Warning: QC-IDLE-06 Highly Volatile

Transcript of Channel 8 Broadcast concerning The Song

Start Time: 5:02 PM, 08/10/2023

At 5:02 PM on the 10th of August, every TV across the United Republic of Bolgnia broadcasted this message for 10 minutes and 52 seconds. On each TV screen appeared a blank white stage and crowded heads beneath the stage. Filming location is Time Rectangle in New Yorkie City for its immaculate lighting. Atop the blank stage is a podium of stark oak wood. Behind the podium stands a man in a pin straight black tux, matching black earpiece, piercing black eyes, and with a trained forlorn and serious expression. The speaker is Agent Bob. Profile can be accessed at the Federal Bureau of Igloos (FBI) upon request by a Class-B level clearance form and security check.

Every channel, every show (Spongebob Squarepants, Crash Landing on You, The Office, Avengers: Infinity War, How to Fillet Salmon by Nick Salmoney, an O’Reily’s Ad) switched to Agent Bob speaking behind a dark oak podium atop a stark white stage. Whatever is to be announced is of the utmost importance, speaking on behalf of national security, international security, worldwide peace and justice for all, and would soon be revealed in this address.

Agent Bob: [clears throat] “I have called your attention here to make public the decision to ban this song.”

The agent’s hand reaches to the bottom right edge of the podium. He presses a black button located on the edge of the wood. The button initiates the song to play. The TV shifts to a display of the song’s music video. This music is loud, disruptive, and infectious. Among the audience members, scores of people squealed in recognition. Here is confirmation that every house knew the song, and every family was obsessed. 

Information about the band G-IDLE, past discographies, and their songs are archived in the Library of Congress and must be accessed upon request. 

Lyrics that played:

~QUEENCARD, I’M TOP,

~MY BOOB AND BOOTY’S HOT

~SPOTLI-

The audio cuts out and the agent clears his throat. 

Agent Bob: “To those who do not know this song, the title of this music production is “Queencard,” a song belonging to the band G-IDLE.” [Agent Bob signs the hand sign of G-IDLE band (opposing thumbs touching, one hand above the other), as to accommodate for all forms of G-IDLE recognition] “As of tonight, at exactly 11:59 PM, the government is blocking this song from all streaming platforms, music-sharing websites, and download internet hubs.”

Agent Bob’s dialogue pauses. The audience present at his announcement roared with fury. 

[Sidebar: Transcriptionist unable to record all audience dialogue due to high population density present, high volume of speaking, and high intensity of speaking]

Audience:

“What!? But, the dance is so addictive. It makes me go loco!”

“I have it saved everywhere, the CD is literally in my bag!!”

“Everyone likes it! The girly girls, the band kids, the nerds, the tomboys! Are you really gonna take this away from the freaking tomboys?!”

Agent Bob: “ENOUGH!” [fidgets with his tie, fixes his suit, clears his throat] “We understand how this may be difficult to understand. But, my associates and I have collected evidence with which we, I, will now use to reason your worries and hopefully, make you understand that this decision is for the better.”

Agent Bob proceeds to point to the blank white screen behind him. The screen comes online with Exhibit A: HUG (Hainville University for Girls) Video Footage (03_13_2023), the first piece of evidence.

Agent Bob: “It started when the song first came out, during which was also many state-funded and privately owned universities’ midterm and final exam test-taking periods. Under normal circumstances, students across Bolgnia would be studying and honing their intelligence. However, as this video will show, the opposite occurs.”

The video, streaky and not high resolution, comes online. A standard library room (rows of white tables seating three chairs each) with books lined up on the table. However, rather than the students working, the video shows the song playing across multiple phones on the desks and the students (all female, approx. 19 years of age, Engineering majors) dancing in the middle of the room. 

Students:

~QUEENCARD, I’M THE TOP

~I’M TWERKING ON THE RUNWAY

~I AM A QUEENCARD, YOU WANNA BE THE QUEENCARD

[past this point is where the point of pause was scheduled to be. 

However, Agent Bob was seen nodding his head along to the rhythm, therefore adding an addition two seconds for Agent Bob to sober from the song and return to his presentation]

~I’M A QUEENCARD, I’M A QUEENCARD, I’M A, I’M A-

Agent Bob: “As you can see, the students in this video, as students were across the entire nation, were distracted, unfocused, and irresponsible with the valuable learning resources they were given. We have statistics from nearby dance studios filling up learning the dance, a surge in TikTok and Instagram dance cover videos in Bolgnia, and a rapid decrease in the cumulative GPA of all students at a number of the top universities in Bolgnia, HUG included.”

The stage screen shows aforementioned statistics. 

Agent Bob: “I reposit that the song ban was needed to ensure that Bolgnian education does not take a fall, not only for the incoming adults that will lead the world into an era of peace but also for the children who will learn from such an example. Know that we are thinking of the children.” [pause] “Moving on to the next piece of evidence.”

Agent Bob points to the screen as Exhibit B: Time Lapse of Lionel International College of Kinetics (LICK) Tailgate (04/14/2023). 

Agent Bob: “Here is a time lapse over the course of two days taking place at Lionel International College, or LICK, as they call it in Piturare County. As you watch it, notice how the Sunday tailgate for the football game that weekend begins at 1300 hours on April 14, and does not end until 2300 hours on April 15. I beg the audience to pay close attention to the song that overlays the video.”

The time lapse reveals the song plays every hour of the ongoing tailgate. Without regard for the student population or time of day, the song attracts crowds of students swarming onto the courtyard of LICK’s business campus. 

The contents of the video are archived in VHS in the Library of Congress and can only be accessed when requested with an A-class clearance form and security check. Reasons for this include: alcohol consumption for minors, bizarre “twerking” patterns, and an unpredictable amount of absurd adlibs throughout the song.

Examples:

~I’M A QUEENCARD, I’M THE QUEEN OF HEARTS

~I’M THE TOP, I’M MARCHING DOWN THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD

~I’M TWERKING ON THE RUNWAY, I’M TWERKING ON THE RABBIT’S FACE

[Various other iterations of the song lyrics, but due to their quantity and high volume of delivery, transcriptionist and videographer were unable to capture all of them.]

One thing of note: At 0600 hours on April 15, there was a man in a mankini running around the tailgate courtyard with a giant blow-up hotdog on his back, chanting “G-IDLE MY IDOL” at the top of his lungs for half an hour. The man was later identified as Bofa Peanut. Bofa has since been interviewed for his wild behavior and only responds with “I. Am. Queencard.”

Video plays for approximately 20.53 seconds.

Agent Bob: [whispering through the mic] I’m a queencard, I’m a queencard, I’m a I’m a I’m a queencard 

At this point, we take note that Agent Bob did not realize he was mic’ed. He straightened up immediately after his humming spell, cleared his throat and proceeded with his presentation. 

Agent Bob: “As you can clearly see, the addictive properties of the song make it a hazard during exam season, but during any given day. This song has the potential to ruin the entire livelihood of Bolgnia’s future generations.” [light pause, intended for dramatic effect] “Think of the children.”

Agent Bob: [nods to himself, huffs out his breath and points to the screen for Exhibit C: Costume Party (05_015_2023)] “Here, you will see comparisons of the music video and stage performance costumes of the band cross-referenced with various police statements and eye-witness complaints talking of ” [At this point, Agent Bob retrieves from atop the podium a folder given to him by Agent Cube detailing aforementioned evidence] “‘sexy cutie lovely fits’ and ‘public kpop dance.’ The surge in such public disturbances led to vandalism, borderline robbery and assault, and just general impropriety. I mean….JUST LOOK!”

Agent Bob furiously turns his body to the screen.

Exhibit C: Costume Party (05_015_2023) is an excerpt of an Instagram live video taken by the account @g-idle_in_my_lion_bag at Sister Leona Aldrich Park (SLAP) in Hills DeHill, Hinnie. 

[Due to the privacy rights involved with Instagram business and the publicity of the broadcast, transcriptionist has received clearance to record Exhibit C in this document only in the context of Agent Bob’s government broadcast.]

SLAP is a large recreational park located at the center in the upper middle class neighborhood of Hills DeHills. Structures include a calisthenics equipment set up, a playground, a fountain, a baseball stadium, grass areas with flowers, bushes and the country tree Mango Latata Tree, and a basketball court. 

Exhibit C: Costume Party (05_05_2023) takes place with the baseball stadium. Dozens of cars parked on the baseball field. A large speaker sits at the center with all the cars (range from Honda civics to a hot pink Ferrari) around it. At the beginning of the song, car passengers race out of the car, leap onto the car hoods, and begin dancing. 

Zoom-ins done on multiple passengers.

Passenger A (forest green Subaru Outback): dressed with a sparkly Chanel top covered in pipe cleaners and cotton balls, and a pair of tie-dyed blue and gold Diesel shorts dancing to the song, who fell

~LOOK SO COOL, LOOK SO SEXY LIKE KIM KARDASHIAN

~LOOK SO CUTE, LOOK SO PRETTY LIKE ARIANA

[below are not real lyrics, but adlibs of Passenger A)

~OH HECK YES I AM AS PRETTY AS THEM WOO

~QUEENCARD

on the roof of her car, but proceeded to get back up and keep dancing throughout the song’s progression.

Passenger B (matte black Honda Civic): dressed in a glittering tank top, with rhinestone spaghetti straps and dangling jingles (after research, we can confirm "dangling jingles" is the technical term for the fashion accessory), and a black mini skirt climbs on top of his car and dances to the song. He is seen twerking back and forth and hopping in between and on top of cars, sometimes recruiting others to jump atop cars with him. 

~LET’S GO, LADIES

~I’M TWERKING ON THE RUNWAY

Passenger C (hot pink Ferrari): hot pink wig, hot pink shoes and shorts, fuscia pink long sleeve cropped shirt with lips painted across ir. She does a cartwheel off her car and runs to the speaker where she climbs atop the speaker and salsas to the song’s bass rhythm. Audio from her could not be recorded due to the radio’s interference.

While Exhibit C: Costume Party (05_05_2023) is being shown, the audience cheers at the screen. Agent Bob becomes irritable and frustrated.

Agent Bob: “As seen here, its…” [clears throat over the ruckus] “LISTEN! THIS IS ANARCHY! A COMPLETE DISREGARD FOR THE RULES AND REGULATIONS OF PROPRIETY AND WE AS A SOCIETY CANNOT STAND FOR IT!”

From the crowd, there was a resounding scream as the stage was swarmed by the audience, all dressed like Passengers A, B, and C. We acknowledge that this was a citizen protest. “Storm him!”

Agent Bob grasped onto the podium mic and called for backup. However, whatever agents arrived for crowd control ended up falling victim to what we now discuss as the dance virus. 

After tireless study, we discovered a glitch in the speaker and screen system during the broadcast. Once the audience stormed the stage, the song “Queencard” played at the highest possible volume and the music video was projected onto the screen. Every participant began dancing on air, and we theorize there was a similar phenomenon in the houses of Bolgnia that day. 

We have classified this phenomenon as the dance virus, brought forth by a complete “catchiness” of the song that is completely and totally addictive to the point of infection. Those who fall victim are never projected to recover, forever enslaved to the uncontrollable allure of the song they dance to. 

Agent Bob: [cries] “Please, have mercy. This…this is complete disorder. Chaos on another level. We must stop.”

Audience Member (later identitied as Minnie Joon Kensington IV): “Don’t fight it, boo! You are a slaying queeennnn! Queencard!”

Minne drags Agent Bob to the right quadrant of the stage and teaches him the dance. Within seconds, Agent Bob is seen untying his tie, throwing it into the air and peeling off his jacket and dress shirt to reveal a G-IDLE concert T-shirt. I Never Die tour.

Agent Bob: “Enough pretending! I can’t hide it anymore, I’m a Neverland! And I am never going back! I’m never giving up this song, this life anymore!”

Minnie: “Damn straight, you’re not! What are you?”

Agent Bob: [shouting and dancing the choreography to the song] “I’m a queencard, I’m a queencard, WOOOHOOO!”

Minnie: “I’m a, I’m a, I’m a queencard!”

Audience Member #2 (later identified as Shuhua Wangcho Chang III): “Let’s set something on fire and watch it burn! WOOHOOO, Queens at work!”

Agent Bob: “I know where the pyrotechnic equipment is being stored. Let’s go!”

The broadcast continues until the end of the song, with what dancers call a “collective twerk” accompanied by one of the largest fireworks displays known to man. The broadcast ends. 

Note from Director:

The dance virus continues to ravage the Bolgnian countryside even to this day. Transcript is now being downloaded for evidence for investigation on dance virus cure. Cure entitled: BLACKPINK’s “Pink Venom” reprise by new upcoming YG Group BABY MONSTER. 

This is that pink venom. We’re going to taste that pink venom. A new era beholds us Bolognas.