The Waiting Room

My eyes fluttered open and the first thing I was aware of was the fact that I was standing in a line, a really long line. In front of me stood a row of women, men, and the occasional child. Everyone looked confused but no one stepped out of line. Behind me, another endless row of people stretched on, but these people had their eyes shut, almost like they were sleepwalking.

The sky was an eerie gray, empty, and endless. As the line advanced, the people behind me slowly began to wake up as well. I felt my feet move without my brain commanding it. We had to be drugged or maybe in a coma. I thought post-apocalyptic death situations like these only happened in movies. The only thing I was sure of was my fear and a very pungent smell coming from the front end of the line.

A high pitched beep rang across the line. I attempted to cover my ears but my arms were locked in place at my sides. My face twisted into the same pained expression that everyone around me exhibited. Our only freedom was our face, maybe so whoever planned to torture us could get the satisfaction of seeing our pain.

“Announcement will begin in two minutes and thirty-four seconds, prepare to listen.” The voice was distinctly female. Her words were crisp and sharp. 

The next two minutes passed quickly with the same routine. The rhythm was simple, step, step, pause, pause, pause. We were all small parts of a larger machine, individual notes in a song.

Our numbing march to I don’t even know where was halted by the screeching beep. 

“Announcement: my master would like to personally welcome you to the Waiting Room. Your memories will be restored ten minutes before your evaluation. Consider what you’ve done with your lives. Are you a good, or a bad person? This decision is very important do not be anything less than rawly truthful to yourself.”

Panic seeped through every nerve in my body from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. It set my muscles on fire and despite my brain yelling at my body to run, my body was a slave to something else: the “master”.

A few feet forward was a sign drilled into the hard rock floor. In a blaring bold font, the yellow sign read: “Ten minutes until your evaluation. The master will now gift you your memories.”

I watched my foot pass the sign. All the air left my body. I can’t possibly describe the sensation. It felt like I was being crushed or I was at the very bottom of the ocean with the weight of the whole world on me. My brain burned with memories. Each moment of my life flashed before my eyes.

I was in a gang, but for good reasons. My family needed the money, my son needed the food, and just a small part of me enjoyed the robberies. I remember the words from the announcement. Am I a good person?

I would like to think so. The alternative to joining the gang would be giving in to an incredibly flawed system. Yes, it would have been the right thing to do but that would’ve left my family starving. The money from working a minimum wage job (the only job I was qualified for) would just barely allow for my survival and besides, the gang rarely did any actual harm. The people and businesses we stole from always deserved it. Either they had more money than they actually needed and could easily replace anything stolen or they were abusive to people like us. Why should we be obligated to feed into the system that gives us absolutely nothing? Sometimes doing the “correct” thing isn’t always the right thing.

In my town, it was no secret that poorer families had to endure painful lives filled with endless working. We wouldn’t get an early retirement in the Bahamas, or people to do stuff for us. We were the people doing the stuff. Whether it’s working at a fast-food restaurant or being a maid. As long as the rich people are benefiting why should they care about us. 

That’s why I joined. My son could have toys, he could go to daycare and make friends, my dad could have money for medicine, I could afford rent, and I could get a little payback on the people who caused so much pain for so many people. I am a good person because I helped the people I loved and got revenge on the people who were bad to us. 

I became alert again and realized I was two people away from the end of the line. There was no door, nowhere to go. I watched as the person at the front of the line walked forward and then vanished. This couldn’t be real. The drugs must be causing me to hallucinate.

It was finally my turn. I walked forward and shut my eyes. When I opened them again I was in what looked like a large office. A man sat in a chair behind a desk. He motioned for me to sit in the corresponding chair in front of him. It wasn’t like I had a choice anyway. 

“You are nearing the end of your stay at the Waiting Room. You have been asked to consider the life you’ve lived up until this point. I know you have many questions. The only answer I can provide is that you have died. Do not be afraid. The deterioration of your physical body is just the beginning of your new eternal life. The way you live that new life will be decided now.”

I wanted to scream. The feeling of knowing that I died was almost as crushing as getting a whole life’s worth of memories back. The man paused for only a few seconds before continuing on with his pre-rehearsed lecture. 

“Forget whatever former beliefs about death you may cling to. You will leave the Waiting Room shortly and be sent to either Felicity or the Void. Yes, we did have you think of if you’ve been a good person or a bad person but that wouldn’t be a completely bias-free opinion. It is tradition to bring in two people to come to an agreement on where you will spend the rest of eternity: the person you hurt the most and the person you gave the most happiness.”

The man pulled a file out of his large desk and I watched his eyes scan the paper. He looked confused and read it through multiple times before finally speaking again, this time in a more apprehensive tone. 

“Forgive me, it seems as if you only have one person listed. This very rarely happens but I suppose the person you hurt is also the person you loved. In any case, those people, uh sorry, that person waits in the room to your left. You have ten minutes.”

As I walked towards the room, I thought of who this person could be. Prior, I assumed the pain person would be someone I robbed or maybe my ex-husband. I never expected they would be the same person. The door opened without me having to touch anything. 

“Dad?”

“Yes honey, we have quite a lot to discuss and very little time to do it.”

“I don’t understand, I gave you so much!”

“But at what cost? I warned you time and time again that I would never be happy with you in the gang, no matter how much you brought home for the family.”

“Everything I did was for you” I chocked out, quickly wiping the tears that had begun to stream down my face.

“Stop lying to yourself, there was always a part of you that enjoyed hurting those people. I would see the hidden smiles after you returned from ‘work’. Even if some of those people caused you great pain, it would be your victory to keep your head up and continue trying. You gave up before evening trying. Stealing was easier than working and you took the easy path” he was now crying too.

“Dad, I-”

“I love you so much honey, but I have to do what’s right.”

“Fine! Maybe I do enjoy it but that doesn’t change the fact that my priority was always you and my son.”

“The gang got you killed! You left behind your son, you ignored my warnings, and now you’re dead. You lost everything and you’re too blind to see it. You might have had no money, but you had family, you had love, you had a good life, but to you, the gang was worth more than all of that” now he was yelling and his voice cracked with every new sentence.

The man from the desk walked in signaling our time was up. 

“Now, the moment you have been waiting for. What is your decision, sir? Should she be sent to Felicity and be at peace or go to the Void where she will be tormented until proven a changed person.”

I pleaded to my father with my eyes. Our teary eyes made contact. For a moment his eyes softened and he smiled at me. It wasn’t a cynical smile or a vengeful smile, it was the smile only a father could give to his daughter. I knew he would realize eventually that I always loved him deeply.

Suddenly his sad smile shifted into a hardened expression.

“Send her to the Void. Remind her every day of what she lost, no not lost, gave up. Her son will live a long life without her and when his time comes, let him decide her fate. I reckon he will not be happy after spending his whole life wondering about his mom.”

“Dad please don’t do this, I’m your daughter!” I collapsed at his feet, a mess of tears.

“And he was your son.”

And with that, I watched my father walk out of the room, he didn’t look back.