Before and After

‘Welcome to the waiting room. One of our instructors will be with you shortly. Thank you for your patience.’ Thomas sprang up from the couch at the sound of the robotic female voice. It sounded like it came through speakers, but after examining the room for the source he found nothing. No sign of speakers, no cameras either, but that didn’t stop him from feeling watched. 

Thomas stood up and wandered around the room, trying to settle his nervous stomach and figure out where he was. There wasn’t much to look at. There was a door, which he hardly noticed at first, it almost sank into the pure white wall. There was also the green couch, which Thomas had woken up on, and a large flat television like something out of a magazine. The television was directly opposite the couch. Other than these few items, there was nothing in the room. Just plain walls with no decoration. The room smelled like a mall, one of the nice ones that spray perfume through the air vents. It smelt slightly floral, which did not help the growing sick feeling Thomas felt in his stomach.

After what seemed like both an eternity and just a few short moments the door opened and a man in a cherry red bellhop uniform stepped into the room. He looked strange to Thomas, like someone stolen out of time, but the sight of another human was comforting nonetheless. The man was talking to Thomas while taking a rather large key and turning it in the door, locking them both inside. In any other situation, Thomas might have felt concerned, but he found that he struggled to experience anything other than queasiness.

‘Sorry for the wait, sir. It’s very busy today. We’ve had some new arrivals, and a few of us are off sick.’ He had a friendly but professional demeanour, but Thomas again had a niggling feeling that something wasn’t quite right.

‘Hi, my name is –’

‘Thomas, yes I know. Don’t worry, I’ve read the file.’, interrupted the man.

‘And you are?’ Thomas queried.

‘Oh, of course, my name is Percy. I’ll be your instructor today.’ His voice was soothing and gentle. Thomas couldn’t place the accent, it was mostly neutral but slightly English.

‘I’m sorry this is a bit embarrassing. I don’t know why I’m here, I don’t remember much. Where am I?’ Thomas reached out his hand to shake Percy’s, Percy shook the hand and then ushered for Thomas to sit down.

‘Well, you’re in a waiting room of sorts, you were in an accident. You shouldn’t feel any pain though. Yes?’

‘I feel a bit sick.’

‘That’s normal, that’s a product of being in the waiting room. What I’m going to tell you might sound unsettling, but you should be feeling very calm, yes?’ Percy inquired.

‘I do feel calm. Don’t worry, I won’t get upset. I just want to go home please.’  Thomas’ voice wavered as he spoke.

‘That’s fine, we can make that decision in a bit.’

Percy pulled out a remote control and the television flickered to life. 

‘Please take a seat, Thomas.’

‘Okay, Percy.’

Percy looked at Thomas, his cheeks turning up into a small smile, Thomas got the feeling that people didn’t remember his name very often. 

‘You’ve got a difficult decision to make Thomas. I’m going to tell you some information before we watch the clip. Remember to stay calm, if you ever feel like the information I’m giving you is too much just tell me to stop.’

‘Yes, that sounds fine. I have to admit Percy, you’re making me a bit nervous. What’s all this about?’

‘Do you remember where you were before coming here?’ Percy asked.

‘No.’ Thomas squirmed.

‘Well, you were in a car with some of your friends. You weren’t exactly... sober.’

‘Am I dead?’ Thomas began to shake.

‘No, not yet. You’re not conscious Thomas. We are going to decide if you want to wake up again.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘You can return to the world; you would wake up in a hospital.’

‘Great, what are we waiting for? Let’s do that!’ Thomas straightened his shirt and made for the door.

‘There are some things you need to know before I’m allowed to let you make a decision.’ Percy held out a hand to prevent Thomas from going further.

‘What do you mean?’

‘The repercussions for your behaviour won’t go away. You should know that Laurence has lost his life.’ Percy explained softly but firmly, placing a hand on one of Thomas’ shoulders.

‘Why didn’t he choose to wake up?’ Thomas asked, unmoving. His arms went limp, he wasn’t quite sure what to do with this information.

‘He didn’t get a choice, Thomas. This place is only for those whose life hangs in the balance. Life and death only become an option for you when you fall into this category.’ Percy explained.

‘What do you mean?’ Thomas demanded.

‘Well, you are unconscious and on the edge of life. It could go either way for you. At times like this, we allow a person to choose whether they would prefer to live or die -’ 

‘That’s a load of rubbish,’ Thomas interrupted. ‘I would’ve heard about this place sooner if that happened. People would choose to live and tell us about this place! Now move out of the way, I want to go home!’ Thomas pushed past Percy trying to grasp at the door. 

‘You won’t remember your decision. No one does.’ 

‘You don’t know what you’re talking about. This isn’t happening. You don’t understand. I have to get back home. I don’t want to be here anymore! It’s not funny!’ Thomas tried to push past Percy but he was too heavy to move. After some time of frustrated grunting and shoving Thomas tired and took a step back.

‘Laurence is dead, Thomas. You need to understand what has happened so you can make a decision.’

‘Laurence is dead.’ Thomas repeated a wave of grief and guilt flooded through him.

‘Just give me a minute Percy, I need some silence.’ Thomas asked softly. Percy retreated to a corner and hung his head. 

Thomas pulled himself up and settled on the couch, curling into a ball. He thought of Laurence and his life, they had been friends for almost eight years. He was one of Laurence’s groomsmen. What would his wife think? Their young child would grow up without a father. 

Hours passed before the panic began to subside. Thomas focused on his breathing and very slowly began to get his thoughts back under control. He knew that the only thing he could do was to choose what would happen to himself.

‘Percy, what should I do?’ Thomas asked. Percy lifted his head and gazed towards Thomas.

‘I cannot tell you, but I can show you what’s happening in your life at the moment if you wish.’ Percy replied.

‘Okay, how does that work?’

Percy reached into his pocket and pulled out a television remote.

‘So that’s what this is for?’ Thomas asked, ‘Is it connected to my life?’

‘Sort of,’ Percy replied, ‘think of it as your own personal surveillance, only activated during times like this. Everyone has a channel. It is only used to help people make decisions. People tend to find it helpful when they can look at what they are leaving behind, or returning to. We have found that people have better decision-making tendencies when looking at the big picture. It is necessary for us to provide context.’

‘Are you human?’

‘Not exactly, but that’s not so important now, your life hangs in the balance, shall we examine it? You may find it disturbing, but again, take as long as you need to process .’ Percy began pushing more buttons on the remote.

‘Yes, okay.’ Thomas hesitated. Settling himself into the couch. 

The screen flickered to life, there he was, behind the wheel. The picture was frozen. He could see all of his friends in the car. Laurence, beside him in the front passenger’s side, the life gone from his eyes, parts of the car were shattered; they scored his face. Thomas averted his eyes and took a few deep breaths. 

‘I’m sorry Thomas, but it’s important that you make an informed decision.’

‘I just need a minute.’ Thomas uttered quickly trying to control the panic that was rising along with the bile in his throat.

‘Take all the time you need.’

Eventually, Thomas was able to lift his eyes back up to the screen, he couldn’t look at Laurence again. Instead, his gaze went to Amy, of course. She was in the car too. She occupied the back seat. His eyes locked onto hers, Amy was reaching forward and had her hand on his shoulder. Thomas reached up, attempting to grab the phantom hand where it would’ve been holding him. His eyes watered, he couldn’t feel her. 

Amy was his girlfriend, they weren’t anything serious yet. They had just started dating a month ago. Yet here she was in the back of his car reaching for him. He couldn’t help her, he couldn’t save her. 

‘Why do I need to see this Percy?’ Thomas asked, tears slipping down his face; his hands reached up and aggressively swiped them away.

‘You need to make an informed decision,’ replied Percy ‘It won’t be easy if you choose to live, you need to see the lives you’ve impacted. You need to know what you will experience if you return to your body.’

‘I don’t want to,’ said Thomas, ‘what happens if I die? Where do I go?’

‘I’m not authorised to tell you. You must make a decision based on your life, not based on your comfort.’ 

‘What do you mean?’ Thomas clenched his fists in frustration. ‘How am I supposed to make an informed decision with only half of the information?’ Thomas felt liquid run down his hand, he glanced at it and noticed blood. Opening his palm, he examined the nail marks. He tried his best to calm down, take deep breaths. 

‘If you know you will go to hell you will choose to live. If you know you will go to heaven you will choose to die. You cannot make decisions based on where you will spend your afterlife. You have to make your choice based on the lives you’ve altered.’ As Percy explained, he reached into one of his pockets and took out a bandage. 

‘You guys are really prepared for everything huh? Your system sucks, but I guess it makes sense in a convoluted way.’ By the religious rules, Thomas thought he was pretty sure he was going to hell, but wouldn’t facing the people he’d hurt be hell anyway? ‘Isn’t this cruel though? Why can’t you just let the accident decide if I live or die, or the hospital staff? I don’t understand. Why do I have to choose?’ 

‘Mankind has always wanted to take life into their own hands, when we allowed them to do it they became angry. We gave man their choice in the only way we were able to. It turns out they didn’t want to be gods after all.’ Percy was looking at the television, staring at all of the lives Thomas had endangered.

‘Do you blame me?’ Thomas asked.

‘No, It is not my place to blame. We understand that humans tend to blame themselves and others, we realise that blame is not conducive to healing and decision making. It tends to cloud judgement.’ Percy replied.

Thomas slumped in his chair. His body felt heavy. It was difficult to describe, he felt so full of emotion and so empty of feeling at the same time. He knew that he was feeling some sort of emotion, but it was buried so deep down in his soul that he couldn’t access it. Maybe that was for the best, he didn’t know what would happen if he let his emotions back. 

‘How can I forgive myself?’ Thomas asked in a quiet whisper.

‘I don’t know,’ Percy replied ‘I have never had to experience forgiveness or the process of forgiving. I wish I could provide further assistance.’ 

‘Lucky for some’ Thomas scoffed. ‘Who are you anyway?’

‘This is my purpose, I am here, as you are on earth.’

‘Yes, but who put you here? How did you end up here?’ Thomas sighed, annoyed with the circular answers.

‘You know that I cannot answer that question. It would provide too much insight about the afterlife. I am unable to answer questions that would sway your decision.’ Percy explained.

‘You’re a real stickler for the rules aren’t you Percy?’

‘I am incapable of answering questions that I am not permitted to answer. I’m sorry Thomas, I also have no choice in this matter.’

‘That must be rough, at least I have freewill.’

‘Yes Thomas, that’s why you have to make this decision.’

The room went silent, Thomas deep in thought and Percy waiting to assist. The weight of his world was on Thomas’ shoulders and he wasn’t quite sure what he was supposed to do with it. 

‘Will Amy live?’ Thomas’ head lifted up suddenly, staring Percy in the eyes.

‘That is an unknown. We cannot tell the future, we only deal with what is in the present.’ Percy replied.

‘What can you tell me about the accident?’

‘Amy was in the car accident, she was sitting on the side furthest away from the collision point. The accident was caused by the driver, Thomas Thorn, who ran a red light while under the influence. This accident has caused three deaths-’

‘Three? Only Lawrence di- the other car. Percy, what happened in the other car?’

‘Two people were in the front seat of the car. A father and daughter. The father was killed on impact, the daughter who was not wearing a seatbelt was also killed on impact. There were no other passengers in the car.’

‘A family. What about the family? The wife, the mother, any siblings?’

‘I am unable to provide you with that information, sorry Thomas.’

‘How am I supposed to do this? How can I possibly make this decision? It will affect so many lives!’

‘Your decisions already have Thomas, you were able to make the choice that caused the accident while on earth. You must now display the same decision-making abilities now.’

‘That was different, I didn’t know what was going to happen! How could I have known that I would cause an accident?’

‘You knew that it was statistically probable that you could cause an accident. You still got behind the wheel. You knew that it was not safe to drive in your condition and you chose to play with fate. How is this choice any different?’

‘I didn’t know that anybody would get hurt.’

‘You were told.’

‘Well, no one is telling me now!’ 

‘You need to make your decision.’ Thomas took a moment, walked across the room and remained there until his facial features softened. 

‘Will I cause more harm if I go back to earth, Percy?’ 

‘Only you can decide that.’

‘With no memories?’ Thomas scoffed. 

‘You will have memories of what you did on earth. You will not remember this place or any resolutions you made here.’ A silence settled in the room, Thomas somehow knew what he had to do.

Have you made your decision Thomas?’

‘I think so.’

‘Then follow me.’ Percy unlocked the white door and led Thomas along a long hallway, the pristine white walls fell away and the carpeted floor turned to metal grating as they made their way along the walkway.

‘We are higher up than I thought.’ Thomas mentioned, gazing over the metal railings. 

‘This establishment has many levels. Although, we only deal with cases of your kind. The department has grown recently. We’ve even had a few repeat visitors you know.’ Percy made small talk as they rounded corners.

‘Am I making the right choice Percy?’ Thomas changed the subject, it was hard to think about corporate growth when facing life or death choices. 

‘Everyone who visits here has a one hundred per cent chance of making the correct decision for themselves. Decisions cannot be made with a firm knowledge of the future. They must be made in everyday choices and every day second chances.’ Percy theorised. 

‘How can you be sure that we are making the correct choices for us?’ Clarified Thomas. 

‘That depends on your definition of best.’ Percy slowed to a halt in front of two doors. They were large and white, similar to the one in the room they had just come from. Above them hung two neatly lettered signs, labelled Before and After.

‘Are you ready?’

‘Yes.’ Thomas and Percy stepped forward together. Percy’s white-gloved hand put the key in the lock and turned it slowly, the door cracked open and a brilliant white light spilt into the room.  

‘Don’t worry if you hear any alarming noises while going through the door. It’s just your conscious readjusting to its surroundings. The passage can be difficult, but it will be over soon.’ Percy smiled as he held open the door for Thomas to pass through.

‘Thank you for your guidance Percy, have a good one.’

‘You too, Thomas, you too.’ Percy replied to Thomas’ back, once Thomas had cleared the door, Percy turned the key once more, put it in his pocket and walked to his next assignment.