Red Teddy

I twirled the fork in the spaghetti that was on the plate in front of me. I was eating dinner at my parent's house. I didn’t have the appetite to eat. 

“Go on and tell me about it.” Mom began to drag out the chair across the table from where I was sitting. There in front of her was a cup of God knows what. She enjoyed keeping certain secrets to herself but when it came to receiving rewards, she would gladly show them off. 

After not having anything to brag about for years, she was excited when she found out she was pregnant with me. She knew that with a child, she had the ability to brag again. 

 As a kid, I was placed into a number of extracurricular activities. I went from being a libero in volleyball to solving math equations for a prize with the mathletes in the same year. All of my rewards and trophies were embraced more by my mother; she was a spirited person. 

It’s not that I did not appreciate what I received, I just thought “Thank You” was enough. Though, I was more energetic as a kid than I am now. 

I haven’t seen a reward in years though, now that I am 29. My mother has been as quiet as a lamb and her famous mantle of rewards has become full of dust. 

I work at a bank and I’ve never been employee of the month. My boss says that I am more than advanced at what I do, but I “intimidate” the other workers. Never understood what it was though.  

“Carter and I got into another argument.” I sighed. 

Carter is my husband, who seems to be holding onto our marriage by a thin line. We’ve been married for 5 years and yet it feels like we’ve been tied to each other for eternity. For the past couple of weeks I had been escaping to my parent’s home with every opportunity I got, because I could never face Carter alone. 

“Have you tried speaking to him yet?” Mom lifts up the cup, to take a sip. 

“You know I haven’t.”

The room was quiet for a second, only the sound of her cup hitting the table softly, broke all silence. 

“What were you two fighting about?” 

“How clueless I am on the definition of kindness.” 

I couldn’t see it, but I knew mom was crossing her legs. She was preparing herself to side with Carter...because he is the reasonable one. 

“Basically it was his way of stating that he is a better parent than I am.” I looked down at my plate. I was getting bored of the sight of the fork. The best option was to put it in my mouth. It was the same roll of noodles from earlier. 

“What did he say?” 

“We were at Benny’s toy store when Leah asked for a really expensive barbie doll. I wanted to buy it for her but I just did not have that amount of money on me. I told her no...but Carter got mad at me and told me that I never buy her anything she wants. I responded by telling him that’s how kids become spoiled and then he just..went on telling me about how Leah is not even spoiled because she has no more than 5 toys at home and the least I could have done in that moment was let her be a kid…” My fingers were pressing into my temples. The more I rethought the situation, the more stressful it got. 

Mom sighed a harsh sigh before leaning over the table, giving me all of her attention. “Did you tell him that you did not have enough to buy the toy?” 

I shook my head. I could not bring myself to tell him that, but it was easy for me to tell my 4 year old child no. 

“I am going to tell you right off the bat that you are not a selfish person. In the 29 years that I was given to be your mother, I know you are far from it.”

Mom’s arms were lying out on the table, as she crossed her palms together. “And Carter is not either. You lack emotion. You are too serious with yourself that you put it out on others. You keep doing this and it’s gonna get to Leah’s head.” 

I looked down at my plate and then into her eyes. “I don’t know how to change.” 

“You’ve done it before. You used to be such a bright and open child. Something changed you and it is up to you to figure out what it is, if you wanna change for Leah.” 

From being overcome with fear I forgot how I was always open.

The problem was that I couldn’t remember what made me turn into this emotionless human being. I was clawing my way through my memories to figure out what was the cause of this. For the first time in forever, I was becoming anxious. If I could not remember what made me stop opening up in the first place, then how was I supposed to change? 

And like a struck of lightning or heaven sent, I remember why. 

“Do you remember the summer of 92’?” I asked randomly. 

“It is an honest shame that I can not remember the details, but I know that it was a summer that you would never forget.” She grinned. 

Mom leaned back in her chair, awaiting the story. Her fingers were curled around her cup as she brought it to her lips to take a quick sip before placing it down on the table. 

I took a quick glance at her face to find her grinning, almost smirking. 

“Summer of 92’. It was right before my senior year of highschool; my first time as a counselor at Camp Waverly.” 

Camp Waverly was the popular sunnyside camp that was located an hour away from our town. It was packed with campers that were eager to play around in nature, while counselors were trying to make money and stay productive during the summer. 

“Camp Waverly, you loved it there.” Mom’s face enlightened at the thought of it. 

“I really did. I regretted not coming yearly to be a camper.” 

Mom was now smiling hugely, while staring into my eyes. 

“What?” I asked with a hint of concern in my voice. It was a time to remember, but the way she was smiling was too extreme. 

“Are you sure it was the camp that you loved so much?” 

She was right again. She could see through me like I was transparent. Even I couldn’t hide the fact that there was something else I loved about the camp. The camp was there for people to make memories, but something particularly special about Camp Waverly was what made it have a special place that was buried deep in my heart. 

So deep, I couldn’t even find it without someone reminding me. That someone being my mom. 

“It was where I met Carter.” I admitted. 

Camp Waverly was the place where I met my husband, Carter. A young boy at the time, who loved to wear the same yellow duck t-shirt that was always tucked into his khakis. It was a miracle that I was able to get his attention because everyone at camp loved him. 

“On alternating days, the camp administrator would host games so that counselors and campers could interact off trail. It was our 5th night at camp and the sun was just beginning to set. Everyone had gathered around the huge centered fire pit to keep warm while the administrator was explaining the rules for this game. Both counselors and campers were required to participate and were split into groups since there were so many of us. We were assigned a path and by each mark on the path we were asked to do something silly like do the hokey pokey. Whichever group completed all of their tasks would win a personal stuffed bear.” 

“So I take it you won?” Mom was curiously driven into the story now.

“Uh, not quite. I remember that my group came in last. To ensure that no child left camp in despair, the administrator made everyone feel victory and passed out, I think, tootsie rolls.” 

Tootsie Rolls were a binge of junk back then. Giving that candy to children was like daring to play with a wild animal. It had the weirdest taste, yet no one could stay away from them. We were practically hypnotized into buying them at corner stores or not thinking twice to take free ones that were offered, like at camp. 

“Carter’s team won. You couldn’t miss catching a glimpse of those stuffed animals because his campers brought them everywhere just to show them off.”

 I laughed at how I remembered this one kid from his cabin, Billy the youngest, ran up to me once with the biggest smile on his face and showed me the bear prize he chose. It was yellow and dirty, but the look on his face represented that he didn’t care. He had his bear and as long as it was in his presence, he would continue to show off his small pearly whites for the world to see. 

“Carter chose one for himself too. It was a scarlet red coated hand sized bear that had a grey bow around its neck. He gave it to me on the night that he confessed his feelings. He had nothing else to give, but that.” 

“I don’t believe you told me about the red teddy part.” Mom furrowed her brows contemplating whether or not I told her. 

“I didn’t. I guess it was because that part was a little painful. On the last day of camp, I lost the bear. We looked everywhere for it, but it was nowhere to be found. My best guess is that one of my campers from my cabin took it.” 

I cleared my throat as the image of the bear carved itself into my mind. 

“It sounds dramatic but at the time, I was miserable. It was Carter’s first gift to me when he confessed his feelings. I remember blaming myself for losing it because it was the last day and we could not do anything about it.” 

“Do you still blame yourself for it?” Mom asked as I shook my head. 

For the first time in so long, my eyes were tearing up. I still blamed myself for that incident. Most people would say it was just a toy. Carter told me multiple times that I do not have to worry about it because “accidents happen”. In truth, the red teddy was just a toy. But I couldn’t stop blaming myself for losing it. 

“You asked me to find out what was the reason that caused me to change into this person who feared showing emotions and it was because of that summer. I forced myself to forget that part of camp so that I would not have to undergo the guilt I was putting on myself. That’s why I never told you about it. I know it sounds crazy for someone to change over the smallest thing, but I just couldn’t accept it. I thought I had forgotten about it, but it was only the memory that was forgotten. There was still a string attached to me and that guilt, which I refused to cut.” 

“You need to let go of it, honey. I know it’s difficult, because it was his first gift to you that you hold dearly, but you have to move on. Carter still trusts you, more than ever now that you are married and you have a child. Carter moved on from it, so now it’s your turn. Forgive yourself.” Mom smiled. 

I thought she was going to scold me. She was being too soft, that the tears were moments away from pouring down my face. This escalated too quickly. Even after years, this incident still brings me to tears. I feel weak every time it’s brought up. How was I going to get over this? How could I forgive myself? 

“You’ve figured out the problem, now figure out your solution and come to peace with it for once and for all.” 

I wanted to tell her the only way I could come to peace with it, was if the bear was found, but then that would be too easy. It was the one problem that seemed harder than a calculus math equation. 

A knock appeared at the door. Mom watched me for a second as I sat there, looking weak, before she pushed out her chair to stand up. 

“Hold on sweetie, let me just see who is at the door.” She disappears from around the corner, as I took that time to wipe away the tears from my eyes. 

It wasn’t long until mom came back around the corner towards the kitchen table. She was smiling again as if the convo between me and her never happened. 

“Look who’s here.” She turned towards the people who walked through the door and emerged from behind the wall. 

It was Carter and Leah. Leah’s eyes met mine, as she ran over to the side of the table where I was sitting and wrapped her arms around my head, pulling me down closer to her. Her face was filled with joy which made me feel even more guilty. Not just about the doll I couldn’t afford, but also about the impression I put out towards her and others. 

“Why are you at grandma’s house mommy?” Leah innocently asks, her blue eyes beaming at mine.

“I was just having dinner, sweetie.” I smiled through the pain, for her. 

“Leah, baby, why don’t you come with me to watch some cartoons while mommy and daddy have a little talk?” Mom had her left arm out towards Leah. 

Leah ran from my embrace towards her grandmother and took her hand. They walked over to the entrance, where Carter was leaning before disappearing into the living room. 

I didn’t know where to start. If I could, I always ran away from problems and now that one of them is backing me into a corner, I wasn’t sure what to say.

My head fell towards my hands in my lap as Carter made his way closer to my seat. I turned out so that my legs weren’t under the table as Carter squatted down in front of me, to receive my full attention. My eyes looked into his; they were filled with remorse as his lips began to part. 

“I had a feeling you were over here.” He says, as his lips formed into a grin. 

He could tell that I was still having trouble finding the words to talk. 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have argued with you like that in the store.” 

“No, I am sorry. I wanted to get her the toy, I just couldn’t afford it. I didn’t want to tell you because I couldn’t gather up the courage to so I just made up the whole spoiling situation.” My voice was becoming shaky. 

The tears ran down my face like a river stream. I gave up on fighting them back as they were too eager to fall. Carter hadn’t seen me cry in months. 

“I am also sorry for everything else. I didn’t realize how distant I was being until I put it all together today. I kept bottling up my feelings until I got lost.” It was like a trance. 

His face softens as he smiles at me. His hand runs along the right side of my face, to prevent the tears from falling. It was his way of telling me that he forgives me.

“I got you something.” His voice was soft. I hadn’t noticed that he was hiding his right arm behind his back until it came into view. 

He places a double sided photo frame on my lap. I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was a hand drawn picture of the red teddy bear. I flipped the picture around and it was a photo dated back to 1992 of me sitting on my bed smiling, in which the bear happened to be on the bed as well. 

It was like he knew this whole time that this was the reason for my “downfall”. 

“I know you had a hard time dealing with the ‘teddy situation’ and you blame yourself for it. I also know that these past couple of weeks have been rocky for us. The way you’ve changed over the years, all of it, leads to the bear.” He admitted.

“How did you know?” I looked into his eyes. 

“I noticed your sudden fear in expressing emotions. It took me a while but I finally figured it was because you couldn’t forgive yourself for losing it. So I paid someone to draw the bear and dug through that disposable camera we brought along and found a photo of you with it. I thought it might help you put you at ease.” He looked down as if he thought I was disappointed. 

I was speechless. My arms wrap around him. I could feel the weight of the guilt from that incident was no longer there. It was relieving even more just by being in his arms. I felt tinier arms wrap around us, as I lifted my head to see Leah smiling. We pulled out of the embrace as she got distracted by the frame in my lap. 

“Pretty bear.” Her face enlightened even more as Carter and I laughed at her. I promise to get her one just like it.  

We pulled in for a group hug one more time, as I whispered “Thank you” to Carter.