A Prayer

"Life just feels so much different without you,

Somedays I just feel empty and hollow on the inside.

It’s been rough getting adjusted to everything,

Even though a piece of me feels like it died,

But a small piece of me is Still Alive on the Inside.

Somedays are good,

While others I remember so vividly,

It gets hard to not think of that one moment,

But it is forever etched into my mind,

That moment haunts me,

Even looking at your pictures reminds me of that day,

That day my hope and faith were crushed,

So much so that I must redefine those words.

Many days have been filled with light,

And many have been filled with the dark,

A piece of me feels like it died,

But a small piece of me is Still Alive on the Inside.

I try to focus on the good memories,

And that helps a little,

But many days when I close my eyes to sleep,

I remember, …I remember that one day.

It has been rough but the lessons you taught me, and my brothers, have helped in my life.

You were so loving, kind, dependable and so much more,

Just one moment you were here, the next you were not.

That day even though painful,

Did teach me something.

It taught me to number my days,

Our time is so important.

Just like a vapor that appears for a little while,

Then vanishes away,

So will we.

That day was a curveball for us all.

I felt so helpless, hopeless, and powerless.

To feel so powerless is a terrible feeling,

It adds to the pain more,

But I know I must keep going and not give up,

Many days I wonder what the meaning of all this is,

All this pain…. pain

I guess pain is important depending on how you perceive it.

Even through pain we are birthed,

Even as I draw breathe, I have a purpose.

Even though I am mentally, and spiritually battered and bruised,

There is a small piece of me Still Alive on the Inside.

I have so many thoughts racing in my mind

Why do I keep having flashback to the time

I wish I could forget, but it’s forever etched into my mind

Guess this type of stuff takes time to heal?

It plays back everyday,

Like a prisoner in my own mind.

Somedays I just feel like crying,

But I know I must keep on surviving.

Many times, I just feel like giving up,

But some small piece of me chooses to fight

But I feel tired and stressed

Why do I fail when I try my best?

Some days I feel like a failure and that I’ve failed you.

I just miss the old times.

I try to search and find them in my mind.

You were so loving and kind,

But lately my mind has been a warzone, Am I Ok?

Everyone always asks how I am doing, but I just them I'm fine.

But honestly I’m not, Even my faith took a hit, Even my confidence.

Why try? Why try? Honestly Why?

It just feels like nothing matters,

Like everything we do is bad or it’s not good enough.

I’m still trying and struggling with my faith.

Do I even have faith if I’m questioning it?

Why do I feel this way?

I am always asked What is God doing in your life?

I just give the standard answers like he is doing everything good for me.

I know I must trust Him fully,

At the moment with all honestly, I can say a little piece of me doesn’t fully.

At a critical time, I prayed, yet no answer.

Or at least in the sense I would have thought,

At that critical time, the prayers the family prayed were serious.

I thought if you pray and asked in good faith it would happen.

But utter silence

That day Hurt my faith and confidence.

I am struggling with bitterness towards God

And it’s not a good place to be.

I am struggling to accept why he would allow this situation to happen.

I mean it was quiet that day,

I prayed and nothing.

To hear the doctors tell me you were gone.

That was the worst day of my life so far.

Just three days from your birthday, Then you were gone.

That day, I hate it with all of me.

It started out normal, and I talked with you.

Shortly after you were not here.

It just left me thinking,

Why we even make plans if we can just leave at any moment?

Maybe I am just frustrated because I don’t know the reason why God decided to take you, but I have to accept it.

Maybe it will be clear one day, I don’t know.

But that day I tried to suppress my feelings, but no longer.

I have to trust the Lord with all of my heart, with my life.

Honestly, it is tough at the moment.

I believe in Jesus as the Son of God and trust he died and rose again on the 3^rd day.

I know he is the author and finisher of my faith. To sum up how I feel is that God is writing about me, but I’m trying to take the pen and write myself.

It’s not a good way to think like that at all.

God knows all, and I know nothing.

How do I gain full confidence in God? And Trust?

I just felt hurt by him honestly.

But I know he has plans for us to prosper and not harm us.

I have to get up and truly dust myself off.

Humans were made to be dependent on God,

We’re not made independent in that sense.

Before we were born, we were destined to die

It is just our fate.

With our very first breathe we begin to die.

But there is hope beyond the grave which is something we all face.

That Hope is Christ Jesus.

I will continue to search the scriptures and pray

For I am battered, beaten, broken.

I am a broken man right now

With no plans for the future.

Life truly must mean something.

It is hard to even think about the future.

I can’t let my life be all for nothing.

As time continues to move forward,

I will continue to read the word and study.

I will no longer put confidence in myself, but my confidence will be in the Lord Almighty.

I understand my strength and others will fail me.

But God never will, because he is in control.

Now I feel a lot better about getting that off my mind.

I can start to truly heal and rebuild myself

Thank you, Lord, for always listening

Amen''