Kevin and Phillip

The doorbell rang for the third time when Kevin finally called up the basement stairs.

"Really?" He shouted. He was met by silence. He cleared his throat and again yelled up the stairs. "Phillip, I know you hear that!" 

"What's that?" Phillip yelled back.

Kevin huffily stomped over the bottom of the basement stairs, looking up at the open door. "Phillip, you have the ears of a godamn canine! Get off of your furry ass and go answer the door!" He nodded his head satisfactorily as he heard the shuffling and subsequent grumbling of his domestic life partner.

He continued to fold Phillip's torn pants, desperately fighting the urge to trash and burn every tacky pair of them. "Can't throw 'em away, babe; it's the look," said Kevin in an abnormally husky voice. He reached into the dryer to grab his favorite cardigan and sighed. There was literally one thing he missed from being human, and that was the feel of a cardigan, fresh out of the dryer, against his skin.

Other than that, being a vampire was fantastic. He was turned in his late twenties and couldn't have picked a better age if he had tried. Thank God, because he had met plenty of the dusty old "I vant to suck your bloood" vampires, and all of them were total divas. The capes were ridiculous, the coffins way too macabre, and the hissing? "What is that?" thought Kevin. "Who hisses?"

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Phillip speaking with someone. "Ohp, hang on a second bud." He said in his deep, gruff voice. "Pretty sure you're looking for my partner," Phillip called down. "Ayyy babe?"

"Yeah?" responded Kevin.

"There's someone here to see you."

They had just moved to the neighborhood, so Kevin couldn't think of anyone that could be there to see only him. Phillip was probably trying to pass the buck and get back to his football game. Kevin made it to the top of the stairs when the smell of garlic first hit him, and he then realized who was at the door. Christians.

"Oh, godamnit!" he said aloud to himself. He walked across the kitchen and into the foyer where Phillip stood. He stepped around Phil's gigantic, hairy body and saw a whole troupe of people holding bibles, with a man in the front, obviously a priest, clutching a large wooden crucifix. The cross shook in the man's hands as he held it up in front of him dramatically. 

"Hiiii," said Kevin in a singsong voice. "Here to welcome us to the neighborhood, I'm guessing?"

The priest was a man in his sixties, balding, and portly. He was very pale at the moment and quite clammy as well. He continued holding the cross shakily and recited a passage from the bible he had in his other hand. "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil-

The priest was interrupted by the sound of Kevin's snorting. "Ephesians?!" Kevin asked rhetorically, trying to stifle his laughter.

Phillip began clapping his enormous claws together slowly. "That is one deep cut, bro," he said. "It's been a hot minute since we heard Ephesians."

The priest audibly gulped as Kevin pursed his lips and blinked slowly at him. "I believe you were in the middle of banishing us." 

Suddenly, a little old lady at the back of the group burst forward, holding something shiny in her hand. She walked right up to Phillip and pressed what looked to be a silver spoon to his leg.

The werewolf looked down to the spoon touching his leg and then back up to the woman's gaze as she trembled fearfully. "Uhm... Ow?" said Phillip questioningly. 

With that, the entire group, with their bibles, crosses, and spoons, ran away screaming.

"Come back anytime, guys!" Kevin called after them. He turned to Phillip. "Did she just try to stab you with a spoon?"

Phillip shook his head and gave his long wolf snout a scratch. "Nah. It was more of a light poke. Probably thinks it burns my skin or something ridic-..." Phillip stopped in mid-sentence. His ears twitched, then perked up. His eyes dilated, and his snout began wriggling as it sniffed the air. "Son of a BITCH!" he yelled as he dashed to the front window.

Kevin groaned. "Philly, It's not worth it." Phillip ignored his partner and started to yell/bark out of the window.

"HEY! I know what you've been doing, you flat-faced chode! That is MY lawn!"

Kevin walked over to the window to see with which neighborhood dog he was getting into it. "Please don't be with a small child," he said under his breath. He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw it was a middle-aged man walking a pug.

Phillip remained focused on the dog. "Keep starin, you bug-eyed piece of shit! I. Will. End. You!" he screamed.

The man walking the dog could only stare with his mouth agape. Sorry, Kevin mouthed to the man. The man and his dog took off at a brisk pace, and just as Phillip began to relax, they both heard a singular, distant bark.

Phillip lost his cool entirely, dashed for the door, and ran out in the front yard. "YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW MY MOTHER! SHE RAISED EIGHT PUPPIES, AND SHE DID IT ON HER OWN!" He took another breath and continued bellowing at the man and dog, now both sprinting down the street. "CALL ME IN TEN YEARS WHEN YOU GET HIP DYSPLASIA, YOU INBRED ASTHMATIC ASSHOLE!"

Kevin knocked softly on the window until Phillip looked over. When he met Kevins stare, he came back to reality. His ears drooped, and his tail tucked between his legs as the wolf trudged inside. He shut the door softly and ashamedly walked over to Kevin.

"Sorry," he said. 

Kevin continued his deadpan stare. "Do we need to schedule another appointment with the Doctor about our anger issues?" 

Phillip shook his head. "No. It's just...- Well, that guy's a shithead and-...

"Unh-uh," interrupted Kevin. "I understand that he makes you angry, but that is no excuse. What does Doctor Kleinman always say?"

Phillip grumbled. "Don't let emotions manifest or something."

"Nooo. No sir. You know what he says."

"I can't control my emotions, but I can control how they manifest."

"Very good! Now, gimme a kiss," said Kevin, puckering up his lips. As Phillip leaned in towards Kevin, the vampire put a finger up. "Ah-Ah!" he said scoldingly. "A people kiss, not a dog one."