Fiction Suspense Thriller

Carla was driving in torrential rain, down an old muddy country road. The wind started blowing the car back and forth as she reached down and turned on the windshield wipers and lights. She checked to make sure she turned them on high, in the hope of seeing the road more clearly but it didn't seem to help.

Carla was in a hurry for her interview in Grafton, which was in the next town over. Even though the interview was the next day she wanted to get settled in and rested. She was starting to regret her decision to take this shortcut.


Carla had seen an ad in the newspaper, the same doctor's office she had completed her internship with was advertising for an LPN. She felt that she was a perfect fit for the job since she knew everything about the office.


Carla was from a small town. It wasn't very big and didn't have a large grocery store either. Everyone knew everything about everybody and there surely was no privacy. It was the typical small-town gossip scene.


She had left for Grafton for her schooling and fell in love with the big city life but felt obligated to move back home after she graduated. Carla's mom had been a chain smoker all of her adult life. Now suffering from emphysema, she had to be on oxygen full time. So Carla regretfully moved back to take care of her.


Carla dreamt one day she would move back to Grafton but she didn't think in her wildest nightmares that it was going to be so soon. Shortly after Carla moved back home her mother suffered a heart attack and passed away. Alone, Carla now felt she could be adventurous and move back to the big town.


Carla hit a pothole in the road which brought her back from her daydreaming. Her lights started to dim in the darkness. She tapped her dashboard, "come on old girl you can do it." She said out loud barely able to hear herself over the sound of the rain and the windshield wipers. Her optimism usually calming her fears but she now was becoming increasingly nervous.


Then it happened, her car's engine quit running. The wheels still rolling, it came to an abrupt stop as the car bumped into an old rusty gate. She paused in disbelief as she stared at her dark dashboard.

The only light around was the residual glow of lightning through the heavy rain. She looked out through her windshield trying to see what was past the iron gate. Then she saw it, the lighting had struck an antenna which lit up an old victorian style house. "oh good, someone to help me" she thought to herself as she opened her car door and stepped out. She was wearing high heels and nylons, her dress skirt was forme fit and covered her knees but she felt the cold of the night rushing up to her legs.


She took two steps from the car and fell into a muddy hole. "Shit!," she said out loud while she picked herself up off the ground, "can this night get any worse"? She screamed while grasping her drenched hair. By this time Carla was soaking wet pulling her long brown hair out of her eyes and away from her face. She walked over to the gate and happily discovered that one of the rods had rusted out leaving enough room for her to slip through.


She put her right leg through the gap first as she noticed a dim light that appeared in what looked like a window of the dilapidated house. Excited to see the light she rushed through the gap of the gate ripping her nylons as she pulled her left leg through the gap, brushing it against the bar. She then quickly as she could in heels, hobbled down the path towards the light.


She noticed with every lightning strike the outline of the old house. She could see that it was a two-story house with high pitch roofing arches and a lot of windows. The shining light was brighter now and she could see it was a candle sitting in a window with the curtains pulled back to the sides.


She finally reached the porch, trying her best to see through the darkness. She looked down, barely make out that most of the steps had rotted away. Shivering from the cold rain, and slowly navigating the steps, she determined which ones were safe enough for her to step on.


Finally reaching the door. With exuberance, she knocked as loud as she could. Bang, bang she continued knocking when all of a sudden the door opened with a creaking noise. Carla paused in the middle of her knocking motion with her arm in the air.


She slowly placed her hand onto the door giving it a slight push. "Hello"? She called out with a low squeaky voice as she pushed the door fully open. She was about to yell out hello again when she noticed another light flickering at the end of a hallway. She walked in slowly and cautiously, looking all around in the darkness, she couldn't make out anything except the flickering light. As she walked towards the light she became nervous, there was only enough ambient light that bounced off the cobwebs covering what looked like pictures hanging on the walls.


She reached the end of the hallway, finding the source of the light. Sitting on an old tea table was a small white candle in an old tarnished silver candle holder, Carla picked it up to look down the long hallway it split left and then right. She held up the candle, turned towards the left and then towards the right looking to see if she could spot more lights in either direction.


It was completely dark minus the small candlelight that Carla was now holding. "Any mini miny moe, which direction shall I go," she said to herself as she turned down the hallway towards the right. She walked a few feet when she heard a noise coming from one of the rooms. She stopped quickly in her tracks, her heart beating faster, too scared to move any further. She held the candle high over her head to see in front of her. Then she heard it again. A thud sound coming from behind the door she was standing next to. Carla's legs started shaking, her breath quickened.


She slowly turned around to see if anyone was behind her when all of a sudden, candles down the hall lit up one by one until the hall was a runway of bright lights. She dropped her candle in fright and took off running. The house was big and disorienting, she turned down different corridors, left, right, then straight. The whole house was lit up, Carla was panicking turning and twisting, down hallways, she had lost her way.


Carla's fear overwhelming her, she fell to the ground, curled into the fetal position trying to keep from screaming. She heard it, the house, it was laughing. A deep and guttural laugh over and over. Then Simultaneously all of the candles blew out, leaving Carla all alone in the dark.


As she saw the ball of light move towards her she let out a blood-curdling scream.


Carla never made it to Grafton that night and no one has heard from her since. No one has even thought to look for her either. The doctor's office thought she was no longer interested in the job while the rumor mill in her hometown thought she had moved to Grafton for the job.


Think about this the next time you are all alone, driving in the dark on a lonely winding country road.


Does anyone know where you are today?


Posted May 03, 2021
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23 likes 9 comments

Roberta Weeks
08:58 May 10, 2021

This was hard to keep under 3000 words. I wanted to keep going with the story.
Where do you see the story going?

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Daniel R. Hayes
05:52 May 11, 2021

Hi Roberta, this was a fantastic story!!!

I thought you did a great job writing this. I love these types of stories, and I wrote a few myself ;)

I drive on country roads every day living in WV, so I better watch out for myself :)

I think this story was very well thought out, and I didn't see the ending coming. I like Carla and I hate to think about what happened to her.

I'm so amazed that this is your first story. I really liked it. You did a great job!! I hope you keep writing. Welcome to Reedsy!!! :)

Reply

Roberta Weeks
06:08 May 11, 2021

Thank you so much! It makes me happy that you enjoyed it.
I usually write heartache poetry so it has been quite a transition into storytelling.

Yes, be careful on those back roads, you never know what's on those dark and dank roads. 😁
Thank you again for your nice complement.

Reply

Daniel R. Hayes
06:12 May 11, 2021

It was my pleasure to read this!!

I really enjoyed it, and I'll be careful on the road... lol ;)

I completely understand the transition you mentioned. Writing is not easy, but I think the more we write the better we get. I really look forward to reading more from you! :) :)

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Roberta Weeks
06:21 May 11, 2021

Thank you, and I could not agree more.
I am working on my novel too so these short stories give me a break and expand my ability.

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Daniel R. Hayes
06:32 May 11, 2021

That's fantastic!

I wish you all the best of luck with your novel ;)

Reply

Roberta Weeks
06:53 May 11, 2021

Thank you!

Reply

Kaique Antonio
03:37 May 11, 2021

Hi, Roberta! First of all, thanks for following me. Just noticed this is your first story up on Reedsy so decided to give you a critique.

I'm just going to jump in -
Right of the back, your first four paragraphs start off with "Carla", maybe find an alternative way to start off those paragraphs so it's not so repetitive and noticeable.

I think the first six paragraphs are just a bit too much "telling" your just stating facts, not really showing us anything and keeping the readers a drift in a flashback. Break that information up a bit, sprinkle her memories and her feelings across the story, instead of just packing them in the beginning. Also they are just being told, have us feel them, show them to us through actions, not just stating them plainly and directly.

- ..." come on old girl you can do it." - Should be "Come on..." also no need for period, should be a comma, then dialogue tag. Period should be after "dashboard" on the previous sentence.

" Then it happened, her car's engine quit running. The wheels still rolling, it came to an abrupt stop as the car bumped into an old rusty gate. She paused in disbelief as she stared at her dark dashboard. " - This first sentence is an example "telling", show us the action, have the car come to an abrupt stop, but no need to state the obvious. Just say, "Then it happened; the wheels rolled, before the car came to an abrupt stop, bumping into an old rusty gate." (Just an example)

"oh good (Oh, god... maybe??), someone to help me" she thought to herself as she opened her car door and stepped out. Also your missing commas and capitalization. "Oh, god, someone help me," she thought to herself....

In general everything that is dialogue needs capitals in the beginning and I think it would be less confusing to read, if you broke up the conversations (even if the character is speaking to herself) into it's own paragraph. Dialogue usually is isolated from the rest of the body.

I noticed a lot of past progressive tense, such as "was wearing, was driving, etc..." some of them are fine and work, other's could be just switched out for simple past. I would take a look at that.

"She finally reached the porch, trying her best to see through the darkness. She looked down, barely make out that most of the steps had rotted away." - Make out is incorrect, should either be in the past or should be in the continuous tense, following the flow of the rest of the tale.

"She reached the end of the hallway, finding the source of the light. Sitting on an old tea table was a small white candle in an old tarnished silver candle holder, Carla picked it up to look down the long hallway it split left and then right. She held up the candle, turned towards the left and then towards the right looking to see if she could spot more lights in either direction." - I would switch up the word choice here. You're repeating the words "hallway" and "candle" quite a lot. I would find synonyms to avoid repetition. Use "corridor" and for candle reference light, flame, etc...

I think you did a good job building your character, giving her a voice and all. I think the house, needs to be spookier, darker, more sinister. Like she is all alone, we need to feel it. We need to have turning, looking over her shoulder, feeling wigged out.

I think ending is a bit sudden, almost too out of the blue. I would do the following to reduce your work count by a lot and actually add more to the ending.

Start her off right in the front of the house, having the rain plowing on her, her car out by the gate, idle and dark with no sign of life, no roaring, just the rain drops chanting against the hood. The car was reliable, it had never let her down on the road, but today was not Carla's day. Have her look to the house, describe it, see the lightning stream across the sky and outline its Victorian features. She gulps, steps in leaving rain drops and wet marks behind her as she steps into the old rickety entrance.

Her skin speckled, filled with goosebumps, shivers running down her spine as the lingering rain drops trickle down her skin before meeting the ground. Her hands feel cramped, wet, her hair soppy. (All this lends itself to the idea of it being cold, of fear, foreshadows sentiments...)

I know I rambled a lot, right now, but I just wanted to be useful and give you some examples, of how you can build up suspension through little simple minor details, stronger word choice and comparisons.

The story is good, the idea creepy, definitely something I would read more of. But don't waste precious time having us delve into her past. Those beginning paragraphs didn't contribute as much to the story, they explained a lot, but overall dragged the pacing. If your character is just going to disappear or die, explaining about her past, where she is coming from, etc... doesn't really lend anything to the story (at least not the way it's currently laid out).

ON THAT NOTE. Take my comment with a grain of salt. I think this story will benefit from some alterations, but if you do make changes, make sure you are comfortable with them. Describe things (not just setting and clothes) but build metaphors, comparisons, etc... build feelings, describe sensations, explain maybe a bit less. Suspense and thriller stories benefit from a bit of speculation anyway, we don't need all the info to be engaged.

ALSO WELCOME TO REEDSY... Though I did give you a long critique, I do not intend to offend, or drag you down. The story is interesting, the idea is there, just work through the mental fog and reach in deep and get us that thriller story. When I first started on here I had a lot of trouble taking critique, and that was at least 40 prompts ago. Keep writing, getting better, and also take a look at what other writers are putting on here. This place is rich in talent, and filled with wonderful people that are always reading and offering great advice.

Hopefully, I'll read more things from you soon!!

Reply

Roberta Weeks
06:01 May 11, 2021

Thank you so much for the tips and suggestions. I appreciate it and will do my best to apply them in my next story.

Reply

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