a question

About how I was feeling

And I could finally give

An honest answer

So he turns over to face me 

He's crying too

We're both crying

He cups my cheek 

With his hand

And he kisses me

And I kiss him back

I'm overwhelmed 

I'm surprised

I'm happy

I'm sad

I'm warm

I'm excited

I'm free

I'm at peace

And I love it all.