Aphantasia

The best way to end a gifted artist perhaps not by amputation, but is taking away their imagination.

Kyle was once an artist. However, note that it was just 'once'.

As god plays the director role on everyone's life, a car accident could either just be trifling or deadly, but fate choose to make it a tricky one. Kyle was fortunate to survive from that, and recovered with full health. But for every gain, there must be a lost.

At first he even did not recognize it, just sometime he could just gasps that there is something so called 'emptiness'.

It is not sorrowful, it's an entire different feeling. What he felt is just something is missing in his life, but had no idea to figure out it.

He spend days in hospital, staring to his both arm in cast. Often worried that he will unable to draw afterwards, in fact it was just an unnecessary worry.

"Your arms will eventually recovering and as flexible as before." doctor said.

A monthly calendar was placed beside his bed, he noticed that something odd when himself tried to find out the date. Sometimes he found himself wondering around the days, while mind remains blank when looking at those celebration. Everything just turns out dull and boring.

That's not my attitude, he thought.

He always 'see' and even feel when an occasion was mentioned. Often those images will appear in front of him. Thanks to it his creation mostly comes from those vivid visualization.

Time flies faster than Kyle had expected, hours in days seems become shorter than he previously experienced. Perhaps is the night time that shorten the perceive. He always found himself wake up the next day while the last memory wast just the moment closing his eyes. He just went to a laugh off when his siblings said that a car accident had totally cure the sleep deprivation.

This was just a few small things, he thought.

It's the day that the cast will be remove, and the answer will soon revealed.

Holding a pen, the mass and touch of the pencil was real. Both hand was finally granted with freedom.

However...

The paper in front of him--blank, but his mind so does.

BLANK.

What he saw is that all.

No sudden flow of vivid image, no prediction of the next stoke, Kyle even can't think of the colour of sky.

He know that the sky was blue. But the mind keep asking himself why and how does ‘blue’ looks like.

This simple question troubled him the whole afternoon. He keep answering himself about 'what is a house look like', 'how mountains look', 'the characteristics of a horse'.

That may be the simplest things task for him, but they turns out to become the hardest thing at the moment.

He tried and tried, by looking at the tree and forcing to remember its colours, staring at the sun until the eyes burn to recognize its glare.

Whatever he do, the image fade within seconds after the eyes was closed. Afterimage is not available.

Boom--the answer finally revealed. It is somehow weird, but its cruel.

Kyle lost the ability to imagine, at all.

Leaving the room, those scattered papers laying motionless on floor. The white on itself conveying his surrender.

***

It's 5 years after he live in totally emptiness.

Aphantasia. That's the word he finally discovered. It explained that why there are no mental impression at all which his usually enjoy. Before that, daydreaming was his top hobby besides of drawing. Richness in visualization excites him every time, however not apply since 5 years ago.

Losing the ability to imagine is a tough turn for him, but he had overcome it.

He quit drawing at all, forever and ever. Empty up the drawing desk. Keep everything regarding in art away from the sight.

he locked up a bundle of artwork from his previous drawing. There was also a box, he had never open it since that time.

In it was the collaborative comic with his best friend. It's Chad that always with him on drawings, they had complete a comic during school time, just for own entertaining sake.

Its somehow quite a playish work, but it is the best time in his life.

Whatever, from now on they are totally useless.

To treat a hidden scar, is best to not exposed it.

"You are such a hardworking worker", his colleague often praised.

"I just doing my work." He answered conventionally.

He doesn't feel any proud of this, he just want to be a life.

Completing things makes he feels a life.

"It's a pity you are no longer in our workplace." colleague said in a sorrow manner.

"I just feels that not the thing that I am searching for.' Kyle said, filled with mysterious.

"What are you looking for?'

"I don't know...just like...something that make me forgot about emptiness?"

He said it honestly, however himself even not get the idea.

"Emptiness? That's no such thing."

"When you closed your eyes, that's emptiness." He then realized that he said to the wrong person." Sorry, perhaps not apply on you."

Every thing is set, he leads to the door. This scene is always fresh to him, he knows that it is his workplace but everything just like the first time he seen it. After passing the door, it will be another totally new scene.

"Emptiness not need to be forgot, it's non-exist. It's fullness that defined emptiness."

Kyle was surprised of this kind of thinking, however he still roll an eyes on it.

Up to the street, he rely on the direction memorized in his mind to find the way. Landmark doesn't work on him, he only could memorized it in words.

He came to a park, a big tree get his attention. This tree was grandeur and make some impact on his visual, now he thinks that it is nowhere on a fantasy world.

A large tree trunk soaring towards a sky. Its branches spans outwards prettily and forming a big umbrella along the horizon. The special thing is it was painted with colours around the trunk. Someone had made it as a part of the landscape, concurring the whole scene. Its manmade although, but just the creativity of human make this comes true.

If it was the previous version of him, he knows this would be the inspiration of his next artwork. He will remember the form of the tree in mind, and sketch it out after reach home.

For now, he be sure that he would forget it it there is no other reference for him.

I remember that Chad once draw a special tree in the comic, is it similar with this?

He wondered, trying to retrieving the memories from mind, but end up failed.

An idea comes out from his mind, his unsettled steps finally stopped.

Few hours later, the blank paper  lying on Kyle’s briefcase was finally filled up. It was the tree just before him, it appearing on the paper with some out of practice drawing line. Its outlook tells us that what the tree looks like, although not as lively enough for further judging.

The process of drawing it was quite exhausting, Kyle found difficult to locate the next line after moving his sight from the tree. He need to do lots and lots of refer for a single bundle of branch.

Although exhausting, but he found it was the first time his emptiness was gone.

The black and white drawing still can convey his feeling fully, he thinks that there is the need to fully coloured it. He kept it in his suitcase, leaving the scene.

That’s day onwards, Kyle will visit that park every single day. Whether day or night doesn’t matter, as long as he found his extra time, he would grab his drawing media and step away from his comfort zone.

Every time there is a small change, as slowly as sloth, but he just wait it happens patiently.

At least from now, he is brave enough to face his emptiness, his blindness of his mind eyes. He fills the void with the things he truly passionate about.

This is the story of an artist, he is now found in an art exhibition. With the collection of artwork from worldwide artist , some of them was his surrealism artwork.

Although there is not much collection from this artist. One significant word makes his work valuable--perfectionism. He makes every detail to life, he include what he saw exactly on the artwork.

There is a drawing of a coloured tree was found within his work, it is unbeatable detailed and fully coloured. The shades and tone was just incredible.

It’s the colourful tree that made this artist reborn.

 “What is the title for this drawing?” Someone was pointing the scene of that park.

He composed the drawing with that significant tree and different scene around the world. Forming a scene that he thinks could called ‘fantasy’.

He can’t draw from imagination, but now he knows that could draw by combination.

“The Tree of Creation.” He speak out that meaningful name.

He glad that he had made the right decision, by allowing himself to have the basic start, all from zero.

His Aphantasia stills incurable, every time he close his eyes, he still seeing blank. He would never return to the Kyle that as imaginative as previous, he stills couldn’t draw a Pegasus if he did not actually seen it.

Anyway, at least he gave him the second chance.