Grace

She felt the warmth of the fireplace wash over her body. Grace got up from her bed wrapped up in her cozy blanket. Shuffling her fuzzy socked feet over to the window, she looked out over her land. The snow was newly fallen, and the pond was glistening with the shine of ice.

She looked longingly at the ice. The pond out back was built just for her. Now, in her old age, it was mostly used for grandkids. She rarely walked down there any more. At 80 years old her daughter wouldn’t like the idea of her going alone anyway. Looking out one more time at the ice shining in the morning light, she pulled her cover tighter around her and walked down the hall for her morning coffee. 

It had been snowing on and off for two weeks now, meaning Grace was running low on everything. Her daughter, who lived on the next lot, kept her stocked with essentials, but with the pandemic and the snow it had been at least a week since any one had visited. This didn’t bother her; it was how things were when you lived outside of the city. This was what she always wanted, and her Charlie was happy to make it happen for her. He built this house for her 20 years ago. This was where they were meant to spend these golden years. 

She couldn’t help but think of him in every part of her day. How could she forget him, when every bit of this house had a bit of his soul chipped into it. Their younger days had been all about the hustle, the bustle, and the city life she had loved. Charlie was a simple guy who was too small to play hockey. Their romance started on a public ice skating rink. Grace was taking the day to show off her skills, and he was with a group of friends goofing off. He ran into her, she fell down, and that was that. He made sure their life was a whirlwind afterwards. 

She spun around her kitchen with the swift movement of a dancer to grab her coffee. Shaking the coffee beans to the beat in her head, she was transported back to being 25 and teaching her fumbling boyfriend how to be graceful on skates. 

A pain in her knee brought her right back to the present. She took a deep breath and went back to her coffee. The morning moved on at the typical pace. The cold of the night was lifting off the house. She finished her coffee, tightened her grip on her blanket, and moved to her breakfast table to look out the window again. 

She and Charlie became quite a pair on, and off, the rink. As their love grew, so did their talent. They competed in figure skating for a good eight years. Winning competitions was something she loved, while he just loved her. She would choreograph exquisite figure skating routines for them. He did his part by spinning and throwing her around the ice. They did this so well that they became known on the local scene. 

She looked down, her mug was empty and the sun had moved. She didn’t know how long she had been sitting there. She was in the warmth of old memories, living her day somewhere between here and there. Not wanting to be in her pajamas all day, she moved her creaking body back toward her bedroom. 

She stood in front of her mirror, after tossing her blanket back on the bed. She was sure a sight to see. Smiling, she looked herself up and down. One sock was bunched at her ankle and the other tight on her calf up to her knee. The fuzz on the socks glowed neon green, the black leggings under them were full of lint and her baggy sleep shirt looked its age of 30 years old. Her long braided grey hair was frizzy at the top of her head, giving her a halo of hair. A frumpy angel, she thought, chuckling and heading to a warm shower. 

Stepping out of the steam to the already heated floors, love for Charlie swelled up in her throat. He thought about her in every detail. He knew her better than she knew herself, and it was things like the floor that reminded her of all the surprises he left for her.

Wrapping her hair in a turban and herself in her robe she moved to her closet to choose an outfit. No one would see her, so why did it matter? She could just romp in her robe, but not today, she thought. 

She stared at their clothes. His clothes still hung next to hers, and without him here to organize them, they all just mixed together. She moved back and forth, looking at their things when she noticed something sparkle out of the corner of her eye. It was the one costume she kept all these years. All her performance outfits had plenty of glitz and glam, and that went for both of them. He loved showing her off. He enjoyed this most about their competition days. He would watch how others would gawk at her in her costume, and whisper about how she shows off so much skin, and even sometimes hoots and hollers from other men. He didn’t care, because it was him she flew around the ice with, and it was him who she came home to. She ran her fingers down the sequined bodice and a wave of goose bumps ran down her body. Grasping her robe tighter she breathed in the scent of him. When she exhaled, a weariness she could only attribute to age came over her. She had to sit. Her movement was a little slower over to her bedroom chair. She planted her feet solid in front of her and rubbed her knees. All the years of age on them, all the fun she had with them, for them to act up on her now felt like a great betrayal. She knew it was inevitable, but she didn’t feel her age in her mind. She was the same woman as always. Changing experiences, changing environments, but an unchanging self. Sure, she grew and learned over the years, but her mind was a sharp tool that only felt sharper over time. She wished the same for her body. 

She slowly stood up, taking the chance to stretch her muscles. She bent over at the waist and reached for the ground. Her head hung loosely, her breath slowed into a peaceful rhythm, and her mind drifted to her small apartment. As she exhaled, she was back in her home. She moved into her yoga practice now and with every inhale a moment of her life flashed into her consciousness. Breathe in, happily cuddled on the couch with her baby and her husband. Breathe out, back to moving her body to give her some strength. Breathe in, watching Charlie swing their toddler around the ice rink. Breathe out, home, pushing her body every so slightly. Breathe in, getting home after winning their first competition after becoming parents. Breathe out, at home standing up straight and tall, ready to face the rest of the day.

Somewhere between the yoga and the memories she had taken her robe off and tossed it on the bed. Her naked body stood in front of her mirror and she stared in awe. When did she get this old? Her hair was gone in so many places; she wished it had left her earlier. She felt strong even with this old body. The instinct to dip into her yoga practice always made her feel strong, and that was good, especially today. She looked back at her closet and pulled out the sequined outfit. She laid it on the bed and wondered if this smaller body would hold it up. This leotard of sequins and beads was the one she wore in her first competition back after having Alyssa. She was a fuller figured woman back then. Now her skin didn’t hang so tight on her bones. She looked out past her mirror at the pond once more. Their pond, the place most special to her that he made. She was going out there. If any day, today was the day. She found her thickest pair of leggings and pulled those on, followed by her skating socks and leg warmers. Satisfied, she was ready to put on her sequins. One leg at a time, with a little wiggle the leotard found it’s home on her shoulders and she looked back at herself. She looked just as she did all those years ago. Her mind couldn’t see the age. In that moment she felt that Charlie was going to walk out in a tux, ready to take her to a competition. She spun around on her toe and the beading hanging from the bodice twirled with her. She was back there, in his arms as he lead her around the ice, showing everyone that she was his girl, wasn’t she beautiful? 

The phone rang and broke the spell. She felt the fatigue of age once again. It flowed from her head to her feet as she walked over to a chair to get the phone. 

It was her daughter. Of course it was. A part of her wanted to run back and try to recapture the moment she was just ripped from. But she knows she can’t. She has to live in this moment. Deep breath, she picked up the phone.

“Hey Mom. That took you a minute, are you ok?” 

“Yeah, just getting dressed from the shower.” She pulled one of her husband’s oversized cardigans from the closet to cover up her costume, suddenly shameful.

“Well, I was just calling to check in on you today.”

“Oh darling, thank you, but you know I am fine. I could use some more coffee, and I’m complete out of fresh veggies, but I’m making due. How are you and the kids? Are they enjoying their presents from Christmas?”

“Oh yes, everything is going good, everyone is happy. Well, the kids wish they could go back to regular school, but that’s not new. We were thinking of coming by tonight and cooking a family dinner, all of us. What do you think?”

She paused, sipping in the cold air like a glass of wine, and closed her eyes. She was her mother, she didn’t want any one coming to make her dinner. She could handle that on her own. But she knew the outburst growing inside her would do neither of them any good. She let out her air and replied; “Now darling I don’t think the weather is getting any better, and anyway I don’t think I want guests today.” Hearing her daughter about to object she hastily added, “And that’s just how I'm feeling today, love. I think we should plan something for this weekend.” That was the end of that topic. 

Her daughter backed off as she had been taught, and moved the conversation to her own daughter’s troubles and the general workings of her own house. Grace enjoyed this journey though her daughter’s life. It gave her a window to her annoyances and joys, but there was always a feeling under the surface that she could never put her finger on. Like a worried tone her daughter tried to cover up but was still there. She was zoning out, looking back out her window at the snow when Alyssa snapped her back into the conversation.

“So Mom, are we going to talk about it or we going to pretend that we don’t know what today is?”

“What?” She knew what she was talking about, but she couldn’t stop the automatic response

“Mom, don’t make me say it.” She was obviously holding back tears “It’s been 2 years now and if it’s this hard for me I don’t know how you are doing so well.”

Was she doing well? She looked down at herself, hair in a turban, body in a sequin costume, in her house, alone. She felt silly. “Well darling I don’t know, I just keep looking out at the pond and thinking back on our memories. It’s just like any other day for me, dear. I miss your Dad just as much today as any other day.” But it wasn’t any other day, and they both knew that. 

“Okay, Mom… well, I’ll be by tomorrow with coffee and some veggies. Call me if you change your mind about dinner.”

“Alright dear, love you.”

“Love you more.” And, they were off. 

She held the phone in her hand, a photo of her Charlie standing next to the pond was on the front screen. For the first time, she let it go. The tears started slow. They rolled down her face like a river, picking up momentum. She was back in that day, two years ago, sitting at the hospital, receiving the news. 

He had a heart attack; there was nothing they could do. They tried to bring him back for an hour. There’s so much to think about right after your world has ended. They spent 55 years together, and here she was, an old lady, alone, in a costume, consumed by tears. How was she supposed to move though the world with out him? She was starting to lose her breath. She coughed; it was all making her dizzy. Then she smelled him again. She closed her eyes tightly and breathed in deep and slow. He was there, as long as she didn’t open her eyes, she knew he was there. After the deep breaths calmed her, she knew he had done that. Even from beyond the grave, there he was, bringing his scent to calm her down. 

What now? She was all dressed up with nowhere to go. All the momentum from her little bit of yoga had faded with the tears. Now she just sat with her memories, tired but trying to put herself back in a happier space. Holding his sweater close, she remembered back when their home was new. Their daughter gone off to live her life, it was finally just them again. Standing in her newly finished house she was filled with the joy and wonder that comes from starting a new chapter of their journey. He had not told her he was building the pond. The house was finished in late summer. After he toured her around, pointing out all the little things he had put in the house just for them, he told her about one more surprise. He told her to close her eyes, walked her out the back door and down a paved walkway to her very own fish pond. 

Her eyes welled up with love and tears, now just as they had that day. “ And in the winter, it should freeze over nicely so we can take a spin any time we’d like.” She hugged his neck so tight that day, she could almost feel him squeezing her back today. 

Turning her attention back out into the world, she looked out her window to take one more peek at her pond and she was shocked to see her granddaughter shoveling her walkway, swiftly as ever, showing this was a chore she was accustomed to performing.

She didn’t know what to feel. Charlie had sent her, she thought. This was another message coming from him, loud and clear. She wanted to retreat into her solitude, but that wasn’t what he wanted for her. He knew better. 

She smiled to herself, grateful for the love she had in her life.

“Hey you,” she called out from the back door.

Her granddaughter pulled her headphones out of her ears, “Hey grandma! I’m almost done, I’ll be right there.”

Grace made cocoa for the two of them, grabbed one of her quilts, and laid it on the back of a chair for them to bring out to the bench by the pond. She grabbed her skates from the closet and the extra pair she had, and set those by the back door. Just as she was putting the marshmallows in the cocoa, the back door opened. 

“Oof, it’s nice and warm in here.” Lyla shook the snow off her boots and slid them off. “Thanks,” she said taking the mug of coco. 

“Don’t get too comfortable. I want to go down to the pond before that walkway gets covered again.”

“We have plenty of time! I salted it, too.”

“Oh, full service, I’ll owe you more than just a cup of cocoa.”

“How about a spin around the pond? I know I’m not the best partner but I think we can manage.”

“Oh honey, you read my mind.” She said, pointing to the skates by the door.

Lyla carried both pairs, hanging them on her shoulders and taking her grandma’s arm to help her down the path. 

“Does your mom know you’re here?” She said, still hiding her costume under her husband’s large sweater. 

“No, I finished early with school and just came down” 

“Well, I’m glad you did”

They continued down and sat on the little bench to put on their skates. Lyla stood up, stretching out her hand to help her grandmother up. 

A peevish grin came across Grace’s face as she slid the sweater off her shoulders showing her granddaughter her sequin outfit. 

“Oh didn’t know we were dressing up today, I’ll remember that for next year!”

Grace took her hand and they walked to the edge. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, stepping tentatively on the ice.